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I figure that title will grab some attention. Read on, dear regular readers and/or fellow customer service slaves, and it will make perfect sense. Yesterday was full of crazy. At least there are days off to be had.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Me!
Things That Make You Go WTF?
So I logged in yesterday and an account popped up that I had scheduled to follow-up with some time last month. When this happens, it also brings up the reason I did so, to save me the time of digging through the memos to remind myself what happened. This memo to myself said "Check status of account and cancel as 'Deceased Customer' if necessary."
I didn't remember ordering the Death Squads after anyone recently, so I had to look at my original memo on the account. The customer's wife called in and said he was dying of cancer, and my sup said to suspend the account and check back in 30 days to see if his condition had improved. Now I remembered. I wanted to cancel, but technically he wasn't dead yet, but I had to do as I was told. I still felt this was rather ghoulish, so I checked with my new sup since the shift change and she said to just cancel it. Still, when that note came up I had to laugh because I had no idea what I had meant by it.
Ew
SM: I'm not paying for a new Blackberry!
ME: I'm sorry, but you just upgraded to the Blackberry X in March and are not eligible for the maximum discount!
SM: But I need the new Blackberry Y!
ME: Then you can purchase it for $XXX.XX
SM: Come ON! I need it! The Blackberry X is like the tampon of Blackberry!
This is once again one of the few times that I was just stunned into silence. Literally, my mouth was open to say something, but my brain couldn't produce any response at all. Finally I managed to ask him to hold and literally just let him sit there for a couple of minutes while I tried to sort this one out. What in the name of Powdered Toast Man did he mean by this statement? What the hell did it have to do with anything? Did he really think this would amuse me? Technically, since the asshat had been with us for a long time and had a solid payment history and few credits, he was eligible for more of a discount, but I wasn't really feeling like I was obligated to offer it. So I ran it by my sup. Her response? "That's disgusting! Just for that, don't even offer him the partial discount!" That made things easier. He bought it for the full cost, too
Identity
ME: Hi, this is Kara, how can I help you today?
CSR: Hi, this is (Jack Ass) from customer care. I have (CUSTOMER) on the line wanting to cancel due to (WHATEVER).
ME: Okay, well, I'll be happy to see what I can do for him. Bring him on through.
CSR: Okay, thanks Nicki!
Nicki? My name has been butchered all kinds of ways, but Nicki? Where the hell did that come from?
A Double Whaaamburger with French Cries
SM: If you don't let me activate 1 more line of service with no deposit, then I'll cancel my entire account!
So, that's it? That's your argument? This is why you want me to overlook your piss-poor credit? I have a better idea. It's called a reality check. You either pay the $250 deposit to activate another line if you want it that bad, or you pay me almost double that in termination fees to cancel your other 2 lines to prove a point. The choice is yours. By the way, we run credit through all the credit bureaus. If they say your credit sucks, then you pay a deposit. We can't override that. At all. Period. Times infinity. Plus 1.
Crazy Jibba-Jabba Talkin' Fool!
SW: If it were up to me, I would if I could... you know what I mean, like I said. I mean, I need to see what's going to happen and you know, so that like, you know what I mean. Like I said, you know? But, like, if it were up to me, because it, like, you know? You know what I mean. I don't know. I just don't know.
I'm going to tell you this one time. Stop that, before you make my brain hemorrhage. Now, go get a shovel and scoop up all that bullshit that just fell out of your mouth, and let's try this again.
This One Made Me Laugh
SW: I got dis phone replaced, and, uh. I needs to gets my game back what I downloaded. It was Pac Man.
ME: Okay, we can-
SW: No, not Pac Man. It was Tetris.
Don't worry about it, it's a common mistake. A disembodied yellow head floating around eating dots and ghosts, and a bunch of blocks that fall from the sky. It's practically the same thing.
Methuselah
SM: I have been a customer since.... for... 2005 years!
Another case of time travel used for all the wrong reasons.
Take Care of THIS!
ME: I'm sorry, but the 846 minutes you went over are valid charges. Did you notice you were going over when you were checking your minutes last month?
SM: I don't ever check my minutes!
ME: Well, I'm sorry, but we do make several resources available to do so. Obviously, since your calling pattern was much higher than normal last month, it would have been logical to assume you might-
SM: I have been your customer for 5 years! You need to take care of this now!
Oh really? Is that what you think? That you are somehow entitled to a credit for several hundred dollars? For service you used on your phone without once assuming your responsibility to monitor your usage that you were incurring? And then expect me to make it go away? How about no?
Asian Texan Chicken Farmer
SM: I want cancel my service!
ME: I'm sorry to hear that, was there any particular reason?
SM: Yes, because you no give me number that works! I can no use this number! I want local number!
ME: I see you called in last month and we did get you a number with the area code you requested.
SM: But I can no dial it without area code! People try to call me, they cannot call me unless they dial area code!
ME: Some services require 10 digit dialing to call a cell phone. But I'm afraid that's beyond my control.
SM: But I move to Texas, I buy chicken farm! I no have long distance on farm, so if something wrong at farm they can no call me and all chicken die!
ME: We definitely wouldn't want that to happen. So your land phone service on the farm isn't able to dial the number because you have to use the area code and you don't have a long-distance plan?
SM: Yes! So your number no work!
ME: Have you considered adding long distance to your phone on the farm?
SM: But if someone break in, they make long distance call, who pay for that? You pay for that? No, I pay for that!
ME: I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do to make your land phone service not require 10 digit dialing to call the number.
SM: So I cancel, you no charge me termination fee because your number you give me no work!
ME: You called and requested numbers with XXX area code, correct?
SM: Yes.
ME: And when someone calls you, using the area code, you are able to receive the call?
SM: Yes.
ME: Then the numbers for your lines are working fine.
SM: But I can no call from farm! If something happen, no one call me, chicken all die!
ME: Then you can add long-distance to your phone on the farm.
SM: NO! Someone break in, they will make long distance call! Who pay for that? You pay for that or I pay?
ME: If someone broke in, I'd be more concerned about the facility or, more importantly, the chickens. Perhaps you should invest in some security system or personnel.
SM: No, you cancel my service and I no pay fee.
This went on for an hour. He would rant and rave over the same points over and over, and every time I shut him down. I tried several times to give him an ultimatum. You can do this, or you can do this. But he kept right on going. I tried to end it a few times by stating we'd already gone over this, and was there anything else I could do for him, but then we went right back into it. In the end, his argument became how inconvenient it was for everyone to have to dial the area code because it took longer. I told him I was sorry that it takes an extra 2 seconds out of someone's time to call him, but there was still not a thing I could do about it. That's all up to the service you have when you make the call, they decide how numbers have to be dialed, not me.
Dumbass of the Week
SM: I want this phone replaced. There's no damage to it. It's your fault for making a bad phone, I ain't gonna be punished for it.
I checked the notes on the account. She had called in last week because she put her phone in the fridge and left it in there overnight. I have no idea what the reasoning (or lack thereof) was behind this decision, but the condensation set in and tripped the Liquid Damage Indicator on her phone. So in her attempt to keep her phone fresh, she killed it and voided the warranty. I don't recall the box saying "Refrigerate After Opening," so this is not, much to her disappointment, my fault in any way.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Me!
Things That Make You Go WTF?
So I logged in yesterday and an account popped up that I had scheduled to follow-up with some time last month. When this happens, it also brings up the reason I did so, to save me the time of digging through the memos to remind myself what happened. This memo to myself said "Check status of account and cancel as 'Deceased Customer' if necessary."
I didn't remember ordering the Death Squads after anyone recently, so I had to look at my original memo on the account. The customer's wife called in and said he was dying of cancer, and my sup said to suspend the account and check back in 30 days to see if his condition had improved. Now I remembered. I wanted to cancel, but technically he wasn't dead yet, but I had to do as I was told. I still felt this was rather ghoulish, so I checked with my new sup since the shift change and she said to just cancel it. Still, when that note came up I had to laugh because I had no idea what I had meant by it.
Ew
SM: I'm not paying for a new Blackberry!
ME: I'm sorry, but you just upgraded to the Blackberry X in March and are not eligible for the maximum discount!
SM: But I need the new Blackberry Y!
ME: Then you can purchase it for $XXX.XX
SM: Come ON! I need it! The Blackberry X is like the tampon of Blackberry!
This is once again one of the few times that I was just stunned into silence. Literally, my mouth was open to say something, but my brain couldn't produce any response at all. Finally I managed to ask him to hold and literally just let him sit there for a couple of minutes while I tried to sort this one out. What in the name of Powdered Toast Man did he mean by this statement? What the hell did it have to do with anything? Did he really think this would amuse me? Technically, since the asshat had been with us for a long time and had a solid payment history and few credits, he was eligible for more of a discount, but I wasn't really feeling like I was obligated to offer it. So I ran it by my sup. Her response? "That's disgusting! Just for that, don't even offer him the partial discount!" That made things easier. He bought it for the full cost, too
Identity
ME: Hi, this is Kara, how can I help you today?
CSR: Hi, this is (Jack Ass) from customer care. I have (CUSTOMER) on the line wanting to cancel due to (WHATEVER).
ME: Okay, well, I'll be happy to see what I can do for him. Bring him on through.
CSR: Okay, thanks Nicki!
Nicki? My name has been butchered all kinds of ways, but Nicki? Where the hell did that come from?
A Double Whaaamburger with French Cries
SM: If you don't let me activate 1 more line of service with no deposit, then I'll cancel my entire account!
So, that's it? That's your argument? This is why you want me to overlook your piss-poor credit? I have a better idea. It's called a reality check. You either pay the $250 deposit to activate another line if you want it that bad, or you pay me almost double that in termination fees to cancel your other 2 lines to prove a point. The choice is yours. By the way, we run credit through all the credit bureaus. If they say your credit sucks, then you pay a deposit. We can't override that. At all. Period. Times infinity. Plus 1.
Crazy Jibba-Jabba Talkin' Fool!
SW: If it were up to me, I would if I could... you know what I mean, like I said. I mean, I need to see what's going to happen and you know, so that like, you know what I mean. Like I said, you know? But, like, if it were up to me, because it, like, you know? You know what I mean. I don't know. I just don't know.
I'm going to tell you this one time. Stop that, before you make my brain hemorrhage. Now, go get a shovel and scoop up all that bullshit that just fell out of your mouth, and let's try this again.
This One Made Me Laugh
SW: I got dis phone replaced, and, uh. I needs to gets my game back what I downloaded. It was Pac Man.
ME: Okay, we can-
SW: No, not Pac Man. It was Tetris.
Don't worry about it, it's a common mistake. A disembodied yellow head floating around eating dots and ghosts, and a bunch of blocks that fall from the sky. It's practically the same thing.
Methuselah
SM: I have been a customer since.... for... 2005 years!
Another case of time travel used for all the wrong reasons.
Take Care of THIS!
ME: I'm sorry, but the 846 minutes you went over are valid charges. Did you notice you were going over when you were checking your minutes last month?
SM: I don't ever check my minutes!
ME: Well, I'm sorry, but we do make several resources available to do so. Obviously, since your calling pattern was much higher than normal last month, it would have been logical to assume you might-
SM: I have been your customer for 5 years! You need to take care of this now!
Oh really? Is that what you think? That you are somehow entitled to a credit for several hundred dollars? For service you used on your phone without once assuming your responsibility to monitor your usage that you were incurring? And then expect me to make it go away? How about no?
Asian Texan Chicken Farmer
SM: I want cancel my service!
ME: I'm sorry to hear that, was there any particular reason?
SM: Yes, because you no give me number that works! I can no use this number! I want local number!
ME: I see you called in last month and we did get you a number with the area code you requested.
SM: But I can no dial it without area code! People try to call me, they cannot call me unless they dial area code!
ME: Some services require 10 digit dialing to call a cell phone. But I'm afraid that's beyond my control.
SM: But I move to Texas, I buy chicken farm! I no have long distance on farm, so if something wrong at farm they can no call me and all chicken die!
ME: We definitely wouldn't want that to happen. So your land phone service on the farm isn't able to dial the number because you have to use the area code and you don't have a long-distance plan?
SM: Yes! So your number no work!
ME: Have you considered adding long distance to your phone on the farm?
SM: But if someone break in, they make long distance call, who pay for that? You pay for that? No, I pay for that!
ME: I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do to make your land phone service not require 10 digit dialing to call the number.
SM: So I cancel, you no charge me termination fee because your number you give me no work!
ME: You called and requested numbers with XXX area code, correct?
SM: Yes.
ME: And when someone calls you, using the area code, you are able to receive the call?
SM: Yes.
ME: Then the numbers for your lines are working fine.
SM: But I can no call from farm! If something happen, no one call me, chicken all die!
ME: Then you can add long-distance to your phone on the farm.
SM: NO! Someone break in, they will make long distance call! Who pay for that? You pay for that or I pay?
ME: If someone broke in, I'd be more concerned about the facility or, more importantly, the chickens. Perhaps you should invest in some security system or personnel.
SM: No, you cancel my service and I no pay fee.
This went on for an hour. He would rant and rave over the same points over and over, and every time I shut him down. I tried several times to give him an ultimatum. You can do this, or you can do this. But he kept right on going. I tried to end it a few times by stating we'd already gone over this, and was there anything else I could do for him, but then we went right back into it. In the end, his argument became how inconvenient it was for everyone to have to dial the area code because it took longer. I told him I was sorry that it takes an extra 2 seconds out of someone's time to call him, but there was still not a thing I could do about it. That's all up to the service you have when you make the call, they decide how numbers have to be dialed, not me.
Dumbass of the Week
SM: I want this phone replaced. There's no damage to it. It's your fault for making a bad phone, I ain't gonna be punished for it.
I checked the notes on the account. She had called in last week because she put her phone in the fridge and left it in there overnight. I have no idea what the reasoning (or lack thereof) was behind this decision, but the condensation set in and tripped the Liquid Damage Indicator on her phone. So in her attempt to keep her phone fresh, she killed it and voided the warranty. I don't recall the box saying "Refrigerate After Opening," so this is not, much to her disappointment, my fault in any way.
Can I use that for a sig quote? That's great! 
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