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End of last year I was given a new medication, one my Mom knew well and was warry of. In her it had caused physical problems while not quite doing what is was made to do. A few times it was mentioned to me that I had changed but no one could quite put their finger on how.
It had been little things. I was becoming more compulsive over some things and lashing out angerly at others. Becoming overly emotional at weird times and then being almost emotionless. At this time I think my relationships with everyone I talked to began to change as well, several not for the better.
Then in April my medication was upped by double because it wasn't doing what it was supposed to. My BP was still high. Not that high mind you but higher then what is supposed to be normal. Relationships began to turn sour at a faster rate and nightmares I pushed off before we're becoming worst. I was starting to hear a voice with it too. Never multiple voices but always one that constantly made everything I did worse. Even if I had done nothing wrong.
I tried pushing this away, I couldn't let something take controll of me but it did, more and more. It was like the hissing of the snake. Work became harder to do because a snide remark would cut more and deeper. My emotions were everywhere and I was having the fears I had when I was a child coming back.
Then my eldest dog passed away. The one who used me as a pillow and the one who accepted my boyfriend, now ex, with out a second thought. He had helped me build a barrier to these thoughts and my protector was now gone.
I had left the next day for a planned trip to see the love of my life and I left on a heavy heart. Hearing the voice in my head that it was all my fault my dog was gone. It was my fault all me. I tried to hide this but I know it didn't work.
While I was around people the voice was quieter because I could ignore it easier but when I was alone it bothered me. I didn't clean that dish well enough, you know she would have this apartment clean already, you know she could make him better meals, she could always make sure he never had dirty clothes, she would always make him happy. The thing was I didn't know who the she was. It was never placed to anyone and I had started to become a bit more obsessed with needing to make things perfect.
Then the day came where I woke from
A nightmare into another nightmare and I felt trapped. I couldn't get out and through txt messages I scared the one I loved completely. He rushed home and I was able to cry but still I felt like I wasn't enough. I wasn't good enough for him and couldn't tell him what was going on. I didn't want to be pushed away and called crazy.
The vacation had ended with my mind going even weirder and my body going through ailments I couldn't understand. I was getting sicker mentally and physically. I could hear myself say something and then wonder why I said it, then it came about...the hammer had fallen and I was suddenly single. My world felt like it was over. The voice had won.
a week later and a new surprise had hit me. I was pregnant...I only had this info for a very short amount of time tho. As I had then miscarried...the baby would have been born in January... This broke me some more and I sought consul.
When I had found someone I thought she was a god send. But she very quickly turned to be poison and things became worse still. Suicide was on my mind constantly now. And here is someone saying that I'm just going to have to pull myself up. Depression isn't real.
Relationships became more strained then. More and more I was doing more harm to the fragile bonds I had left. I was having more cracks appear.
I found out after I got dumped by this woman that she wasn't even licensed a kid just out of college and not even just out with a doctorate. Her and her partner caused a lot of trouble but most of us ate laying low right now. We don't want to bf blamed for what they did.
It was then that I found out what one of my medications can do as a side affect. And at first that was some relief. I'm not crazy I just have a chemicals problem. But the wall I had to protect myself from my PTSD was gone and that added with what I had...didn't help.
I started to have physical problems then. Bad ones that were in the realms of call 912 I think I'm having a heart attack. But I couldn't call because of that voice taunting me. I finally then called one of my doctors offices.
I told them what was going on and the nurse kept giving me looks of concern. Finally a doctor I had never seen before came in. I was told my BP was just too high, lose some weight, and she doubled my med. I could barley handle 5 and here I was now being put on 20? My concerns for the side effects were brushed to the side.
Last night I damaged more of the bonds I have...a few to the unrepairable stage.
Today I called into my mail order pharmacy and have the pharmacist there my concerns. In clinical trials they had people fall into this madness but it was a rare number and was from those twice my age. She recommended calling my doctor. Who amazingly enough his office was calling me when I had gotten off the phone with the pharmacist. I have a private, after hours, appointment with a doc who has been more of a primary then my primary doctors office.
Hoping that now...I can be me again and this voice that bugs me every waking moment of the day will be finally silenced.
In short...folks if you notice someone changing after a new med...say something to them. Don't be witness to the hell I've been going through alone.
It had been little things. I was becoming more compulsive over some things and lashing out angerly at others. Becoming overly emotional at weird times and then being almost emotionless. At this time I think my relationships with everyone I talked to began to change as well, several not for the better.
Then in April my medication was upped by double because it wasn't doing what it was supposed to. My BP was still high. Not that high mind you but higher then what is supposed to be normal. Relationships began to turn sour at a faster rate and nightmares I pushed off before we're becoming worst. I was starting to hear a voice with it too. Never multiple voices but always one that constantly made everything I did worse. Even if I had done nothing wrong.
I tried pushing this away, I couldn't let something take controll of me but it did, more and more. It was like the hissing of the snake. Work became harder to do because a snide remark would cut more and deeper. My emotions were everywhere and I was having the fears I had when I was a child coming back.
Then my eldest dog passed away. The one who used me as a pillow and the one who accepted my boyfriend, now ex, with out a second thought. He had helped me build a barrier to these thoughts and my protector was now gone.
I had left the next day for a planned trip to see the love of my life and I left on a heavy heart. Hearing the voice in my head that it was all my fault my dog was gone. It was my fault all me. I tried to hide this but I know it didn't work.
While I was around people the voice was quieter because I could ignore it easier but when I was alone it bothered me. I didn't clean that dish well enough, you know she would have this apartment clean already, you know she could make him better meals, she could always make sure he never had dirty clothes, she would always make him happy. The thing was I didn't know who the she was. It was never placed to anyone and I had started to become a bit more obsessed with needing to make things perfect.
Then the day came where I woke from
A nightmare into another nightmare and I felt trapped. I couldn't get out and through txt messages I scared the one I loved completely. He rushed home and I was able to cry but still I felt like I wasn't enough. I wasn't good enough for him and couldn't tell him what was going on. I didn't want to be pushed away and called crazy.
The vacation had ended with my mind going even weirder and my body going through ailments I couldn't understand. I was getting sicker mentally and physically. I could hear myself say something and then wonder why I said it, then it came about...the hammer had fallen and I was suddenly single. My world felt like it was over. The voice had won.
a week later and a new surprise had hit me. I was pregnant...I only had this info for a very short amount of time tho. As I had then miscarried...the baby would have been born in January... This broke me some more and I sought consul.
When I had found someone I thought she was a god send. But she very quickly turned to be poison and things became worse still. Suicide was on my mind constantly now. And here is someone saying that I'm just going to have to pull myself up. Depression isn't real.
Relationships became more strained then. More and more I was doing more harm to the fragile bonds I had left. I was having more cracks appear.
I found out after I got dumped by this woman that she wasn't even licensed a kid just out of college and not even just out with a doctorate. Her and her partner caused a lot of trouble but most of us ate laying low right now. We don't want to bf blamed for what they did.
It was then that I found out what one of my medications can do as a side affect. And at first that was some relief. I'm not crazy I just have a chemicals problem. But the wall I had to protect myself from my PTSD was gone and that added with what I had...didn't help.
I started to have physical problems then. Bad ones that were in the realms of call 912 I think I'm having a heart attack. But I couldn't call because of that voice taunting me. I finally then called one of my doctors offices.
I told them what was going on and the nurse kept giving me looks of concern. Finally a doctor I had never seen before came in. I was told my BP was just too high, lose some weight, and she doubled my med. I could barley handle 5 and here I was now being put on 20? My concerns for the side effects were brushed to the side.
Last night I damaged more of the bonds I have...a few to the unrepairable stage.
Today I called into my mail order pharmacy and have the pharmacist there my concerns. In clinical trials they had people fall into this madness but it was a rare number and was from those twice my age. She recommended calling my doctor. Who amazingly enough his office was calling me when I had gotten off the phone with the pharmacist. I have a private, after hours, appointment with a doc who has been more of a primary then my primary doctors office.
Hoping that now...I can be me again and this voice that bugs me every waking moment of the day will be finally silenced.
In short...folks if you notice someone changing after a new med...say something to them. Don't be witness to the hell I've been going through alone.
My mother had one of those who blamed her viral bronchitis on the fact that she smoked and refused to write a prescription; all that without a single test and ignoring the fact that half of her office had the same problem and none of the rest were smokers. 
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