Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Oh man

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Oh man

    Today I got news that a good friend of mine, who is a single mom, and had just recently found out her cancer came back is terminal. It's heart wrenching. She's already had to tell her 12 y/o daughter she's dying. Fortunately she just moved to be near family last week so someone will be able to take the child in as the father isn't in the picture.
    I'm not doing well with the news, so I can only imagine how she's doing with it. I've come up with a couple ideas like writing letters to her daughter, taking pictures even if with disposable cameras and 1 hour photo booth of her for her daughter to have pictures of her while somewhat healthy so she'll have those memories.
    She's already planning on a trip to Build a Bear for one of those bears that will record her voice.

    Any other ideas for memories she can build with her daughter that she can do on the cheap I can suggest to her would be appreciated.

  • #2
    I'm so sorry. That's just awful.

    I think you're on the right track with the pictures. Her daugther may be most interested just in hearing you tell stories about her mom. If writing them down helps you remember, do that.

    I know it isn't much in the face of something so overwhelming, but your taking the time to maintain a connection is going to help over the years.
    The best karma is letting a jerk bash himself senseless on the wall of your polite indifference.

    The stupid is strong with this one.

    Comment


    • #3
      if someone has a digital camcorder it would be good to get some footage of her spending time with her daughter, that way she will have more than just flat pictures and a voice on a recording. She will have more to absorb when she watches it in the future, and also if she is involved in making of the footage she may have better memories of it because she can remind herself of what it was like.
      We are the willing, led by the unknowing, doing the impossible, for the ungrateful, we have now done so much, for so long - for so many, with so little, we can now do anything with nothing!!!

      Comment


      • #4
        One of my fond memories is baking cookies with my mom. That doesn't take much money. Going for a drive, out to dinner, swinging on swings, watching movies, talking, all those things. There's always so much you want to say after the person is gone.

        Comment


        • #5
          Wow, that...wow. That's awful. I'm so sorry.


          The letters thing sounds like a really good idea. The thing I thought of specifically was birthday cards, although, I don't know, that might hurt too much. But some sort of letter would be good.
          The High Priest is an Illusion!

          Comment


          • #6
            Wow, that's just awfully sad. The letters and bear sound great. While she can, they can spend time together and even videos are better too.
            I don't get paid enough to kiss your a**! -Groezig 5/31/08
            Another day...another million braincells lost...-Sarlon 6/16/08
            Chivalry is not dead. It's just direly underappreciated. -Samaliel 9/15/09

            Comment


            • #7
              How about writing a letter for each birthday her daughter has, at least until she's 21? That way, she'll have something from her mother for years to come.

              Comment


              • #8
                Record some favorite stories.
                The High Priest is an Illusion!

                Comment


                • #9
                  I got a little more information. Apparently when the doctors told her it was terminal they told her treatment had a 10-15% chance of effectiveness so she told them to stuff treatment and put her on hospice to numb the pain. She'd go down as healthy as she could be in her daughter's memory instead of as a shell of a person that chemo would turn her into.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Suggest that she pass on skills to her daughter: cooking, knitting, crochet, art, music, gardening. Whatever skills she has. That way, her daughter can later use those skills and remember her mother.
                    I have a particular baking recipe that reminds me of my grandmother, in this way; and I find baking a soothing and calming activity, probably because of Nan.

                    If you want to assist: have your friend give you the story of her life in whatever rambling version she can, and you clean it up. She can keep telling you while she's in a hospice, and you can get as much as possible done. Get anecdotes from her family, as well.
                    Focus on anecdotes, miniature stories, not an 'and then, and then, and then'.
                    Then you can make a printed copy, with photographs gleaned from the family photo album (assuming her family would be happy to help).
                    Make an e-book version (there's plenty of howtos on that). From an e-book version, there are print-on-demand places both on the web and in brick-and-mortar stores that can make a paper version as well.
                    Not only her daughter, but her family would be thrilled to have such a record of her life. I think you would too.

                    As for what she can do with her daughter: the most important thing is to BE THERE. If friends and family can take over housework, shopping, the kludgy necessities of life, then she can conserve her energies to spend time with friends, family, and her daughter. Speaking as a disabled person with limited energies: that's very, very important. (Note: the palliative care medical team should be able to provide people to do some of that work.)

                    While she's relatively well, she should go out with her daughter. Share her love of forests, mountains, beaches, whatever she loves. Some trips just the two of them, some with family or friends.
                    As she gets sicker, outings will be smaller and more likely to be to indoor places. Museums, art galleries, zoos with good walkways, free or low cost concerts. Gatherings of families and friends.
                    As things get worse, it'll be more likely that others will have to come to her, and friend/family gatherings will have to be of shorter and shorter duration.

                    Don't leave the daughter feeling 'trapped' with her mother. Have friends and family do 'respite' events: someone stays with Mum, daughter goes off with the rest of the group and has a good time.
                    That is likely to also give Mum an opportunity to stop 'being brave' for her daughter, which will be important.

                    And yes, I strongly, strongly suggest passing on skills. Skills have been very soothing and helpful to me during the worst parts of my life.
                    Seshat's self-help guide:
                    1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                    2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                    3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                    4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                    "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      This sounds massively small, but....just do anything and everything that lets them both know they are dearly loved by the other (for me that's lots of hugs, but....). I lost my dad at almost that same age, and I'm so glad we had those moments. I can't remember a lot about my dad, but I remember his warmth. It's a real comfort to know that all of this isn't happening because your parent wants to leave; it's happening because of an illness.

                      I like everyone else's ideas too.

                      Sending good thoughts to all affected by this.
                      Last edited by RootedPhoenix; 06-13-2011, 01:47 AM. Reason: emoticon fix
                      1129. I will refrain from casting Dimension Jump and Magnificent Mansion on every police box we pass.
                      -----
                      http://orchidcolors.livejournal.com (A blog about everything and nothing)

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X