Back to the evaluating time!

[fireheart]

So over the weekend, I was in hospital. Again. Suicidal ideation, to sum it up, but also because my symptoms have been rearing their ugly head BIG TIME recently.

I did have a talk with two different psychs though, who believe that there is a likelihood of it being ADHD though, in conjunction with dysthymia and some anxiety. What differs some of my symptoms from it being anxiety-induced is that say, with concentration, someone who is anxious might zone out because they're afraid of failing again, whereas in my case, I just naturally zone out. In nearly all of my symptoms, there isn't any actual thought influencing those behaviours, it just "happens" so to speak.

Either way, I'm getting referred on to someone who specialises in Adult ADHD for a full-on assessment (I know there's no formal diagnostic test), so I'm starting to collect a history. I can also place why it's been not picked up for a while though:

-I was born in the 90's, back when the Ritalin hype was still rearing its ugly head. I was also schooled in the 90's.
-I'm female. (ADHD tends to be overlooked in girls)
-I rarely acted up in class (most of my misbehaving in class was for "minor" things, outside of class I was known to act up, but not to the same degree as the boys.)
-I was twice marked as "gifted" (how gifted was to varying degrees)
-Most of the psychs were focused on the depression/anxiety symptoms and not addressing how far back some of my symptoms went.

I've got a year planner to help me keep track of appointments and whatnot and to also give me something to scribble on if I'm bored in public. I'm going to buy a fidget toy on my next paycheck as well. (Something that's actually designated as a fidget toy, not just a koosh ball)

[Seshat]

TRIGGER WARNING: I'm about to put some tips on managing suicidal ideation into this post.
I'll use white text. Highlight to read.

I've been managing suicidal ideation since I was ... damn. 16 or so. Thirty years. Still here. Guess it's been successful so far, hmm?


* If possible, distract yourself. Active stuff is better than passive, engaging the intellect is usually a good strategy. Anything you find mentally challenging - but not so challenging you get frustrated - is good.
I do logic puzzles and jigsaws and computer games.

* Talk to someone. Preferably someone who understands managing suicidal ideation, preferably someone who knows you. But talking to ANYONE can help, because it distracts your mind. If you can discuss something that engages your intellect, that's even better. Teach them something you know!
Even if they're not interested in the long term, even if they already know it. Toth has 'been taught' a lot of stuff from Bast and I over the years. We just tell him we're feeling bad, can we teach him something, and he just .. settles down and gets ready to learn - and to monitor our condition.
Prepare your friends and family members ahead of time - let them know that you're planning to try this strategy - and it's likely to work better.

* This one's a nasty one. Study the side effects of failed suicide attempts. There are a LOT of methods that I WILL NOT use, because a failure will leave me worse off than I am now.
That includes the classic wrist-slitting: it's too damn easy to catch the tendons. And while microsurgery is at the best it's ever been, I value my dexterity.

* In advance: remove anything that might be a viable, acceptable option from the house.
This includes prescription drugs. An understanding pharmacist may be willing to store any excess prescription drugs you have at the pharmacy, ensuring you never have enough on hand, personally, to successfully suicide.

- Side note. In Australia, there are no over the counter drugs that have 'failed suicide' side effects that I find acceptable. Trust me, I know!
The same is likely to be true in the US and the UK.

- Side note 2. Many prescription drugs are provided at lower than lethal amounts even without anyone asking the pharmacist to store any excess.


* Learn a few key poems, songs lines, and other mantras that will help keep you going. If you spend an hour singing R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" while the mood passes, that's fine.


* Depression LIES.
It makes the 'belief' centre of your brain believe all sorts of things, and whatever it is that it makes YOU believe, it's not true.

* Wait.
Promise yourself that tomorrow, if you still want to, you'll make the preparations. You'll check that your will is up to date, make sure your possessions are ready for your executor, make a list of your online and offline friends who will need to be notified.
Heck, prepare for this by making a list of everything that would need to be done to have an orderly exit from the world, and stick that list in a 'suicide' folder.
After all, if you are going to suicide, tomorrow is just as good for it as today. And it'd be unthinkably rude to leave the world with a mess to pick up after, wouldn't it?

- No need to tell the depressed part of your mind that you're waiting for the mood to pass.
- And the mood does pass. Eventually.


* Remember:

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

("Resume", by Dorothy Parker.)


Seshat.


Some final points.

1. The methods I mentioned above are coping strategies, NOT solutions. If you feel the urge to suicide, you can always seek medical help - as fireheart did - or call any of the mental health hotlines available in your country. Emergency dispatch (911, 000, etc) can also help you.

2. All of what I've said in this post is for managing the acute phase. Treat these feelings and urges as an illness, one with both acute and chronic phases. When the acute phase has passed, make an appointment to see your family doctor; and perhaps to get referred to a specialist.

3. I am only familiar with suicidal ideation the way Bast and I experience it. Correction, the ways, plural, that Bast and I experience it. The above is all patient-to-patient advice; not full medical advice. Do not use it to replace the assistance of trained specialists.

4. Please don't quote any of the stuff I coloured white without colouring it white yourself. Thank you.

[Apallo]

This, 1000 times this, with one small edition. (Text is white, highlight to see.)

* Wait.
Promise yourself that tomorrow, if you still want to, you'll make the preparations. You'll check that your will is up to date, make sure your possessions are ready for your executor, make a list of your online and offline friends who will need to be notified.
Heck, prepare for this by making a list of everything that would need to be done to have an orderly exit from the world, and stick that list in a 'suicide' folder.
After all, if you are going to suicide, tomorrow is just as good for it as today. And it'd be unthinkably rude to leave the world with a mess to pick up after, wouldn't it?

*** You never know what tomorrow will bring, and isn't it worth one more day to find out? ***



I have been struggling with the same thing since I was 13, and this single thing has kept me going.

-Apallo

[fireheart]

What I am happy about is that this time I haven't been out on any antidepressants/psychotics/anxiety medication. Yet.

They did consider strattera since the more common side effects for that one are minimal, it doesn't trigger my anxiety and is also sometimes used as a weight loss drug (not in Australia though), but they are waiting on my referral. I did look it up and while all the ADHD meds are fine with the weight gain and sexual side effects (mostly), there is the balance between that and depression/anxiety

[jedimaster91]

-I'm female. (ADHD tends to be overlooked in girls)
-I rarely acted up in class (most of my misbehaving in class was for "minor" things, outside of class I was known to act up, but not to the same degree as the boys.)

ADHD manifests differently in girls than in boys. Girls tend to get the daydreamy spacy side while boys generally can't sit still. Not always, mind you, but usually; which is why it can be overlooked in girls. Which parents are going to have multiple meetings with exasperated teachers: little Suzie who spends the whole day quietly daydreaming or little Johnny who won't sit down, won't stop distracting his neighbor, and is scribbling on the walls with crayons? In a perfect world, both would get the guidance they need immediately, but that is not the world we live in. Little Suzie may not have any idea what's going on, but at least she's quiet about it.

That's exactly how I was in school, and to some degree I still am. I can focus when I have to, but I don't like it and sometimes it's really difficult.

Good to hear you're getting help and I hope that you and your docs find the right combination of meds, coping strategies, and whatever else you may need to get through this.

[Tama]

Daydreamy and spacy? Got that in spades, if it is not terribly interesting to me, or it is VERY hard, I cannot seem to focus on it. Like writing one of my novels, for example. Even then it's hard, Majora's Mask is new and interesting (I have never played it before and am amazed) yet I lose interest after playing for ten minutes.

I think I never noticed until I got older because I read, a lot, and that never bothered anyone much.

Depression and awful anxiety....got that too. Maybe I need to look into this.

[Thana]

I completely and totally apologize for how this might come off but holy hell. I had no idea that there was an actual effing term for the thoughts and ideas I've had since I was 12 or so. Nor that the coping mechanisms I use to entertain but not give into these thoughts and ideas are good. Probably not medical professional good but good enough to have gotten me through the last 15 years.

Another managing tip...one that's helped me when all else has failed. Also in white text
Grab a notebook and just start writing. Don't let yourself think about what you're writing just pour out every crossing thought no matter how insignificant into the pages. Whatever crosses your mind appears on the page. When you feel you've written enough, close the notebook and put it away. Whether or not you choose to go back and read is up to you. Sometimes I flip through the multitude of notebooks I have just to see what I wrote when trying to get through a mood. Other times, I flip the first blank page I see and start writing.

I hope that things work out for you and find the right combination of stuff to help.

[Seshat]

Thana,

If you are able to seek medical help, please, please do so. Many - not all, but many - people can become well enough to never again feel those thoughts and feelings.

Don't fear that you'll be on meds the rest of your life if you get medical help. If you don't want medication, say so. Talking therapy - what I call 'physiotherapy for the mind' - is the long-term solution for most patients.

Some patients have a neurological, neurophysiological or anatomical problem; some of those can learn to train their minds/brains to work around the problem with 'physiotherapy for the mind'. Others with those problems can learn coping strategies.
It's only the last group who end up needing permanent medication - and then it's to counter the results of the problem. (Like a diabetic whose pancreas doesn't work right has to have insulin.)
Temporary medication can help support the patient by countering the brain's problem long enough for the mental training to work.

Other patients have a problem which is in - for lack of better words - their 'mind'. Again, most of those can either be healed, or can learn coping strategies, with talking therapies. Medication can act like a bandage, supporting the injured mind while it heals, but it's up to you whether or not you want to use it.
There are circumstances which damage the mind enough that long term medication is warranted. Whether or not that's appropriate for you should be between you and your doctor - ideally, if that's your situation, a psychiatrist.

[fireheart]

So a small update: my psych got the notes from the hospital visit albeit some of them, while I need to contact the hospital to get the rest sent to her.

We discussed the medication issue and how it has an effect on me. She wants to send me off to a psychiatrist for a proper assessment and evaluation since I NEED someone consistently evaluating me. Luckily there's a psych she practices with who bulk-bills, so I won't be getting charged for the sessions with HIM. She did do a screening test for me relating to ADHD and hoo boy, I wound up hitting a good chunk of the signs-so off I go to le psych! >.>

Now comes the fun part: I wound up contacting my mother and getting her to find all of the information around the tests I did as a kid. I'll get this stuff in a week or two

[fireheart]

So I wound up getting the paperwork my mother sent over. I also wound up reading it. Hoo boy I was a little brat if you needed to get an impression of me reading the reports

The long and short of the reports I found was:

-I was very sound sensitive as a kid. As in, I could not be in the same room with a vaccuum cleaner type sound-sensitive. For a period of time, I would also scream if in a lift or if my dad (or someone) was using power tools. The psych who saw me at that time also wrote me off as a brat. I got over these at varying times: lifts when I was around 5 or 6, power tools around 7 and vaccuum cleaners until I was 9.

-I was IQ tested when I was 6. I had an IQ of 126 and the reading age of a 9 year old. I was tested AGAIN when I was 13 and they found it was at 135 and my reading age was off the charts (literally-the highest score they had was 15+ years and that's what I got ). This was with the exact same test too.

-I also got stuck seeing a psychologist when I was 12-13 and had just started high school*. Apparently I was even WORSE then, to the point where I was underachieving despite the high IQ depicted above. The psych there was quick to blame everything on me period and even believed that I had Aspergers.

-I was also reviewed for Aspergers twice-once when I was almost 5 and again when I was 14. Both times came up very much negative. There were some issues around the fact that I do not look at people much when talking (I've found that this is more because when I do, I get flustered. If I look elsewhere, I can maintain my focus and stick to one task...in theory) and that I had issues socialising. What they found was that I can empathise, I do have peer relationships that I developed on my own and that while I struggle with changes, it's more the location itself I struggle with than the actual change itself. I know the change is coming, but it's just adjusting to it once it happens (ie moving interstate and settling in. I had no issue moving over myself, but it was just a case of culture shock.)

-I completely forgot about this, but it was mentioned in one of my reports: I had various hearing loss issues when I was a kidlet for a period of time until I had grommets** put in and that mucked up my language development. Apparently if there was something I wanted to say, but couldn't say it, I'd just scream. It got to the point where I was diagnosed with a language disorder, but they couldn't say what. (I grew out of this by the time school started)

My school reports were all over the place...way out in Year 8, mixed in Year 11 and picked up by Year 12 .

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week, who thankfully has agreed to bulk-bill*** me. Hopefully this goes well and if it's not ADHD, at least we might be able to finally address why I have trouble thinking clearly.

*-High school in my home state starts in Year 8. Other states start at Year 7.
**-those little green tubes that typically go in the ears of kidlets. I apparently had a ton of ear infections as a kid hence the tubes being put in. My sister also had the same issues. Funnily enough I remember HER operation as the hospital she had it done at was closer to home! (it wound up being converted into an aged care facility when I was around 10. It was also the place my grandfather died)
***-Short version: government pays the doctor a certain amount for a large number of procedures/consults and the doctor can choose whether or not to charge higher fees than that. When they'll accept the government cost for a procedure/consult and nothing else, that's known as bulk-billing. Typically kids under 16, anyone receiving welfare payments and pensioners will get bulk-billed regardless of where they go, for everyone else, it's YMMV for both clinic and procedure. I get bulk-billed for mental health issues, but if I was to go in for this rash that's appeared on my underarm all of a sudden, I may not get bulk-billed.