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Yes, I do like My Chemical Romance. Though it was a one-woman parade. I've just wanted to use that title for a while.
We have a standard free format for a wedding announcement. You fill out the form (which is pretty dang expansive, if you do it right), you hand over a picture, and we run that format gratis. That's plenty enough for most people...in fact, lots of folks who don't realize we even OFFER free wedding announcements are ecstatic to find out we do and are more than happy to have their words rearranged to fit into it.
Not Mrs. Pouffy McBighair.
Mrs. Pouffy McBighair, you see, wasn't able to put in an engagement announcement for her daughter before the wedding (which is usually how it goes), because her daughter eloped. Mrs. Pouffy McBighair's tone of voice upon describing the situation makes it obvious that this is Unacceptable, however, she is also Queen of De Nile Pouffy McBighair and is putting in an announcement for the "happy couple". Mrs. Pouffy McBighair has internalized her rage and confusion, except for her hair, which has obviously been taking a lot of abuse and is sincerely hoping that if it makes itself look bigger, it will frighten away predators. Including Mrs. Pouffy McBighair.
Keep in mind, aside from being Mrs. Pouffy McBighair, this seems to be an ordinary middle-aged woman, approximately the same shade of tannish-white as me, slightly below average for attractiveness, but not likely to induce vomiting. This is important later.
Now, the engagement announcement is where we usually include (again for free) information about the Happy Couple's education, employment, etc. But since Junior McBighair ran off with Mr. Une Worthy, Pouffy wasn't able to put that in.
Long story short, she wants to include the Happy Couple's biographies in the wedding announcement.
And of course, Pouffy wants it for free.
She comes to my desk and immediately blurts out the entire situation, giving way more vocal detail than she thinks she's giving. And immediately goes on the attack.
Pouffy: "You CAN include this, since there weren't any bridesmaids or groomsmen, we can just EXCLUDE that section and INCLUDE their education, right."
She loses because she failed to put her answer in the form of a question.
Now, her idea makes sense in theory. But look at it from our point of view. First of all, we're being AWFULLY generous to even OFFER a free wedding annoucement at all. Plenty of other papers don't. I know, I hear about them all the time. Second, we HAVE a standard format to our free format because, to be frank, we don't have time to customize everyone's crap. If we just let them put and pull whatever they wanted, we'd wind up with eight-page long annoucements. It's a way to keep the length down.
Now, again, in theory, of course it seems logical that if you're going to leave off one part of this, you can substitute a part of equal or lesser value, but it just doesn't work that way. We do that for her, then we have someone who wants to leave off where the couple were married to include the color of the mother's dress, or leave out the groom's name to discuss the mother's huge helmet hairdo, etc. (It's always the mothers.) We have limits because people can't control themselves.
However, if they go downstairs and hand money to the advertising department, those people will let them run wild all they want, until the money runs out. This option is usually taken quite gladly in order to get Le Perfecte Announcementa.
Of course, this makes No Sense to Mrs. Pouffy McBighair, because after all, she is Queen, even if it is of De Nile. Therefore, of course, we MUST bow down and allow her to include the apparently limited education of her prodigal offspring, and allow it FREE, because after all, it is not HER fault that Junior McBighair found it necessary to run to Vegas with Une Worthy so there was no engagement announcement. Obviously, we had something to do with it. Us and that damn rock n' roll.
I, again, calmly offer her logic as to why her brilliant idea is not. It seems to cause pain.
At this point, shrieking indignantly (and causing her hair to try to look even larger from fear), she unleashed the following on me.
"I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU WON'T DO THIS FOR ME! THIS IS COMPLETELY DISCRIMANATORY AGAINST SOMEONE WHO LIVES HERE!"
Fortunately, I managed not to burst out laughing right then and there, for sure Pouffy would have attempted to eat my spinal cord. However, the obvious logical fallacy of my discriminating against people who live in the EXACT SAME AREA AS ME...along with several other, less rational thoughts about the situation...renders me incapable of providing any sort of answer aside from a blank, slightly bemused stare.
Pouffy is busy with her own stare, steamed with rage and promises of disemboweling, and eventually snatches up her announcement, stomping to the elevator all the while proclaiming the injustice of it all and possibly hinting at involving her husband, OFFICER McBighair, seeing as how he is a CITY POLICEMAN, and I am just a NEWSPAPER GIRL.
I would be more nervous, but a quick check with the cop reporter assured me no such officer exists.
The elevator door closed, Queen Pouffy was overthrown, and the sound of joyous laughter filled the kingdom. Even if it was less joyous and more hysterical and, after a moment, riddled with pain.
And we lived happily ever after, or at least until lunch was over.
We have a standard free format for a wedding announcement. You fill out the form (which is pretty dang expansive, if you do it right), you hand over a picture, and we run that format gratis. That's plenty enough for most people...in fact, lots of folks who don't realize we even OFFER free wedding announcements are ecstatic to find out we do and are more than happy to have their words rearranged to fit into it.
Not Mrs. Pouffy McBighair.
Mrs. Pouffy McBighair, you see, wasn't able to put in an engagement announcement for her daughter before the wedding (which is usually how it goes), because her daughter eloped. Mrs. Pouffy McBighair's tone of voice upon describing the situation makes it obvious that this is Unacceptable, however, she is also Queen of De Nile Pouffy McBighair and is putting in an announcement for the "happy couple". Mrs. Pouffy McBighair has internalized her rage and confusion, except for her hair, which has obviously been taking a lot of abuse and is sincerely hoping that if it makes itself look bigger, it will frighten away predators. Including Mrs. Pouffy McBighair.
Keep in mind, aside from being Mrs. Pouffy McBighair, this seems to be an ordinary middle-aged woman, approximately the same shade of tannish-white as me, slightly below average for attractiveness, but not likely to induce vomiting. This is important later.
Now, the engagement announcement is where we usually include (again for free) information about the Happy Couple's education, employment, etc. But since Junior McBighair ran off with Mr. Une Worthy, Pouffy wasn't able to put that in.
Long story short, she wants to include the Happy Couple's biographies in the wedding announcement.
And of course, Pouffy wants it for free.
She comes to my desk and immediately blurts out the entire situation, giving way more vocal detail than she thinks she's giving. And immediately goes on the attack.
Pouffy: "You CAN include this, since there weren't any bridesmaids or groomsmen, we can just EXCLUDE that section and INCLUDE their education, right."
She loses because she failed to put her answer in the form of a question.
Now, her idea makes sense in theory. But look at it from our point of view. First of all, we're being AWFULLY generous to even OFFER a free wedding annoucement at all. Plenty of other papers don't. I know, I hear about them all the time. Second, we HAVE a standard format to our free format because, to be frank, we don't have time to customize everyone's crap. If we just let them put and pull whatever they wanted, we'd wind up with eight-page long annoucements. It's a way to keep the length down.
Now, again, in theory, of course it seems logical that if you're going to leave off one part of this, you can substitute a part of equal or lesser value, but it just doesn't work that way. We do that for her, then we have someone who wants to leave off where the couple were married to include the color of the mother's dress, or leave out the groom's name to discuss the mother's huge helmet hairdo, etc. (It's always the mothers.) We have limits because people can't control themselves.
However, if they go downstairs and hand money to the advertising department, those people will let them run wild all they want, until the money runs out. This option is usually taken quite gladly in order to get Le Perfecte Announcementa.
Of course, this makes No Sense to Mrs. Pouffy McBighair, because after all, she is Queen, even if it is of De Nile. Therefore, of course, we MUST bow down and allow her to include the apparently limited education of her prodigal offspring, and allow it FREE, because after all, it is not HER fault that Junior McBighair found it necessary to run to Vegas with Une Worthy so there was no engagement announcement. Obviously, we had something to do with it. Us and that damn rock n' roll.
I, again, calmly offer her logic as to why her brilliant idea is not. It seems to cause pain.
At this point, shrieking indignantly (and causing her hair to try to look even larger from fear), she unleashed the following on me.
"I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU WON'T DO THIS FOR ME! THIS IS COMPLETELY DISCRIMANATORY AGAINST SOMEONE WHO LIVES HERE!"
Fortunately, I managed not to burst out laughing right then and there, for sure Pouffy would have attempted to eat my spinal cord. However, the obvious logical fallacy of my discriminating against people who live in the EXACT SAME AREA AS ME...along with several other, less rational thoughts about the situation...renders me incapable of providing any sort of answer aside from a blank, slightly bemused stare.
Pouffy is busy with her own stare, steamed with rage and promises of disemboweling, and eventually snatches up her announcement, stomping to the elevator all the while proclaiming the injustice of it all and possibly hinting at involving her husband, OFFICER McBighair, seeing as how he is a CITY POLICEMAN, and I am just a NEWSPAPER GIRL.
I would be more nervous, but a quick check with the cop reporter assured me no such officer exists.
The elevator door closed, Queen Pouffy was overthrown, and the sound of joyous laughter filled the kingdom. Even if it was less joyous and more hysterical and, after a moment, riddled with pain.
And we lived happily ever after, or at least until lunch was over.
buh bye crazy lady!
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