Tweet
Well, with all the people reaching out for help, I wanted to put a positive thread out here.
I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar, with Anxiety, Depression (duh), and I already have Epilepsy. Oh, and I suffered (SUFFERED) with Post Partum Depression in 2010.
Ok. It looks like I've had bi-polar all my life, we (me and docs etc) never did figure it out. Since I was 17, 20ish, I'd have mood swings. I'd bottom out, be >.< that close to suicide, and slowly come back out of the ditch. These were depression swings (well, then it was just plain depression) and since I was "just" depressed, we (docs and I) started using anti-depressants. Well, that worked ok. I didn't bottom out as often, or as hard as I had.
Do keep in mind, during this time, I was taking a medication for seizure control. But that medication "dulls" down everything, it's a barbiturate related drug. Think of yourself doodling around, being yourself, but going in slower motion. And less reaction to anything. You could say I was stoned. BUT I didn't know, I was functioning as my self here, I had grown up with this drug. The me running was me who'd built self with that drug.
Doot de doot, we're going through my life, doot de doot. But I can get a job, and lose it in a short amount of time. Less than a year. Hm. And I knew I needed some kind of counseling; people were allllll telling me that my behavior was the reason why I got fired. Not because I was breaking rules and spray painting the boss, or because I was late more than 1/4 my shift. Nope, it was because I didn't get along. Hmph. So I set a goal to get some help. But I'd get a job, start to set up counseling, lose the job, and.....no doc, no counseling, job hunt. People told me "you do THAT and people don't like that". So I'd ask, "why is that bad, and what do I do to fix it?" Nobody could explain. I needed counseling. Badly.
I stopped working retail and went to college for computer stuff. Computers were more interesting than people, dontcha know. I did great in school, but not so great in depression control.
Shit. shitshitshitfuck. Ok, new med, new drug tweak, new regime. Picked self back up and kept on going. Got new job in IT work! Yay! And, of course, after about 6 months, would lose that job. This was very repetitive. Oh. Now I'm noticing that the job hire/fire was getting shorter. Uh oh. I have no help. I am kind of looking around for counseling stuff but where do I start?
I got pregnant.
That was/has been the best thing ever. Because I got on welfare, and got Medicaid. And started counseling. Then had some Post Partum Depression, enough to go to the ER. This was sitting in corner crying Post Partum Depression. It was telling self to not go to the knife drawer. Sleeping 14 hours a day. Yeah.
So docs and I hatched a plan (while I'm spazzing out, mind you) to swap the old seizure drug (barbiturate) with another drug that is known to up moods and help them. The best part - this one drug treated BOTH issues. Yay! (while I'm sitting eating cookies to get a sugar high).
I got somewhat settled down with the PPD. (That took at least 6, 7 months from start to almost done). My moods were not so heavy swinging, or at least when I went down, it wasn't THAT far down. I started big time counseling. BIG TIME intense serious brain-picking.
Again, more drug tweaking all over the place. Keep in mind, I'm still wonky, irritable, ninja mood swings, just...ping pong ball in mood land.
It's honestly taken oh, 14, 16 months. I'm NOW at a place where I'm feeling good enough to volunteer. I'm WANTING to get a job, but...there's a lot of but in there. I can get through a day without crying and hugging a pillow. I can get myself up in the morning, get my shit done during the day, ENJOY it, and do more than I had for the day's task list. That is a big 180* from what I started with. It used to be wake up, shower, sit, TV, sad all day, anxiety, thought looping, "I'm a failure" thought.
All those skills I type up? From DBT therapy. From teaching myself "self aware first" then "Ok, pick from this list to help right now in this moment". From the mood changes with the drug treatment. From eating better. From exercising. From getting out and socializing with people to practice my one on one skills.
I'm trying to say that it's possible to come up from a hell of a depression ditch, and stay up. Or if you fall down a little bit, you can come back up. I'm saying learning all this shit has made it possible for me to get somewhere with my own goals. I'm saying that I'm an example of progress. Depression for 3 days, no bathing, being slug on couch that couldn't get up, to a person now who HAS a day of depression at the level of just not going outside. I once was manic enough to go run away and try to get to Boston. (why the hell that city came up was news to me, I have no fucking idea why that showed up in my head).
Now, now, I've got my moods mostly stabilized. And skills to deal with it when life starts going sideways. I still don't work. I'm still on welfare (honestly I chose that over unemployment money, just to keep the counseling). I'm so broke that I don't just volunteer at the food bank, I'm a customer sometimes.
But look. You (yalls) can recognize when you're REALLY down. So can I. I've found help, but it took me some serious leg work and tenacity. You CAN get the help. You CAN get better. (and I did the legwork while being so wonky I slept for 14 hours a day and was really thinking of how to get out of that situation) It will take time, not just a *snap all done*. It will take longer than you expect or hope for. BUT it is possible. You can tell in your head you're not YOU. You can get the help, you can work for it, I'm telling you I've done it. My case took drugs, drug changes, counseling and time. YMMV.
Try, people. At least try.
I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar, with Anxiety, Depression (duh), and I already have Epilepsy. Oh, and I suffered (SUFFERED) with Post Partum Depression in 2010.
Ok. It looks like I've had bi-polar all my life, we (me and docs etc) never did figure it out. Since I was 17, 20ish, I'd have mood swings. I'd bottom out, be >.< that close to suicide, and slowly come back out of the ditch. These were depression swings (well, then it was just plain depression) and since I was "just" depressed, we (docs and I) started using anti-depressants. Well, that worked ok. I didn't bottom out as often, or as hard as I had.
Do keep in mind, during this time, I was taking a medication for seizure control. But that medication "dulls" down everything, it's a barbiturate related drug. Think of yourself doodling around, being yourself, but going in slower motion. And less reaction to anything. You could say I was stoned. BUT I didn't know, I was functioning as my self here, I had grown up with this drug. The me running was me who'd built self with that drug.
Doot de doot, we're going through my life, doot de doot. But I can get a job, and lose it in a short amount of time. Less than a year. Hm. And I knew I needed some kind of counseling; people were allllll telling me that my behavior was the reason why I got fired. Not because I was breaking rules and spray painting the boss, or because I was late more than 1/4 my shift. Nope, it was because I didn't get along. Hmph. So I set a goal to get some help. But I'd get a job, start to set up counseling, lose the job, and.....no doc, no counseling, job hunt. People told me "you do THAT and people don't like that". So I'd ask, "why is that bad, and what do I do to fix it?" Nobody could explain. I needed counseling. Badly.
I stopped working retail and went to college for computer stuff. Computers were more interesting than people, dontcha know. I did great in school, but not so great in depression control.
Shit. shitshitshitfuck. Ok, new med, new drug tweak, new regime. Picked self back up and kept on going. Got new job in IT work! Yay! And, of course, after about 6 months, would lose that job. This was very repetitive. Oh. Now I'm noticing that the job hire/fire was getting shorter. Uh oh. I have no help. I am kind of looking around for counseling stuff but where do I start?
I got pregnant.
That was/has been the best thing ever. Because I got on welfare, and got Medicaid. And started counseling. Then had some Post Partum Depression, enough to go to the ER. This was sitting in corner crying Post Partum Depression. It was telling self to not go to the knife drawer. Sleeping 14 hours a day. Yeah.
So docs and I hatched a plan (while I'm spazzing out, mind you) to swap the old seizure drug (barbiturate) with another drug that is known to up moods and help them. The best part - this one drug treated BOTH issues. Yay! (while I'm sitting eating cookies to get a sugar high).
I got somewhat settled down with the PPD. (That took at least 6, 7 months from start to almost done). My moods were not so heavy swinging, or at least when I went down, it wasn't THAT far down. I started big time counseling. BIG TIME intense serious brain-picking.
Again, more drug tweaking all over the place. Keep in mind, I'm still wonky, irritable, ninja mood swings, just...ping pong ball in mood land.
It's honestly taken oh, 14, 16 months. I'm NOW at a place where I'm feeling good enough to volunteer. I'm WANTING to get a job, but...there's a lot of but in there. I can get through a day without crying and hugging a pillow. I can get myself up in the morning, get my shit done during the day, ENJOY it, and do more than I had for the day's task list. That is a big 180* from what I started with. It used to be wake up, shower, sit, TV, sad all day, anxiety, thought looping, "I'm a failure" thought.
All those skills I type up? From DBT therapy. From teaching myself "self aware first" then "Ok, pick from this list to help right now in this moment". From the mood changes with the drug treatment. From eating better. From exercising. From getting out and socializing with people to practice my one on one skills.
I'm trying to say that it's possible to come up from a hell of a depression ditch, and stay up. Or if you fall down a little bit, you can come back up. I'm saying learning all this shit has made it possible for me to get somewhere with my own goals. I'm saying that I'm an example of progress. Depression for 3 days, no bathing, being slug on couch that couldn't get up, to a person now who HAS a day of depression at the level of just not going outside. I once was manic enough to go run away and try to get to Boston. (why the hell that city came up was news to me, I have no fucking idea why that showed up in my head).
Now, now, I've got my moods mostly stabilized. And skills to deal with it when life starts going sideways. I still don't work. I'm still on welfare (honestly I chose that over unemployment money, just to keep the counseling). I'm so broke that I don't just volunteer at the food bank, I'm a customer sometimes.
But look. You (yalls) can recognize when you're REALLY down. So can I. I've found help, but it took me some serious leg work and tenacity. You CAN get the help. You CAN get better. (and I did the legwork while being so wonky I slept for 14 hours a day and was really thinking of how to get out of that situation) It will take time, not just a *snap all done*. It will take longer than you expect or hope for. BUT it is possible. You can tell in your head you're not YOU. You can get the help, you can work for it, I'm telling you I've done it. My case took drugs, drug changes, counseling and time. YMMV.
Try, people. At least try.