Tweet
The Tinfoil Hat Chronicles
I hate long calls in general. Lemme get that out in the open first, because this call took about an hour when it was a fifteen-minute issue including a dispatch.
That said, there's two types of long calls I usually end up getting because I'm sure our automated system hates all our asses at the call center: the 'speak with five departments just to correct something' long call, which is the lesser of the two evils, and the 'do I still have an ear, and if I do, why does it feel like freshly-cooked bacon?' call where the caller doesn't even let you get a word in edgewise. I'm not even going to post the entire (barely memorized) transcript because I'm letting my brain regenerate, but here's the general gist of things.
The caller's computer had repeatedly been giving him problems because somehow, when he downloaded something off of our website (supposedly), it upgraded him to IE9. IE8 allowed him about twenty or so tabs before his system locked up, and to be quite honest, twenty tabs open at any time is either a job requirement that involves multitasking or the biggest cry for help ever, but with IE9, somehow he's only able to open three tabs before his system ragequits on him. In addition to that, his service itself is about as stable as a coked-up badger.
It took him half an hour to tell me all of that, nine times over, without apparently breathing. This guy had somehow mastered the art of droning on and holds the only 7th degree black belt in it. At least the time he took to tell me about his two problems eighteen times with a singer's breath control gave me a chance to look at his line itself to try to figure out why it's not holding a signal for longer than an hour at a time.
Then comes the part where I tell him he needs a tech to come out. Okay, he seems alright with the idea that anything between service terminal and side of the house is on us. Okay, he's not happy with the chance of a charge if it's his inside wiring at fault; understandable and easy to sympathize with. Okay... wait, he's protesting the possibly of a free modem swap? The fuck?
I explain to him the reasoning behind the chance that it's gonna cost him: the ISP provides the signal and the equipment, but not his house's wiring itself; that falls under homeowner/landlord responsibility according to his ToS. Okay, that makes sense. He's still pissed, but at least he's an informed kind of pissed. I segue into the fact that the modem counts as 'something we provided him' which is why it's free, but he still doesn't want us to come inside and now he threatens to cancel.
And to think I'd gone a whole month without headdesking up until this point.
Then the crowner: He says he's running a business and losing money. Now I'm lost. I don't mention that part of the ToS because at least at this point, he's letting me get maybe one or two syllables in edgewise, but I sympathize with him about that because, you know, call center, must take calls to get paid. So I let him know that once the tech gets there, he could always refuse the call and cancel his ticket with us if the tech even wants to step inside.
Praise the ones who discovered caffeine as an energy booster, he finally got it. Exeunt caller, exeunt ZW for a much needed cigarette. I honestly have no fucking clue what happened, but I'm pretty sure he's gonna cancel as soon as he tries to put that kind of mentality into effect once the tech gets there.
That said, there's two types of long calls I usually end up getting because I'm sure our automated system hates all our asses at the call center: the 'speak with five departments just to correct something' long call, which is the lesser of the two evils, and the 'do I still have an ear, and if I do, why does it feel like freshly-cooked bacon?' call where the caller doesn't even let you get a word in edgewise. I'm not even going to post the entire (barely memorized) transcript because I'm letting my brain regenerate, but here's the general gist of things.
The caller's computer had repeatedly been giving him problems because somehow, when he downloaded something off of our website (supposedly), it upgraded him to IE9. IE8 allowed him about twenty or so tabs before his system locked up, and to be quite honest, twenty tabs open at any time is either a job requirement that involves multitasking or the biggest cry for help ever, but with IE9, somehow he's only able to open three tabs before his system ragequits on him. In addition to that, his service itself is about as stable as a coked-up badger.
It took him half an hour to tell me all of that, nine times over, without apparently breathing. This guy had somehow mastered the art of droning on and holds the only 7th degree black belt in it. At least the time he took to tell me about his two problems eighteen times with a singer's breath control gave me a chance to look at his line itself to try to figure out why it's not holding a signal for longer than an hour at a time.
Then comes the part where I tell him he needs a tech to come out. Okay, he seems alright with the idea that anything between service terminal and side of the house is on us. Okay, he's not happy with the chance of a charge if it's his inside wiring at fault; understandable and easy to sympathize with. Okay... wait, he's protesting the possibly of a free modem swap? The fuck?
I explain to him the reasoning behind the chance that it's gonna cost him: the ISP provides the signal and the equipment, but not his house's wiring itself; that falls under homeowner/landlord responsibility according to his ToS. Okay, that makes sense. He's still pissed, but at least he's an informed kind of pissed. I segue into the fact that the modem counts as 'something we provided him' which is why it's free, but he still doesn't want us to come inside and now he threatens to cancel.
And to think I'd gone a whole month without headdesking up until this point.
Then the crowner: He says he's running a business and losing money. Now I'm lost. I don't mention that part of the ToS because at least at this point, he's letting me get maybe one or two syllables in edgewise, but I sympathize with him about that because, you know, call center, must take calls to get paid. So I let him know that once the tech gets there, he could always refuse the call and cancel his ticket with us if the tech even wants to step inside.
Praise the ones who discovered caffeine as an energy booster, he finally got it. Exeunt caller, exeunt ZW for a much needed cigarette. I honestly have no fucking clue what happened, but I'm pretty sure he's gonna cancel as soon as he tries to put that kind of mentality into effect once the tech gets there.
Comment