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Another thread brought up a demon that I haven't quite managed to bury yet, so I figured I'd at least tell the tale. I've only had two boyfriends, but boy they were a doozy.
The meet: At this time, I had pretty much broken from reality. I was depressed, had been taken off of my antidepressant medication very suddenly, (bad idea!) and I was rather young to be on antidepressants. I had given up on school, so my parents spent their days yelling at me.
I had really taken to Harry Potter and its magical world. With my own additions, I adopted it as my glasses to my world. I somehow saw a kinship in him, or at least, someone who would listen to me. We talked for a half hour about ghosts. He seemed to share my beliefs, and we became close friends.
I should note that I was not the only one who was clearly severely mentally ill, as he had a major breakdown where the teacher had to leave the classroom over. (Like, anybody who knows someone on the autism spectrum, when they get overwhelmed, the resulting tantrum was similar to what he did.)
The relationship: As if it wasn't crazy enough, he then said that he had been sent from a company that secretly controlled the world (I would like to point out at this time, that I was young enough to genuinely believe this. Like, puberty-had-not-yet-hit-young) to train me in my psychic abilities. I got a huge crush on him, which he took advantage of while he openly chased my friend.
He had me do weird stuff, which I imagine he just got a kick out of, like having me take a sample of my sister's hair to him, or using a pen on my skin like a 'shot.' Any time he had upset me too much, and I was on the verge of leaving him, he would say 'but I'm your mentor. Don't you want to grow your psychic powers?' And of course I did, so I stayed.
We started dating when he said he had to choose between three girls. A girl in a picture, who was supposedly his current girlfriend, my best friend, and me. I was elated I was simply in the running. (That's how low of an opinion I had of myself.)
I told my friend via Email, and she reportedly had quite the visible fight with him over that, and told him to go fuck himself. So he picked me.
He lavished me, with gifts that didn't quite make sense, like earrings (even though my ears weren't pierced.) He got me a calming music player (like it exclusively played nature sounds). He was very uncomfortable with physical contact. One time he put his arm around me, and looked like he wanted to kill himself for it.
He managed to get me to push away most of my friends, excluding the previously-mentioned best friend. He very easily managed to get me to push away my family.
The end: He tried to break up with me three times. The first, a week from my birthday, where he claimed 'the company' told him to break up with me, and gave him a week. The deadline came and passed with no change. Then he broke up with me, and my reaction was not visible to him. He rescinded. Finally, he broke up with me, walked away, and that was that.
He spent the next year mocking every idea I ever had (we were always arranged alphabetically, so he ended up sitting next to me all the time), spreading rumours about me, and making up terrible epithets like 'unistash.' (It was terrible for a middle-schooler. Now I'm more comfortable with my absurdly high testosterone level, and resulting unfeminine facial hair.)
The Shocking Twist!: He had dated my friend that he had been trying to push away from me before he dated me.
Where he is now: Worryingly, looking into becoming a therapist. Well, I hope he's sorted himself out I guess. I really, really hope he doesn't have a personality disorder. He got his GED, after dropping out of high school, and was reportedly in-and-out of court due to truancy.
The meet: We were both put in a class for kids who were too high functioning to be considered special ed, but too low functioning to be considered normal. The qualifiers were: 1: You refused to do anything, and repeatedly got into trouble, or 2: Your grades were lower than your teachers declared you were capable of, or 3: you were considered 'socially lacking.'
He and I had written similar stories, so we began our very geeky-friendship, which eventually led to dating.
The Relationship: A major conflict of our relationship was that I was the masculine one, and he didn't appreciate it. While he had meltdowns over someone stealing his pencil, I threatened to beat up people who threatened to beat up him.
I also picked up some of CB's tricks, but was less subtle about it. If he annoyed me, I kicked him. And he annoyed me all the time. (I found that, before I went back on SSRIs, sometimes people annoyed me just by breathing.) I was very uncomfortable with physical contact, and made excuses not to do things like hold hands.
We went on dates, and kissed, and he got me gifts. I never got him anything, or even remembered when I was supposed to. We were so frequently on-again-off-again (with both parties doing the breaking-up) that I went to summer camp, got flirty with a guy, came home and realized we were on-again. (The shocking twist made the guilt about this non-existent.)
The end: As part of the whole 'coming out as gay' thing, which was a process that took, unfortunately, his and my entire relationship, I had to come to accept that, if we were older, if the relationship was expected to have a sexual component, I couldn't do it. He didn't attract me. Heck, sometimes he disgusted me. (He had sweaty hands when he got nervous.) I also realized that, after he had broken up with me, the same way CB did, that I was wrong to get back together with him, because I resented him for doing that to me. I didn't tell him that as a reason why I broke up with him, but I broke up with him.
We didn't talk for two years. My senior year of high school, we talked again. We became friends. He tutored me in physics. He was the first person I 'came out' to, when pressured as to why I didn't want to get back together with him.
Unfortunately, our relationship as friends is just as on-again-off-again, due to things like him implying he wanted to hurt me, the whole incident where he said to me, on facebook, that he had fantasies about raping me and then peeing on me (that one took a while to deal with), then having several meltdowns where he claimed he couldn't trust me, or anyone, or himself, ect.
I've been trying to get him to get mental help. It may happen when he comes up for the summer. I know a place, his parents want him to get a psych eval for ADHD anyway, and I'm about ready to drag him there if I'll stop getting the late-night IMs.
The Shocking Twist!: He cheated on me. With a guy.
So, not having had a healthy relationship at my age I feel is fairly normal. I'm college-age, both of these guys were during grades 5-12. This unhealthy though? Just my luck I suppose.
I've lifted my vow technically, but coming out has made it harder. Finding gay women has been a bust for me so far. (I went to a youth support group for LGBT teens, and was forced to sit through a video on pregnancy. I decided it was B.S. and left. Sorry, I didn't volunteer for another round of sex-ed.)
So, that was fun getting out. I know I didn't come out the best, so let me add this: Since getting on SSRIs, I got a lot nicer. Everyone except my father (who says I've gotten less motivated) has loved my behaviour on the SSRIs, because I don't snap at people, and I seem happier. (because I am.) I'm a pacifist and Buddhist now, so I'm working on dealing with my anger issues. I have pacifism down. I just need to get verbal-pacifism (where I don't insult people) down. XP
CB is long gone. I could contact him on facebook, but that feels stalky and unnecessary. NA... I'll sever that relationship once I get him to take the psych eval. (Or maybe it'll finally get healthy.) I know that technically, it isn't any of my business, but I feel like it kinda is, since having been on both sides of the abusive-relationship-relationship, I know what I must have put him through.
At least he's in another state 90% of the time, and I know when he's not.
Boyfriend the first: CB
The meet: At this time, I had pretty much broken from reality. I was depressed, had been taken off of my antidepressant medication very suddenly, (bad idea!) and I was rather young to be on antidepressants. I had given up on school, so my parents spent their days yelling at me.
I had really taken to Harry Potter and its magical world. With my own additions, I adopted it as my glasses to my world. I somehow saw a kinship in him, or at least, someone who would listen to me. We talked for a half hour about ghosts. He seemed to share my beliefs, and we became close friends.
I should note that I was not the only one who was clearly severely mentally ill, as he had a major breakdown where the teacher had to leave the classroom over. (Like, anybody who knows someone on the autism spectrum, when they get overwhelmed, the resulting tantrum was similar to what he did.)
The relationship: As if it wasn't crazy enough, he then said that he had been sent from a company that secretly controlled the world (I would like to point out at this time, that I was young enough to genuinely believe this. Like, puberty-had-not-yet-hit-young) to train me in my psychic abilities. I got a huge crush on him, which he took advantage of while he openly chased my friend.
He had me do weird stuff, which I imagine he just got a kick out of, like having me take a sample of my sister's hair to him, or using a pen on my skin like a 'shot.' Any time he had upset me too much, and I was on the verge of leaving him, he would say 'but I'm your mentor. Don't you want to grow your psychic powers?' And of course I did, so I stayed.
We started dating when he said he had to choose between three girls. A girl in a picture, who was supposedly his current girlfriend, my best friend, and me. I was elated I was simply in the running. (That's how low of an opinion I had of myself.)
I told my friend via Email, and she reportedly had quite the visible fight with him over that, and told him to go fuck himself. So he picked me.
He lavished me, with gifts that didn't quite make sense, like earrings (even though my ears weren't pierced.) He got me a calming music player (like it exclusively played nature sounds). He was very uncomfortable with physical contact. One time he put his arm around me, and looked like he wanted to kill himself for it.
He managed to get me to push away most of my friends, excluding the previously-mentioned best friend. He very easily managed to get me to push away my family.
The end: He tried to break up with me three times. The first, a week from my birthday, where he claimed 'the company' told him to break up with me, and gave him a week. The deadline came and passed with no change. Then he broke up with me, and my reaction was not visible to him. He rescinded. Finally, he broke up with me, walked away, and that was that.
He spent the next year mocking every idea I ever had (we were always arranged alphabetically, so he ended up sitting next to me all the time), spreading rumours about me, and making up terrible epithets like 'unistash.' (It was terrible for a middle-schooler. Now I'm more comfortable with my absurdly high testosterone level, and resulting unfeminine facial hair.)
The Shocking Twist!: He had dated my friend that he had been trying to push away from me before he dated me.
Where he is now: Worryingly, looking into becoming a therapist. Well, I hope he's sorted himself out I guess. I really, really hope he doesn't have a personality disorder. He got his GED, after dropping out of high school, and was reportedly in-and-out of court due to truancy.
Boyfriend the second: NA
The meet: We were both put in a class for kids who were too high functioning to be considered special ed, but too low functioning to be considered normal. The qualifiers were: 1: You refused to do anything, and repeatedly got into trouble, or 2: Your grades were lower than your teachers declared you were capable of, or 3: you were considered 'socially lacking.'
He and I had written similar stories, so we began our very geeky-friendship, which eventually led to dating.
The Relationship: A major conflict of our relationship was that I was the masculine one, and he didn't appreciate it. While he had meltdowns over someone stealing his pencil, I threatened to beat up people who threatened to beat up him.
I also picked up some of CB's tricks, but was less subtle about it. If he annoyed me, I kicked him. And he annoyed me all the time. (I found that, before I went back on SSRIs, sometimes people annoyed me just by breathing.) I was very uncomfortable with physical contact, and made excuses not to do things like hold hands.
We went on dates, and kissed, and he got me gifts. I never got him anything, or even remembered when I was supposed to. We were so frequently on-again-off-again (with both parties doing the breaking-up) that I went to summer camp, got flirty with a guy, came home and realized we were on-again. (The shocking twist made the guilt about this non-existent.)
The end: As part of the whole 'coming out as gay' thing, which was a process that took, unfortunately, his and my entire relationship, I had to come to accept that, if we were older, if the relationship was expected to have a sexual component, I couldn't do it. He didn't attract me. Heck, sometimes he disgusted me. (He had sweaty hands when he got nervous.) I also realized that, after he had broken up with me, the same way CB did, that I was wrong to get back together with him, because I resented him for doing that to me. I didn't tell him that as a reason why I broke up with him, but I broke up with him.
We didn't talk for two years. My senior year of high school, we talked again. We became friends. He tutored me in physics. He was the first person I 'came out' to, when pressured as to why I didn't want to get back together with him.
Unfortunately, our relationship as friends is just as on-again-off-again, due to things like him implying he wanted to hurt me, the whole incident where he said to me, on facebook, that he had fantasies about raping me and then peeing on me (that one took a while to deal with), then having several meltdowns where he claimed he couldn't trust me, or anyone, or himself, ect.
I've been trying to get him to get mental help. It may happen when he comes up for the summer. I know a place, his parents want him to get a psych eval for ADHD anyway, and I'm about ready to drag him there if I'll stop getting the late-night IMs.
The Shocking Twist!: He cheated on me. With a guy.
Final thoughts:
After those two, I took a two-year-vow of emotional celibacy. (I specify because sexual celibacy had been vowed because of my age, so...) When this was put on top of my undiagnosed anxiety and depression, I felt I just wasn't ready to try again.So, not having had a healthy relationship at my age I feel is fairly normal. I'm college-age, both of these guys were during grades 5-12. This unhealthy though? Just my luck I suppose.
I've lifted my vow technically, but coming out has made it harder. Finding gay women has been a bust for me so far. (I went to a youth support group for LGBT teens, and was forced to sit through a video on pregnancy. I decided it was B.S. and left. Sorry, I didn't volunteer for another round of sex-ed.)
So, that was fun getting out. I know I didn't come out the best, so let me add this: Since getting on SSRIs, I got a lot nicer. Everyone except my father (who says I've gotten less motivated) has loved my behaviour on the SSRIs, because I don't snap at people, and I seem happier. (because I am.) I'm a pacifist and Buddhist now, so I'm working on dealing with my anger issues. I have pacifism down. I just need to get verbal-pacifism (where I don't insult people) down. XP
CB is long gone. I could contact him on facebook, but that feels stalky and unnecessary. NA... I'll sever that relationship once I get him to take the psych eval. (Or maybe it'll finally get healthy.) I know that technically, it isn't any of my business, but I feel like it kinda is, since having been on both sides of the abusive-relationship-relationship, I know what I must have put him through.
At least he's in another state 90% of the time, and I know when he's not.
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