Dear....

[the_std]

Dear Rain,

I love you. Dearly. I wish I lived in Vancouver, where every day is a wet paradise! But goddamn... I was all ready to take my block printing stuff and my laptop out on to the deck, to work outside for the very first time this year, and you show up.

I was happy that you made it smell nice outside, I was content that you made the sky look so pretty... But why? Why at that specific time? The first rain of spring, and you had to shoo me away from my warm day of art-making on the deck!

I still love you, but please... Can't we just play nice?

Sigh,
Me

[gunsage]

Just a bit of disclaimer...this is likely to be a long one, but I've been needing to get it off my chest for a while. Feel free to skip over it if you like.

Dear "K" AKA The Source Of All Evil,

You know, if we had met in a dark alley years ago, I can't with good conscience say that you wouldn't live crippled now, assuming you don't already by someone else's hand to shut that big mouth of yours. Sure, at the time, you probably thought it was good fun to put fuel on the fire that only recently had been doused by MY efforts alone, seeing as you never apologized, by saying various things about my family, relationships, lifestyle, and much more in a very derogatory, obviously instigating manner.

I'm sure you did, in fact. That is, until I almost plunged a pair of scissors into your throat. A lot of things happened that day. A lot of things I'm ashamed of. A lot of things that, I hope anyway, you still sweat thinking about today. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Unfortunately, that one incident almost got me thrown out of college. But then, I think back and wonder if that's exactly what you had intended.

Those weren't my scissors...nor were they my roommate's. You were also right in the doorway; my only exit. I'm not saying what I did was right and I certainly can't justify it, but I'm sure the courts would've had a heyday assuming it had come to that. And that "fire" I doused? Yeah, on the recommendation of your girlfriend and the "anti-recommendation," if you will, of the RAs, I decided to put a stop to our little "feud."

A lot of things changed after that day. For one, though I was allowed to stay in college, I was forced over to a much more ghetto-y area on the east side. I was positioned with three roommates who were black (important), picked on me because I was white, stole stuff from me, had illegal firearms, were dealing marijuana, whose friends were equally assholes toward me...I think you get the picture.

Fortunately, this did not affect my view of black people. Unfortunately, that's not the end of my tale. I got hit by a car while walking, robbed at gunpoint at work, threatened on a regular basis either because of my skin color or because of where I was working, and it really never got all that much better until I finally moved in with my girlfriend (now wife).

Ah, but here's the good part. Because of what happened, I had one year's worth of mandatory anger management counseling with an awesome counselor. I feel a lot more well adjusted and I'm a lot more outgoing. I do better in high pressure situations and I deal with the public better. It didn't hurt that I worked security for about 5 years which has made me virtually fearless when it comes to arguments, physical confrontations, and high pressure in general.

Nevermind that, where I was located, I had to rely on people to get to and from. Even though I was moved to a crappier living situation, transportation got better because I was right on the bus line. Sure, COTA isn't very reliable, but it was better than nothing. I could go to Easton whenever I wanted (and did), I ate on the go, and I maintained an excellent 175 lbs with rock solid legs and excellent endurance...especially in the bedroom.

Because of my experiences, I'm actually a lot better off now. It took a lot of ugly to get where I am now, but I'm here. And that's something you can never take from me, much as you tried initially. So in a way, I'd actually like to thank you for being an absolute asshole. I don't know or care where you ended up from this. I hope at some point someone set you straight, because if they haven't by now, you're never going to learn until it's too late.

With more thanks than you probably expected,



Gun Sage

[Becks]

Dear MOTH™,

What part of "I have a headache" did you not understand? Holy biscuit. Please stop singing.

And whistling.

However, you CAN keep that plastic bag over your head. You think I don't see it because you're sitting behind me, right? For a 29 year old, you sure are immature sometimes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear bossman,

You've been pissing me off lately.

I'm thinking of asking for a transfer.

--Me

[TruthHurts]

Dear Blog Trolls,

Stop leaving links to your shady "Spyware" sites on every darn entry I make. I am not dumb enough to risk my computer by downloading some random file on it. It doesn't how times I report the spam, I keep on getting them.

Please donate your computer to someone less fortunate who will use it for good and then seek professional help.

Signed,
Annoyed Blogger

[Kusanagi]

Dear left arm:

I know you've been through alot the last two years. Stabbed with a knife, crushed with a sofa, dislocated by a car.

Despite all that, quit your bitching.

K

[Jester]

Dear Roommates,

I cleaned the kitchen from my and your mess. And now it is wrecked again, and I only contributed a skillet and a couple plates. Please, clean the fucking disaster before we need a bulldozer.


Dear New Roommate,

Pay your fucking rent. It's already the middle of the damn month!


Dear Former Roommate,

Pay me the damn bills that you still owe me from FEBRUARY, you toad whacker!


Dear Hot Friend of Little Red,

Hi there. Yeah, over here. The funny guy you met last night? Yeah. Feel free to pay me some attention any time. I would not mind one iota. Nope, not a bit.


Dear Laziness,

Your presence on Wednesday may have cost me a chance for that job I wanted. Fucker.

Also, your omnipresence means my room is still a disaster. You need to stop this. Fucker.


Dear Jobs,

Thanks for Friday and Sunday off. I think. Though this could be dangerous.


Dear Jury Summons,

Piss off!


Dear Hangover,

Get the fuck out of my head! Yes, yes, I know....every time I go out with Little Red, it seems like I invite you in. Damn it, enough is enough! Go away!


Dear Little Red,

Thanks a lot........wench.


Dear Messy Room,

It seems obvious I am not cleaning you, as I have been swearing I would do for some time now. Please, feel free to reorganize yourself and save me the heartache and heartbreak of not doing it. Again.


Dear Customers,

Your timing sucks. Thanks ever so much for staying away yesterday while I was working, but coming in in droves as soon as I finished. You are so not appreciated right now. Assholes.


Dear Mood,

You're awfully perky and chipper, all things (see above) considered. What's up with that?


Jester

[MystyGlyttyr]

Dear Kusanagi,

I showed the picture of you dressed like Leon from Kingdom Hearts (from the cosplay thread) to my coworkers just to show them the gunsword thing, and now there's a newsroom full of married women getting drool on my keyboard. I'm not sure if you should be flattered or traumatized. Oops?


Mysty

[Trayol]

Dear <insert descriptive expletive> in South Tower,

Thanks for pulling the fire alarm last night/early this morning at 12:15 am. I hope you enjoyed your little prank. Oh by the way, when they find you because there are cameras near every fire alarm, it'd be best that you don't go quietly so the rest of the residents can have a good laugh as you struggle with security as they escort you off the premises since you know that you will be kicked out for this. Have fun trying to commute to class for the last 6 weeks of school.

Your neighbor in the North

PS: You better pray that staff find you first, if we residents do, then the administrators will have very little left to kick out.

[Bella_Vixen]

Dear D--

We still have feelings for each other. As always, I say it fully, you show it by doing little caring things.

That said, don't mess with my head anymore. I told you long before we started dating that I prefer to hear the brutal truth then pretty lies.

--Me

P.S. I want my system. :Þ


************************************************** ***********


Dear back--

Please stop hurting. If you cooperate, I'll give you some Jameson's.

--Me


************************************************** ************


Dear Face--

Jameson's is the best whiskey on earth. You are just more German then Irish, so of course you'll prefer that Jagermeister crap.

I still love you, though, and I will still buy you a bottle for your birthday.

Brat.

--Your favorite aunt

P.S. Your daddy is still a monkey man.


************************************************** ************

Dear mattress companies AND furniture stores--

Please make my dream bed affordable...BEFORE I buy it.

--My sore back AND bank account


************************************************** ************

Dear gas buying public--

I don't decide what the price of gasoline will be. I in no way profit from the high gas prices. I do not get any kind of discount, just because I work at a gas station. If you don't like it, don't tell me. I have no power.

--A very pissed off me


************************************************** *************

Dear cigarette buying public--

See above. Substitute "cigarettes" for "gas" and "gasoline."

--A still very pissed off me


************************************************** *************

Dear lazy coworker(s)--

The reason it takes me half a shift to stock the cooler is because I actually STOCK it. What a concept. Unlike you, I cannot leave empty slots just because only one or two cans/bottles were sold today. If everyone would actually stock everything that is needed, we wouldn't have this issue.

Get your lazy ass to work.


************************************************** **************

[Saydrah]

Dear 4/7/08- 4/11/08,

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH.

Go away! You stink! I do not need more stress!

-The Victim


Dear Work,

Some appreciation would be nice. I love you guys, but seriously, one of my posts gets more traffic than any other blog on the site EVER, and only one person outside my department notices. That wouldn't be so bad... except we TOLD the entire team in our weekly email. Grr.

-Fingers, Meet Bone


Dear Primary SO,

It is NOT my fault you want to buy poker chips instead of gas. This does NOT mean I should drive to see YOU rather than the other way around because I can afford gas. I just drove 20 miles home from work. I drove 20 miles there in the morning. You have maybe driven 40 miles ALL WEEK. Newsflash: I have money because I have a JOB. Joooooooob. J-O-B. Interesting concept, no?

Seriously, though, I know you need to focus on being your grandfather's primary caregiver for a while, and I love gramps, but your family's house is NOT a friendly environment with gramps being sick. Being over there is depressing, and we get no privacy. And, I have stuff I need to do here at the house tonight. So, you should logically come over here. I mean, you're a male in his 20s. Are you seriously choosing hanging out with your lady at your parents' house over HER house with privacy and booze in the fridge? Besides, I noticed you had time to play poker 2 nights this week, and no time to spend as a couple this week.

I love you and you are generally a wonderful person, but you are pissing me off!

-The Girlfriend


Dear Secondary SO,

You're adorable. A little TOO adorable, I think. Primary SO has paid more attention to you than me this week.

-Lonely


Dear MoSH,

YOU STUPID WOMAN.

-I Tried...


Dear SH,

Come home?

-Couch Still Free

[TruthHurts]

Dear cigarette buying public--

See above. Substitute "cigarettes" for "gas" and "gasoline."

--A still very pissed off me

Dear Cigarette Buying Public,

If you cannot afford to smoke anymore, isn't that a sign that you should quit? The cheapest smokes we have are GPC's. Same as the week before and the month before that. You hate GPC's, well tough. Cigarette's are not getting cheaper, deal with it.

Your Getting Increasingly Annoyed By That Question Cashier,
TruthHurts

[Misanthropical]

Dear stupid coworker,

I sit two rows away from you now, which I thought would be nice since I didn't think I would have to listen to the pure stupid that comes out of your mouth anymore. I was wrong. I can still hear every single stupid thing you say.

Please, learn two things. The first thing is, you do not know everything there is to know and two, learn to lower your damn voice. If I can hear you over my headset you are too fucking loud. SHUT THE HELL UP!



Dear coworker who sits next to me,

You stupid comments about where I grew up might have more of an impact if you could actually remember the state. No, moron, it's not Idaho and it's not North Dakota. You thought I was kidding when I called you a fuckwit, I wasn't. You really are.

Oh, and remember how you were much too busy to ever give me a ride to work, no matter what? I do, so when you asked me for a favor, it was real hard not to laugh in your face. That favor isn't going to ever happen, just accept it and move on.

You now realize that I'm in a position to be able to make many nice things happen, if I'm so inclinded. With you, I'm not the lest bit interested. Sorry, I'm much too busy.



Dear other coworker who couldn't be bothered to help me out,

Yeah, that was funny when you found out I could do a huge favor for you too, if I wanted to. A favor you would sell your soul for. The answer is not no, but HELL NO.

Why should I go out of my way to do favors for people who couldn't be bothered to help me when I needed it? I'm not about to do any favors for you two, so stop asking. It's not happening.



Dear friend who takes me work,

If you need anything, just ask. I will do my best to do it for you. You know I would do any favor you needed. I know you are not the type to take advantage.

Oh, and thanks for buying me a Frosty from Wendy's the other night, that was nice of you and totally unexpected.



Dear nurse at my little guy's school,

Why do you have to always be such a bitch? My little guy would rather deal with any pain or sickness he might get at school, just to avoid you.

I have talked to you myself and wondered what crawled up your ass and died.

You deal with small children, lighten up! Learn from the other nurse who comes in sometimes. She is very professional and has a wonderful personality.

Hey, I am not a people person either, which is why I don't work with people face to face. I also have little paitence with other people's children, which is why I don't work in a place that they will be. You see what I'm saying?

Upset my child for things out of his control one more time and I will show you who the biggest bitch is, mmkay?



Dear other teacher,

A teacher who knows who I am let me in to the building to check on my son. He knows me and my son and knows the only reason I would be up there is to deal with something for my son.

That teacher didn't just let a total stranger in, so mellow out. He sees me pick up my son from school every day.


Dear guy who uses our desk during the day,

The first time I met you I thought you were a total jerk. I was wrong, you are pretty cool.

[Becks]

Dear coworker L,

Hey, I'm sorry that by doing the culinary workshop on Mondays, you end up doing one or two other things that cuts into your flirting time. If you have a problem with it, take it up with...oh, I don't know...the STORE MANAGER that has me doing the cw?

Oh, and in case you didn't notice, the temperature's starting to rise. Fill the cart, please, before you leave on Saturdays.

--Chica

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Tommy Teddybear,

Please let my #1 best at work boyfriend work a better shift on Sundays. I miss talking with him.

--Your #1 fan girl
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear "Dolphin",

Maybe there's a reason that I don't have a working webcam. Ever think of that? Hmmmmmmmm? Did you?

If it's such an issue, maybe you can get me one. And send it to me. From Turkey.

Yeah...that's what I thought.

--Minik kedi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear underwires,

Stop poking me. Please. Seriously. It hurts.

I make use of you for a reason.

--Poked
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[tacohuman]

dear colon and/or small intestine,

for weeks now you've been plaguing me with random excruciating pain and other unpleasantness that need not be discussed in polite company, yet every time a medical professional examines you, you pick that moment to behave. please behave at all times, or misbehave in such a manner that a definitive diagnosis can be made as to what's wrong with you so that proper treatment can be given.

--sick and tired of being sick and tired

[Bella_Vixen]

Dear back--

Thanks for cooperating. Your shot of Jameson's is on the way.

Thankfully yours,

Me


************************************************** **********

Dear Kelly--

I really REALLY don't care to know about your porn collection. STOP telling me about it!!

Yeah, and don't judge me about the whole D thing, OK? You have no right to talk, what with the whole Scott thing.

Grrrrrrr.

By the way, you are so very welcome for your job and your promotion.


************************************************** **********