Yet More Roommate Fun!

[Jester]

BACKGROUND: I don't know what it is about the third bedroom in my apartment, but we can't seem to keep a tenant in there. Our last roommate moved out near the beginning of the month, but since he did not give me 30 days notice, he understands that if I don't find someone to replace him for April, he is on the hook for the rent for that month. Since he put down a deposit of one month's rent, it's not like he can just tell me to fuck off, either. And he did agree that I was correct in this, mind you. There is no bad blood, either...we are both cool with each other, and he left the room looking great, so despite one friend's suggestion that I just pocket the money whether or not I find a roommate, I plan on refunding his deposit in full if/when we fill the room. Add to the fact that Mr. Anti-Social for the first time ever is a bit behind on rent, and you can understand I'm a bit stressed about filling that room. (Mr. Anti-Social still owes me a few hundred from last month, but he was able to pay this month's on time, and I have told him I will work with him as far as the back rent he owes. Considering how long we have roomed together, and that this is the first time anything like this has ever happened, I have no problem with the guy.)

So you can imagine how unamusing it is to deal with so many idiots.

At first, I had a couple of friends interested in the place, both reliable, both known to me for years. One opted out (still hasn't told me why, despite the fact that she hates her current living situaiton), and one was forced to opt out when he suddenly and unexpectedly got full custody of his teenage son, so obviously needed more space than just the one room. So to craigslist I went.

Now, to be fair, there have been two good candidates. One was a friend of a coworker, who said coworker described as "awesome" and who, in my one meeting with her, seemed to live up to that description. Sadly, she found another place that she took. The other is a respondent from craigslist who seems to be on the same page with a lot of things as myself and Mr. Anti-Social, and who didn't balk at the rent or have a problem with anything I said. Her references checked out well, and now it's just a matter of when she gets down here; she should be here tonight or tomorrow sometime.

Now on to the idjits:

Guy called as a coworker had told him about the place. He left a message. I called him back later that day after I got off work, got his voice mail, left him a message. Haven't heard back from him at all. Or from another girl who responded to the craigslist ad who I called back and left a message for. Okaaaay....

Guy called. Wanted to rent the place for only 2-3 weeks, but was willing to pay for a full month. While I appreciate his willingness to pay for the full month, as I told him, we are looking for someone who is planning on being a little more long term.

Girl called. When we started discussing the numbers, and I mentioned that she'd have to pay rent plus utilities (and our rent is not excessively high for this town, mind you), she said snippily, "Well I can't afford that kind of thing." Well, good to know that up front. I'll be sure not to rent to your broke ass. No need to get snippy, though. Good lord, I can only imagine her response if I had actually mentioned the deposit.

Guy called. Started rattling off stuff about himself, including the fact that he "has money in hand," which apparently makes him somehow better than other applicants. Look pal, I don't work on credit, so anyone who moves in is going to have to have money on hand. Hello? Ah, but it gets better. When I mentioned the deposit, he asked if it were negotiable. As I am not completely without sympathy for how difficult it can be to have rent PLUS deposit (basically double rent) available for a move in, I ask him what he means by "negotiable." He suggests that he pay one third of it every two months. That's right, this guy with "cash on hand" want to take six months to pay off a deposit. Let me think about tha--NO. "I'm sorry, but the deposit really isn't negotiable. I'd be willing to work with you and take the deposit over the first month, but beyond that, due to problems I've had in the past, I'm afraid we are very firm on that point." At which he balked. Why? Because, in addition to telling me about all these problems he's had with roommates, he tells me that a prior roommate had taken his deposit and never given it back, basically screwing him over. Well, that's great, pal, but I have already said the deposit is fully refundable upon your departure from the apartment. I even told him that I'd be more than happy to provide the numbers of former roommates, and he could call them and ask them if they'd gotten back their full deposit. (They had.) At which points, he hastily says, "Well, if I happen to suddenly get $[rent+deposit] in hand, I'll call you back. Wait.....didn't you say you had "cash in hand"? Douchebag.

God, I hope the girl driving down works out. I am so sick of this shit, even if if is vaguely amusing at times.

[MoonCat]

You have my sympathy. I've heard some awful stories from customers placing ads for apartments they want to rent out.

[Sapphire Silk]

My sympathies, Jester.

I've had such nightmarish experiences with roommates, I've chosen to live alone even though renting out the third bedroom of my house would really help me out financially.

I get too many smokers who promise to smoke outside if I'll just overlook the "no smokers" in my ad, and the pet owners who want me to make an exception for their pet (I've had my fill of taking care of other people's pets, getting attached, and having to see them go/leave them behind) because "he's really friendly/small/well behaved" ad nauseum.

Then there was the asshat who ran up $900 in phone sex charges right before he moved out, and gave me all kinds of hell when I tried to collect it (got most of it, but not all).

Good luck. I think you will need it.

[Jester]

GOOD NEWS! The girl I talked highly of in my OP got to town this afternoon, and we sat down and talked, and it was pretty much a done deal. She's nuts, loud, obnoxious, and opinionated....basically a Jester with tits. We had hit it off immediately on the phone, and more so when she got here. She already gave me rent (in cash), and will have the deposit within the month (she's waiting on a monthly payment she gets). She and I went out to dinner, then K-Mart to pick up some supplies, then hit the bar for a few....she's a riot. We get along well.

For the future, in here, she shall be dubbed Orchard. Don't ask. Like I ever explain the names I assign people.

I get too many smokers who promise to smoke outside if I'll just overlook the "no smokers" in my ad...

To be fair, every smoker I've ever gotten in here has, in fact, smoked outside and been really good about it. The exception was Deadbeat, who smoked dope in his room and did the really brilliant trick of stuffing a towel under his door so we wouldn't smell it. Now what's funny is we had told him we didn't care if he smoked pot, so long as he didn't do it at the apartment, as we didn't want to deal with cops. Yeah, he's an idiot.

and the pet owners who want me to make an exception for their pet...

Got an email from just such a person, who basically (politely) denigrated me for our "no pets" policy, saying how wonderful their pet was. As I told them, while I was not anti-pet per se, my roommate was, and I had to respect his wishes. I wished them well...but seriously, if a place says "no pets," perhaps there's a fucking REASON for it, eh?

Then there was the asshat who ran up $900 in phone sex charges right before he moved out, and gave me all kinds of hell when I tried to collect it (got most of it, but not all).

Deadbeat, while behind on rent and promising me he would at least make that month's rent, ordered pay-per-view movies on cable while I was out of town, and didn't make that month's rent.

Yeah, that was the final straw. I tossed his ass. And while it took me a year, I did collect on every penny he owed me, and then some for damages.