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I am Jester. Hear me whimper.

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  • I am Jester. Hear me whimper.

    Today I competed in a sprint biathlon. Well, "competed" might be stretching it a bit. "Participated" is probably a better word.

    Quick background: A triathlon, as most of you know, is a combination swim/bike/run. A sprint triathlon is the same thing, only with shorter distances. Today in Key West there was a sprint triathlon. (0.6 km swim (a bit over a third of a mile), 16 km bike (10 miles), and 5 km run (3.1 miles).)

    A friend of mine has been trying to get me to do this--and I've been saying I would do it--for some time. Well, this time I did it, finally. Well, not the whole triathlon. As I tell people, I swim just well enough to not drown. For a while I was trying to get a relay team together, with me on the bike, and 2 others doing the swim and run portions. But for this, I merely did the biathlon of biking and running.

    My bike portion was bad, but since I have not trained at all, have not even been on my bike in months, and am really not in great shape, it wasn't that much worse than I thought it would be. Bad, yes. But not surprising. However, the run was truly pathetic. Since it wasn't really a run, but a jog, walk, jog, walk, jog, walk kind of thing. At one point I believe an old lady with a walker passed me laughing.

    For the first time since my 40th birthday, I truly felt 40. My times were sad, I was totally gassed, and this whole thing was a wake up call to me--a bitch slap in the face from life reminding me how out of shape I truly am. Some people would see these pathetic times I posted and hide from them. Not me. I am using these times as motivation. I am embracing them with a grimace, hugging them to myself to remind myself of this day's disaster. I am determined that this failure will motivate me to get my ass back in gear, back in the gym, back on the bike, and back in shape.

    My times? 28:09 on the bike. I was happy that I did it in under 30 minutes. Well, "happy" in the sense that over 30 minutes would have been, to me, truly pathetic. My total time for the biathlon was 1:13:03. For those of us too lazy to do the math in our heads, that's a run time of 44:54. The last time I ran a 5k (many years ago), I posted a 28:30.

    And there are many excuses that could be offered.

    "You ran a 5k after you rode 10 miles!" I don't care.
    "At least you did it." Badly. So I don't care.
    "You didn't train for it." True. And I don't care.
    "You're 40." Also true. And I still don't care.
    "That old lady with the walker was pretty fast." Fuck off, smartass.
    "You're not a runner." I don't care.
    "You haven't been on your bike in months." I don't care.
    "Most of those other people ahead of you do this all the time." I don't care.

    I. Don't. Care.

    Today was a wakeup call. A call to arms, as it were. I am madder than a hornet at myself for letting myself get to this point, and I will not let this happen again.

    28:09.
    44:54.
    1:13:09.


    These are numbers I am going to post very prominently somewhere in my room, to constantly remind myself of this completely lameass pathetic sorry piece of shit "athletic" endeavor of mine.

    There is another spring tri in September.

    And the only thing that won't change drastically is the fact that I still won't be swimming. But I am going to crush these times. Destroy them. Annihilate them. Eradicate them from the planet. Hunt them down and kill them and all their family members with extreme prejudice.

    I am PISSED!!!!

    "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
    Still A Customer."


  • #2
    I am so right there with you, sugar. I waffle between "I'm pushing fifty and a mom, fuck you." and "Oh my Lord, look at that freaking muffin top! I am disgusting!"

    See, I'm only disgusting if it's me doing the observation. If I imagine someone else thinking that, I get all defensive.

    I got to get this shit under control. My kid is too young for me to be this out of shape. I'm gonna need some stanima when she hit puberty, or else she's gonna run all over me.

    Comment


    • #3
      Kink, sounds like you and I need to kick it into high gear and get back into shape, so we can start turning heads and causing commotion again.

      And so we can stop looking in the mirror and being disappointed, angry, or upset at what we see.

      My midsection is expanding in ways that it never should. I will NOT allow myself to become the human pear my father was when he was in his forties.

      Fuck. No.

      I don't care about the other competitors, I am competing with one person next time around, and that is me. And I am going to kick my own ass so hard I'm gonna feel it a week later.

      Who wants to come along for the ride?

      "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
      Still A Customer."

      Comment


      • #4
        Me. I am so in.

        I used to work out all the time. Now I just either do housework and lay on the couch.

        Housework is a lot of physical energy, but it clearly does not get you into shape.

        I used to be an ANIMAL. Now, I guess I'm more like a vegetable. You know which one. For the first time in my life, I don't have definition in my thighs. Not cool.

        This getting old thing sucks, and I used to think I'd be willing to do so gracefully, but you're right. FUCK THAT.

        Today. Back on the straight and narrow. Hardcore Atkins today. The weights come out of the closet.

        You, me. Pact. (picture Kink holding out her pinky)

        Comment


        • #5
          I'm in. Got told by my new guy that while he's visiting me he still has to work out to stay in shape for base. And he's going to be pushing me too. I'm so out of shape right now and I know while he's here he's going to be pulling and pushing me along with him till I can start keeping up.

          Comment


          • #6
            I used to dance six days a week and four of those days I had rehearsals in addition to regular classes. Papa Jedi also use to take us hiking all the time. And I mean hardcore five-miles-straight-up hiking. I was never much for distance running, but I was in shape. Let's just say that is no longer the case. I quit dancing three, almost 4 years ago.

            A couple of my girlfriends roped me into training with them to walk a mini marathon. Now, I'm not getting in the mess of the actual race, but I figured what the hey, I can at least train with them. We're up to six miles and my body felt like it had been run over by a truck. Several times. And I'm 23. I need to gear up and get my Weblos geared up too. They have to do a 5-mile hike for one of their badges and I'll be darned if they outlast me.
            I am no longer of capable of the emotion you humans call “compassion”. Though I can feign it in exchange for an hourly wage. (Gravekeeper)

            Comment


            • #7
              You go, Jester! I am so in.

              Last November, I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror, and said to myself, "I can't do this anymore."

              I bought an elliptical and got back into Tae Kwon Do.

              Since the first of the year, I've lost 18 pounds and 3 1/2 inches off my waist. My BMI has dropped from 32.9 to 30.4.

              I test for Yellow Belt on Thursday.

              The past couple of weeks, my weight loss has slowed down, though. Only lost 1 pound in the past two weeks. I'm starting to plateau.

              Not good enough, Panacea. Time to kick it up a notch!

              Weather's getting good. Time to get out the bike, and hit the dojang an extra day a week.

              Ya gotta have a plan. Failing to plan is planning to fail. Start off slow, and work your way up as you adjust. I started with the elliptical 15 minutes 3x/week. Now I can do 30 minutes. I started with the dojang 2x/week. Now I'm at 3x/week and trying to make it four.

              I also adjusted my diet. I've almost completely cut out sodas, and increased water. I cut back on portion sizes. I'm trying to include more fresh vegetables and fruits (this is the really hard part since I loathe vegetables.

              You can do it, guys! I'm cheering for you
              They say that God only gives us what we can handle. Apparently, God thinks I'm a bad ass.

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Jester View Post
                I am PISSED!!!!
                Well, you did say we wouldn't like you when you were angry.




                Da da daaaaaaa Duuuuuuuunnnnn!

                Comment


                • #9
                  If you want brutal, get a physiotherapist's help. Not a fitness instructor, but an actual physiotherapist.

                  That said... good for you.
                  Seshat's self-help guide:
                  1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                  2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                  3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                  4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                  "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Go for it Jester!

                    You have year-round warm weather in Key West no? So no excuses. I'd love to be able to run all year round, and not just spring-summer.

                    Then again maybe I'm making excuses here. I've seen people run in icy cold weather, properly dressed.
                    Happiness is the exercise of vital powers along lines of excellence in a life affording you scope.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Panacea View Post
                      I'm trying to include more fresh vegetables and fruits (this is the really hard part since I loathe vegetables.
                      Same here. Well, it's not that I particualrly loathe veggies as there are some I like (carrots, sweet peppers, tomatoes), but fresh produce is expensive. Especially out of season. My aunt got me this book Deceptively Delicious which uses veggie purees in foods. The purees freeze well, so you can stock up when there's a sale or your garden goes bonkers. One of my particular favorites is the Aloha Chicken Kebobs (or strips if you don't want to do kebobs). We also like the mac & cheese with butternut squash.

                      I want her new book, Double Delicious so bad. I flipped through it at a bookstore and the new recipies look nummy.
                      I am no longer of capable of the emotion you humans call “compassion”. Though I can feign it in exchange for an hourly wage. (Gravekeeper)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I actually have a lot of underweight problems, but my step-father is diabetic, so I know a bunch of random crap about nutrition and healthy eating.

                        START RANDOM FACT LIST

                        Drinking nothing but water caused an average of 8 pounds of weight loss in a few weeks. (I'm betting tossing in some flavoring like lemon juice wouldn't hurt )

                        Celery is technically 'negative calorie' because your body needs more energy to consume it than you get from it. Smother it in peanut butter and raisins like you did as a kid if you hate it

                        If you tend not to like darker green vegetables such as broccoli, there is a genetic mutation that causes you to be able to taste an extremely bitter chemical in it that the normal population can't. Vague solution? Whip egg whites, add panko breadcrumbs. Cover Broccoli, bake in oven at 350 until golden brown. Grease pan well, or else have a swanky new breaded broccoli tray.

                        Also: Broccoli looses about 90% of it's antioxidants when microwaved? Why? I have no idea, God must hate Broccoli too. (I know this from the TV show, Good Eats. The antioxidant part, not the God thing.)

                        END RANDOM FACT LIST
                        "Did you at least ascertain the nature of his curse so that I may know the monstrosity that I face? ... A GIRL? He was... Turned into a girl? WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT?" -EGS http://egscomics.com

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I'm in after I have this baby in two or so weeks. I just moved all my "after-baby must get back in shape for" clothes back into my drawers so I will be motivated to get rid of the baby weight ASAP. Luckily I haven't really gained that much weight!
                          We ask ourselves when we get in a fix, what would Popeye do in a tight spot like this? He'd race for his true love and easily win it, in an old spinach can with a mast stuck in it. -Jimmy Buffett

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth Panacea View Post
                            The past couple of weeks, my weight loss has slowed down, though. Only lost 1 pound in the past two weeks. I'm starting to plateau.

                            Not good enough, Panacea. Time to kick it up a notch!
                            Beware, pushing yourself too hard once you're in a good routine can cause you to fall out entirely. Happened to me a couple of times. I recommend you NOT try to get out of that good rut, but stick with it and enjoy yourself. After a couple of months you may find your weight falling again or changes in your muscle tone. In another six months, if you're really not happy with your progress, that's when you should consider changing your routine.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth Jester View Post
                              My bike portion was bad, but since I have not trained at all, have not even been on my bike in months, and am really not in great shape, it wasn't that much worse than I thought it would be.
                              just got done reading an article on participating in sporting events-this is NOT an excuse to use. Sorry but it's not.

                              Outside magazine is running a 4 part series on overcoming fitness obstacles-first part is here

                              Quoth outside magazine
                              CUT THE EXCUSES
                              Think like a winner. Some athletes invent pretexts for why they can't succeed even before they hit the starting line. "It's a self-protective mechanism," explains Williamson. "If you go to a race focusing on your lack of training, you've created a justification in case you don't do well."

                              DO IT: The moment you start telling your buddy how little you've been training lately, stop yourself. Even if your conditioning isn't perfect, fixating on it will only make things worse.
                              It has some great tips for mental conditioning, which is EVERY BIT as important as physical conditioning. I firmly believe my failure to complete my 150 mile charity ride last year was somewhat due to this. Yes I made 74 miles, with a damn migraine, but I collapsed a damn mile from the day's endpoint, after 74 miles, I couldn't push that last damn mile, heck I can walk a damn mile in under 10 minutes, but I couldn't bike it?
                              Honestly.... the image of that in my head made me go "AWESOME!"..... and then I remembered I am terribly strange.-Red dazes

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