"Oh Lawdy!"

[KhirasHY]

I...I just...I can't...

Well that escalated quickly.

Had one of those weird "what the hell" situations...two friends coming to get a room as walk-ins at about 1am, obviously drunk. I'm going through all the usual stuff, when one of them mentions something that apparently was wrong:

Drunk Guy: "Yeah, we need 2 beds...I don't wanna sleep with him."

Drunk Guy #2 responds with all the logic one can: by rearing back, and decking his buddy in the side of the head as hard as he can. I didn't even have the proper shock that I should have...I just reached for the phone and dialed the local police department, then stood back in case any guests walked in and needed to be kept safe. Two minutes later, they're both in cuffs and going to stay at a Colorado "Special" Hotel, now with rooms that have bars in them! Not mini-bars, but hey...

It is probably a sign that my soul is reaching critical mass in terms of death and disappointment, the whole time I just couldn't do more than shake my head and laugh as these two ineptly beat the shit out of one another. That said, it's not like I wanted to get punched, so better them than me!



But I know they stole it!

SC: I wanted to know if anyone turned in a black wallet?
Me: Alright...did you lose it tonight?
SC: This morning actually.
Me: Ok, where did you last have it?
SC: Well, it was...I don't want to say they stole it, but I left it on a table in my room.
Me: (No, you didn't.) Alright. Well I can't do anything with that sort of thing tonight, I can have a manager follow up with you in the morning.
SC: My friend's keys are missing too.
Me: (Sigh) Alright, have you checked all the drawers, and emptied out all the bags and such in the room to double check and make sure they're not there?
SC: Uhhhh...yeah?
Me: (Bullshit) Well, I'd take a second look there. Our manager won't be in until early, and our housekeepers are gone for the day, so we'll need to wait for them to get in this morning to follow up, alright?
SC: Uhh...ok.

10:1 odds they find their "stolen" items before the morning. 100:1 odds against them actually admitting they found it so they don't sound like idiots.

I really don't get how people don't do the math. The SC calling is a teenager...probably 16-18 at the oldest. His wallet may have, at best, $20-50 in it, if that much? For our housekeepers, that's potentially less than two hours of work in their pocket if they were to actually steal something like that. Work that they must continue to do to have things like rent, food, and doctor money. Most of these same housekeepers have kids to feed, and so on. So, let's check here, is a tiny amount of cash from some random wallet worth losing out on thousands of dollars a year from a steady paycheck? Gee, hmm...



Yeah, enjoy finding your keys and wallet later. Bonus points if one of your other roommates (there are 4 teen boys in this room) actually intentionally stole them, and gets caught. Asses.

Oh Lord? OH GOD NO!!!

I'm checking someone in when a woman...er...well, I don't know. Quite large. Anyway.



As she passes by, and I check someone else in, I hear something slightly skin to a cross between tearing off wet strips of duct tape, and throwing a live cat into a running blender. The sound was long, awful, and it echoed through the lobby for a few seconds after it hit. I'm pretty sure it hit the resonance frequency of the room, and shook us to our very bones. She farted a fart which could start a war between two peaceful nations. She then followed it up with...

Farting Lady: "Ooooh ho ho ho! Oh Lawdy!!!"

She then unfortunated (yes, that's now a verb) her way into the elevator and surrounded (and filled) it completely. Leaving me and the other guest in the lobby. Alone. Stunned.

Doomed.



I can't describe the smell that wafted over to the desk, because I'm pretty sure it constitutes felonious assault and attempted murder, and not a smell. Picture every bad thing you've ever done in life. Then take your friends, your parents, your neighbors, and every random person you've ever met in life, and picture every bad, weird, awful, and terrible things they've done. Maybe your next door neighbor punched kittens for profit a few years back. Maybe your best friends mother is a star of weird, creepy Japanese porn films. Figure out some special, random things that you're making up to include in the pile of horrible you're fashioning in your mind, then convert all of those things to a meal, feed it to this creature three times per day for about six years, then have it all convulse together into aroma form to be weaponized not only at potential enemies, but also random passersby as a weird sort of dominance training.

That was what this was. I hallucinated. I'm pretty sure I saw Jesus holding a sign telling me to kill myself before it was too late.



But it was already too late...for both of us...

Edit: But there's a late entry as a saving grace...an employee from another property in another state checked in with his BF just now...and he is hooooooooooooooooot. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT. Improved my night immediately

[prjkt]

oh wow, having had a dog with gum problems and quite potent breath and even more noxious emissions, I can imagine that last scenario....

[emax4]

I love how the photographs add emphasis to the rest of the story.

[dalesys]

Drunk Guy #2 responds with all the logic one can of two dozen cans: by rearing back, and decking his buddy in the side of the head as hard as he can.

Fixed that for you.

[Mr Hero]

I'm pretty sure the woman in the last story violated the Geneva Convention.

[camjuniper]

The unfortunate farting incident is indeed unfortunate.

[Jester]

I really don't get how people don't do the math. The SC calling is a teenager...probably 16-18 at the oldest. His wallet may have, at best, $20-50 in it, if that much? For our housekeepers, that's potentially less than two hours of work in their pocket if they were to actually steal something like that. Work that they must continue to do to have things like rent, food, and doctor money. Most of these same housekeepers have kids to feed, and so on. So, let's check here, is a tiny amount of cash from some random wallet worth losing out on thousands of dollars a year from a steady paycheck?

It may seem illogical, but there are thieves who do just that. I have worked in multiple restaurants where, at various times, it became obvious that someone on staff was stealing from other staffers. Purses, wallets, money, etc would go missing from lockers, backpacks, etc, in areas only accessible to employees. Eventually, the thief would be found out, and it was almost always "not someone you'd expect," as we always said. Naturally they'd be fired and usually charges would be brought against them. So they'd be out of a job, their main source of income, as well as facing legal issues, all for the same of, at best, a few hundred dollars here and there.

I am not saying that you were wrong about the teenagers, or that the housekeepers were thieves. I am just saying that, however the math may not add up, it will not stop thieves from stealing.

[LillFilly]

At my hotel a woman, very snobby, claimed that housekeeping stole her wallet from her room. She claimed a man in a green shirt from housekeeping was walking down the hallway when she left her room. However, all the staff was female and the uniform was a striped shirt. Logs from her room lock also showed that her key card was the only one used the entire stay. I went with her to the room for a report and asked if she looked everywhere. She said she had (I didn't really have authority to check her room while she was still a guest, so had to take her word). We did the report, called the police, and they talked with her.

She checked out in the morning and what did housekeeping find? Her wallet. We let the police know and the hotel mailed it back to her. We called her to let her know and just got a 'harumph!' and her address. No thank you, no sorry for calling your employees thieves, nothing!

[wagegoth]

It may seem illogical, but there are thieves who do just that. I have worked in multiple restaurants where, at various times, it became obvious that someone on staff was stealing from other staffers. Purses, wallets, money, etc would go missing from lockers, backpacks, etc, in areas only accessible to employees. Eventually, the thief would be found out, and it was almost always "not someone you'd expect," as we always said. Naturally they'd be fired and usually charges would be brought against them. So they'd be out of a job, their main source of income, as well as facing legal issues, all for the same of, at best, a few hundred dollars here and there.

I am not saying that you were wrong about the teenagers, or that the housekeepers were thieves. I am just saying that, however the math may not add up, it will not stop thieves from stealing.

There was a long time employee when I worked at an upscale department store who had been stealing, apparently, for years who was finally caught when they installed cameras over the cash registers. There was so much money going through that store that while it may have led to imbalances, one person stealing a hundred here and there hadn't been worth the cost to try to figure out who it was. But some recalcitrant professional thieves and scammers were costing the store enough to install the cameras. (One of them accused me of stealing her AmEx. Yeah, they were that evil.) The employee was busted after stealing $400 in one shift.

The store had a policy of letting thieves steal enough to take the crime up to felony theft so that the odds of seeing the thieves again after their arrest was much less likely.

[KhirasHY]

It may seem illogical, but there are thieves who do just that. I have worked in multiple restaurants where, at various times, it became obvious that someone on staff was stealing from other staffers. Purses, wallets, money, etc would go missing from lockers, backpacks, etc, in areas only accessible to employees. Eventually, the thief would be found out, and it was almost always "not someone you'd expect," as we always said. Naturally they'd be fired and usually charges would be brought against them. So they'd be out of a job, their main source of income, as well as facing legal issues, all for the same of, at best, a few hundred dollars here and there.

I am not saying that you were wrong about the teenagers, or that the housekeepers were thieves. I am just saying that, however the math may not add up, it will not stop thieves from stealing.

While I won't argue that (had a klepto guest this week who qualified for your description, but I can't talk about them yet), the housekeeper in question has been here longer than I have. It'd be one of those things where I bet you would notice something by now, if that had been the case. That said, our GM came in this morning, talked to them...and suddenly, the story changed. They didn't really empty out every bag, nor had they checked the bus...and lo and behold, magically, the keys and wallet reappeared!

I just get angry since people lurve to accuse Housekeepers of being these epic criminal masterminds, yet when they are proven wrong (either by finding the item themselves, or by us finding it by searching in an obvious place), 99% of them offer zero apologies. Most of the time, these people won't even call back to the hotel to admit they found their property, out of some embarrassment, or maybe just because they're assholes. Because of that, whenever I hear someone make the accusation, I never take their word for it. Some day, maybe I'll be wrong, but I've heard hundreds of accusations, and never once has it been true.

[Monterey Jack]

Last year at work, I had my allergy pills(!) stolen out of my coat pocket while it was hanging in the break room. When another employee complained that she was missing some money from her coat, my managers knew some other employee was stealing. A few days later, they had found the culprit and she was forced to buy a new bottle of pills for me before she was fired. Swiping money, I can sort of understand, but allergy pills? Can you even get high off of those?

[otakuneko]

Swiping money, I can sort of understand, but allergy pills? Can you even get high off of those?

Maybe they thought they were pseudoephedrine.

[Ironclad Alibi]

She farted a fart which could start a war between two peaceful nations.

I am reminded of this scene from Down Periscope.

[Jester]

Oh KhirasHY, I wasn't saying your housekeepers were thieves, or that housekeepers in general are thieves. Just that the "it doesn't add up" logic to why people wouldn't be thieves doesn't really hold for people who are thieves.

I hope that makes as much sense typed out as it did in my head, though I'm not completely convinced of it.....

[infinitemonkies]

I worked at a pizza hut about 10 years ago, and there were lockers in the employee bathroom, but not nearly enough for all employees. Stuff would go missing occasionally, usually cheap crap that people didn't care enough about to make a formal complaint, like (non-designer) sunglasses. Most expensive thing that I know of to get stolen was a discman, worth about 50 bucks new.
Turns out the thief was the owner of the franchise, a millionaire, who collected Cadillacs as a hobby, and once bought a brand new rolex on a whim, because the band on his previous one 'felt loose.'