Can't. Can't. Can't. (long and whiny, sorry)

[MoonCat]

Sooo on top of being unemployed for the first time in 40 years, and my mind/body taking it out on me with all kinds of stress-related shit like migraines and panic attacks....I learned a couple months ago that my elderly aunt was being taken advantage of by her home health aides.

They were starting to take money from her. One bitch tried to cash a check for over $200 to pay her OWN cell phone bill (my aunt only has a landline). Luckily the bank teller was alert, called the cops, who got Senior Services to look in on auntie. They decided to take her to a local hospital/nursing home, where she's been since.

She is doing well there but she wants to go home. I can't blame her as it's her home - it's paid for, her stuff is there, she's comfortable, etc. I have to meet with the social worker tomorrow (4/3) to discuss how to accomplish this, and I Have. No. Clue.

There are services for seniors that may help, but I'll be brutally honest. I can't deal with any more stress. Finding aides, determining if they're honest and trustworthy, even just getting to her house (takes 3 buses to get me there) is difficult, and this is on top of trying to find a new job (no luck so far).

She definitely can't move in with me. No room, wheelchair can't fit through doorways. And she wouldn't anyway. She wants the house she paid for.

I think the social worker said once that the dept of senior services or whatever they're called can handle a lot of this (or most of it? can't recall). Am I a complete selfish bitch if I cave and let them do so? I want her to be safe, but I just don't have the resources, physical, financial, emotional or mental, to make all the decisions. I can't even fix what's wrong in my OWN life.

But I'm torn. She's my oldest living relative, my dad's youngest sister. She's a tough old bird, still sharper mentally than she seems at almost 90, but she's been in a wheelchair for over 30 years from a brain tumor/stroke combo, and can't do certain things for herself. I feel like the world's biggest shit-heel if I don't get more involved.

Suggestions? Ideas? Prayers? I know I should have posted earlier in the day, I won't have time to check this before meeting with the social worker.

TL;DR: My 89 yr old aunt needs help with aides & etc, but I am too physically & mentally stressed to do much. I don't know how to proceed.

[greek_jester]

You mentioned that she can't move in with you; does she have enough room for you to move in with her, and would you both be willing for you to do so? That way you would only have to worry about someone coming in for a few hours to do her lunch, or whatever it is she needs to do once you have found work. You would be right there in case of an emergency, and she would have company and someone trustworthy to handle meals etc. in the evening (or at least someone to keep an eye on the home help if she needs more help than you're able to provide).

I admit I don't know what your home situation is, so if you have a partner/kids that would make this impossible, then sorry for not being more helpful. Actually, if you do have a partner, could they help with the decision-making at all to help take some of the pressure off?

[taxguykarl]

So how did it go with the social worker?

[Tama]

I know some states allow paying a relative to care for an elderly person, but I don't know if that's a thing where she lives. That could be a thing, and would fix both these issues, but given your stress levels...

[MoonCat]

Well, the visit worked out better than I hoped for. The social worker is a young, bright, energetic, very personable woman with a can-do/will-do attitude, so I feel like auntie's case is being given real care and concern. We discussed the possibilities for aides and some other stuff, and the two of us will be talking further to get things coordinated. I feel so much better knowing somebody like this is working with us.

Unfortunately, no, I would not be able to move in with her. First, there is no internet at her house - she doesn't even have cable. I need my computer to job search, deal with my medical issues, and to keep my sanity. My aunt is a fussy, strong-willed woman, and while I do love her, I would lose my mind (further) if I was there all day. Plus, while it's a nice neighborhood, it takes at least 2 buses to get anywhere, sometimes 3, which makes doing anything or going anywhere problematic.

My youngest sis might be able to help with arrangements, but it would probably entail taking a day off here and there, so I'll have to check with her. The middle sis has some health issues, too, but she and I are going out to my aunt's house in the next couple of days to check up on things, and we'll go from there.

Suddenly the gap in our ages doesn't seem so wide. *sigh*

[Pixelated]

I'm glad to hear things went well with the social worker! And no, you are NOT being selfish by not taking all this on your own head, especially not right now. It sounds as though you do plan to keep in touch with the social services (and your auntie) so you will have an ear to the ground in case the social services need family input on anything.

Not everybody is mentally and/or physically set up to do the intensive work involved in caring for an elderly relative. I would have had no clue whatever in how to pick helpers for my mother. Luckily I had two siblings who had a better idea of what to look for and what to ask, so ... they got the job.

And not to sound selfish, but I would have gone nuts trying to live with her ... especially worrying about her nonstop smoking, because her mobility was becoming increasingly limited, as were her mental faculties, and it was quite possible that if she dropped a lit cigarette onto the carpet, she would (1) not have been able to get out of the house, and (2) not even have realized there was anything to run from.

Don't know if you've already done this, but you might want to send a warm letter of appreciation to the teller and the bank manager.

And I hope you find work soon. I've just discovered I'm going to be unemployed inside of two weeks ... so I can definitely sympathize with your job situation.