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  • Advice regarding mom (Long)

    I am having a major dilemma regarding my mom, and I don't know who here is wrong.

    Background: My dad passed away 2 years ago and left the house to me and my mom. It wasn't a surprise passing, since Dad was suffering from complications from cancer, and basically was bed ridden for the 6 months before his passing. I hated my job and wanted to spend the last moments with dad, so I quit my job a year before his passing. So between his health and no income, we drained the pool rather quick.

    Fast forward to present day: I am married with a 2 month old boy. We plan to have a 2nd child, but we need a bigger place. We are living at home with mom because I have been shouldering the property tax for the house and all the bills since dad passed. I currently only make enough to cover everything with barely anything for savings. My wife covers the rest. Mom is on disability with no financial ability.

    The problem: Mom won't let me sell the house. She don't want me to move out to either buy or rent a place of our own. She won't let me make changes to the house. In addition, she has been telling everyone and anyone with a listening ear about how she suffers for the family, spending her own money to buy stuff for the family, and how her son don't pay attention to her, and how my in-laws and wife is plotting to take over our house.

    I'll be honest, if this was not my mom, I would've kicked that ass so hard they would land in Pluto. The house got shoved into my hands with barely any ability to maintain it, thank god the mortgage was paid off. All the income for up keep comes from me. I work 6 days a week and my wife works 5. I have a 2 month old son that I need to help take care of and a wife recovering from child birth. My MIL is the one taking care of the baby and staying up all night caring for him so me and my wife can sleep and go to work. Meanwhile, my mom just have to pick up groceries and other stuff, and she has 2 credit cards that I gave her and will pay off for anything she buys relating to the household.

    We all have our roles to play, and I am trying to be the head of the household. But with mom being essentially a child, I don't know what to do.

  • #2
    You said that the house "got shoved into my hands with barely any ability to maintain it," You can let go of it any time you want and just walk away from it. Just sign a quit claim deed and it becomes your Mom's responsibility entirely. And a few years down the line, it will be seized for property taxes (you said that your Mom can't pay them). However, that is a major asset to walk away from.

    So what is the ideal situation? You obviously want to sell the house to buy something bigger. What do you do with Mom? Give her half and send her on her way? Let her buy into your house?

    Also, your Mom's "story telling" starts to sound like early stage dementia. Has she always had the "victim" complex?
    Life is too short to not eat popcorn.
    Save the Ales!
    Toys for Tots at Rooster's Cafe

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    • #3
      The first thing you need to address is the way she is spreading stories about you and your wife's family. You need to sit down with your mum and have a frank, honest conversation. You need to tell her that you don't appreciate the way she is bad-mouthing you, since you are busting your butt to keep a roof over all of your heads at the expense of spending time with your new baby and your wife. You also don't appreciate the way she is spreading rumours about your wife, who works just as hard as you to cover costs for the house, or your MIL, who is giving up her nights so that you are both able to work and earn the income that your mum is currently relying on.

      If she is willing to apologise and back down about this, give her some time to cool off, then sit her down again and point out that there is no longer room in this house for you all, particularly as you want to expand your family. Say that you feel unable to stay in the house, and that with her or without her you will be leaving. Also point out that if it is without her then she will not be able to keep up on her property taxes and will lose the house anyway, so she might as well come with you and have a say in her new home.

      If she is not willing to admit that she's in the wrong about the way she's been spreading rumours then you will need to ask yourself whether you're willing to maintain an abusive relationship (because make no mistake, it is emotional abuse) and make plans to get you and your family away from her. Given everything you already do for her, you will end up resenting her, and the strain of it could damage your relationship with your wife. After all, how do you think she feels about what your mum is saying about her and her own mum? Do you really want to raise a child or children in that atmosphere?

      At the end of the day your mum is an adult and makes her own choices. If she chooses to keep insulting your family and belittling your contributions towards keeping a roof over her head then you need to make the best decision for your family; leave.

      If there wasn't a child involved I'd say make more efforts towards working things through, but children pick up on emotions very easily. My worst memories from my childhood weren't when my dad would use me as a punching bag; they were the times when he and my mum were arguing, or the tense atmosphere waiting for him to explode. Even now, more than 3 decades later, I can still handle physical violence better than yelling.
      "It is traditional when asking for help or advice to listen to the answers you receive" - RealUnimportant

      Rev that Engine Louder, I Can't Hear How Small Your Dick Is - Jay 2K Winger

      The Darwin Awards The best site to visit to restore your faith in instant karma.

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      • #4
        She has always been the star of her own tragedy type, telling others how hard she has had it. In the past, dad has been the one to keep her in line, but now, due to grief or whatnot, her behavior has been exacerbated greatly. And I have sat her down and spoken to her, but she just claims she don't remember saying anything to anyone. And I think she has retold the stories some many times that she has even convinced herself it is all true.

        The ideal situation would be that she move back to our native home and stay there. She is not happy here and she would probably prefer to be there instead. So I told her to go back for the next 6 months or so, and then see.

        I don't want to blame her, I know she is lonely and still grieving. But this has to resolve somehow. My parents taught me to be a more honorable person and I don't want to cut her out of my life because of her behaviors like this. However I can't be selfless to her anymore, I need to be selfish for my son and wife because they only have me to rely on.

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        • #5
          Good luck. However this plays out someone is going to get emotionally hurt, so all you can really do is try to minimise the damage. I hope you all manage to do it with your relationships intact.

          I think suggesting that she goes home for a while is a fantastic idea. Feeling more at home can make a huge difference to your mental state as it's one less source of stress to worry about.

          My maternal grandmother was Greek, and she never really liked living in the UK. Once my grandfather died she went off the rails mentally (she also had some massive issues from WWII and losing most of her family to the Turkish massacres in the 1920s). Mum often said that if nan had been able to go home she might have recovered better from losing my granddad, who was the love of her life; she never even looked at another man in the 4 decades after his death, and losing him broke something that none of the other horrors she lived through managed to.
          "It is traditional when asking for help or advice to listen to the answers you receive" - RealUnimportant

          Rev that Engine Louder, I Can't Hear How Small Your Dick Is - Jay 2K Winger

          The Darwin Awards The best site to visit to restore your faith in instant karma.

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          • #6
            Depending on how it is presented, "go back for the next 6 months" could come a cross as trying to get rid of her. You'll do something devious, like steal her house, while she is gone. You may want to tart with something simple, like a two week vacation.

            While going back home may sound good, I have to ask about friends and family back there. If there is no one back there that she knows and can look in on her, it may not be such a good idea. For the last couple of years, my father complained that "all of my friends are dead. I out lived them all."

            I would suggest throwing out ideas. Move to a senior community. Move to the beach/mountains/forest/prairie. Become a snow bird. Live on a cruise ship. Some of them are crazy, but discussing them might give you both ideas of what she would like to do.
            Life is too short to not eat popcorn.
            Save the Ales!
            Toys for Tots at Rooster's Cafe

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            • #7
              She does have a lot of friends back home that will keep her busy and company, however I think those are also the same friends that is feeding her "delusion" of what's happening. She wants to go back, and she didnt say anything earlier because she was afraid I might say no since the baby was still young. But with all the tension building up, it's better she be away from the conflict for awhile to coll off, and see if she really wants to stay back home long term.

              We are Chinese, so there is a lot of cultural expectation of the children caring for the aging parent, especially since I am an only child. However, I also dont want to repeat the same problems that is prevalent in our culture where there is constant conflicts between the mom's and wives. I am trying to find a solution where not everyone feels resentful of the results.

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              • #8
                I hate to sound cruel (and I do not come from the same cultural background, so keep that in mind ...) but IMO you need to make yourself, your wife and your current child and prospective future children your first priority.

                My mom's parents were central European of German heritage, but Grandpa's mother had the same attitude as yours. While she was strong and vigorous, she made their life miserable, with poor Grandma taking the brunt of it (because Grandpa couldn't brush her off because, you know, respect for the parents and all that ....) It wasn't until after my grandmother died that Grandpa finally found his spine. Great-Grandma was a drama queen as well ... at one point she came sobbing to his door, telling him she wanted to "die in your basement." I won't thread-jack with the whole story; let's just say that bunch knew how to take the 'fun' out of "dysfunctional."

                greek_jester's ideas are very good. Your mother is an adult and unless you have reason to believe she has some cognitive problems, then she has to make her own decisions and live with the results. It is not remotely fair for her to say you can't move, you can't change the house to accommodate your expanding family, you can't do this or that or the next thing, and then along with it treat you and your wife as if you were lazy moochers while she's the only one holding the place together.

                You can "take care of her" without having her living in your house (unless that's what you want). My grandfather checked out a number of nursing homes and found a really good one, and that's where Great-Grandma went. Rather surprisingly, she liked it there. He visited her weekly and brought her birthday cakes and whatnot. "Taking care" means doing the best for the person given their condition ... not necessarily being at their beck and call 24/7.
                Customer service: More efficient than a Dementor's kiss
                ~ Mr Hero

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                • #9
                  Well, mom is currently back home for 6 months, so has some breathing room for now.

                  Ideally I want to convince her to stay in China. She got friends there, and half the world away. I want to take care of her, but yea, my wife and kid comes first, and I need to take care of them. Mom is an adult and should live her life, however it may be, and i will help as i can, but my family is my priority.

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