Why do you people even eat out?

[dalesys]

...She'd take two bites out of an apple and chuck the rest because "there's something wrong with it." Every. Day.

I had a little bother that at two would only eat one bite of a cookie: "Somebody's been eating it!"

[blas]

Oh goodness, MoonCat, I worked with this last bf.....he was such a baby about the food at work, too.

I'm no chef myself, and prefer to just eat out of the vending machines of doom. I mean, for the most part, there's a variety. Some days of the week, though, there just was nothing but burgers or the same sandwiches that we'd already been eating all week. But, if you don't bring a lunch from home, you're starving......is it going to hurt you to eat another burger for one more lunch at work? Or is it more productive to pout about there being "nothing to eat"....so you just won't eat anything at all?

I bet you can guess which option he chose.

[Jester]

SC: GET ME A REFUND! THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOUR IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!

I don't really know what kind of "behaviour" he was talking about.

At a guess, I'd say the part where you guys told him the food was fine and that he was pretty much wrong. SCs don't really like being told that.

Why didn't they say anything when I checked their table?

Because they're idiots and/or scammers. Take your pick. (I vote for idiot scammers, but then, I'm a bit opinionated from time to time. Or so I've heard.)

SC: I don't like your menu. So I brought my own lunch.
SC: Heat it up in your microwave and put it in a bowl for me.

Let me think about this one...um, NO.

Seriously, what the flying feral ferret fuck is this shit? I do occasionally have some customers come up to the bar with an ice cream or piece of pie or some other munchy from another establishment in town, but they are finishing up their snack, are ordering drinks, and are not (A) bringing in their own meal, or (B) demanding that I heat it up and plate it for them.

Now, there was this one economically disadvantaged fellow (aka bum) who came into the bar a few years ago on an occasion where he actually had money. He was munching on a bagel with cream cheese, which I chose to politely ignore as I got him his drinks. Until, that is, he decided he was done with said bagel, and tossed it on the bar. Cream cheese side down. On. The. Bar. MY bar.

Anyone want to guess what happened next?

If you guessed that I subserviently cleaned the bagel off the bar and asked the gentleman if he needed anything off, you clearly have no idea who I am or what I'm like.

If, however, you guessed that I looked at the bum, looked down at the bagel and cream cheese mess on the bar, then looked back at the bum with an absolutely stone cold death glare, until I finally caught his attention, then told him in no uncertain terms, "You can't do that. You know better. Now, clean that shit up. NOW!", then you have a much clearer understanding of how I handle such idiocy.

SC screeched "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T ALLOW OUTSIDE FOOD? I'M NOT PAYING YOUR PRICES!!!!"

You don't have to pay these prices. You also don't have to be here. As a matter of fact, if you object so much to our prices and our policies, I suggest it is in everyone's best interest that you do not remain here. Those are the doors. Despite recent evidence to the contrary, I'd like to think you are intelligent enough to know how to use them.

SC: You're not understanding me. I want to eat outside, but it's raining. What are you going to do about it?

Give you the following options:
1. Eat inside and stay dry, be miserable, and make us miserable.
2. Eat outside in the beer garden and get wet, get more miserable, and make us more miserable.
3. Go the fuck somewhere else where you can continue to be miserable, but we will be much, much happier.

I suggest option #3.

Now, we get people like this from time to time, who are simply appalled--APPALLED, I tell you!--that despite the tropical storm like conditions, wherein rain is coming down forcefully--and sideways--and the amount of rain is causing the streets to flood enough to raise cars up off their shocks and people to jet ski down the street (this actually happens!), we do not have the OPEN AIR ROOF DECK open for them to enjoy.

Or, if they understand why it's not open, can't stop bitching about the rain, and how, damn it, these are the Florida Keys, and aren't we supposed to ALWAYS have great weather down here?

I'd like to point out that they don't call them NORTHEASTERN storms, MIDWESTERN storms, NORTHERN storms, or ARCTIC storms, but TROPICAL storms. Welcome to the TROPICS, you morons!

SC: There are black lines all over my steak! It's dirty!
Me: Those are lines from the grill.
SC: It's dirt!
Me: It's not dirt. It's cook lines.
SC: It's dirt! I need a new steak!
Me: Any other steak I bring out will look EXACTLY the same.
SC: I'm not eating dirt!

It went around in circles about six times, until her boyfriend finally told her to shut up.

I have five words for this pair. To the woman, four: SHUT THE FUCK UP. To her boyfriend, merely one: BRAVO!

4. The existence of a beer garden or outside tables at a place serving food does not guarantee weather suitable to actually use these, nor does the business pocess the ability to change the weather to suit your preference.

I'd like to say this is a rare event, but it's actually quite common: people will come in from outside and ask what the weather is like on the open air roof deck. Which is, you know, also outside, since it's open air. And yet they can't for the life of them guess what the weather one floor up from where they have just walked in from might possibly be.

And yet these people apparently have jobs that are good enough to allow them to afford a vacation to the Keys. Astounding.

Pubs & restaurants do not generally put nice even lines of dirt on food.

Tempting as it may be to do so.....

There, have all patrons read these rules, initial these rules, and if they still break these rules, then staple the initialed rules to their foreheads.

I think a nail gun would be far preferable, but it's a small quibble.

Didn't you get an idiot last year who went out & tried to wipe the tables during a rainfall, and who looked very confused when the tables continued to get wet?

My first thought to this was, "Surely MoonCat must be mistaken--there is no WAY someone would be that fucking stupid."

My second thought was, "Wait a minute....this is CustomersSuck.com. And I've been in the restaurant industry for over 25 years. And have had people ask me, my coworkers, or my friends if the soup was already made, how they would get up the stairs right in front of them, what the weather was like on the open air roof deck, if I could make them a virgin Shirley Temple, if we could strain the onions out of the French Onion Soup, if Mount Gay Rum was a rum designed for gay people to drink, why they couldn't get a free happy hour drink an hour and a half after happy hour ended, why we wouldn't put the only sound system in the bar on a political debate when the place was packed with sports fans watching a sporting event, why they needed ID to drink alcoholic drinks, if I could ignore the law to suit them, how many times a day we have the Sunset Celebration, if the Seven Mile Bridge was seven miles high, if the waters around the island (the Gulf of Mexico and the Atlantic Ocean) were fished out, if we took American money, if the water went all the way around the island, if the boat captain could get them closer to the sunset, if we were open when the doors were open and there were clearly at least 30 people inside dining and/or drinking, what kind of fish they could catch under the island, how far apart the mile markers were, if the island ever tilted from so many people being on Duval Street, where on the glass bottom boat the glass bottom was, and why they couldn't give their toddler children jello shots, among other things. And I'm REALLY wondering if someone could be THAT fucking stupid?"

Yeah. The first thought was taken out back and summarily executed for criminal stupidity.

[EricKei]

Me? I'm just a humble meatatarian. More veggies and salad for those who prefer such ^_^

Guess you should keep a tarp and a couple of stakes behind the bar until then for those with, ahem, stratospheric expectations.

Yeah, I can see how that would be useful, tho I thought we weren't supposed to talk about physical viol--....Oh! Oh! you mean use the stakes to hold the tarp! Ahh, I see. Silly me

[the lawsmeister]

SC: GET ME A REFUND! THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOUR IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!

How very true. Unfortunately he was referring to CRML when he should have been talking about himself.

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

SC: There are black lines all over my steak! It's dirty!

Obviously this person has never eaten anything that has come off of a grill.

Ever.

[fireheart]

Sorry but what does "I guess that's me told" mean? I never heard that expression before.

The way I thought of it was a more polite version of "you got pwned"

[BroSCFischer]

Didn't you get an idiot last year who went out & tried to wipe the tables during a rainfall, and who looked very confused when the tables continued to get wet?

My first thought to this was, "Surely MoonCat must be mistaken--there is no WAY someone would be that fucking stupid."

Submitted for your approval.

Rain is Wet

Doo doo doo doo.

SC

[SkullBash]

Submitted for your approval.

Rain is Wet

Doo doo doo doo.

SC

Fuck me running up and down a hill. What the hell. What. the. hell. I can't even see the humor in how pathetic that is. I can just hear it now, though...

WHY CAN'T SOMEONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE BIG DARK POOFY SKYLUMPS UP THERE! THEY MAKE ALL THE WET THINGS! I want to speak to a manager! Who? Zeus? And I have to wait for him by holding up this big metal spoon while standing in this bucket of water? Like this? OKAY, BUT I'M STILL GONNA CALL CORPORA-

[downforit2008]

What a bunch of stupid whiny customers. Especially the one who said, "It's raining. What are you going to do about it?" I work outside at my retail store and I remember a lady screeching at me, "Why is it raining? Can't you just make it stop?"

That was the dumbest lack of common sense I've ever seen from a customer. I just said, "Sorry, I forgot to bring my MAGIC WAND from home!" Then I turned and walked away. How else can you explain that the weather will not change just because a stupid customer WANTS it to?

[Jester]

I just said, "Sorry, I forgot to bring my MAGIC WAND from home!" Then I turned and walked away. How else can you explain that the weather will not change just because a stupid customer WANTS it to?

Sadly, I can't do that....being a magician and all.

[Pixilated]

Didn't you get an idiot last year who went out & tried to wipe the tables during a rainfall, and who looked very confused when the tables continued to get wet? Must have been a relative of this idiot.

CRML, if I ever get to visit England again I'm going to visit your pub and take notes. When one of your crazy customers asks me why, I'll say I'm taking notes for a book about bad customer behavior.

I'd like to do the same. I always thought the traditional British pub was a place where people went for a nice quiet pint and maybe a game of darts. Apparently I've been watching too many old movies.

[mariamousie1]

SC: THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOUR IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!

"Well, I'm glad you realize that, hopefully you'll do better in the future."