Feeling overwhelmed

[houdini]

I um...well, calling you would certainly be brave...I'm like Neville in the first Harry Potter book, however.

I have absolutely no idea what that means, as I have never read any of the Potter books, nor seen any of the movies.

Shy, scared of everything, constantly loses his toad and overcomes his fears at the end (by threatening Harry. I always found that funny).

[dragon_wings]

Neville's one of those character's that overcomes a lot to become a really badass character. In the first book: quivering pushover (till he stands up to Harry, Ron, and Hermione at the end). In the last book: one of the baddest of the badass heroes. I <3 Neville.

[Eisa]

Der Cute: Ah, ok. Yes, I should do something similar. My depression's getting worse. Lots worse. It greatly amuses me when people tell me I have no reason to be depressed. XD

It doesn't, but any other option I have at the moment to live with is worse. NOT moving in with my parents again--it becomes tempting every once in a while because I'm...used to their shit? The way they put me down and act like fuckwads? I'm used to it. Built up defenses to it. Still don't really have those to my aunt. But moving in with my parents would mean a giant upswing in flashbacks and feeling awful and hiding in the closet. That would not be fun.

Oh. That would be good. That would be very good. Having someone there who understands how much being places freaks me out. I'm...not completely agoraphobic yet, so I can kind of leave and kind of go places, but I have to be dragged out basically, I don't want to make the decision to go somewhere myself.

Oh, I do write stuff down. Every time I go to the doctor, I write it down. When I've had a therapist, I even would write most everything down. In therapy, I have a prodigious ability to avoid the issue. One time, I told my therapist the entire plot of Tangled. Complete with dialogue snippets. She was impressed. (And it actually worked out, since we then compared me to Rapunzel and my mom's like Mother Gothel... -cough-)

Yeah, I've not really ever looked for an online therapist, not particularly sure where to start. :/ I'll have to start researching that after I sleep some more.

The "how do you feel?" thing always frustrated me. I had therapy with a grad student for almost a year, and that's what I wanted, was "what can I do to help x, I know none of my problems are going to be fixed in a school year, I just want coping stuff" and he'd keep going off on random tangents and just...gah, frustrating as hell. It's also bad when you feel more knowledgeable about psychology in general than your therapist...

Not this moment, but I could try that later, yes. I think I will.


Jester: D'awww. Yay! People like me! Also, you're a wild Pokemon. Ignore the ramblings of my sleep-deprived brain, it likes that thought. XD ...I dunno why.

Other people have answered, but yes...Neville's also really timid. Which I am.


houdini: I thought that was awesome of him! I get chills at the end-of-year feast when Dumbledore gives Neville ten points for standing up to his friends, it's epic.


dragon_wings: He is a TOTAL badass by the end, he's awesome. I like him in the first book, too, people underestimate him a lot. I like when he takes on Crabbe and Goyle at the Quidditch match. I mean, yes, he ends up unconscious in the infirmary, but...

Wait. All the talk about his epic bravery is kinda making my comparison a fail, isn't it... XD I should call someone this week! That gives me until Saturday.


Should go to sleep now...actually did sleep for a couple hours earlier, but I woke up. Funtimes. Not feeling well at all--also PMS-ing. Anyone ever notice how hormones just contrive to make everything else feel a billion times worse? Cuz mine are off-the-charts awful. And this would be the month I run out of my birth control pills. Of course. >.< And don't have over $100 to get another six-months' supply. Fuck. I really don't care about the contraceptive part, it's hormone regulation, pure and simple. D: Another thing that sucks right now.

triggers Want to self-injure this morning. I haven't cut since April 4, 2009. I have, however, scratched myself a few times with my nails, the last time was a couple days ago, and the marks are still there and thus tempting me. I miss that. I always liked the marks. Like proof. Proof I'm not ok, proof that things are fucked up and something is wrong, and taking away the pretending. I hate I don't have any permanent scars at all, I mean, it's not like I want loads, but you would think that over 7 years of doing something would leave...er...something. Nope.

[dragon_wings]

You are still like Neville, you just haven't progressed to the book 5-7 Neville. But you're working on it! That's all that matters.

[Eisa]

Ah, that's what it is. Yeah, that works.

Let's see. Did try to look up online resources. Found nothing, but rediscovered Psych Central, so I suppose that's good. I find it hilarious that I get a 5 years+ member badge when I have barely been on since 2006.

Also doing beaucoup research on gov't jobs over on the East Coast...would be nice if I could find something that did not involve the forest service. Bf helping with that, at least. Oh! Also reminded me that apparently being co-admin of a support forum can count as job experience. I did not know that. My friend told me that the other day (as she is the other co-admin lol). I suppose there is kinda a lot of work involved in that...ish. Also wish there could be like...that I could get paid for my odd ability to sing along with new songs on the radio as they play.

Have killer headache today, just want to sort of curl up and die. >.< Also had rotten nightmare last night of being basically kidnapped by this woman, who then spent ages r@ping and abusing me, telling me it was what I needed, and that it was my fault--I got away on a ship full of people who had also got away from her, only to find her grabbing leftovers in the kitchen O.o Just what I always wanted...to be r@ped in my dreams, too. Fucking hell.

I ramble all the time, don't I. Here, have some llamas in hats. NSFW. Caaaaaaaaaarl!

My friend sent the whole series to me today. I laughed shamefully. Llamas are definitely cheery-up, even when massacring people in terrible ways.

[Eisa]

Can't talk much about this in public, but I have a friend...who is now in the hospital because of the most awful, horrific people I have ever heard of it. Feel utterly helpless. They're in a different country. I can't help. I mean, they have as much emotional support as I can throw at them, but...doesn't ever feel like enough.

And of course, I get most down at 3 a.m. when everyone is asleep (or should be). Fail. -listens to Voltaire to cheer myself up-

[Eisa]

Literally have only left my room twice since the time I went to bed yesterday morning. Hello, hermit life, how are you today?

[Mishi]

And of course, I get most down at 3 a.m. when everyone is asleep (or should be). Fail. -listens to Voltaire to cheer myself up-

Which is 8pm here, so let me know if you need random funnies to cheer you up. Example: I wrapped the giant teddybears up tightly in a foetal position so that when the girls unwrap them on Christmas morning, the bears will appear to move of their own accord.
The large packages have already scared Danny (one of our dogs) so I'm eagerly awaiting his reaction on Christmas Morning.

[Eisa]

That is absolutely adorable. Danny the dog should get his own teddy bear.

[Jester]

Are you really going to force me to call you, darlin'? LOL!

[Mishi]

Do it Jester!

@Eisa: So far Danny's disembowled two Winnie-the Pooh bears, one Toucan Sam and terrorised several other stuffed animals. He also seems to think that cats are toys and attempts to carry them around in his mouth, cuddles them, cleans them and tries to nurse from them. He's a little odd

[Eisa]

MISHI! TRAITOR. I feel like I want to rescue all the cats. -not just saying that cuz I'm a fluffy cat thief who hides in closets-



Jester: Meeeeebbbbbeeee.

[dragon_wings]

Jester: CALL HER.

What? :innocent:

[Eisa]

HEY!



Hmph.

[dragon_wings]

Oh right. I forgot to tell you in pm that I'm kind evil too. :P