We Are Not the Magical Land of Infinite Options

[Dips]

I've dealt with three mildly sucky encounters in the space of two hours.

The Heavy Sigher:

Caller: I need to speak with Darlene.

Me: She's on the line with another caller. Would you like her voice mail.

Caller: No thanks. I'll just hold for her.

Me: I'm sorry. We don't have a hold queue. Would you like her voice mail or to try again a little later?

Caller: FINE! I'll take voice mail.

She managed a huff, a puff, a sigh and a groan in the ten seconds it took to transfer her to Darlene's voice mail.

Mr. Silent:

Caller: Why did my software [insert technical problem here]?

Me: That sometimes happens if you make changes to your hardware or your system.

Caller: I didn't change anything!

Me: Let's try [insert technical solution #1 here]

Caller: I get [insert known error code here].

Me: To clear that error, you will need to remove the program and re-install it.

Caller: Oh. God! Really?

Me: That is the only way to get rid of that error.

This caller didn't huff and puff. He tried the technique of remaining completely silent in the hopes I'd get uncomfortable and fill the silence with the information he wanted to hear. It didn't work.

Caller: So I remove it using Add/Remove Programs?

Me: Yes.

The Guilt Tripper:

Caller: I need help with [insert hardware interface question here]. Is Carl there?

Me: Carl is on vacation today. Eugene is able to help you with that, but he is at lunch now. I expect him back at one o'clock. Would you like his voice mail or would you prefer to try again then?

Caller: I'm leaving work early today; that's not going to work.

Me: Oh, I see. Both Carl and Eugene will be here tomorrow if this afternoon isn't convenient for you.

Caller: So that's it?

Me: I'm afraid I don't understand your question.

Caller: I have to call back tomorrow?

Me: Either that or you could leave a voice mail for Eugene now and let him know when would be a good time to call you back. Whatever is more convenient for you.

Caller: Well, I don't know when I'll be around tomorrow, so I guess I'll have to call back tomorrow and hope I can get some help.

Me: We also have email support available. Many people who are in and out a lot find that more convenient than playing phone tag. Would you like the email address for support?

Caller: Never mind. I'll just try tomorrow. [click]

So now that's three people who figure that, if none of the actual options suit them, they can make whatever imaginary option they want appear just by believing enough.

[Soulstealer]

Well you could always tell them to close their eyes, click their heels, and chant 'I do believe in faries'

It doesn't work? I'm shocked. Really, I am.

[weirdboy_1]

I know exactly how you feel. I work at an answering service, and I don't know how many times I've said "They're not available, but I could take a message if you'd like". Only for them to respond "That's okay, I'll just take their voicemail."

What the heck? There is no imaginary 2nd option that only you can see. Believe me, I want you off my line as badly as you want off my line, so if I could I would offer you voicemail, but I can't, I can take a message.

I feel your pain.

[flybye023]

And then the utter disbelief and snottiness that "you don't have VOICEMAIL?!!!?"
Yeah. It's actually still possible to get by without voicemail, jerk.

Also, I hate the people who try the silent response. Buddy, I can sit here allll day if you want. My answer is not going to change and I'm getting paid.

[draftermatt]

We get that all the time here too. "He's not here right now, may I take a message "Doesn't he have voicemail?"

Thing is, we used to have it (before I started here in 2001), but no one would check the damn thing, so they gave it up (and the owners were just as if not more guilty of not checking) in favor of "may I take a message"