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  • Abuse Addiction

    How do you deal with someone who is addicted to verbal and mental abuse from a spouse? They occasionally snap and end up doing to a friends (mine or otherwise) but then always end up crawling back even if what they get when they get through the door is still the same abusive rant that they walked out of the door too.

    A few years ago (before my interaction with them) they were so bad they were pretty much 24/7 in an alcoholic stupor and needed to be dragged out of it before it killed them. Now that isn't the case but they are still hooked on that abusive partner and thinking they have no "right" to leave them after decades of abuse.

    As friends of this person we are sick of it. Sick of dealing with the outcome and getting them stable again only to have them run junkie style back to their 'dealer' for the next round when their spouse doesn't even pretend to try to change.

    This happened in the last few days and I handed the friend a flick knife when they said they were going back and said "If you want to do it do it cleanly for everyone else's sake..." Not the best way of dealing with it but honestly what I felt at the time.

    (And I note: Friend is not traditionally suicidal and myself and the flatmate both have been - this isn't a flippant reaction discounting the real impact and issues of suicide. Not something we bring up or do lightly but the abuse they are facing day in and day out is THAT bad.)

    Its not my battle to fight, I know that. But as people who care about this friend? It hurts to see him walk back into that hellhole time after time.
    I am so SO glad I was not present for this. There would have been an unpleasant duct tape incident. - Joi

  • #2
    Agreeing with patiokitty. A very hard lesson that I learned, and still have trouble with, is that there is no perfect combination of words you can say to them that will change their behavior. So stop trying. For your own peace of mind and your health, because in the end you can only save yourself. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

    If it will make you feel better, give them the numbers of all the local shelters and crisis services, then back away.
    When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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    • #3
      I kind of get what you mean by calling it an addiction. I have met people who will search out those kind of relationships if they don't have one. Or make it up in their head if they need to because they can't cope otherwise. It can be frustrating to know how to deal with.
      "Man, having a conversation with you is like walking through a salvador dali painting." - Mac Hall

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      • #4
        This person needs serious therapy. DV victims often have BPD, or dependent personalities. Until they resolve those issues, it is very difficult to get free of these situations. The alcohol abuse doesn't help.

        Tough love is needed here. Quit rescuing this person. Force her to use a shelter, where they can get access to the right services to help them.

        Or, start calling the police. Once one or the other starts going to jail that might wake someone up.
        They say that God only gives us what we can handle. Apparently, God thinks I'm a bad ass.

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        • #5
          Abusers typically find victims who fit a certain set of vulnerabilities: even if they don't actually have the disorders Sapphire Silk mentioned, they have personalities which are close to one of them; or are vulnerable for some other reason.
          Some children of abuse-pattern families grow up to become vulnerable adults, for fairly obvious reasons.

          Find a shelter or hotline in your area, and ask for advice on resources for friends/family/support network of abuse victims. You might find that with additional information, you can either be more effective help for her, or be more able to tolerate the cycle an abuse victim goes through.

          The page I cribbed this from is targetted towards victims; helping them see what's happening and choose to get out and stay out:
          * Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
          * Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
          * Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
          * "Normal" behavior – The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
          * Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
          * Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

          The following pages are the results of a quick google search.

          http://www.helpguide.org/mental/dome...es_effects.htm

          http://www.domesticviolence.nsw.gov.au/

          http://www.dvrcv.org.au/


          Meh. I'm getting a ton of Australia-specific sites. Thank you, oh helpful Google search code. Do a search on 'domestic abuse' or 'domestic violence'.
          Seshat's self-help guide:
          1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
          2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
          3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
          4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

          "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

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          • #6
            They can't stop believing that they can change their partner, you want to believe that you can change them. It's not so different, so you have some understanding, no?

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            • #7
              Thank you all for your comments. Its actually a guy being abused by his wife and unfortunately it never gets near enough to be provable for police action.

              Seshat, the only one that doesn't really click is Guilt. She shows no guilt and continues acting like everything she did was perfectly right rather than somewhere near batshiat crazy.

              And Yfandes, I do have understanding and the annoyance of it is that away from this person he is a completely different person to when around her. And when away from her and she throws abuse at him over FB or text or phone he will bite back and stop her/tell her off. When it blows up in person its a different matter.

              Patiokitty, there is a lot of "I don't deserve better" due to a matter in his past which doesn't help. Not criminal but having done an undesirable but necessary job that most people wouldn't "agree" with its easy to make him feel like the scum of the earth.

              Its been a long while in which he's slowly come round to realizing that he doesn't have to take it and doesn't deserve it. And he was so close this weekend to holding his own against her and then.... she gave more abuse when he walked back through the door and he still fell back over his feet for her. So frustrating.
              I am so SO glad I was not present for this. There would have been an unpleasant duct tape incident. - Joi

              Comment


              • #8
                In some cases, the 'guilt' part of the cycle is more an 'oh crap, my victim is thinking of leaving me/I may suffer some other consequences'.

                You're in the problem of triage: you only have so many resources available to you (your own ability to cope, for instance). Who do you help?

                If you help this guy, who else in your network is not getting help they need? If you don't help him, what happens to him?

                Sadly, good people have tough decisions to make. Know that whichever people you devote your time-and-attention to, I respect your tough decision.

                One compromise decision which comes to mind: google domestic abuse, find the sites which cover abused men in his area, and point him at them. And then devote less time-and-attention to him, more to others.

                But that's one option, choose the option which feels right to YOU.
                Seshat's self-help guide:
                1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

                Comment

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