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Destined for urban legend status

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  • #31
    Is this how they make vodka?
    "Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid" Redd Foxx as Al Royal - The Royal Family - Pilot Episode - 1991.

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    • #32
      My dad's a doctor, and he says the stories he could tell you would make your skin crawl. At the ER he did his rotation at, they kept a Hall of Fame for the best stories... and he said that a lot of the urban legends have a definite root in reality.

      The thing that grossed him out most? A woman with a colostomy who came in with an STI infection to the port. She was a prostitute... and told the doctors there that she could CHARGE EXTRA for men to - ahem- make use of said port. And that she had been busier than she had ever been.

      Apparently the sight of warts sprouting from a colostomy port is something you never forget.


      , anyone?
      "Asking an Irish girl to tone it down a notch is about the same as asking a wolf to leave the sheep alone. Good luck with that. " - Jester, about me

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      • #33
        Quoth Marlowe View Post
        The thing that grossed him out most? A woman with a colostomy who came in with an STI infection to the port. She was a prostitute... and told the doctors there that she could CHARGE EXTRA for men to - ahem- make use of said port. And that she had been busier than she had ever been.
        OK, one question: WHO THE HELL HAS THAT SORT OF FETISH?!?!?!?!

        Also, I do believe student doctor had a thread like this that detailed some gross stories from the ED. *wanders off to find the link*

        *returns* here we are! http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=257985

        (Note: link is most likely NSFW)
        The best professors are mad scientists! -Zoom

        Now queen of USSR-Land...

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        • #34
          Oh, I also forgot about a friend of mine at college who had a... uh... incident with a marker pen. Although that never made it to the ER. Instead... it made it to me

          Basically, the poor guy was afflicted with (I think) haemorrhoids. Which itched. And in order to provide some temporary relief, he would once in a while insert a marker into the holiest of holies. Cap down, for safety.

          You can see where this is going.

          So, after a while of... relief... he decides to remove the marker, takes hold of the cap, and pulls.

          The cap comes off.

          And worse, the shock of this means he... uh... sucks in the marker to beyond where he can reach.

          After eight hours of not being able to get this thing out, he's panicking, with visions of horrific complications. The internet is unhelpful. He can't go to the ER. It's too embarrassing. He finally asks his roommate to help, but after a few seconds they realise that no amount of "no homo, bro" will make this OK. What do they do? ER? Call a physician?

          No.

          Roommate: "Hey, isn't Marlowe pre-med?"



          And we Never Spoke Of It Again.
          "Asking an Irish girl to tone it down a notch is about the same as asking a wolf to leave the sheep alone. Good luck with that. " - Jester, about me

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          • #35
            OK, why would inserting a marker help with THAT?! O_o
            The best professors are mad scientists! -Zoom

            Now queen of USSR-Land...

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            • #36
              Quoth fireheart View Post
              OK, why would inserting a marker help with THAT?! O_o
              *shrugs* He said that it itched, and the marker made it stop itching for a while. I guess maybe kind of like when you have a tooth growing in and it helps to bite on stuff?

              ...yeah, I got nothing.

              It did amuse me that he and his mate were so hung up on "no homo" when he was the one who stuck the marker up there in the first place
              "Asking an Irish girl to tone it down a notch is about the same as asking a wolf to leave the sheep alone. Good luck with that. " - Jester, about me

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              • #37
                A colleague of mine has a relative or friend (I forget which) who has worked as a nurse in accident and emergency (ER) for some years. She can now say the following:

                "So, you got home from shopping and forgot your key and decided to climb in through the bathroom window, slipped, fell onto your shopping, and that's how the shampoo bottle ended up inside your bum, despite your trousers and undergarments showing no sign of damage?"

                She can say that, and does, without breaking a smile now. At least once a week with a very unusual excuse.

                http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aWXrlgaDok

                The sign language translation makes this incredible. Just saying.

                Rapscallion

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                • #38
                  Quoth Rapscallion View Post
                  A colleague of mine has a relative or friend (I forget which) who has worked as a nurse in accident and emergency (ER) for some years. She can now say the following:

                  "So, you got home from shopping and forgot your key and decided to climb in through the bathroom window, slipped, fell onto your shopping, and that's how the shampoo bottle ended up inside your bum, despite your trousers and undergarments showing no sign of damage?"
                  My medical friends say the same thing. They said they never realised how hazardous it was to walk around their own house given the apparently serious risk of falling on bottles/jars/large "joke" adult items/root vegetables at any moment. One of them told me about a guy who came in with two gerbils inside him. He said he "fell asleep, and they must have run up there suddenly" (The gerbils survived and went home with one of the residents, who gave them to his young son. As far as I know, he never told his wife where the gerbils had been )

                  Another guy somehow "fell" on his cellphone, which would have been rather mundane... had his friends not come with him to the ER and insisted on ringing it every 30 seconds. And, you know, if he hadn't lied to the staff and told them he had "unexplained discomfort" up there, without mentioning the phone... in his words "the triage nurse was hot."

                  Nurse: Sir, turn off your phone
                  Butt Phone Guy (BPG): ...No.
                  Nurse: Sir, you have to turn off your phone.
                  BPG: No.
                  Nurse: Sir, if you do not turn off your phone I-
                  BPG: I CAN'T TURN IT OFF.
                  Nurse: Sir, you MUST-
                  BPG: NOOO!
                  Nurse: Sir, unless you can give me a good reason-
                  BPG: *shouting* BECAUSE IT'S IN MY BUTT!
                  Nurse:
                  Whole ER:

                  (imagine that conversation taking place with the insistent, only slightly muffled tones of an old Nokia chirping away in the background. )

                  (In the words of my friend "Hell, I wish I'd asked what network he used! I can't get any signal in the hospital, and that's WITHOUT my phone being up my butt! ")

                  Another story my dad told me was about a guy who came in with not one, but TWO lightbulbs up there. One bulb side up, one bulb side down. Lightbulbs were a big deal to sort out because the glass is so fragile, and shattering one can make a bad situation suddenly much, much worse. It ended up being a kind of weird, twisted logic puzzle competition the whole ER took part in to figure out how to get those things out.

                  (An intern won. He suggested inserting a catheter up there, inflating the balloon at the end of it, and then CAREFULLY pulling on it and until the lightbulbs emerged.)

                  (That intern is now the head of the surgery department at a major hospital. )
                  "Asking an Irish girl to tone it down a notch is about the same as asking a wolf to leave the sheep alone. Good luck with that. " - Jester, about me

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                  • #39
                    (Makes note to ask Cheryl Wheeler to add another verse to her Potato song)
                    I am not an a**hole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate a**holes!
                    Procrastination: Forward planning to insure there is something to do tomorrow.
                    Derails threads faster than a pocket nuke.

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                    • #40
                      Quoth fireheart View Post
                      *returns* here we are! http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=257985
                      (Note: link is most likely NSFW)
                      Further Note: Said link is a GINORMOUS time sink! Plan accordingly.

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                      • #41
                        I now need brain bleach and anti-laughing gas... and I haven't even started reading the linked thread yet.. lol
                        I am so SO glad I was not present for this. There would have been an unpleasant duct tape incident. - Joi

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                        • #42
                          Thank you! I had been looking for that site.

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                          • #43
                            Quoth Ellain View Post
                            Thank you! I had been looking for that site.
                            I love that site.

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                            • #44
                              Quoth Marlowe View Post
                              (imagine that conversation taking place with the insistent, only slightly muffled tones of an old Nokia chirping away in the background. )
                              Question: was it the Nokia tune (aka Gran Vals) by any chance?

                              If so....
                              The best professors are mad scientists! -Zoom

                              Now queen of USSR-Land...

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