The worst 4th of July *Long, graphic, please read disclaimer*

[DaisyQueen]

Amina, you are an inspiration. I used to think I would have loved to be a pediatric nurse or an ER nurse until my mother brought me back down to earth with "You do realize you will see children and tiny babies with unthinkable injuries, don't you? How will you feel when you see injustices done and the children go home with the people who did that to them?" After that moment of revelation, I knew I couldn't handle it. I very much admire anyone who can do it.
When I was little, my cousin was badly burned in a furnace explosion. He was in the burn unit for months getting skin grafts and recovering. I remember going to visit him once and we couldn't even get in the room--we could only see him through a glass door. It was an awful unit--I had so much respect and admiration for the nurses who deal with burns all day every day.
That said, I did read your whole post and am trying not to picture what you saw. You are an amazing nurse and your compassion is crystal clear. The level of caring you bring to your patients, all of them, is truly amazing and needed all over the country---the world really. However, you need to take care of yourself first.
I used to work in the domestic violence/sexual assault field. I worked in my job for many years until I found myself broken. I saw a shoe on the side of the road and assumed an abuser threw out his victim's shoes so she could not escape the car (it was winter). I saw a dead animal on the side of the road and KNEW it was an abuser who killed the family pet to teach his family a lesson. This is not normal. I had to get out and start thinking there was good in the world again. So I went to work in a completely different setting and have healed so much in the last year.
The reason for telling you this is, perhaps you do need a change of scenery, but maybe it's temporary. Maybe a year or so of a different kind of work will re-invigorate you and help you find your true passion. Maybe your true passion is where you are right now. A break may help you heal and decide what you really want.
I agree with the previous posters who recommended talking to the fire chief about where their employees go for help. Going to someone that law enforcement, fire fighters, and ambulance workers use is preferable as they are used to hearing these stories.
I'm praying for you, Amina. You truly are a wonderful nurse and if I or my family ever needed care, I would wish you, or a cloned version of you, were there. But please take care of yourself.
The way I see this story, well I hope it will not offend anyone. I see it as the best ending a tragedy could have. The whole family is together again where they do not feel pain and will never be separated. Good things can come out of tragedies--first responders hug their families a little tighter, families check their own smoke detectors and install some or replace the batteries, and everyone on this message board appreciates their own blessings a little more.
Sorry this is so long. And perhaps it should have been a private message. I haven't figured out my way around the site too well yet so I apologize for that.
Good luck, Amina. We're pulling for you and hope you do what you truly want to do--be that nursing or something else.

[BeeMused]

Such a sad and tragic story, like so many people here I had to cry, it's always so sad when young kids have to die.
You did your best for them, dispite high stress your compassion never left you. You were able to swallow back your tears and to continue. This makes you a truly great nurse!

And good wishes for your coworker, who did the right thing: to recognize when it gets too much and get professional help!

[Cobrabubbles]

I could never do your job, not on my best day. It takes a special person to do what you do and I thank you for it. Even though we're not in the same city you doing your job is making a huge difference the world over (karma and good things and all that) I can't imagine what you are going through and I wish you the absolute best possible solution for you in this.

[jennie]

Transatlantic *megahugs!* There aren't enough people like you in the world...

[Koalio]

People like you is why nurses are heroes. My husband is one as well. You did the best you could. Hugs to you and everyone there.

[Reyneth]

Lots and lots of HUGS, Amina.

Thank you for being there to do everything you could and to give what comfort was still possible at that point. I just keep thinking of the famous Mr. Rodgers quote about the "helpers." You are one of those heroes that can make horrible things better, even if in a small way.

I hope you are able to heal and to recover. You won't forget, but it will fade. I think having your colleagues who are going through the same thing will help so you can support each other.

Again, lots and lots of hugs.

[shopgirl15]

I always wanted to be an ER doctor...but I must say chemistry courses got the better of me.

Props to you, OP.

[Food Lady]

DaisyQueen, I'm very glad you didn't write that as a pm to Amina, because it was beneficial to all of us. You have a beautiful soul.

[Amina516]

*snippet*

The way I see this story, well I hope it will not offend anyone. I see it as the best ending a tragedy could have. The whole family is together again where they do not feel pain and will never be separated. Good things can come out of tragedies--first responders hug their families a little tighter, families check their own smoke detectors and install some or replace the batteries, and everyone on this message board appreciates their own blessings a little more.
Sorry this is so long. And perhaps it should have been a private message. I haven't figured out my way around the site too well yet so I apologize for that.
Good luck, Amina. We're pulling for you and hope you do what you truly want to do--be that nursing or something else.

That was beautiful and extremely wonderful and heartwarming to read. Thank you so much, Daisy Queen and to everyone else for your kind words. I am considering a change of career focus area, but this wouldnt happen for another year at least.

Im feeling better. Keeping my fingers crossed that this is the worst I will see in my career. I still love helping people, but what i wouldnt give to be able to never see any hurt children ever again.

[Sapphire Silk]

Amina, I'm so sorry. I take it this is the story you were referring to in Off Topic recently?

Did you get a crisis debrief? Did you see your EAP or get some counseling? I think you need some professional support.

I've seen some pretty ugly things, including burns, though I haven't seen a burn case that bad. I can't imagine it.

It's always hard to lose kids . . . to lose so many

Lesson to be learned: never pack so many people into a house, don't smoke inside, and always have working smoke detectors.

[Caffienated_Caramel]

*ginormous hugs* I'm sorry Anima

[Aethian]

*snuggle hugs tight*

[RootedPhoenix]

*hugs* <3

[Seshat]

Amina,

I've been in a bad place in my head for the last few days, so I didn't look at a post that had a disclaimer like that. Thank you for putting it in.

I have now read it. (I'm in a better place today.)

First of all: thank you.
I know ER staff too rarely get to see the resolutions of their work, especially the positive ones. But you - all crisis responders - are heroes that keep our communities going. You keep us alive and functional, and deal with the cases that can't be.

I'm about to say something that may seem unrelated, but please bear with me until I tie it back in.

A few months ago, our ancient cat (18!) became severely ill, critically so. Her vet made a home visit - something he rarely does - and examined her. And we decided it was her time to die.
She died with him right there, and with her family there.

Now... these children who died in your hands, or the hands of the paramedics, or the firefighters...

... they died in contact with people who cared. People who gave a damn. People who tried their best to give them a chance, or if there was no chance, to give them peace.

They died in the presence of compassion. Of caring. Of mercy, and of the kind of love that extends to everyone.

You gave them that.

Yes, sadly, in their short lives, they may or may not have had much love and compassion and mercy. But while they were in your presence, they did.

I believe that my vet's compassion made a difference to Seph's death. And I believe that your compassion, and that of your colleagues (and of the paramedics, firefighters, etc), made a difference to the deaths of those poor children.





Take a moment to rest and think about that. I'm about to make a total change of pace.





The caring professions are tough. Hard work, crazy hours, and sometimes sights that ... well. You know better than I.

You must look after yourself, to be able to do it.

I second (third? fifth? eighth?) the recommendation to see a crisis counsellor familiar with helping people past that specific type of event.

And yes, if moving to a different part of nursing will help you, whether it be permanent or just for a while; move.

If you have a little bit of your mind going 'but ER nurses are needed', consider going into teaching - even just doing an ER specific workshop or two for a course run by someone else.



You did everything you could for those people. And you gave them compassion, respect, care, and the special kind of love that has you doing these things for complete strangers.

Now give yourself every chance to heal.

Then you will know if you can go back to the ER work you love; or if you'll need to find another of the places where your skills and compassion is desperately needed; and see if you can love that work too.

[blas]

God bless you, sweetheart.