Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

The Tow Files: Hot Summer in the City

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • The Tow Files: Hot Summer in the City

    I have an easy job. So easy, a monkey could do it. In fact, a monkey practically does do it, considering my predilection to eat bananas and bang away at a keyboard for all eternity hoping to eventually write something coherent.... but I digress.

    Point is, my job is easy, customers, they're tough. So, with a two month drought lingering over us this year, and getting everyone all prelubed to piss me off, let's vent:

    Great Big Trucks, Little Tiny Brains

    I've often felt that there's a vast conspiracy in the auto industry to make sure they never accidentally sell a Dodge Ram 2500 to anyone with a functioning brain. The ratio of legal-to-illegally parked on these things is the worst of any vehicle I've ever seen. With the exception of the 1.000 rate on Teslas, the lone one in this town was already towed for illegal parking, but any good scientist will tell you that's not a significant sample size...

    I'd like to test this theory by hiding a body cam in a camo ballcap and sending an accomplice into the dealership and finding out exactly how this is accomplished. A 20 item questionnaire on world events? An old-school IQ test? Just asking for your driver's license and kicking you out if your name isn't "Dylan" "Cody" or "Hunter"? I'm really curious.... because I've never seen any entity crank out such a steady stream of mouth-breathers behind the wheels of "Bro Dozers", so I'm forever dealing with pissed off rednecks with more chaw in their maw than sense...

    Dear "Dylan" - No, you can't park at 400 Keystone Plaza. Why? Because you don't have a permit for that lot. You do have one for 390 Keystone, across the street, so park there.

    What's that? You don't want to... because the spaces over there are too small for your truck? Funny, they don't look any bigger than the ones over here, where you should belong... OH, I see, they're angled spaces in that lot, so they're "easier" to park in so you can just pull in in one fell swoop instead of having to make a three point turn...

    Hate to break it to you bro, but convenience for you doesn't equate to legality. Pay up.

    Dear "Cody" - No, I don't think I'll "do something" about your tow bill, aside from hand it back to you. It's yours. You did exactly what it says on here you did, you parked at a parking meter, didn't pay it, and got rung up. It was a 100% legal tow.

    No, it doesn't matter that you had a permit. Why?

    That permit you have says you are entitled to park at 282 Potato St.

    The meter you parked at is 131 Sourpuss St,

    Without drawing you some tiny pictures, can you not see the causal effect? You can only park where the permit allows you, it's like currency, it's only valid in its home country.

    *Sigh* I am going to have to draw you pictures, it would appear, since you're now repeating yourself. Look, bro, you can only park where that permit allows you to, no exceptions, no refunds. And the whole reason you parked there was because "The lot was full" Well, no it wasn't, there were plenty of spaces out back. That lot is a building with parking on both sides, front and back. It can look full from the street, but it's got another 10 spaces out back that are never used...

    But they're "too small" and your truck "might get scratched"

    Uhm humm...... look, just buzz off and leave me alone, otherwise I see something else, right on top of your shoulders, that is "too small" and "might get scratched"

    And for extra annoyance points... he flagged me down on the street to have this argument, we weren't even at the office.

    Dear "Hunter" - No, we didn't break your truck's tail lights. THey were broken before we towed it.

    No, we didn't break them.

    How do we know? Because your bumper sticks out further than them, to break them, we'd have to first bend the bumper out of the way. Since we didn't do the former, obviously, we didn't do the latter.

    Besides, Slim towed that truck. He's the anthropomorphic personification of "haste makes waste". He'll never win any races, but, the last time he damaged something, anything... was...... I don't think the Earth was cooled enough to be solid when that happened....

    So, we didn't

    No, we didn't

    Okay, fine, now that you've declared an intention to sue us, have these nice paper printouts from our computer, of the pictures Slim took of your truck, illegally parked, prior to loading.

    Oh, you didn't know we did that? We do, because we're tired of people like you blaming us for damages that are not only impossible from improper towing (like broken timing chains) to damages that could conceivably be so, but obviously aren't since they have years worth of rust around them...

    And well, look at that, those tail lights were broken when we got there. And were obviously borked somewhere else, since there's not any glass or plastic on the ground, so, you lose, good day Sir.

    No, I don't know who broke them

    Why would someone do that? You ask?

    I dunno. No, really I dunno. This is a college town, "I dunno why" is the motive for a LOT of things around here, like stealing road signs, stealing pig statues, dumping paint on trees and falling out of 4th story windows, sometimes the motive for vandalism is no deeper than that for climbing up Everest, why climb it? It's there.

    So, we didn't do it, and I don't know who did, but, if your attitude is any indication of how you treat the world, I can think of plenty of people who would have means, motive and opportunity... what's the world population bout' now anyway?



    Wherein I Get Unsolicited Career Advice

    This all started because the town elders have decreed that in order to keep the "small town charm" of this burg' they don't want strip malls downtown. Thus, the first floor of all downtown buildings, even apartments, must be used for commercial purposes.

    So, the first floor of this one well-known apartment has a Substandard Taco franchise in it.

    To let the employees use the same parking lot, the reality company hands out a few unique "I am a delivery driver, please don't shoot tow me" passes.

    Since they only give out 4 or 5, employees have to get them when the arrive, and turn them back in when they leave, or else there simply aren't enough to go around. Naturally, you occasionally catch someone with their pants down and you get halfway through hooking a permitless car before someone stumbles out of Substandard Taco and explains what's up.

    Now, super-legally we can charge them for a drop, they didn't have a permit, but in the interests of keeping diplomatic ties intact, I'll cut major breaks if said employee brings out their pass and is sufficiently apologetic, and tell dispatch that the owner beat me to the car and move on... no biggie.

    So, it wasn't a surprise when I got a Subaru WRX with no permit halfway lifted outside Substandard Taco that a guy comes running and tells me he's an employee.

    "Where's your permit?" I ask, he sticks one in my face, rather forcibly, like "You just got red carded at the World Cup" forcibly, okay, whatever.

    "Ah, just put that in the car. "

    He does so.

    *flip button, car goes down*

    "Thanks, make sure that's visible at all times, otherwise I can't tell who..."

    "Get a real job"

    *internal lights flicker, sound of arcing electricity* Oh, I KNOW you didn't just say that amigo....

    "Uh, excuse me?"

    "GET A REAL F*CKING JOB!"

    *sky lights up iridium/pink, half second later is the booming report of a transformer blowing off its pole* Yep, you DID say that..... and now you've done the worst thing possible, you've angered meek and mild-mannered Argabarga... and you won't like me when I'm angry.... ARGABARGA TOW!!!!

    "Okay, asshole, now you're paying"

    *flicks button, car goes up*

    "WHAT?!"

    "Because, it's your job to make sure your permit is visible at all times, not mine. I was trying to cut you a break, but since you decided to insult me, now you're paying."

    "You can't do that!"

    Well, he's kinda right, what I'm doing just might not be 100% legal, but see, I'm not trying to tow him, I'm stalling.... because now that we've been locking horns for over a minute, his manager inside has seen what's up and come out to mediate.

    A manager who LIKES Argabarga, because Argabarga cuts breaks if you forget your permit, provided you bring it out when you see him.... and DON'T make him mad.

    Manager asks what's up, I explain his employee has made the foolish choice to critique my career path. And quote him, verbatim.

    Manager shoots his employee a Death Glare (tm) and asks if I'll trade letting the car go for a promise to give said employee a chewing-out that would make Gunny Hartman proud. That sounds more than fair to me, so.

    *flick button, car goes down*

    Not to brag, everyone's job is important, less you wouldn't be paid for it. But, consider that if you're going to pull rank on me, be a little higher up the totem pole than part-time fry cook, as I later learned. Because I'm a full-time professional pest. And darn good at it.



    Seemed Like a Good Idea, at the Time

    If you are driving home DUI, I guess I can't fault you for having a sudden burst of clarity and realizing what a sh*tty idea that is, and opting to stagger home on foot instead.

    The problem is you apparently made that decision while stopped at a red light.

    And walked away, leaving the car there, in the middle of traffic, at 3am

    With the keys in it

    Somewhere

    You don't remember where

    Now, the cops have called us (count me among the few who don't recoil in horror from the prospect of the 3am phone call from law enforcement) wondering if perhaps we now have that car, or have been called by any other of the overlapping agencies in this jurisdiction about said car.... It would seem their officers picked you up for public intoxication, and you mentioned to them that you had started your trip this evening behind the wheel, but have since done the right thing and left your car to play in traffic by itself.....

    Well no, we don't have it, but if we do get it, by call or by running into it, we'll be sure to let you know!

    Man, there's shooting yourself in the foot, and then there's jamming your entire leg into the 16'' rifles on the deck of the USS Missouri and telling them to "Let er' RIP!", I suppose it is true, one can ALWAYS make it worse.


    The Persons Responsible for Illegally Parking the Persons Responsible for the Illegal Parking Have Also Just Been Illegally Parked

    So, a guy has called us up, and wants a car towed.

    This is a bit of a problem, seeing as he's at 228 Potato Street, and the rules for that lot are pretty clear. Only the property owner may call in cars to be towed, because it's just an old house-cum-apartment where there's a tiny two-car drive, so permits aren't issued and things are left to pure executive decision on the part of said property owner.

    Simply put, in permitless call-in lots, we have no idea if we can tow the car you want towed because it may be just as entitled to be there as you are.

    We relay that information to him, this upsets him greatly.

    See, he doesn't have time to wait for the property owner to call about the situation, he's parked in, right now, by another car, and can't get out. In fact, it seems he's the middle car in a three-deep parking sandwich.

    We apologize, but inform him that the rules of the lot are the rules of the lot, and we can't do anything until and unless the property owner, i.e. - the landlord, calls us. So just call him, and I'm sure he'll call us if you're indeed being double-parked.

    He wants to argue, he wants to know why we have signs up with our name on them, and phone number on them, if we won't, when called, actually tow.

    We again explain, with as much patience can be mustered, that the signs only allow us to tow once PROCEDURE is followed, he's got to CALL HIS LANDLORD. It's 2pm, I'm sure he's in the office right now, it'll take all of 2 minutes, maybe, to get this call turned around and a truck on the way if you just CALL THE PROPERTY OWNER.

    He complains he can't, he doesn't have the property owner's number for that property, because he doesn't live there.

    Oh, so you're saying you've illegally parked then? Vehicular trespass? On someone else's land? And you want us to come down and tow a car that probably belongs there, because the owner, finding his space unavailable, just parked YOU in and walked off?

    Well, sorry pal, welcome to Instant Karmaville, and you're the Mayor. We can't do anything until we get a call from the property owner.

    Yes, I know you don't know who he is, but that doesn't change the fact you will have to find that out, or, failing that, wait for whoever parked you in to get tired of holding you hostage and leave. Have a nice day.

    And, for the record, he really IS hosed until someone takes pity on him and lets him out, or the owner of that car is smoked out of hiding. There is no law, local or state, that can help him. If you park illegally on someone else's property, and you get blocked in, you're done for. The police can't order us to tow away legal cars that may be in your way, and barring an emergency (The REAL kind, aka: Fire/flood/someone bleeding in splurts) you can't force your way out without being liable for any and all damages you cause. As far as the law is concerned, this is a civil matter, not a criminal one, the cops can't help you.

    Now, if the owner of that car is tracked down and informed of this, then it DOES become a tenuous case of "illegal detainment", but, if it takes some excessive time to find and get in touch with that person? So be it. There's nothing illegal about exercising your right to access your property. The last memorable case before this one was about 3 years ago when the guy who blocked in the illegal parker went to bed and slept through all the cops' phone calls until the next morning, 12 hours later

    Lesson hopefully learned.



    Incoming!

    Had to fight off a Helicopter Mom, and man, she would just not go down.

    Most of it was just a bit of a blur, as these tirades usually degenerate into over the phone, sounds like her kid just fessed up to her what that $130 charge on the credit card was for, and showed her the receipt, and that's when Mom went all Mt Vesuvius on us.

    Most was boilerplate, how dare we tow her angelkins! How dare we tow people, don't we have anything better to do!? Don't we know she's just a poor little girl and has a rough enough life that we shouldn't pile on by not letting her park wherever she wants?! And she was only visiting her friends anyway! And how dare we wake her up at 3 in the morning! And... wait, back up a sec.... we did what? Because according to this she picked the car up from us at 3 in the afternoon...

    NO! She's looking at Angelkin's tow receipt at it says "CALL TIME: 3:03 AM" and how dare we wake her up by calling her and bugging her, she has to get her sleep! Don't we respect that normal people shouldn't be called at three in the morning?!

    Uh, lady,

    Lady...

    LADY!!!!

    Thanks for stopping for a breath, now, as I was TRYING to say, that "call time" part of the receipt is the time the car was CALLED IN to us to tow by the building's lot monitor, NOT the time we called your Angelkins, we never CALLED your Angelkins, how can we when we don't know her number?!

    Because we didn't call her, we didn't try, we didn't even know who owned that car, all we knew was it was called in for having no permit, and we towed it. That's all we knew, that's all we thought about it. How about you stop and think and do a little reading comprehension before you bite my ear off? Huh? Because if you'd done your due diligence and kept reading, the next line under "call in" is "on scene" (3:30 AM) and next to that is "clear time" (3:35 AM) , so why would we call your daughter for any reason, and then, half an hour later, tow the car? Does that make sense to you?

    You know, When I woke up in the morning, I wasn't thinking about your kid

    WHen I went to work that day, I wasn't thinking about your kid

    ANd when I go to bed tonight, I still won't be thinking about her.

    You, on the other hand, it's going to take a strong drink or two to make you go away completely, how about you start right now?! *CLICKSLAM*

    Time for ice cream sandwiches, they aren't good for me, but they don't argue either when I bite them in half, quite cathartic.
    - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

  • #2
    As always, thanks for doing battle against those who think "Idiocracy" was a "how-to" and then entertaining us with it.

    As for "Cody" crying about how his four-wheel substitute penis might get scratched, how can he bear to take his manhood out on the road where it could encounter rocks (shudder), road debris (whimper), or actual contact with other vehicles (wails of horror)?
    "Crazy may always be open for business, but on the full moon, it has buy one get one free specials." - WishfulSpirit

    "Sometimes customers remind me of zombies, but I'm pretty sure that zombies are smarter." - MelindaJoy77

    Comment


    • #3
      Argabarga, you are a saint. I couldnt do your job. I would tow every idjit I could find.

      I wish Cody, Hunter, and Dylan's daddies would buy them beater f150s or Silverados instead of buying them a 40,000 dollar truck to start out with.

      My town is full of 'em. Plus about a dozen Austin's. They all collect at the local Sheetz and pollute the parking lot. There are literally so many of them that you cant get through the lot. It makes me sad because I adore the smell of diesel exhaust, except when it comes from these douches.

      Comment


      • #4
        I always imagine most of Arga's customers to be these sort of specimens...
        The Copyright Monster has made me tell you that my avatar is courtesy of the wonderful Alice XZ.And you don't want to annoy the Copyright Monster.

        Comment


        • #5
          Your fourth tale of an unauthorized person calling for a tow reminded me:

          Our lot is unusual in that tenants and employees generally fill the lot daytime Monday - Friday, (in theory, "permit only" but there were no permits actually printed. The landlord just kept track of license plates.) Extra revenue is collected to let tourists park there nights and weekends. Last summer, Colleague M decided he could add to the cash flow of our business by sub-letting our parking spaces to two beauticians on our block.

          Beauticians came in one Saturday morning and found another car in their assigned space. Rather than just park in another spot they decided to take action. The company who tows for the landlord would not tow the car, so one of the women called a friend who worked for another tow company, who came and took the car away. I don't know how the tourist (who'd paid an attendant $10 to park in the lot) found his car, but he did. Eventually our landlord was notified and reimbursed the tourist for the tow. He had a come to deity meeting with the beauticians, and then came in to inform our boss that he had no idea what we were doing, sub-letting our spaces, and presented Boss with the $110 tow bill. Boss is actually quite happy with Landlord, and was considerably embarrassed by the whole ordeal.

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Argabarga View Post
            I've often felt that there's a vast conspiracy in the auto industry to make sure they never accidentally sell a Dodge Ram 2500 to anyone with a functioning brain. The ratio of legal-to-illegally parked on these things is the worst of any vehicle I've ever seen. With the exception of the 1.000 rate on Teslas, the lone one in this town was already towed for illegal parking, but any good scientist will tell you that's not a significant sample size...
            The more I see them, the more I'm convinced Teslas are becoming the new standard for penis extensions. Local restaurant I frequent, has had a Tesla parked by it in front of a local computer store next door at random times for breakfast. It parked taking up 2 spaces in spots marked "For 'Computer Store' customers only", all others will be towed." Since it was always before the computer store had opened, I first assumed it was the store owner who was doing some preopening work and just decided to park there. After about the 3rd or 4th time parked there, I saw that it was just that the penis extension's owner was just eating breakfast at the restaurant, with his wife(?).
            Just sliding down the razor blade of life.

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth drunkenwildmage View Post
              The more I see them, the more I'm convinced Teslas are becoming the new standard for penis extensions. Local restaurant I frequent, has had a Tesla parked by it in front of a local computer store next door at random times for breakfast. It parked taking up 2 spaces in spots marked "For 'Computer Store' customers only", all others will be towed." Since it was always before the computer store had opened, I first assumed it was the store owner who was doing some preopening work and just decided to park there. After about the 3rd or 4th time parked there, I saw that it was just that the penis extension's owner was just eating breakfast at the restaurant, with his wife(?).
              Does this discussion mean that people who drive "Smart Cars" are well-endowed??
              Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

              Comment


              • #8
                Workerbee..

                Yeah, calling a tow truck to tow out of a lot they aren't authorized to tow from (via signage) is super-illegal around here. It's considered "Call Jumping" , and the borough will yank your license/fine you.
                - They say nothing good happens at 2AM, they're right, I happen at 2AM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth mjr View Post
                  Does this discussion mean that people who drive "Smart Cars" are well-endowed??
                  And don't need to brag about it, neither.
                  I speak English, L33t, Sarcasm and basic Idiot.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth xxscooterxx View Post
                    Plus about a dozen Austin's. They all collect at the local Sheetz and pollute the parking lot.
                    But I like Austins! Especially Austin-Healys!

                    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
                    One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world.
                    The other, of course, involves orcs." -- John Rogers

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth mjr View Post
                      Does this discussion mean that people who drive "Smart Cars" are well-endowed??

                      No, because I don't consider 'Smart cars' actual cars. They are nothing more then golf carts on steroids.


                      Based on this discussion, the guy driving the 15 - 20 year old Honda Accord with a dented up body is probably supporting a anaconda.
                      Just sliding down the razor blade of life.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth Argabarga View Post
                        I've often felt that there's a vast conspiracy in the auto industry to make sure they never accidentally sell a Dodge Ram 2500 to anyone with a functioning brain.
                        Possibly because Dodge markets like this? Icky.

                        I always feel a knee-jerk reaction to defend big trucks, because my dad had one (F-350 four door, not lifted) for many years, and he's not an idiot. We just went camping a lot, with 4-6 people, pulling a big trailer. But I guess I have to realize that he's in the minority among big truck drivers. He didn't have a Dodge, though. Always bought Ford. Now that we don't do big camping trips he just has an old F-150.

                        I'm constantly amazed by helicopter moms, were their moms also over protective? How did they get through life without anyone daring to tell them what to do? Maybe they're the ones who come in to my work and bluster around refusing to take a number, then storm out because they didn't get helped. I really enjoy that they occasionally have to pay for their stupidity. I wish so much that this applied to other things. Like when people leave ice cream in the soup aisle. They should have to pay for the product plus a fine. I swear, while I'm at work sometimes I have really detailed daydreams about this.
                        Replace anger management with stupidity management.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth Argabarga View Post
                          It's considered "Call Jumping" , and the borough will yank your license/fine you.
                          Is that just for involuntary tows, or does that also apply if the car won't start and their mechanic has some sort of "bill-through" arrangement with a different towing company?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Quoth Nunavut Pants View Post
                            But I like Austins! Especially Austin-Healys!



                            I like Austin's too! Most of them.

                            And who doesnt like an Austin-Healy!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Tow company employed by the landlord wouldn't tow because (I imagine) the beautician was not the landlord. The landlord is the cool type who'll leave a note on someone's car as a warning.

                              The tow may have been illegal because the wenches didn't have the authority to order the tow.

                              And it isn't like that lot is routinely full, even with the young man with the neon flag waving people in. There is almost always a space or two empty, and it's rare that anyone gets peevish about someone occasionally in "their" space.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X