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Sorry for the delay; really, I'm getting very lazy. 
Horrorscopes
Aquarius
You will spend all of your money on quack doctors and strange medical treatments. Have a nice life. Life is full of ups and downs and the only thing you can do is hold on tight and scream for help. You went, you saw, you were disappointed... and seagulls stole your lunch. Beware of the seagulls, they are out to get you this month and the only way to stop them is for you to wear a strange yellow hat and mismatched socks. You could do with a self-de-fuming and possibly a sleeping pill of notoriety. After blowing a gasket you will now be blocked on many phones and from many parties. Your Twitter account will be hacked on Tuesday and many people will believe that you have lost your marbles. Tip: Drink more tea.
Pisces
Have you kept up to date with the human sacrifices? Hell I might even throw in a bag of potting compost and a box of assorted cuttings! However, don't slack off; you may screw things up more than they were, before. You better get your drinking shoes on. It looks like Cinderella may get to go to the ball VIP style. Just don’t get inappropriately hammered or you may lose a shoe and various other assets. The fairy godmother had it all worked out, so do as Cinderella did: leave the party early, then you will be missed. Otherwise, you will fall asleep at the bar and drool all over your favourite outfit. Oh, and I see good financial news in your future - in about thirty or forty years, when you will be too old and grey to spend the money that you've made.
Aries
You're always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. You are going to be shot and live through the pain. You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You also smell of damp sheep and sweat a lot. On Thursday you will receive a visit from a Jehovah's Witness. Due to your loneliness and boredom, you will keep him prisoner on the doorstep til he is forced to gnaw off his own leg in order to escape. What seemed like a good idea at the time will come back to bite you on the bum. Be wise in your disguise. You may be fooled but others are not. It may have seemed a good idea at the time to eat the mouldy cheese but I would beware of the consequences, if I were you. Warning: The penguins will one day destroy you if you do not leave a sardine on your doorstep every day this month.
Taurus
Bull headed and thick skulled, you charge on in your merry way ignoring the possible obstructions that may come up. Such as sturdily built brick walls. Aspirin is generally good for sore heads but beware of taking it on an empty stomach. Your explosive personality isn't the only thing that can cause combustion! Stay away from anything that contains gasoline to ensure a hazard free week. You may not have a clue and you may not have style, but everything you lack, you make up with denial. Why are you broke again this month? Fiscal responsibility is just a rumor to Taureans, they think it's some sort of myth, like the Tooth Fairy, or something other people do that they are somehow exempt from. The IRS doesn't care what sign you are. It's probably too late to declare yourself the head of a church, as well. Buckle down and make a budget and make a bullheaded attempt to stick with it.
Gemini
Your two facedness will lead you into trouble this month, when you partake in a bar room brawl. Use cover up makeup to hide the worst of the bruises and vow to stay away from the booze. Owing to your dual personality, you have struggled mightily with a heart-wrenching decision. Frankly, the rest of us in your world are weary of listening to your angst. Either lock yourself in your room for a week, listening to Coldplay and Radiohead, or for god's sake pull yourself together. You are in danger of boring and driving away what friends you still hang on to. You need to protect your precious from solar activity. Jupiter is blocking Uranus causing a rift in time and space. The tides are high but you are holding on. You will find out on Monday that, due to a past life spent stealing that ended up in a one way ticket to the gallows, you are frightened of hemp. Tip: Try to chew with your mouth closed to attain a small shred of mystery.
Cancer
For god's sake, leave that mirror alone and get to work. You may think that having a pretty face will shield you from most of life's problems, but you're wrong. For some reason, friends are always asking for your opinion. You are arrogant and oblivious of the dangerous nature of your own advice. You are indirectly responsible for several beatings and at least one arrest, but somehow karma has lost your address and you never get what you deserve back. Instead, the troubles times three are redirected to the nearest Virgo. Don't get smug too soon tho, as on Friday you will realise that you can't afford to buy that pair of new shoes and will slip into a depressive decline. Just snap out of it and stop being such a drama queen. The enfant terrible look was fine in your teenage years but now it's looking quite pathetic.
Leo
A Leo armed with a big ego is a dangerous creature indeed. A little poke at your ego and here we go again! Another cataclysmic meltdown! Do you really have to make a song and dance out of everything? You're not on Broadway, you know. You are too busy creating stories and blowing everything out of proportion. You don’t have to invent a story about a meteor hitting the back of your head and contaminating you with a new virus that makes the tips of your hair hurt. Just take a painkiller and stop moaning. You finally get what you want this month; freedom. Sadly, that translates as your main squeeze ditching you for your best friend. Don't spend too many hours crying over it; just write their names on a mailing list for casual pickups and get over it. Speaking of pickups, that guy who tries to pick you up at the bar on Saturday is a serial killer. Do not go home with him, unless you wish to become on intimate terms with the inside of his chest freezer.
Virgo
You have no idea what you want to say. You will give confusing disparate directions, and you will explain things poorly and be misunderstood. Your quiet voice will gather like dust in corners. Yes, this month will be just like all the ones before. In the vast landscape of the interior life, you are merely a dust spec. Whatever you do and whatever you say may be of some difference to the person in front of you. However, the rest of the world simply does not care. And you know what they do to dust? They wipe it off or suck it up. Hold on tight, the vacuum cleaner is pointing your way. Your dark secret is about to be exposed. It could be as obvious as someone booking an air balloon and flying over your village with your secret spelt out on the balloon. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it; you may as well shrug your shoulders and wave at the balloon. Tip: Dye your hair and shave your legs. Do not get it the wrong way round like last time.
Libra
It is cold, very cold. There is a lot to display but it is probably best you’re not exposing yourself, even if you are an exhibitionist. Keep your assets well covered and stay warm. Some women dream of marrying doctors. Some men think they are doctors of love. The only doctor in your future is a Dr. Pepper. It’s either what you know that got you this far or what you don’t know that didn’t carry you where you should have been by now. Do not think on this too much or you might burn out what is left of your brain. You will go mad buying too many clothes for too much money this month and will wonder where all your cash went. You know, you could always try to budget rather than struggle making a budget for the first few days then give up and go to the mall. We don't hate you. We are just exhausted with your self-pitying ways. Get out of bed, grow up and get a life.
Scorpio
While you find it exhilarating to run naked in the woods behind your house, your neighbors are becoming alarmed at the sight of you butt naked with high top Converse sneakers on. Reign in your free spirit at least to the point where you don't end up with a public nudity arrest that lands in the local paper. You need to hook up with a Leo so no one will feel left out of the self-worshipping thing. Really, get over yourself. This will come as a horrible shock to you, but you are not always right. Quit fuming and accept it. Reconsider posting on Facebook those photographs you took of your last big night out. Being half naked, drooling and covered in vomit is never a good look for anyone, and you wouldn't want it reposted all over the internet forever after, now would you? Don't assume that your Facebook friends would never do such a thing; one of them is a Capricorn, for god's sake. Warning: Blue is not your colour.
Sagittarius
Stop asking random people on the street if your butt looks big in your Levi jeans. Eventually, you will stop a Cancer who will tell you the truth; namely that there are double decker buses that look smaller than your bum in jeans. You will go home in tears and, in a fit of depressive mania, will eat all the dog's chocolate treats. Why is being a Sagittarius such a burden? Why is it so much about control? Try switching caffeine products in the morning. If you normally drink coffee, try some good hot tea instead. If you normally drink tea, try some Mountain Dew. It make not aid you in being a little less high strung, but it will certainly change something. Let me know how that works out for you. Quit being so organised and obsessively tidy; it is irritating everyone around you and making them long for the day when you will throw a towel on the floor instead of neatly folding it and hanging it on a rack. Be impulsive for once; it won't kill you.
Capricorn
Locate and destroy your envy before it kills you. If cupidity didn't get the best of you, stupidity will. March will be an entertaining month for us. We'll be watching you and we'll be laughing at you as you blindly struggle thru the month. Especially on Sunday when you trip over a stray cat and break your collar bone. Your indecision is driving everyone else crazy. Why can't you just make a plan and go with it? Spending twenty minutes pondering the advantages of the various combo meals available at McDonald's drive thru is rather counterproductive, don't you think? Not to mention the fact that you don't want to annoy the large lady standing behind you who is desperate to buy her daily helping of saturated fat and sugary drinks. Your constant cravings for attention prompt all of your friends to nudge each other and say, "No, YOU tell him/her to settle down!" You have the mentality of a five year old and the wit and sophistication of a donkey.
Horrorscopes
Aquarius
You will spend all of your money on quack doctors and strange medical treatments. Have a nice life. Life is full of ups and downs and the only thing you can do is hold on tight and scream for help. You went, you saw, you were disappointed... and seagulls stole your lunch. Beware of the seagulls, they are out to get you this month and the only way to stop them is for you to wear a strange yellow hat and mismatched socks. You could do with a self-de-fuming and possibly a sleeping pill of notoriety. After blowing a gasket you will now be blocked on many phones and from many parties. Your Twitter account will be hacked on Tuesday and many people will believe that you have lost your marbles. Tip: Drink more tea.
Pisces
Have you kept up to date with the human sacrifices? Hell I might even throw in a bag of potting compost and a box of assorted cuttings! However, don't slack off; you may screw things up more than they were, before. You better get your drinking shoes on. It looks like Cinderella may get to go to the ball VIP style. Just don’t get inappropriately hammered or you may lose a shoe and various other assets. The fairy godmother had it all worked out, so do as Cinderella did: leave the party early, then you will be missed. Otherwise, you will fall asleep at the bar and drool all over your favourite outfit. Oh, and I see good financial news in your future - in about thirty or forty years, when you will be too old and grey to spend the money that you've made.
Aries
You're always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. You are going to be shot and live through the pain. You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You also smell of damp sheep and sweat a lot. On Thursday you will receive a visit from a Jehovah's Witness. Due to your loneliness and boredom, you will keep him prisoner on the doorstep til he is forced to gnaw off his own leg in order to escape. What seemed like a good idea at the time will come back to bite you on the bum. Be wise in your disguise. You may be fooled but others are not. It may have seemed a good idea at the time to eat the mouldy cheese but I would beware of the consequences, if I were you. Warning: The penguins will one day destroy you if you do not leave a sardine on your doorstep every day this month.
Taurus
Bull headed and thick skulled, you charge on in your merry way ignoring the possible obstructions that may come up. Such as sturdily built brick walls. Aspirin is generally good for sore heads but beware of taking it on an empty stomach. Your explosive personality isn't the only thing that can cause combustion! Stay away from anything that contains gasoline to ensure a hazard free week. You may not have a clue and you may not have style, but everything you lack, you make up with denial. Why are you broke again this month? Fiscal responsibility is just a rumor to Taureans, they think it's some sort of myth, like the Tooth Fairy, or something other people do that they are somehow exempt from. The IRS doesn't care what sign you are. It's probably too late to declare yourself the head of a church, as well. Buckle down and make a budget and make a bullheaded attempt to stick with it.
Gemini
Your two facedness will lead you into trouble this month, when you partake in a bar room brawl. Use cover up makeup to hide the worst of the bruises and vow to stay away from the booze. Owing to your dual personality, you have struggled mightily with a heart-wrenching decision. Frankly, the rest of us in your world are weary of listening to your angst. Either lock yourself in your room for a week, listening to Coldplay and Radiohead, or for god's sake pull yourself together. You are in danger of boring and driving away what friends you still hang on to. You need to protect your precious from solar activity. Jupiter is blocking Uranus causing a rift in time and space. The tides are high but you are holding on. You will find out on Monday that, due to a past life spent stealing that ended up in a one way ticket to the gallows, you are frightened of hemp. Tip: Try to chew with your mouth closed to attain a small shred of mystery.
Cancer
For god's sake, leave that mirror alone and get to work. You may think that having a pretty face will shield you from most of life's problems, but you're wrong. For some reason, friends are always asking for your opinion. You are arrogant and oblivious of the dangerous nature of your own advice. You are indirectly responsible for several beatings and at least one arrest, but somehow karma has lost your address and you never get what you deserve back. Instead, the troubles times three are redirected to the nearest Virgo. Don't get smug too soon tho, as on Friday you will realise that you can't afford to buy that pair of new shoes and will slip into a depressive decline. Just snap out of it and stop being such a drama queen. The enfant terrible look was fine in your teenage years but now it's looking quite pathetic.
Leo
A Leo armed with a big ego is a dangerous creature indeed. A little poke at your ego and here we go again! Another cataclysmic meltdown! Do you really have to make a song and dance out of everything? You're not on Broadway, you know. You are too busy creating stories and blowing everything out of proportion. You don’t have to invent a story about a meteor hitting the back of your head and contaminating you with a new virus that makes the tips of your hair hurt. Just take a painkiller and stop moaning. You finally get what you want this month; freedom. Sadly, that translates as your main squeeze ditching you for your best friend. Don't spend too many hours crying over it; just write their names on a mailing list for casual pickups and get over it. Speaking of pickups, that guy who tries to pick you up at the bar on Saturday is a serial killer. Do not go home with him, unless you wish to become on intimate terms with the inside of his chest freezer.
Virgo
You have no idea what you want to say. You will give confusing disparate directions, and you will explain things poorly and be misunderstood. Your quiet voice will gather like dust in corners. Yes, this month will be just like all the ones before. In the vast landscape of the interior life, you are merely a dust spec. Whatever you do and whatever you say may be of some difference to the person in front of you. However, the rest of the world simply does not care. And you know what they do to dust? They wipe it off or suck it up. Hold on tight, the vacuum cleaner is pointing your way. Your dark secret is about to be exposed. It could be as obvious as someone booking an air balloon and flying over your village with your secret spelt out on the balloon. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it; you may as well shrug your shoulders and wave at the balloon. Tip: Dye your hair and shave your legs. Do not get it the wrong way round like last time.
Libra
It is cold, very cold. There is a lot to display but it is probably best you’re not exposing yourself, even if you are an exhibitionist. Keep your assets well covered and stay warm. Some women dream of marrying doctors. Some men think they are doctors of love. The only doctor in your future is a Dr. Pepper. It’s either what you know that got you this far or what you don’t know that didn’t carry you where you should have been by now. Do not think on this too much or you might burn out what is left of your brain. You will go mad buying too many clothes for too much money this month and will wonder where all your cash went. You know, you could always try to budget rather than struggle making a budget for the first few days then give up and go to the mall. We don't hate you. We are just exhausted with your self-pitying ways. Get out of bed, grow up and get a life.
Scorpio
While you find it exhilarating to run naked in the woods behind your house, your neighbors are becoming alarmed at the sight of you butt naked with high top Converse sneakers on. Reign in your free spirit at least to the point where you don't end up with a public nudity arrest that lands in the local paper. You need to hook up with a Leo so no one will feel left out of the self-worshipping thing. Really, get over yourself. This will come as a horrible shock to you, but you are not always right. Quit fuming and accept it. Reconsider posting on Facebook those photographs you took of your last big night out. Being half naked, drooling and covered in vomit is never a good look for anyone, and you wouldn't want it reposted all over the internet forever after, now would you? Don't assume that your Facebook friends would never do such a thing; one of them is a Capricorn, for god's sake. Warning: Blue is not your colour.
Sagittarius
Stop asking random people on the street if your butt looks big in your Levi jeans. Eventually, you will stop a Cancer who will tell you the truth; namely that there are double decker buses that look smaller than your bum in jeans. You will go home in tears and, in a fit of depressive mania, will eat all the dog's chocolate treats. Why is being a Sagittarius such a burden? Why is it so much about control? Try switching caffeine products in the morning. If you normally drink coffee, try some good hot tea instead. If you normally drink tea, try some Mountain Dew. It make not aid you in being a little less high strung, but it will certainly change something. Let me know how that works out for you. Quit being so organised and obsessively tidy; it is irritating everyone around you and making them long for the day when you will throw a towel on the floor instead of neatly folding it and hanging it on a rack. Be impulsive for once; it won't kill you.
Capricorn
Locate and destroy your envy before it kills you. If cupidity didn't get the best of you, stupidity will. March will be an entertaining month for us. We'll be watching you and we'll be laughing at you as you blindly struggle thru the month. Especially on Sunday when you trip over a stray cat and break your collar bone. Your indecision is driving everyone else crazy. Why can't you just make a plan and go with it? Spending twenty minutes pondering the advantages of the various combo meals available at McDonald's drive thru is rather counterproductive, don't you think? Not to mention the fact that you don't want to annoy the large lady standing behind you who is desperate to buy her daily helping of saturated fat and sugary drinks. Your constant cravings for attention prompt all of your friends to nudge each other and say, "No, YOU tell him/her to settle down!" You have the mentality of a five year old and the wit and sophistication of a donkey.
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