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Ahhhh, the week is at an end....sweet, sweet freedom. Er, wait, no. I have to go back in a few days. Sweet, sweet parole....
Oh, you know that massive air traffic control failure in New York the other day that canceled shit loads of flights across the east coast? Yeah, guess who all those passengers were calling for hotel rooms? ><
Too Much Farking Information
SC: "Hi, I just got home and I noticed that the water in my kitchen sink is off. The bathroom's faucets are ok though."
Me: "Alright, well-"
SC: "Yeah I was invited out for dinner for a friend of mine. I don't rarely go out so-"
Me: "…ok, well I'll-"
SC: "So we went right down to White Rock to see the antique cars then took a walk along the beach an-"
Me: "Ok, I'll leave a note for the caretaker for you, ok?"
SC: "Oh, I just ran into her downstairs, she was out walking her dog. If I had known this had happened I could have just asked her there."
Me: "Right, well, I'll let her know-"
SC: "Yes, because I can't wash my face and neck right now."
Me: "..ok-"
SC: "I can't stick my head under the bathroom sink. So I can only wash my face, neck and behind my ears in the kitchen sink."
Please cease the motions of your pastry hole with great urgency. You have already imparted for more detail then I, or any other living human being, could endure about your life. The more you speak the more vibrantly aware I become of why you only have only one friend. I do not know who this friend is, but if I ever met him I would shake his hand for having NOT buried you in the sand at the beach and left you for high tide.
Customer Service
SC: "So is it like an all purpose clinic?"
Yes, indeed! Give us your sick, your dying, your household pets, farm animals and marine life. Doesn't matter what it is, we'll at least take a damn good shot at it!. Hey, actually, tell you what, if he, she or it dies inside the first 30 minutes the visit is free. Can't beat that deal can you? ( The more astute amongst you may realize that medical services in Canada are already free for the most part. But I will not let you foil my attempt at superior customer service! )
Replacements
( Kara's company... )
Me: "Good evening, <company name not even remotely cell phonish>"
SC: "Oh hi, yeah I have a cell phone on my account and I wanted to buy another and have it added to the same account."
I'll get right on that one. In fact, give me a minute to go hit the staff fridge here and find a suitable new "cell phone" for you so that I may wrap it in a lovely box and ship it by the slowest method possible. Thus ensuring it has plenty of time to….how do I put it….let the flavours blend before it arrives. Upon arrival it should be all ready to go. In fact I encourage you to just tear the box open, pull it out and mash it against your head. If you don't hear a dial tone, just try again. It may take a while for it to, er, charge up its hyper satillete signal network, yes, that’s it.
Skytrain Chatter
Girl: "My whole life has been a series of disappointments! My family, my ex boyfriend, Taco Bell-"
I too had disappointments in life, however I do not believe I can equate any of them with low quality Mexican cousine prepared by white high school students earning gas money.
Overreaction
Me: "Good Evening, <company name>"
SC: "Oh, hi."
Me: "Hi."
SC: "I WILL BASH YOUR F**KING HEAD IN-"
Me: "?! Excuse me?"
SC: "Oh, sorry, no, there was someone in the background here"
Right-o, because that’s the typical reaction when someone interrupts you: Curbstomping.
Uncaring
SC: "Who's this?"
Me: "This is Gravekeeper."
SC: "Gravekeeper? Oh yay. <click>"
….er, I'm sorry to disappoint you so. I wasn't aware my first name was capable of inflicting so much total apathy merely upon uttering it to another human. I'm touched, thank you.
Caring
SC: "What's your name?"
Me: "Gravekeeper. Since you're an existing customer I'll have to give you the number for customer service so they can help."
SC: "Oh, I like that, Gravekeeper."
Alright, apparently my name is inspiring a completely different reaction this time. One I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with.
Big Top
Me: "Good morning, <company name>."
SC: "Oh, I'm sorry, what's this?"
Me: "<company name>."
SC: "Sorry, I have the wrong number. But wow, what's a roofing company doing open this early!"
I don't know, what's a monkey doing dialing a phone this early? Don't you have to wait till the circus opens?
Right Answer
Me: "Good morning, you're paging <client name>"
SC: "Yes, that’s correct."
It is? Oh chocolate frosted goody cakes. Of course I didn't know this was a quiz. But none the less, I will not question an opportunity for goody cakes.
I can read a sentence off my computer screen. Go me!
Displacement
Me: "Alright, what city are you in?"
SC: "Washington."
Me: "Ok, I can put you at the blah blah hotel in Washington for-"
SC: "But I'm in Toronto now"
Er, ok. Well, if you catch Carmen Santiago, let me know.
I Am A Terrible Person
Me: "Alright, your confirmation number is xxxx-xxxx"
SC: "Ok, xxxx-xxxx?"
Me: "Correct."
SC: "Alright, let me give the phone to my husband so you can tell him it again to make sure I'm right."
Me: "…..Ok."
This is the kind of relationship that ends in a 4am police dog search in a field 5kms from your home for something no one really wants to find except for one very desperate man. If you don’t get that reference, don't worry. If you do, I apologize. I am a bad, bad person.
Huzzah
Me: "Alright, I can put you at the <hotel name> for $109"
SC: "Oh, no thanks. You've already done a great job. You're a wonderful guy. Bye bye!"
See that? I am full of Win and Awesome. Oh yes.
The Big City
Me: "Alright, which city would you like to register for?"
SC: "British Columbia"
Big city that one. Transit's terrible too. There's seriously like hundreds of kilometers where you can't catch a bus if your life depended on it. Not to mention the bear problem. Dear god the bears. They're EVERYWHERE. COLBERT WAS RIGHT.
Schadenfreude
It's unwise to refer to the Skytrain cops as "Sky Pigs". Especially when two of them are within earshot behind you.……and you and your friends don't have transit tickets. I however can and will watch your plight and laugh at you.
Wisdom
Me: "Good evening, <company name>."
SC: "Is this Cricket?"
Me: "No, this isn't Cricket.."
SC: "So this is Cricket? Oh, good-"
Me: "No, this isn't Cricket. This is <company name>."
SC: "Huh?"
Listen to the wisdom that I am imparting to you, for it is directly relevant to your situation. Now I realize you may not yet be used to operating the complex device known as the phone, so I will give you a tip: See how the phone actually has two ends? Ok, well, you have one end stuck to your muffin chute so that you can send words across vast distances, correct? Well the other end is suppose to go next to your ear. This is so you can also hear words send back to you across vast distances. It may take some practice to hold it right, but I know you can do it. After 5 or 6 years of practice you may even graduate to being able to hold it with your shoulder alone! But don't try that just yet, you might slip a disk.
Wrong Place...
( Ye old US embassyish emergency line...this line is only for US citizens who have been arrested, injured or killed in Canada. )
SC: "Yes, hi, I need some help. I'm being accused but I'm a diplomat! I went to conference in 79. That gave me equal status to a diplomat! They can't accuse me."
Me: "Er, alright…are you in custody?"
SC: "No, but they're accusing me. They're saying I'm a terrorist!
Me: "Well, I can't help you this evening if you're not actually in custody."
SC: "But I'm a diplomat! I need help from America."
Me: "Are you an American citizen?"
SC: "No, I'm Jordanian."
Me: "I'm afraid I can't assist you at all if you're not an American citizen."
SC: "But I want a lawyer! I don't trust these people here."
Me: "I still cannot assist you if you're not an American citizen."
SC: "Do I need to go down there to the office myself to get help!"
Me: "Well, you can do that if you like. But we cannot help you unless you're American."
SC: "Well I'll just go down there tomorrow myself! <click>"
Me: "Alright then…"
( PS. They're closed tomorrow )
Yes, because if you're from the middle east, seem mildly unstable and go on about terrorists, the first place you should look for help is America. 6 hours from now they'll have you down at the border crossing trying to lure you across with a twinkie so they can jump you without worrying about paperwork.
But hey, say hi to Homeland Security for me.
Thus it ends....
Oh, you know that massive air traffic control failure in New York the other day that canceled shit loads of flights across the east coast? Yeah, guess who all those passengers were calling for hotel rooms? ><
Too Much Farking Information
SC: "Hi, I just got home and I noticed that the water in my kitchen sink is off. The bathroom's faucets are ok though."
Me: "Alright, well-"
SC: "Yeah I was invited out for dinner for a friend of mine. I don't rarely go out so-"
Me: "…ok, well I'll-"
SC: "So we went right down to White Rock to see the antique cars then took a walk along the beach an-"
Me: "Ok, I'll leave a note for the caretaker for you, ok?"
SC: "Oh, I just ran into her downstairs, she was out walking her dog. If I had known this had happened I could have just asked her there."
Me: "Right, well, I'll let her know-"
SC: "Yes, because I can't wash my face and neck right now."
Me: "..ok-"
SC: "I can't stick my head under the bathroom sink. So I can only wash my face, neck and behind my ears in the kitchen sink."
Please cease the motions of your pastry hole with great urgency. You have already imparted for more detail then I, or any other living human being, could endure about your life. The more you speak the more vibrantly aware I become of why you only have only one friend. I do not know who this friend is, but if I ever met him I would shake his hand for having NOT buried you in the sand at the beach and left you for high tide.
Customer Service
SC: "So is it like an all purpose clinic?"
Yes, indeed! Give us your sick, your dying, your household pets, farm animals and marine life. Doesn't matter what it is, we'll at least take a damn good shot at it!. Hey, actually, tell you what, if he, she or it dies inside the first 30 minutes the visit is free. Can't beat that deal can you? ( The more astute amongst you may realize that medical services in Canada are already free for the most part. But I will not let you foil my attempt at superior customer service! )
Replacements
( Kara's company... )
Me: "Good evening, <company name not even remotely cell phonish>"
SC: "Oh hi, yeah I have a cell phone on my account and I wanted to buy another and have it added to the same account."
I'll get right on that one. In fact, give me a minute to go hit the staff fridge here and find a suitable new "cell phone" for you so that I may wrap it in a lovely box and ship it by the slowest method possible. Thus ensuring it has plenty of time to….how do I put it….let the flavours blend before it arrives. Upon arrival it should be all ready to go. In fact I encourage you to just tear the box open, pull it out and mash it against your head. If you don't hear a dial tone, just try again. It may take a while for it to, er, charge up its hyper satillete signal network, yes, that’s it.
Skytrain Chatter
Girl: "My whole life has been a series of disappointments! My family, my ex boyfriend, Taco Bell-"
I too had disappointments in life, however I do not believe I can equate any of them with low quality Mexican cousine prepared by white high school students earning gas money.
Overreaction
Me: "Good Evening, <company name>"
SC: "Oh, hi."
Me: "Hi."
SC: "I WILL BASH YOUR F**KING HEAD IN-"
Me: "?! Excuse me?"
SC: "Oh, sorry, no, there was someone in the background here"
Right-o, because that’s the typical reaction when someone interrupts you: Curbstomping.
Uncaring
SC: "Who's this?"
Me: "This is Gravekeeper."
SC: "Gravekeeper? Oh yay. <click>"
….er, I'm sorry to disappoint you so. I wasn't aware my first name was capable of inflicting so much total apathy merely upon uttering it to another human. I'm touched, thank you.
Caring
SC: "What's your name?"
Me: "Gravekeeper. Since you're an existing customer I'll have to give you the number for customer service so they can help."
SC: "Oh, I like that, Gravekeeper."
Alright, apparently my name is inspiring a completely different reaction this time. One I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable with.
Big Top
Me: "Good morning, <company name>."
SC: "Oh, I'm sorry, what's this?"
Me: "<company name>."
SC: "Sorry, I have the wrong number. But wow, what's a roofing company doing open this early!"
I don't know, what's a monkey doing dialing a phone this early? Don't you have to wait till the circus opens?
Right Answer
Me: "Good morning, you're paging <client name>"
SC: "Yes, that’s correct."
It is? Oh chocolate frosted goody cakes. Of course I didn't know this was a quiz. But none the less, I will not question an opportunity for goody cakes.
I can read a sentence off my computer screen. Go me!
Displacement
Me: "Alright, what city are you in?"
SC: "Washington."
Me: "Ok, I can put you at the blah blah hotel in Washington for-"
SC: "But I'm in Toronto now"
Er, ok. Well, if you catch Carmen Santiago, let me know.
I Am A Terrible Person
Me: "Alright, your confirmation number is xxxx-xxxx"
SC: "Ok, xxxx-xxxx?"
Me: "Correct."
SC: "Alright, let me give the phone to my husband so you can tell him it again to make sure I'm right."
Me: "…..Ok."
This is the kind of relationship that ends in a 4am police dog search in a field 5kms from your home for something no one really wants to find except for one very desperate man. If you don’t get that reference, don't worry. If you do, I apologize. I am a bad, bad person.
Huzzah
Me: "Alright, I can put you at the <hotel name> for $109"
SC: "Oh, no thanks. You've already done a great job. You're a wonderful guy. Bye bye!"
See that? I am full of Win and Awesome. Oh yes.
The Big City
Me: "Alright, which city would you like to register for?"
SC: "British Columbia"
Big city that one. Transit's terrible too. There's seriously like hundreds of kilometers where you can't catch a bus if your life depended on it. Not to mention the bear problem. Dear god the bears. They're EVERYWHERE. COLBERT WAS RIGHT.
Schadenfreude
It's unwise to refer to the Skytrain cops as "Sky Pigs". Especially when two of them are within earshot behind you.……and you and your friends don't have transit tickets. I however can and will watch your plight and laugh at you.
Wisdom
Me: "Good evening, <company name>."
SC: "Is this Cricket?"
Me: "No, this isn't Cricket.."
SC: "So this is Cricket? Oh, good-"
Me: "No, this isn't Cricket. This is <company name>."
SC: "Huh?"
Listen to the wisdom that I am imparting to you, for it is directly relevant to your situation. Now I realize you may not yet be used to operating the complex device known as the phone, so I will give you a tip: See how the phone actually has two ends? Ok, well, you have one end stuck to your muffin chute so that you can send words across vast distances, correct? Well the other end is suppose to go next to your ear. This is so you can also hear words send back to you across vast distances. It may take some practice to hold it right, but I know you can do it. After 5 or 6 years of practice you may even graduate to being able to hold it with your shoulder alone! But don't try that just yet, you might slip a disk.
Wrong Place...
( Ye old US embassyish emergency line...this line is only for US citizens who have been arrested, injured or killed in Canada. )
SC: "Yes, hi, I need some help. I'm being accused but I'm a diplomat! I went to conference in 79. That gave me equal status to a diplomat! They can't accuse me."
Me: "Er, alright…are you in custody?"
SC: "No, but they're accusing me. They're saying I'm a terrorist!
Me: "Well, I can't help you this evening if you're not actually in custody."
SC: "But I'm a diplomat! I need help from America."
Me: "Are you an American citizen?"
SC: "No, I'm Jordanian."
Me: "I'm afraid I can't assist you at all if you're not an American citizen."
SC: "But I want a lawyer! I don't trust these people here."
Me: "I still cannot assist you if you're not an American citizen."
SC: "Do I need to go down there to the office myself to get help!"
Me: "Well, you can do that if you like. But we cannot help you unless you're American."
SC: "Well I'll just go down there tomorrow myself! <click>"
Me: "Alright then…"
( PS. They're closed tomorrow )
Yes, because if you're from the middle east, seem mildly unstable and go on about terrorists, the first place you should look for help is America. 6 hours from now they'll have you down at the border crossing trying to lure you across with a twinkie so they can jump you without worrying about paperwork.
But hey, say hi to Homeland Security for me.
Thus it ends....
on the customer service section of my mental files to make some room.
Wow....absolutely no faith in herself eh? Why didn't hubby just make the call himself?
I AM the evil bastard!
Gravekeeper! 
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