Moocher is killing my relationship- LONG

[scary cary]

Hey all, this is my first time posting in about 3 years. Just needed to get something off my chest, and welcome any advice you guys can give about this situation.

My boyfriend has a moocher friend that for whatever reason cannot hold down a job longer than one month. When I first met my boyfriend said Moocher was living on his couch. I didn't care much, but when we decided to move in together I said Moocher had to go. So he did and freeloaded off whoever else would take him in. This was FOUR years ago.

He has been bouncing around couchsurfing wherever anyone will take him in. Last year he moved in with a girl who had problems with alcohol. She was physically abusive towards him, but he stayed because it was a place to live that he paid for by letting her use his food stamps. This lasted about one year, and early May he finally said enough is enough and moved in with an acquaintance of his. After 6 weeks and no rent being paid to the guy, he put Moochers stuff on the porch and told him to git.

Now, Moocher has lupus and has occasional seizures. Despite this, the aforementioned roommate said "I don't care" and put him out on his butt.

Throughout the years Moocher has stayed with us a few nights a month, usually because he just passes out and BF feels too guilty to ask him to get up and leave. I have asked BF to tell Moocher that he cannot come over as often as he does. He comes over 5 days a week and stays for HOURS. When BF asks him to leave he gives a sob story about how far he has to go, and why can't he stay the night he'll offer to do dishes, clean the bathroom, etc.

Forward to yesterday: I told my BF that I am quite sorry Moocher has been kicked out on his ass once again, but that he CANNOT stay here. I know he has health issues, but again I don't feel it is my obligation to take him in and care for him. I've asked people I know if they were willing to take him in and got a resounding "HELL NO!"

Now, BF thinks I'm a terrible person for not wanting to take him in. Mind you, BF was laid off in mid-December and I'm the one paying the bills here. I told him if he cared that much he needs to get his own place and support Moocher himself, but as long as I'm here it just isn't going to happen. I also put in heavy restrictions: Moocher is now allowed over twice a week ONLY, and must be gone by 4pm (when I'm home from work).

I've offered to help Moocher get benefits through the veterans association, offered to buy him a bus ticket to get to TX where he has one sister who may or may not be willing to take him in, and offered to provide references for him to get a job. He hasn't taken me up on ANY of these offers. BF is still making excuses for Moocher because he honestly believes Moochers sob stories. Whether or not they're true, I really don't care anymore.

What would you guys do/ have done in this situation?

[Argabarga]

Same thing you did, people like this never learn a thing unless they have to fend for themselves, they've made their whole lives about never having to lift a finger and will always try to make YOU feel bad for calling them out on it

My one friend just got rid of one of these people who moved in under the same pretenses. After the initial welcome wore out it was the same pattern. You need to pay rent if you want to say here... can't, don't have a job. Well, you need to get a job, can't, economy's too bad. I found a place that's hiring, nope, can't work, suffering from poor health. Then see a doctor, I'll pay for it. Can't, saw one years ago, they can't figure out what's wrong with me.... and on and on and on it went.

When this person tried moving in their new BOYFRIEND with them, that's when they both hit the curb and friend bought himself a gun to make sure they stayed there (no, he didn't threaten them with it, he bought it because people in the neighborhood kept stealing things from his porch, but that's when he discovered that moocher and boyfriend were very anti-gun and he did nothing to change that )

[telecom_goddess]

Sounds like you did the exact perfect thing. I wouldn't change any of it.

I really can't stand it when people keep coming up with excuses for why they can't do anything you suggest....gets real old.

[scary cary]

Thanks guys! I did feel like I was doing the right thing, but Moocher tried to wear us down with his "where will I go?" story. I've worked hard for what I have, pushed myself through school and can finally support myself. The age thing bothers me as well. I'm 26 and Moocher is 38! I'll be damned if I worked so hard to support an old hobo

[yeahwhatev]

You do not need advice. You are looking for back-patting. Honestly, you did the right thing. Bravo. I have some opinions on GETTING to that point.. but the only way moochers work is feeding off of honest people's sympathy. Losing your empathy for other people is a terrible thing. I know a few people who have let that happen. It's not pretty. Good for you that there is a balance between charity and victim.

[dboyes]

> What would you guys do/ have done in this situation?

Contact the local homeless shelter and arrange a place, then get your car keys and explain that he's headed there either with you, or with the police. His choice.

This is not heartlessness -- this is putting him in the position of owning his issues. You're not off the beam in saying that this isn't your issue to solve. You've already done as much as can be expected, and I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to take it elsewhere.

[Jester]

"Where will I go?" That's Moocher's problem, NOT yours.

As you've said, you've worked hard for your money, and if you want, you can support your boyfriend for the moment, but that is your choice. Moocher does not get to decide who will support him, he can only be the beggar that he is and try to get by with other people's sympathy, not yours.

Personally I think Moocher should pull his head out of his ass and go find a fucking job, but then, that really isn't in his nature, now is it?

[Andara Bledin]

I sort of had this situation, only with my brother.

Unfortunately, because of the way the lease was set up, I couldn't kick his ass to the curb, so we all got evicted, instead, and ended up, collectively, in $8k+ worth of judgement debt. >_<

He used to justify his mooching by commenting that I was supporting my boyfriend. Except that, well, I chose to support my boyfriend and that my boyfriend would actually do things to make my life better and not act like an entitled ass.

And, in the most recent stint, we got to the point where we were evicting his mooching ass, but it didn't have to get that far. Though we're to the point where we'll be selling off his shit if he doesn't break radio silence and tell us he's still alive.

^-.-^

[Jester]

It's amazing to me how some of these ethically-challenged people try to justify their freeloading by saying "Well, you're doing it for THEM!" This is the equivalent of some shiftless bum kid saying I should give him a beer from the twelve pack I bought for my date. "Well, you're giving HER beer....why not me?"

Here are just a few reasons:

1. I choose to buy her beer.
2. She lets me have sex with her.
3. She showers.
4. I enjoy her company.
5. I've known her more than five seconds.
6. She didn't ASK me for the beer, trying to get something for free.
7. Did I mention that she fucks me?

We can CHOOSE to give to or support whoever we want, for whatever reasons we want. That in no way justifies some douchebag bum, be they friends, relatives, or total strangers, freeloading off of us because they think we ought to provide for them what we are providing for someone else.

The above is the long version.

Here is the short version for these nitwits:

Fuck off.

[Severen13]

Moocher's health problems and lack of employment are not your problem and his "woe is me, I have no place else to go" sob stories are nothing but good old-fashioned manipulation. You owe him nothing. Moocher is entitled to nothing. And if your boyfriend doesn't like it, he and Moocher can go be unemployed and entitled somewhere else.

[Sapphire Silk]

Moocher is homeless, no fixed address. He wants to spend 5 nights a week at your place because he honestly has NO where else to go.

I feel sorry for him, but not sorry enough to allow ANYONE to freeload off of me.

I once had a roommate (housemate actually) who'd shared the house with me for about four years or so before he got a state job in the bordering state. He had to live in the state to keep his job, so he hooked up with a buddy to rent a double wide (brand new, actually rather nice, more like a house).

At the time he was dating my OTHER housemate. So he spent all his free time at my (our) place. At first I didn't mind, he and the other house mate had been dating for about a year and were pretty serious about each other (she was in the police academy in our state).

That all changed, however. He would take 3 hour tub baths; the house was a one bath. I have a tiny bladder.

He'd dirty every dish in the house, and not clean up after himself. He'd slouch around the living room in his boxers. I had friends who liked to visit, or did if he wasn't around.

The last straw was when I became deathly ill and started hemorrhaging from my uterus (pre cancerous growth). I was quite literally on death's door . . . and he wouldn't take me to the hospital (couldn't be bothered, he wanted to sleep).

Me: Fine, I'll just call 911 and be sure to explain to all your medic and cop buddies why you wouldn't take your ER nurse roommate to the ER when she got sick.

That moved him. Bastard wouldn't help me in, just dropped me off on the curb.

I spent two days in the hospital and nearly died.

My parents drove over as soon as they got the news. Doctor was willing to send me home after two days (I wanted to go home), but only if someone was with me for 24 hours a day. Mom agreed to stay with me; Dad had to go back to work.

They get me home, put me to bed. My other other roommate, John (great guy) was very concerned about me, offered to go shopping for me, get my prescriptions, and anything else she needed.

Former Housemate shows up, sees Mom (he knew her from previous visits from my folks), and says, "What are you doing here?"

Bastard. He knew I was in the hospital, and he knew why.

Mom: Panacea's home. She's still very sick. The doctor wouldn't let her come home without someone here all the time. I'll be here until she's well enough to take care of herself.

FH: Oh. So when are you leaving?

Mom got even with FH. She made him clean up after himself. She'd bang on the door and force him out of the tub. She took no shit from him, or female roomie. After about a week, I was well enough to tend to myself, and Dad came and took Mom home. After they left, FH said, "I'm glad she's gone. She's a terrible house keeper."

I was furious. I'd had enough. I let FH know that as of that moment, if he wanted to spend any time in MY house (lease was in my name only), he had to pay rent, and pay every month.

FH: how much?

Me: Same as John and your girlfriend (I charged them a flat rate for rent and paid the utilities myself).

FH: That's not fair. This is a three bedroom house. You're charging each of us the same, and not paying anything yourself.

Me: Bullshit. I'm paying the utilities. The utilities always work out to about the same as rent for John and Girlfriend.

FH: But you're getting extra then

Me: No I'm not. The utilities have gone up since you started spending so much time here: water is up. Electric is up. Phone is up. Gas is up. Heating oil is up. Plus the place is a mess all the time and I'm always picking up after you. I'm sick of it. Either pay up or get out and stay out!

He paid up. He wasn't gracious about it, but he paid up. He knew I was serious.

[telecom_goddess]

so did he ever learn to clean up after himself? and not hog the bathroom?

[Sapphire Silk]

so did he ever learn to clean up after himself? and not hog the bathroom?

Not that I know of. He and the girlfriend got married . . . and separated five months later.

I ran into him about a year later, and was astounded by how much weight he had gained. He'd become a vegetarian in the time I knew him, but did not eat healthy at all. He really didn't eat a lot of vegetables; mostly pasta, chips, and beans all fried or cooked in other unhealthy ways.

He was a slug, and probably still is unless he's learned to own his own behaviors.

[scary cary]

Update: Moocher is in jail for theft. Has a court date tomorrow.

Hope he can get his life back on track so I don't have to deal with him.

[protege]

BF is still making excuses for Moocher because he honestly believes Moochers sob stories. Whether or not they're true, I really don't care anymore.

Reminds me of when my brother still lived with my parents. "Still lived with my parents" because my mom threw him out back in February For years, he really didn't do anything. He'd come home from work...and would spend the rest of the night in his room playing video games. He felt that because my mom was charging him rent...he didn't have to do anything. He was constantly finding excuses to justify not helping her out. All were bullshit stories--I didn't even *live* there, and I'd cut the fucking grass when my dad couldn't because of his health issues.

Then this past February...he was "forced" to move out. He bought a townhouse, and supposedly "can't afford" it. It's at the point that I can't stand to be over there for longer than an hour. If I try to stay longer, he'll start ranting about how he doesn't make as much money as our other brother, how our mom "screwed [him] over," and how he supposedly "can't afford" to eat.

I've tried to be supportive, I really have. But when I try to offer advice--get a second job, quit spending so much on hobbies, etc. I get various excuses as to why he can't do that. He's of the type that he really doesn't want to work harder or adjust his spending. He really wants someone who will fawn over him and tell him what he wants to hear.

When I moved out 6 years ago, several people were wondering why I didn't let him move in with me. They were shocked when I replied that he doesn't do shit...and if he *did* move in with me, he'd be paying the damn mortgage. I'm not about to work 9-10 hours a day, and then come home and clean the house too...while he sits on his ass. Sorry, not happening.

Unfortunately, people like that never change. When their 'supporters' put their feet down, they just move on to the next one. The mooch will then drain that person, and the cycle starts anew.