I didn't want to post this here. I went to the Depression sticky and checked all the links, trying to find a suicide prevention chat, but they're all closed at this time of night.
The depressive episode that started back in December has continued to get worse. A week and a half ago, something in me just snapped. I'm beginning to wonder if it's the beginning of a real psychotic break. I feel like the person looking out through my eyes isn't me, but someone I don't recognize at all. It's one of the scariest things I've ever experienced. I can act and talk completely normally, but I feel like it's an act put on by someone who studied the old me.
I'm used to feeling sad, angry, depressed, etc. I'm not used to feeling nothing. I'm used to the pain of "hope deferred," but not to having no hope at all. Everything just seems very empty and dead.
The hardest part is, I've tried to tell people. I really have. I've asked friends to pray for me, told a few that I'm in the worst depressive episode of my life, etc. I even wrote a long email to my priest explaining what was going on (this was about 2 weeks ago, before the whole psychotic-break thing). But...either no-one can do anything, or no-one wants to do anything. Some of the people I've told are too far away to do anything. The ones closer by...I don't know. It's like they don't believe me, or think it's something that's just going to pass, that I'm just feeling "sad." My priest said that he thought I should pursue getting medication, but I have no money for healthcare right now. When I explained that, he said he could recommend some books. As if books could help. I haven't heard from him for two weeks now, except saying hi at church. [Note: I am not upset with him for this--he's going through a period of stress and depression himself right now, so he doesn't have a lot of energy to give.]
My worst nightmare is telling someone that I feel there's something horribly wrong with me, only to hear them sigh with relief and say, "Oh thank goodness you noticed, now we don't have to pretend any more," then they leave. It feels like that's happening right now. I've told people that something is very very wrong, and they just stand there, not doing anything. And part of me wonders if they're just ready to stop having to pretend to care, to be polite, and just ready for me to sink under the water so they can go back to their lives.
This isn't a suicide note. I don't have any plans. I just didn't know where else to go, and I wanted to try to get help at least one more time.
The depressive episode that started back in December has continued to get worse. A week and a half ago, something in me just snapped. I'm beginning to wonder if it's the beginning of a real psychotic break. I feel like the person looking out through my eyes isn't me, but someone I don't recognize at all. It's one of the scariest things I've ever experienced. I can act and talk completely normally, but I feel like it's an act put on by someone who studied the old me.
I'm used to feeling sad, angry, depressed, etc. I'm not used to feeling nothing. I'm used to the pain of "hope deferred," but not to having no hope at all. Everything just seems very empty and dead.
The hardest part is, I've tried to tell people. I really have. I've asked friends to pray for me, told a few that I'm in the worst depressive episode of my life, etc. I even wrote a long email to my priest explaining what was going on (this was about 2 weeks ago, before the whole psychotic-break thing). But...either no-one can do anything, or no-one wants to do anything. Some of the people I've told are too far away to do anything. The ones closer by...I don't know. It's like they don't believe me, or think it's something that's just going to pass, that I'm just feeling "sad." My priest said that he thought I should pursue getting medication, but I have no money for healthcare right now. When I explained that, he said he could recommend some books. As if books could help. I haven't heard from him for two weeks now, except saying hi at church. [Note: I am not upset with him for this--he's going through a period of stress and depression himself right now, so he doesn't have a lot of energy to give.]
My worst nightmare is telling someone that I feel there's something horribly wrong with me, only to hear them sigh with relief and say, "Oh thank goodness you noticed, now we don't have to pretend any more," then they leave. It feels like that's happening right now. I've told people that something is very very wrong, and they just stand there, not doing anything. And part of me wonders if they're just ready to stop having to pretend to care, to be polite, and just ready for me to sink under the water so they can go back to their lives.
This isn't a suicide note. I don't have any plans. I just didn't know where else to go, and I wanted to try to get help at least one more time.
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