I have no idea what to do about this

[Deserted]

So... a regular of mine, who I consider a friend as well, has had... let's say a serious health setback. The short version is: diabetic, foot infection, ER... emergency life-or-death leg amputation followed by an induced coma, with more surgery to come tomorrow or Saturday.

He'll be hospitalized for as long as the doctors feel is necessary to get the infection dealt with, and however long they hold onto people in similar situations, almost certainly followed by placement in a medium-to-long-term rehabilitation home.

Help me out guys, what the hell do I do now? This is waaaaaaaay beyond my experience. What can I do to somehow help him, in a way that won't feel condescending, or otherwise hurtful?

Literally the only thing that has occurred to me would be to pull all food from his apartment that will spoil within the next, say, month... but that doesn't really feel "helpful" to me.

[LesserSouthernFroglet]

Since it sounds like he's not going to be home for quite a while (maybe several + months...)

Does he have any family locally or even further afield, and do they know about his health crisis? If there are family, ideally you should let them know if they don't already. This is probably the most important thing you can do for him. Who knows, one of them might even step up to manage things.

Visit him in hospital when he's up to it.

Clean out the food that will spoil. Empty the trash into a dumpster (or at least away from the apartment).

Does he have a pet that needs feeding? If so, look after it, or find someone who can.

Depending on the layout etc of his home - he's going to need changes. Things like grab rails in the toilet and bathroom. Clear access to kitchen bench, bed, toilet, etc. He may well be in a wheelchair. Are there steps or stairs? Some homes don't have doorways wide enough to let a wheelchair through. Now, most of the changes may be handled by his rehabilitation team (that's what happens here) but if not, it may be something you can help with. He may even need to move altogether if his home isn't suitable to adapt.

Having said that - the amount of time he'll be away from home, you could assist by dusting/vacuuming the place occasionally, change the sheets and towels before he gets home and launder the dirties, make sure there's no clutter on the floor, empty the bins into the dumpster. Clear a wide path around the apartment if you suspect he'll be home in a wheelchair. Turn off everything at the power point except the fridge of course. Basically all the things you'd do before leaving home yourself for any length of time.

Keep an eye on mail deliveries - if he's in hospital a while, utilities etc will still get billed. If there's no family close by, you may need to sort out some arrangement to get the bills paid.

Once he's out of the critical phase of his treatment, maybe assist with taking his laundry home and doing it for him, making sure he's got toothpaste, shampoo, books to read etc.

Before he gets home, do a perishables grocery shop for him, and a final look through and dust of the apartment. Make sure he can reach everything he needs from his bed overnight - pain meds, glass of water, glasses, tissues, lamp. If possible, stay a few nights till you're sure he's managing - people tend to get 'institutionalised' when they've been in hospital too long, and it can take quite a while to regain their independence. There's also sometimes a bit of confusion with new medications, new dosages to what they're used to, so be prepared to help with that.

And sorry, this may sound really negative... but be prepared for the possibility that he won't come home. It could be he ends up in a nursing home, or it could be he may never get out of the hospital. Sorry, Deserted, you sound like a good kind friend, and I know that's not what you want to hear.

All the best to both you and your friend.

[Deserted]

Since it sounds like he's not going to be home for quite a while (maybe several + months...)

Does he have any family locally or even further afield, and do they know about his health crisis? If there are family, ideally you should let them know if they don't already. This is probably the most important thing you can do for him. Who knows, one of them might even step up to manage things.

His family is rather scattered, but I don't have full info. The only "family" locally is his son's maternal grandmother, but I don't know how close they are.

His brother is in the Los Angeles area, and is the one that had to give approval for the emergency surgery. (By the time they got to that point, my friend was apparently in no shape to say yea or nay.) I don't know him, but a mutual friend has been in touch with him.

His son is in the Air Force in the D.C. area, and is probably aware of what's happened, but I have no contact with him. (He may take emergency leave for this, I don't know.)

Visit him in hospital when he's up to it.

Of course.

Clean out the food that will spoil. Empty the trash into a dumpster (or at least away from the apartment).

Does he have a pet that needs feeding? If so, look after it, or find someone who can.

I'm going to hold off on the food a few days, at least until he's conscious enough to talk about things.

He has a housekeeper come in a few hours a week, so cleaning and trash will be handled by her. I'm wondering if she should be let go, at least temporarily.

No pets.

Depending on the layout etc of his home - he's going to need changes. Things like grab rails in the toilet and bathroom. Clear access to kitchen bench, bed, toilet, etc. He may well be in a wheelchair. Are there steps or stairs? Some homes don't have doorways wide enough to let a wheelchair through. Now, most of the changes may be handled by his rehabilitation team (that's what happens here) but if not, it may be something you can help with. He may even need to move altogether if his home isn't suitable to adapt.

He's been in a power wheelchair for a number of years (unrelated to the current crisis) so all of this is already in place.

Having said that - the amount of time he'll be away from home, you could assist by dusting/vacuuming the place occasionally, change the sheets and towels before he gets home and launder the dirties, make sure there's no clutter on the floor, empty the bins into the dumpster. Clear a wide path around the apartment if you suspect he'll be home in a wheelchair. Turn off everything at the power point except the fridge of course. Basically all the things you'd do before leaving home yourself for any length of time.

If the housekeeper is kept, she'll be in charge of the changing/cleaning/etc. All the powered things that should be off are already off -- I took care of that when he told me he was being admitted.

Keep an eye on mail deliveries - if he's in hospital a while, utilities etc will still get billed. If there's no family close by, you may need to sort out some arrangement to get the bills paid.

I don't have access to his finances, and his bills are rather out of my range. (His apartment alone costs about triple my house rent.) I'll get a message to his brother to make sure things stay kosher.

Before he gets home, do a perishables grocery shop for him, and a final look through and dust of the apartment. Make sure he can reach everything he needs from his bed overnight - pain meds, glass of water, glasses, tissues, lamp. If possible, stay a few nights till you're sure he's managing - people tend to get 'institutionalised' when they've been in hospital too long, and it can take quite a while to regain their independence. There's also sometimes a bit of confusion with new medications, new dosages to what they're used to, so be prepared to help with that.

And sorry, this may sound really negative... but be prepared for the possibility that he won't come home. It could be he ends up in a nursing home, or it could be he may never get out of the hospital. Sorry, Deserted, you sound like a good kind friend, and I know that's not what you want to hear.

Well... he's been in nursing homes before, more than once, and the most major one, which led to him being in the wheelchair, was probably even more life-altering than this. We'll see what happens.

All the best to both you and your friend.

Thanks.

[bhskittykatt]

He might need clothes brought to the hospital or rehab facility. Ask him if he needs anything.

I dunno much about hospitals, but losing a limb is a big blow not just physically but also psychologically. I'd check the rec schedule there and see if you can get him interested in something pleasantly distracting.

You can also probably sit in on some of his rehab therapy as well. They may have ideas for how you can help maybe take him out around the neighborhood, etc. At every place I've worked, family and friends have been allowed to sit in on therapies (I work in physical therapy). Of course, that's with his permission if he's comfortable with it.

[Deserted]

UPDATE

The hospital woke him up early yesterday afternoon. To say that he was unhappy is a mild understatement, but in general, I'd like to think that hospitals and the doctors and nurses that work there are aware of, and are prepared to help the patients with, the psychological issues arising from this sort of situation.

I haven't really spoken with him yet, instead getting my info from the mutual friend. My contact info has been passed on to the brother, while I've received his info, along with that of another local friend of his I'd totally forgotten about. [sigh]

I went to his apartment last night to see if anything needs doing. The housekeeper has been keeping the place clean, so not much needed doing.

He sent me a text asking me to bring some things from his apartment, and I told him I'd do it later today, once I'm out of my morning coma. (I've only been up about 20 minutes right now, and I am very much not a morning person.) I don't know if he knows how much I know (damn, that sounds like Monty Python) about what has happened.

Updates as they happen. Thanks for the support so far.

[Deserted]

I think this will be the last update here, unless anyone has a question.

I spoke with him, but haven't had a chance to visit. He is taking things in stride, and views this as a blessing in disguise (his words) because he'd been having trouble with that foot for some time.

His brother came to town to handle things for him, leaving me free to do what I need to do -- and thank god for that, because the past couple weeks, my life has been all kinds of crazy.

[Deserted]

UPDATE

My friend's saga came to an abrupt, unexpected end this morning.

He was found in his wheelchair off the road about a mile from his apartment. At some point this morning or last night, he slipped off the sidewalk and fell into a ditch. Things happened, which nobody is too clear about yet, and my friend is no more.

This really sucks. Although his health was still up-n-down, he was improving, and had been back home for several weeks.


Allan spent the 70's and 80's (and maybe part of the 90's; I'm not too clear there) as photographer of the stars. He was one of the most well-known photographers in the biz, with a career ranging from Frank Sinatra to Johnny Carson, Brooke Shields to Drew Barrymore, Jackie O to Muhammad Ali to John Wayne... The list of people he captured on film is impressive both in its sheer volume and in its incredible number of A-list stars. His more recent work involved fashion photography, blogging, and writing reviews for photo equipment.

And now that's done and over with. You'll be missed, my friend.

[EricKei]

Oh, no o_O

May he rest in peace. All I can say is, hopefully he is free of pain now. x.x

[greek_jester]

That's absolutely awful. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Victory Sabre]

I'm so sorry for your loss.