Psycho ex causes trouble once again

[Lace Neil Singer]

Background first; my fiance has a psycho ex, from now on referred to as Bitchface, who in the past tried to cause trouble for us. She has a moronic delusion that I stole Fiance from her, regardless of the fact that a) she cheated on him and he dumped her and b) he split up with her five years before I met him. Bitchface even once threatened to come to my local pub and have it out with me; she didn't show, probably cuz I told her that if she did, I'd beat the shit out of her. We didn't hear from her after she said she was getting married and hoped that would be the end of it.

Sadly, no. For you see, Bitchface started dating one of Fiance's mates, who we shall call Phil. What of the marriage, you say? Well, her fiance dumped her after she punched him in the face. Now, Fiance told Phil exactly what a sort of person Bitchface was like, and told him to be careful. Phil replied saying he was fine, and that Bitchface was gentle and sweet etc. He even asked her to move in with him. Fiance and I weren't happy, but since Phil is a grown man that meant that we couldn't interfere bar telling him all about Bitchface and what a psycho she is. He disregarded our warnings and continued the relationship; I will add that Phil is a very nice man who tends to not like hurting other's feelings and has a tendency to be a doormat. You can see why we were worried.

Anyway, Bitchface managed to behave herself for a week or so til she eventually showed her true colours. During an argument with Phil, she punched him in the face and in the stomach, and he told her to leave. She packed her bags and left. You'd think that would be the end of the relationship, but no, even after Phil found out that Bitchface had cheated on him twice with one night stands. He still wants to talk things thru with her, even tho in my opinion, he should call the police and have her done for assault.

I really don't know how to handle this, and neither does Fiance. It would be a lot easier if Bitchface was the man and Phil was the woman, but this way round... it's hard. For one thing, Phil keeps on saying he loves Bitchface and wants to work things out, but we're scared she might end up really hurting him. Any advice?

[PepperElf]

I really don't know how to handle this, and neither does Fiance. It would be a lot easier if Bitchface was the man and Phil was the woman, but this way round... it's hard. For one thing, Phil keeps on saying he loves Bitchface and wants to work things out, but we're scared she might end up really hurting him. Any advice?

What would you do if the gender roles were reversed that you cannot do here?

To me this is where... men really get the short end of the stick in my opinion. When it comes to abuse - especially domestic abuse - many people never consider that the woman could be the aggressor.

And when women are abusive of men, the men are in a hard spot to stop it. Asking for help makes them look "weak" to society. Physically resisting makes them the "aggressor" and the women can claim "victim" status.

This may also be why he's resistant to stop it... plus male or female, the emotions will still be the same

[Eireann]

There is very little you can do, and none of it is what you want to do. As you said, Phil is a grown man, and if he won't call the police on her for assault (something men rarely do when a woman hits them), he'll just have to find out the hard way that this isn't a one-time-only occurrence.

One of the things I've noticed in these situations is that everyone wants to be right. I don't mean that everyone wants to say "I told you so", but that each side wants vindication. You and your fiance know what this woman is like. So does Phil. Instead of facing the reality, though, he "loves" her and "wants to work it out". As I've said in other threads about abusive relationships, nobody likes or wants to hear that they've been wasting their time on someone who isn't worth it. It's a bit like hearing that a big project you've been working on is worthless (at work, during your leisure time, etc.), or that your ideas are no good. We take it personally, when we shouldn't.

I think most of us want to be either the savior or the saved. I know one person who has been laboring under the delusion, for many many many years now, that one day, he'll meet THE woman who will "save him from himself". I kid you not. Conversely, there are some - and I suspect that Phil is one of them - who honestly believe that they can make other people better. Nice, sweet, gentle, whatever, they think that this can happen. Ah, and then! Then they can be viewed with awe by everyone, especially those who said it would never work!

Only it doesn't happen that way. Any and all attempts at reasoning with them are met with ever-greater resistance. Giving someone advice on getting out of the situation is seen as patronizing, not helpful, behavior. Phil has a lot of issues that led him to date this woman, ask her to move in with him, and want to continue what he has with her. He'll have to deal with them whether she's in his life, or out of it.

[Lace Neil Singer]

It's just so difficult tho, to watch someone be with someone like that and be powerless to help them.

And Pepper, what Eireann said is why it's difficult. While people will be sympathetic in a case of a man hitting a woman, in the other way round people will either disbelieve it or say something unhelpful like "Why doesn't he just stop her?" Phil's a nice guy, he won't want to restrain Bitchface no matter what she does, and knowing her, even if she does, she'll run to the police and claim he hit her. -.-

[Andara Bledin]

I'd have a serious sit-down and ask him what, exactly he expects to change?

^-.-^

[Lady Legira]

While people will be sympathetic in a case of a man hitting a woman, in the other way round people will either disbelieve it or say something unhelpful like "Why doesn't he just stop her?" Phil's a nice guy, he won't want to restrain Bitchface no matter what she does, and knowing her, even if she does, she'll run to the police and claim he hit her. -.-

Bitchface would. She did that to my boyfriend and this one sounds very much like her. She is someone I don't name even though I could give her a false name she doesn't deserve it.

She abused my boyfriend for sometime, it's been over 10 years and he still shudders at the mention of her name but then wouldn't you when she tried to kill you twice and castrate you.

He told people. Police didn't believe him, medical people shrugged and said you should just hold her off but like Phil he's a nice guy.

He was rescued by his friends in the end when they realised how bad it was. They had to drag him out and keep him safe from her. The physical abuse wasn't the worst it was the mental abuse that mostly troubles him to this day to the point where he can't speak about it.

You can show Phil this. He thought she was a nice girl until she started hitting him but by then it was too late.

[Jester]

This is going to be tough for you to hear, but the best thing you can do for Phil is to be there for him when (not if) it all comes crashing down. You can advise him, you can reason with him, but what you can't do is make him change his mind and come to his senses. Only he can do that.

Personally I think Phil should grow a pair and tell Bitchface to go fellate a goat, but then, I'm not in the situation, so it's easy for me to pass such judgments. He's either going to learn what she is really like and move on, or he is going to stick with this psycho because he "loves her." I've seen this play out before with women, and have seen tragic results because of it. Feel free to have Phil read the tragic story of Tiny Dancer if he wants to know what he can expect if he stays with this woman. Just because she's a woman and he's a man doesn't mean the situation is going to be any different. Abusive people are abusive people, no matter what their plumbing.

And I'm sorry if I seem a bit coarse and unmoved by this. I'm actually trying to be sympathetic to Phils, it's just that I'm sick to death of watching this idiocy play out, time and time again. It's nauseating, it's depressing, and it's frustrating.

There is, of course, something else I just thought of that you or one of Phil's friends CAN do, but I don't know the players so I don't know how well it would work. And I can't post it here, but if you want the details, just PM me. I will say, however, that no one dies and everyone walks away for the better.

[PepperElf]

It's just so difficult tho, to watch someone be with someone like that and be powerless to help them.

And Pepper, what Eireann said is why it's difficult. While people will be sympathetic in a case of a man hitting a woman, in the other way round people will either disbelieve it or say something unhelpful like "Why doesn't he just stop her?" Phil's a nice guy, he won't want to restrain Bitchface no matter what she does, and knowing her, even if she does, she'll run to the police and claim he hit her. -.-

Indeed that's why when men get abused it's so hard for them to get help.

people act like the man can simply wave a magic wand and make the woman stop. without her trying to claim 'victim' status ... while hitting him.


I just hope he finds a way to safely eject from the relationship and find someone else who's not full of the crazy.


Barracuda - holy fuck. just ONE? I knew there were more services for women vs men but I didn't realize it was THAT unbalanced.

[Marmalady]

My brother's ex was like that. All sweet and honey pie until he was well caught, then her real character began to emerge. Not just violent, but staying out till all hours with this man and that, while my brother sat at home, unable to go out looking for her (even if he wanted to) because they had a daughter to be looked after. When she finally left that house, there wasn't an internal door left because she had kicked them all in (at different times, in different fits of rage).

I've no idea just how many times she attacked my brother, I lost count. The ironic thing is that he is an extremely strong man, and could have knocked her cold with one good slap, but he is also extremely gentle and just wouldn't have done that.

[dougall]

By the sound of it your boyfriend needs to go here it is a support and advice group for just this sort of thing http://www.shrink4men.com/

The front page is a little misleading at the moment due to a campaign trying to impeach a judge for what they feel are unfair judgments but the archives are a goldmine of good advice.

This might be a good place to start http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/03/28...k-you-back-in/

[Lace Neil Singer]

Thanks everyone; I'll keep you posted. Right now, Phil hasn't taken Bitchface back, tho he still wants to work it out with her, but the fact that she's not living in his flat is to me a hopeful sign...

[taxguykarl]

Phil has to come to the conclusion that Bitchface is bad news on his own. The more you push him the more he will likley push back. Sorry to say but this is up to Phil.

[Dips]

A number of posts have been deleted from this thread for fratching.

It's not that we disgree with the point of view offered, it's that discussion of social woes belongs there, not here.

Let's stick to offering support to the OP who is venting about an incredibly difficult situation and leave the social commentary to fratching.

Please.

It would be very upsetting to have to close this thread. Upsetting enough to issue infractions if that ends up happening.

Thanks for reading and paying attention to what you post.

[AmbrosiaWriter]

I'm sorry this is happening to a friend of yours. I had a friend who was stuck in that position (female with a boyfriend who was abusive enough to sexual assault her several times.) The best I could do was to have my phone on me all times - explaining to my bosses why I might need to answer it asap, luckily they were understanding. I let her know that 24/7, my phone was on and fully charged waiting for her to call for any reason.


I am going to keep my hopes up that Phil snaps out of it, and it will help him if you and your husband keep giving support - but not aggressive support.

ALL THE GOOD ENERGY I CAN MUSTER IS SENT TO YOU, HUSBAND, AND PHIL!

[Lace Neil Singer]

Good news, everybody! Phil has dumped Bitchface for good.

What happened is that he invited her to his place (against mine and Fiance's recommendations, by the way) to talk. At first, he said, he thought he was getting someplace, and he was this close to taking her back. She said she wasn't seeing anyone else any more and that she wasn't going to hit him again.

Anyway, she asked him if she could take a shower so he let her. While she was in the shower, her phone beeped; he read the message and it was basically a filthier version of "Thanks for the sex last night." He read all the messages on Bitchface's phone; more of the same, from different men she'd been seeing. He thought she'd just had two one night stands; turns out she has a whole lot of men she's been sleeping with behind his back. When she came back into the room he told her she was dumped. She tried to take a swing at him but he stepped back and told her to get out and that he never wants to see her again. She argued at first but left after he told her he'd call the police (my recommendation; tho I wanted him to do it for real, not just threaten XD).

So that's it; a happy ending cuz now Bitchface is out of Phil's life and now he's seen her true colours as a cheating sack of shit, he won't be having her back. I pity the next poor bastard she gets her claws into, tho.