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  • Rules for dogs

    NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom when playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that is placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

    VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. Note: this rule is under review for possible deletion, as it is similar to a cat's tendency to jump into the lap of the one person who is allergic to cats, and cat-like behaviour is strongly discouraged.

    BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark --- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...

    LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. Note: if you have a choice of water dishes, the self-filling water bowl in the small room, a.k.a. the "magic well", is the preferred one to use for this purpose.

    HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hhole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

    DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

    THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

    DINING ETIQUETTE: Always ssit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

    HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

    GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

    COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

    PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

    CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun. Note: This does not apply if the cat plays "rodeo" by jumping on your back and trying to hang on for 8 seconds. Cats need to be taught that you are NOT one of their toys.

    CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry --- eat a shoe.
    Any fool can piss on the floor. It takes a talented SC to shit on the ceiling.

  • #2
    Quoth wolfie View Post
    HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
    So true! But we love them anyways...
    I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
    My LiveJournal
    A page we can all agree with!

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    • #3
      Love "Housebreaking!"

      Chewing is JUST shoes? Who knew? I thought that contribution spanned all consumer goods. Maybe better would be "If you only have time to chew one thing before the humans get home, start with the most expensive/least replaceable item"

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      • #4
        Quoth wolfie View Post
        CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun. Note: This does not apply if the cat plays "rodeo" by jumping on your back and trying to hang on for 8 seconds. Cats need to be taught that you are NOT one of their toys.
        this needs an addendum - Remember they love when you throw your paw on their back to hold them in place and give them lots of sloppy kisses.
        Lay your hands upon me
        Like an angel from above
        Put your arms around me,
        'Cause you're fallin'

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