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Might be a good month this time; you never can tell, can you? 
Aquarius
Stop what you're doing and run for the hills! Something bad you did last month will finally catch up to you this week, and you do not want to be in the firing line. This month, you must gather together your courage and take the bull by the horns. You may have to confront a Taurus; be warned, and do not resort to shouting and calling names as you will undoubtedly get the worst of it if you do. It's time to process all the information about your nightmares. Your subconscious mind has been telling you something very important for days, and it's time for you to finally interpret what this may be. It is probably something to do with the way you treat your friends; even your best friend has been getting very tired of your attitude this past month. There's only so many times that you can turn up late and expect them to put up with it.
Pisces
You're a creative sardine. You have visions. Unfortunately not all of them are legal, or even logical. You’ve become slick and slippery but you’re not fast enough. Rethink. Recalculate. Or get canned. You wonder this month whether your paranoid thoughts have any basis in reality. Actually, they don't; you're just overthinking life, as usual. No-one is interested in what you have to say; you may think they are listening when in fact they are wishing that you'd shut the hell up for once in your life. Satan still seeks to steal, kill and destroy! He wants to STEAL your joy, KILL your influence, and DESTROY your mind. Fight back! Do not succumb and become his host. Tip: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Puke, and you're on your own.
Aries
It is an artist's job to deepen the mystery and a journalist’s to solve it. If you are not either, please do not get involved. The world does not need another useless amateur going around messing things up for the real experts. Don't start thinking you don't have any choices. You have plenty of choices. However, there's only one correct choice. Make the right choice and the world is your oyster. Make the wrong choice and you'll find yourself face down in the gutter. But then, if you do wind up there, that will not be the first time it's happened, will it? And it won't be the last, either. You will be wise to not take the weather for granted this month; that sweater you prize will shrink in the rain, making you into a laughing stock.
Taurus
Not even the most intelligent person can win an argument effectively if they do not have the right tools, and you are far from intellegent. Your brain could be compared to a walnut, but that would be an insult to walnuts. The only thing you can do is make sure you have a crowbar and a chainsaw on hand before you confront that person you’ve been disagreeing with. If you still think that you're losing the argument, then a headbutt solves all ills. Grasp the nettle of life if you must, but make sure you also have the dockleaf of life on hand to deal with the painful sting. Pro-tip: Save money this month by looking where you are going and not walking into a lamp post and breaking your new glasses.
Gemini
This week a strapping, sexy figure of authority will enter your life and cause a whole new gamut of emotions to rise inside you. But you need to be wary. In the early stages of a relationship, it's better to just let him give you the parking ticket. In any case, your two facedness will undoubtedly ruin things for you, as it nearly always does. Tuesday next week isn't going to be a lucky day for you; I would suggest staying in bed all day just to make sure that nothing heavy falls on you. Feeling beat up? That’s probably because you are. Things need to change around where you are. Take the lead and make sure it is not your brain that is getting fried this month! Stop being a chicken, say what’s on your mind... but make sure it's not that person you told the off colour joke to. Tip: Eat less cabbage, your friends will thank you.
Cancer
Good luck is hard to find this month, which predictably makes you angry. Try not to get into any fights this month; think of the poor bar staff who end up having to stay late in order to clear up broken glass and mop up your victim's blood. However, a chance will soon come to turn this all around; the stars will give you a year's worth of good luck if you go over to the lady at the end of the pub talking really loudly on her hands-free device and pour a pint of lager over her head. The world will thank you, believe me, and the Scorpio propping up the bar will buy you a drink in thanks. Here's some advice for you; you are definitely not cut out for parenthood. This is proven by you believing that the best way to stop small children from bothering you in the supermarket is to hand them a bottle of vodka.
Leo
Loud, proud, and in control; those are the words you often use to describe yourself. Unfortunately, only the first two are true; and you have nothing to be proud of. Being able to lick your own elbow won't impress anyone over the age of five. If you do not have anything appropriate to say you will please restrict your remarks to the weather. In other words, keep your mouth shut this month. Otherwise, you will tell an off colour joke to the wrong person and get the everliving snot beaten out of you. If aliens ever land on Earth and demand to see their leader, it will not be you. Our best chance is to take them to Lady Gaga. Your leadership skills are not advancing fast enough. Sorry. You also do not want to give the aliens the wrong impression of the human race; they, like us, believe that there is intelligent life out there and to disabuse them of this fact would be cruel.
Virgo
Venus has entered your sign, which is usually a sign you will fall in love. However, this time he'll stay for a month longer than is comfortable, use all your best toiletries, eat all the food in your fridge and never offer to pay for anything. Being a doormat, this is a familiar occurance. You need to start acting more like a Cancer or Taurus, but not so much that you scare away all your friends. This month is going to be pretty hard-core for all Virgos. If you get away without a bruise, double check your date of birth with your parents again. You may actually not be a Virgo at all! This may be good news, or it may be earth shattering. Hope for the result that you want, and while you wait, finally clean out that cupboard that you meant to clean out last week and forgot to. Warning: The people you hurt on your way to the top will only kick you on your way back down.
Libra
People say revenge is the most worthless of causes. Well, don’t listen to them. After all, what the hell do they know? It's said that revenge is a dish best eaten cold, but throwing a hot dish all over the person you hate comes a worthy second, especially if said dish contains tomato soup and the revenge subject is wearing white. Choose your moment wisely. Courage is to take a step forward into an area of difficulty without a solution in mind, but yet feeling that victory is ahead. Courage is to move forward empty handed while throwing oneself at the mercy of fate. This month you will be very courageous. Do not confuse courage for stupidity. And above all, do not just give up on life and go to the mall; your bank manager will thank you.
Scorpio
Stop using your training to tell lies to people. Thru mastery of particular techniques you picked up over the years, you have become unconquerable and thus exceptionally dangerous. When you practice to deceive, what a tangled web you weave. Eventually, you will get to the point when you get mixed up and can't remember which are lies and which are truth. There will be a bear in your house on Monday, and no-one will believe a word you say on the subject even after the bear claws your leg off. While you are lying in bed on the intensive care ward, let this be a lesson to you. On the plus side, you will find love with the inmate of the next bed. You're due a rollercoaster of a love affair, which will end with explosive results. Warning: Do not stand on a toilet this month; you will inevitably fall off it.
Sagittarius
Sometimes you have to give in to your body's demands. You've tried everything you can think of to lose a few extra pounds. Unfortunately, the truth is that you have all your best ideas while eating fry-ups and gargantuan-sized bowls of ice cream. Only a lock on the fridge and larder doors will help you in your quest. On Thursday, you will become addicted to cheese and will find yourself rummaging thru the dumpster outside your local burger bar in order to feed your craving. Perhaps you need to find a hobby? A hobby will also ensure that you don't have to spend half an hour talking to the cashier in your local store, just so that you can have a dose of human contact this month. Tip: Stay away from sharp objects. You will be glad you did.
Capricorn
You can sing like a canary when you believe it'll improve your social standings. But know this; nobody likes a snitch. So before you destroy other people's reputation, have it in the back of your mind that you are going down as well. The greater the voice, the harder the fall; rock bottom, baby. There are those who will rejoice when, on Wednesday this week, you finally get your comeuppance. You have been avoiding the punishment you richly deserve for nearly all your life and it will catch up on you. Try to bear it with dignity, as your karma bank needs a deposit, and soon. It is not always good to be social. Many of your relationships may get scrambled this month. Why not avoid human contact all together?
Aquarius
Stop what you're doing and run for the hills! Something bad you did last month will finally catch up to you this week, and you do not want to be in the firing line. This month, you must gather together your courage and take the bull by the horns. You may have to confront a Taurus; be warned, and do not resort to shouting and calling names as you will undoubtedly get the worst of it if you do. It's time to process all the information about your nightmares. Your subconscious mind has been telling you something very important for days, and it's time for you to finally interpret what this may be. It is probably something to do with the way you treat your friends; even your best friend has been getting very tired of your attitude this past month. There's only so many times that you can turn up late and expect them to put up with it.
Pisces
You're a creative sardine. You have visions. Unfortunately not all of them are legal, or even logical. You’ve become slick and slippery but you’re not fast enough. Rethink. Recalculate. Or get canned. You wonder this month whether your paranoid thoughts have any basis in reality. Actually, they don't; you're just overthinking life, as usual. No-one is interested in what you have to say; you may think they are listening when in fact they are wishing that you'd shut the hell up for once in your life. Satan still seeks to steal, kill and destroy! He wants to STEAL your joy, KILL your influence, and DESTROY your mind. Fight back! Do not succumb and become his host. Tip: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Puke, and you're on your own.
Aries
It is an artist's job to deepen the mystery and a journalist’s to solve it. If you are not either, please do not get involved. The world does not need another useless amateur going around messing things up for the real experts. Don't start thinking you don't have any choices. You have plenty of choices. However, there's only one correct choice. Make the right choice and the world is your oyster. Make the wrong choice and you'll find yourself face down in the gutter. But then, if you do wind up there, that will not be the first time it's happened, will it? And it won't be the last, either. You will be wise to not take the weather for granted this month; that sweater you prize will shrink in the rain, making you into a laughing stock.
Taurus
Not even the most intelligent person can win an argument effectively if they do not have the right tools, and you are far from intellegent. Your brain could be compared to a walnut, but that would be an insult to walnuts. The only thing you can do is make sure you have a crowbar and a chainsaw on hand before you confront that person you’ve been disagreeing with. If you still think that you're losing the argument, then a headbutt solves all ills. Grasp the nettle of life if you must, but make sure you also have the dockleaf of life on hand to deal with the painful sting. Pro-tip: Save money this month by looking where you are going and not walking into a lamp post and breaking your new glasses.
Gemini
This week a strapping, sexy figure of authority will enter your life and cause a whole new gamut of emotions to rise inside you. But you need to be wary. In the early stages of a relationship, it's better to just let him give you the parking ticket. In any case, your two facedness will undoubtedly ruin things for you, as it nearly always does. Tuesday next week isn't going to be a lucky day for you; I would suggest staying in bed all day just to make sure that nothing heavy falls on you. Feeling beat up? That’s probably because you are. Things need to change around where you are. Take the lead and make sure it is not your brain that is getting fried this month! Stop being a chicken, say what’s on your mind... but make sure it's not that person you told the off colour joke to. Tip: Eat less cabbage, your friends will thank you.
Cancer
Good luck is hard to find this month, which predictably makes you angry. Try not to get into any fights this month; think of the poor bar staff who end up having to stay late in order to clear up broken glass and mop up your victim's blood. However, a chance will soon come to turn this all around; the stars will give you a year's worth of good luck if you go over to the lady at the end of the pub talking really loudly on her hands-free device and pour a pint of lager over her head. The world will thank you, believe me, and the Scorpio propping up the bar will buy you a drink in thanks. Here's some advice for you; you are definitely not cut out for parenthood. This is proven by you believing that the best way to stop small children from bothering you in the supermarket is to hand them a bottle of vodka.
Leo
Loud, proud, and in control; those are the words you often use to describe yourself. Unfortunately, only the first two are true; and you have nothing to be proud of. Being able to lick your own elbow won't impress anyone over the age of five. If you do not have anything appropriate to say you will please restrict your remarks to the weather. In other words, keep your mouth shut this month. Otherwise, you will tell an off colour joke to the wrong person and get the everliving snot beaten out of you. If aliens ever land on Earth and demand to see their leader, it will not be you. Our best chance is to take them to Lady Gaga. Your leadership skills are not advancing fast enough. Sorry. You also do not want to give the aliens the wrong impression of the human race; they, like us, believe that there is intelligent life out there and to disabuse them of this fact would be cruel.
Virgo
Venus has entered your sign, which is usually a sign you will fall in love. However, this time he'll stay for a month longer than is comfortable, use all your best toiletries, eat all the food in your fridge and never offer to pay for anything. Being a doormat, this is a familiar occurance. You need to start acting more like a Cancer or Taurus, but not so much that you scare away all your friends. This month is going to be pretty hard-core for all Virgos. If you get away without a bruise, double check your date of birth with your parents again. You may actually not be a Virgo at all! This may be good news, or it may be earth shattering. Hope for the result that you want, and while you wait, finally clean out that cupboard that you meant to clean out last week and forgot to. Warning: The people you hurt on your way to the top will only kick you on your way back down.
Libra
People say revenge is the most worthless of causes. Well, don’t listen to them. After all, what the hell do they know? It's said that revenge is a dish best eaten cold, but throwing a hot dish all over the person you hate comes a worthy second, especially if said dish contains tomato soup and the revenge subject is wearing white. Choose your moment wisely. Courage is to take a step forward into an area of difficulty without a solution in mind, but yet feeling that victory is ahead. Courage is to move forward empty handed while throwing oneself at the mercy of fate. This month you will be very courageous. Do not confuse courage for stupidity. And above all, do not just give up on life and go to the mall; your bank manager will thank you.
Scorpio
Stop using your training to tell lies to people. Thru mastery of particular techniques you picked up over the years, you have become unconquerable and thus exceptionally dangerous. When you practice to deceive, what a tangled web you weave. Eventually, you will get to the point when you get mixed up and can't remember which are lies and which are truth. There will be a bear in your house on Monday, and no-one will believe a word you say on the subject even after the bear claws your leg off. While you are lying in bed on the intensive care ward, let this be a lesson to you. On the plus side, you will find love with the inmate of the next bed. You're due a rollercoaster of a love affair, which will end with explosive results. Warning: Do not stand on a toilet this month; you will inevitably fall off it.
Sagittarius
Sometimes you have to give in to your body's demands. You've tried everything you can think of to lose a few extra pounds. Unfortunately, the truth is that you have all your best ideas while eating fry-ups and gargantuan-sized bowls of ice cream. Only a lock on the fridge and larder doors will help you in your quest. On Thursday, you will become addicted to cheese and will find yourself rummaging thru the dumpster outside your local burger bar in order to feed your craving. Perhaps you need to find a hobby? A hobby will also ensure that you don't have to spend half an hour talking to the cashier in your local store, just so that you can have a dose of human contact this month. Tip: Stay away from sharp objects. You will be glad you did.
Capricorn
You can sing like a canary when you believe it'll improve your social standings. But know this; nobody likes a snitch. So before you destroy other people's reputation, have it in the back of your mind that you are going down as well. The greater the voice, the harder the fall; rock bottom, baby. There are those who will rejoice when, on Wednesday this week, you finally get your comeuppance. You have been avoiding the punishment you richly deserve for nearly all your life and it will catch up on you. Try to bear it with dignity, as your karma bank needs a deposit, and soon. It is not always good to be social. Many of your relationships may get scrambled this month. Why not avoid human contact all together?
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