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  • Steven Wright

    Perhaps they're not traditional jokes, but they're funny.

    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

    3 - Half the people you know are below average.

    4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

    9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

    10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,...but she left me before we met.

    12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

    15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

    19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

    20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

    29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

    34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
    "We were put on this Earth to fart around, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise." -Kurt Vonnegut

  • #2
    Do people who are born again have a second belly button?

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    • #3
      You don't know what you've got till it's gone. I wanted to see what I got, so I got rid of everything.
      "We were put on this Earth to fart around, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise." -Kurt Vonnegut

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      • #4
        Hehe, I love Stephen Wright! And I love your avatar, Gawdzillers
        I don't go in for ancient wisdom
        I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
        It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

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        • #5
          Quoth BookstoreEscapee View Post
          Hehe, I love Stephen Wright! And I love your avatar, Gawdzillers
          Oh, silly BE. It's always Steven.
          With a V.
          But I'll let it slide, since you find my avatar amusing.
          "We were put on this Earth to fart around, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise." -Kurt Vonnegut

          Comment


          • #6
            "I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on beaches all over the world. Perhaps you've seen it?"

            "I installed a skylight in my apartment. The neighbors above are furious."

            Much love for Steven Wright.
            Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Gallactica.
            Dwight: Bears don't eat bee... Hey! What are you doing?
            The Office

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            • #7
              Here's one of his extended jokes:

              "I got on the bus today. There was a pretty blond Chinese girl sitting there. I said, 'How's it going?' She said, 'Not too well'. I asked, 'Why not?' She said 'Things haven't been going too well lately. Why am I even telling you?'"

              I said, 'Sometimes it's good to talk to a complete stranger'. She said 'Okay. I just got back from my analyst, turns out I'm a nymphomaniac, but the only thign that turns me on is Jewish cowboys'. Then she paused, and said, 'My name's Chrissy'. I said, 'Hi Chrissy, I'm Bucky Goldstein.'"

              "We were put on this Earth to fart around, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise." -Kurt Vonnegut

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              • #8
                I needed some orange juice, so I went down to a store that I knew was open 24 hours. I got there, and the guy was locking the doors. I said, "Wait a minute, your sign says, 'Open 24 Hours.'"

                He said, "Yeah, not in a row.



                I bought a used phone. It worked great, except it had no number '9.'

                I ran into a friend of mine who asked me, "How come you haven't called me?"

                I said, "I can't call everyone I want to. My phone has no '9.'

                He said, "How long have you had it?"

                I said, "I don't know, my calendar has no '7s.'

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                • #9
                  Quoth Gawdzillers View Post
                  Oh, silly BE. It's always Steven.
                  With a V.
                  But I'll let it slide, since you find my avatar amusing.
                  I'm sorry

                  I have a friend Stephen, so I'm used to spelling it that way...

                  Won't happen again.
                  I don't go in for ancient wisdom
                  I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
                  It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth BookstoreEscapee View Post
                    I'm sorry

                    I have a friend Stephen, so I'm used to spelling it that way...

                    Won't happen again.
                    Happens to near everyone.
                    On Feasting On Asphalt: The River Run on Food Network, they misspelled his name the same way.

                    By the way, the quote they used was: "Anywhere's walking distance if you've got the time"
                    "We were put on this Earth to fart around, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise." -Kurt Vonnegut

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