How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include
a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly
enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much,
but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in
customs.
Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J
I just bought a new car and when I insured it, the broker informed me
I wasn't covered for acts of God. Imagine my anger when I looked out
of my bedroom window in the early hours and saw the Lord scratching it
up the side with a key.
Christina Martin
I'd like to congratulate the marketing geniuses responsible for naming
the new A1 motor racing championship. Now they have craftily secured
pole position in the Yellow Pages, surely there will be no stopping
them. Bernie Eccles-tone will have to think again.
Aardvark Mansell
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny,
but the poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
I was being chased by a police dog last week and made the mistake of
trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
sticks.
Stan Herschel
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning
stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to
put people off buying the product.
Mark Mayhem
Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye
Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a
crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites
are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to
spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How
long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with
this?
Billington Smyth
My boss and colleagues spend half their time criticizing me for things
I've done and the other half criticizing me for things I haven't done.
I wish they'd make their ****ing minds up.
Arnold Shoes
'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote
the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order
to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off
with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to
me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the
relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before
they both get hurt.
Mason, Rumpunter
The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll
have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst
picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the
anus. That's not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain
's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My
God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished,
not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law
abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees.
Hugie Dixon, West Drayton
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are
living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I
wish they'd make their minds up.
John
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial
says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan
.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife
naked. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
Anon
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road .
Alan J., London
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should
get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include
a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly
enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much,
but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in
customs.
Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J
I just bought a new car and when I insured it, the broker informed me
I wasn't covered for acts of God. Imagine my anger when I looked out
of my bedroom window in the early hours and saw the Lord scratching it
up the side with a key.
Christina Martin
I'd like to congratulate the marketing geniuses responsible for naming
the new A1 motor racing championship. Now they have craftily secured
pole position in the Yellow Pages, surely there will be no stopping
them. Bernie Eccles-tone will have to think again.
Aardvark Mansell
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny,
but the poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
I was being chased by a police dog last week and made the mistake of
trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
sticks.
Stan Herschel
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning
stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to
put people off buying the product.
Mark Mayhem
Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye
Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a
crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites
are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to
spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How
long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with
this?
Billington Smyth
My boss and colleagues spend half their time criticizing me for things
I've done and the other half criticizing me for things I haven't done.
I wish they'd make their ****ing minds up.
Arnold Shoes
'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote
the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order
to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off
with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to
me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the
relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before
they both get hurt.
Mason, Rumpunter
The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll
have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst
picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the
anus. That's not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain
's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My
God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished,
not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law
abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees.
Hugie Dixon, West Drayton
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are
living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I
wish they'd make their minds up.
John
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial
says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan
.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife
naked. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
Anon
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road .
Alan J., London
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should
get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London
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