The Greatest Thing I've Ever Attempted...

[Jester]

So I need your advice on something related to this.

Now that Abbey has given her approval for us to go ahead, I've slowly been telling my friends about this. And I shall continue to do so.

However, I have not yet talked to my Mom about this. I want to tell her, but I'm torn, thinking it might be better to wait until I find out if this is actually a possibility or not.

So, should I once again shock my 76 year old mother with yet another crazy thing I'm doing with my life, not knowing if it will, or even can, actually happen?

Or should I wait to tell her about her most unlikely of granddaughters until things are clearer?

Keep in mind, I am quite sure that one or both of my sisters will criticize, condemn, or minimalize this, but frankly, I don't give a flying fuck what they think. Once I've told my my parents, and more specifically my mother (my stepfather is a pretty cool dude, so I'm not overly worried about him at all), then everyone can know, and judge me however they want to. But that is not my concern. Mom is.

So....thoughts?

[Andara Bledin]

I think, were I in such a situation, that I would rather tell my mother sooner than later.

^-.-^

[BroSCFischer]

I think, were I in such a situation, that I would rather tell my mother sooner than later.

^-.-^

Agreed. Let her know this is something you are actively pursuing, but that it might fall through due to (whatever).

She may be able to help you out, especially with the AZ side of things.

SC

[Jester]

So far the votes are 2-1 in favor of telling Mom sooner rather than later, with my friend Cat stressing I should wait until I know more. Anyone else want to comment? I am open to all suggestions. Even the weirder ones. (Hello....it's ME.)



*Amusingly, when I was telling Cat about this whole thing, as I set it up, telling her how Dragon had been my niece for so long, how I've known her since she was 6, etc., I could hear Cat's vocal inflections, and immediately knew what she was thinking. "No, darlin', it's not THAT. It's something completely different, something cool, and something you didn't see coming." She was thinking something sexual, and I was right...she so did not see the actual news coming at all. LOL!

[AccountingDrone]

So far the votes are 2-1 in favor of telling Mom sooner rather than later, with my friend Cat stressing I should wait until I know more. Anyone else want to comment? I am open to all suggestions. Even the weirder ones. (Hello....it's ME.)

I think you should wait a bit. I could see your mum getting all excited at the idea of a grandkid [even one old enough to send off to college instead of nursery school] and then being disappointed [ghu forbid] if it can not be accomplished.

I still think it is a great idea. Even if it can not be done legally, you both know the depth of feelings going on. That counts for a hell of a lot.

[Jester]

I think you should wait a bit. I could see your mum getting all excited at the idea of a grandkid [even one old enough to send off to college instead of nursery school] and then being disappointed [ghu forbid] if it can not be accomplished.

This actually made me laugh. Probably because my mom is definitely not the standard issue mom. I don't see her getting excited about a grandkid at all, at least not in this way, so much as confused, concerned, and worried about my mental and financial state. Now, were I married and expecting a child, I could see my mom getting a little excited about it. And this is not a knock on my mom, mind you. She's a wonderful lady, she really is, but she has never, and I mean not once, badgered any of the three of us for grandkids, or even brought it up at all. (I DID say she's not a standard issue mom, did I not?)

But, as this clearly would not be a standard issue grandchild, not to mention one that she has never met, knowing my mom as I do, again, I just see her scratching her head, turning to my stepfather, and saying "What the heck is my son doing THIS time?!??!"

Now, I DO believe that, if this all becomes a reality, and my mom gets a chance to meet Dragon, which I do want to happen, as long as Mom sees that both Dragon and I are happy about this, she will be, too. Of course, I still have to get to the point of convincing my mom about this, AND of making it happen, AND of somehow using my limited financial resources to get myself from Florida to Arizona as well as getting my even poorer niece from Texas to Arizona at the same time. No easy feat, that.

And, back at square one, wondering precisely when I am going to tell my mom about all this. And the vote is deadlocked at 2-2 between telling her upfront or waiting a bit. Wheee!

[PawnPrincess Ardra]

I'd like to weigh in, even though I'm pretty much an outsider here. I say tell her. You've already stated that you've made up your mind, and from what I've read so has Dragon. So, for all intents and purposes you ARE her Dad. Who cares about a damn piece of paper, she's your daughter in your heart. There are a lot of fathers on paper that are NOT Dad's at all, this is special, and I really think it should be shared with the ones you love.

Yeah, I realize the paper is important. But your heart is infinitely more important than that paper. JMO.

[Treasure]

I think you should tell your mom...

1 - she's used to you being weird (hey, she's YOUR mom)
2 - your mom is no spring chicken, and the whole process could take a WHILE.... (*ahem*)
3 - you telling everybody else you've decided hinges on when you tell your mom, but it is something that is SO important to you, that you kinda want to stand on top of a tall building and shout to the world "I'm going to be a DAD!" and you're forcing yourself to bottle that excitement up - and not being able to spew it like shaken up (cheap) champagne is going to frustrate and depress you.... so tell your mom, for the sake of your own sanity.

[42_42_42]

I think you should tell her. As a PP stated, with or without the paper, you Dragon's Dad and she's your Daughter, because that's how you've chosen to define your relationship (in chusing to recognize what was already basically in effect).

Hope you followed that convoluted sentence there....


Speaking of non-standard issue moms, my MIL *loves* babies and small children, absolutely adores them, *but* she absolutely does not want me and hubby to have children. Her reason is chiefly that "all first marriages end in divorce," so, even though we've been together for almost 10 years and married over 9, since it's our first marriage, we *will* be getting a divorce at some point in the future (so not going to happen) and then hubby can have kids with his 2nd, "real" wife, who, will, presumably, be someone she approves of, unlike me (because, according to her I'm not a "nice girl from [our town]").

Sorry. Not trying to derail your thread here....

[BrenDAnn]

First, congrats to you and Dragon. This will probably be the most amazing thing you've ever done for either of you. That said, yes, tell your mom, if for no other reason than to give her time to process things. If you explain it to her as clearly and concisely as you did us, it might help her understand it more. Whatever your decision, good luck with the legalities, but, as others have said, if it doesn't go through, you're still "Dad" to her!

[Jester]

So I talked to Mom today. As I figured, she was a bit confused by the whole thing, but seemed rather supportive. And will be talking to Stepdad later, though I thought I'd give her a bit of help by sending him an email explaining a lot of it, more even than I explained to her (they basically share an email address, as they never really do much on the computer, so she'll be able to read the parts I missed while talking to her, and actually told her to check it out specifically for that).

I told Mom I look forward to the day she and Stepdad can meet Dragon, and that hopefully it will be sooner than later, though of course the logistics are kind of hairy. (Key West, Houston, Phoenix....)

In the end, Mom said, as I figured she probably would, "if this is what makes you and [Dragon] happy, who am I to oppose it?" Or something along those lines.

As I've said many times before, my mom is amazingly cool.

I have not yet told either of my sisters, and don't plan on doing so quite yet. Partly because I don't feel like explaining it to them until I've gotten further in the process, and partly because, frankly, I really don't feel like dealing with whatever shit either of them may give me...though at this point in life, I never know which one is going to be cool and mellow, and which one is going to be a raging shitbeast. They seem to take random turns at both, actually.

I'd like to weigh in, even though I'm pretty much an outsider here. I say tell her.

Yeah, I realize the paper is important. But your heart is infinitely more important than that paper.

Two things I feel I must point out.
1. I never had any thought of NOT telling Mom. It wasn't a matter of IF, only of WHEN.
2. Neither Dragon nor I are overly attached to that paper. Whatever happens, happens. We know the reality of it, even if no one else would understand.

...it is something that is SO important to you, that you kinda want to stand on top of a tall building and shout to the world "I'm going to be a DAD!" and you're forcing yourself to bottle that excitement up - and not being able to spew it like shaken up (cheap) champagne is going to frustrate and depress you.... so tell your mom, for the sake of your own sanity.

To be fair, I have told some of my friends, but not all of them, not even all the close ones yet, and have told none of my coworkers, and none of my family....yet. That is not to say I won't....merely that I am biding my time. Yes, certain people I just couldn't wait to tell...but I am no longer going mad by NOT telling people, if that makes sense.

Sorry. Not trying to derail your thread here....

Oh, no worries. How could I criticize someone for going off on a (semi-related) tangent when I have been known to go off on so many wild tangents myself in other people's threads? It's not like you threadjacked and started talking about the upcoming UFC fight or anything!

[Akasa]

Aww Jester I'm tearing up!

[Jester]

Confession time: last night I had a bit of an emotional breakdown, completely doubting this whole idea and whether or not I was the right man for this job. Even though, of course, I am the man who's been doing this job for years anyway. Hush...logic has nothing to do with emotions, you know that. And I suppose the large amount of beer I had last night didn't help. But honestly, this was bound to happen eventually. It had been building up for a while, I think. In any case, a few people on chat saw a bit of it, but two awesome friends of mine on facebook got the full brunt of it, and kept me sane, and got me back on track, past this mini crisis.

Many beers were drank, many tears were shed, many lingering doubts were exposed.

The beers have been processed, the tears dried, and the doubts taken out back and summarily executed.

The fact is, whether or not I think I can be a good dad is a moot question. I HAVE been a good dad. For the better part of 12 years. And if I'm not the man for this job, well, this job would go unfilled, as no one else has ever done this job for Dragon.

And doubts and concerns aside, I'm going to be honest, as I blatantly rip off the Army's old slogan....this is not really a job, it's one hell of an adventure!

What? Did you really think that Dragon was in any way NORMAL? She's MY niece. My daughter, if you will. Of course she's completely out of the box. Hell, she wouldn't be able to find the box if you gave her the exact GPS coordinates for it. And if she did somehow find it, she wouldn't recognize it as a box, but would instead probably make something completely unboxlike out of it. Like, say, a Maserati.

Yeah, still working through a lot of this. (Can ya tell?) But it's all good. The crisis was averted, and the doubts are dead and buried in unmarked graves. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, and may the gods have mercy on her boyfriends, as I certainly won't.

(For fans of Master Chef, you know that look that Joe gives that makes the contestants shake in their shoes? Yeah, that's very comparable to my Death Glare (patent #4651561165684), which the better boyfriends usually avoid for the most part, and the lesser boyfriends....well, let's just say that there are some guys out there that are probably still in therapy because of that. And that is something I take great pride in.

Life is good.

[AccountingDrone]

(For fans of Master Chef, you know that look that Joe gives that makes the contestants shake in their shoes? Yeah, that's very comparable to my Death Glare (patent #4651561165684), which the better boyfriends usually avoid for the most part, and the lesser boyfriends....well, let's just say that there are some guys out there that are probably still in therapy because of that. And that is something I take great pride in.

Life is good.

I would love to be in the bar the first time she is sitting there waiting for you to get off work some evening [after she is legal] and some idiot tries to hit on her...by the old method of sending her a drink

[Jester]

Actually, this has already happened. And it happened 6 years ago. And those of you who are quick with math will realize that that means she was 12 at the time.

I told this story when it happened on this site (I think), but it is too good not to share again, and many of you probably haven't read it.

For whatever reason, Dragon and I were out and about running errands (she lived in Key West her whole live until 4 years ago). Since it was a rather toasty day out, we stopped at a local watering hole to get a couple drinks--a Corona for me, a Coke for her. This particular watering hole, while a dive, also had an arcade at the time, so didn't really have an issue with minors being there, especially if they were well-behaved and with an adult, both of which she was.

Well, I notice this one dude looking our way and talking earnestly with his friends, and hear at least one of his friends say, "dude, she's underage, man!" Finally, the dude's female friend comes over and asks if Dragon would like to play him in pool. Dragon and I are both amused, as we both know what is going on, though I may have had to clue Dragon in a bit, not sure (this WAS six years ago!). Anyway, Dragon or myself told the female friend that if the Cowardly Suitor wanted to play Dragon in pool, he should probably ask her himself. So, she heads back over the the group, and after much urgent whispering, CS comes towards us. I am trying desperately not to laugh. I keep a straight face...barely.

CS asks Dragon if she would like to play him in pool. They start talking, and all this time, I notice three things. 1. CS is very drunk. 2. CS is flirting blatantly with Dragon. 3. CS clearly has no idea how old Dragon is. To be (only minimally fair) to CS, while she doesn't quite look her age now, she looked at 12 about the way she looks now, so actually looked slightly older than she was. As in, MAYBE 14.

At one point I ask CS how old he is, and he says he is 26. I am still struggling not to laugh. Finally, after some conversation, I ask CS if he knows how old Dragon is. "I dunno...21, 22?" His friends are watching this intently, because every one of them, apparently, had told him he was out of his mind. "No dude, sorry, she's not that old." "Well, how old is she?" "Twelve."

His face went through approximately the following phases:















Meanwhile, his friends looked more like this:



So, being good-natured (and knowing my niece was LOVING this), we hung out with the folks for a few, and Dragon even played him a few games of pool, beating him in several. And his friends were so relentless in dogging him about this, I almost didn't have to get in on the act.

Almost.

Because at one point, he made the mistake of saying, "Yeah, I'm an idiot. I hit on a 12 year old."

To which I couldn't resist saying, "No, you didn't. It's far worse than that. You had your friend hit on a 12 year old for you. That's far more pathetic."

Yeah, I'm evil. What's your point?

As for Dragon, she told her friends in school the very next day that a 26 year old had hit on her in a bar. Naturally, none of them believed her....but I was a witness!

And the guy was so drunk and so lame, that I actually didn't have to break out the Death Glare. Sometimes, it's just too easy.