And Out to the Squad Car You Go, Asshole!

[Kittykat]

The only thing I've ever stolen in my life, was a piece of gum when I was 5. Boy, my mom tore my behind up, made me go back to the store, and paid for it while making me apologize. I just don't get it.

[Mike Taylor]

Ve's gettink pretty far off de topic, yah? Let'z tolk about de not-so-schmott guy goink in de paddy vaggon.

Oh, ve hef schpecial plans for dis guy. Mama Gkika hes a nize frilly dress chust for him!

[Mike Taylor]

The only thing I've ever stolen in my life, was a piece of gum when I was 5. Boy, my mom tore my behind up, made me go back to the store, and paid for it while making me apologize. I just don't get it.

It's ego mixed with an inability to forsee the consequences of getting caught.

[Gilhelmi]

Oh, ve hef schpecial plans for dis guy. Mama Gkika hes a nize frilly dress chust for him!

Hey now, Vy schould de schtupeed guy get de frilly dresses? Hy like dresses too und my het iz nizer!

Hy agree Mama vould schtraiten him out tough.

[XCashier]

The only thing I've ever stolen in my life, was a piece of gum when I was 5. Boy, my mom tore my behind up, made me go back to the store, and paid for it while making me apologize. I just don't get it.

Dat's because you modder vas schmot, und didn' vant hyu to become a tief!

Seriously, glad that thief was caught. One less nogoodnik on the streets is always a positive thing.

[Jay 2K Winger]

Hey now, Vy schould de schtupeed guy get de frilly dresses? Hy like dresses too und my het iz nizer!

Hy agree Mama vould schtraiten him out tough.

Mama? Schtraighten somevun out? Hy tinkin she'd be bendink him out more. She's got dot beeg rack.

...not dat vun! De one she getz from da Screamink Loon, de Mauve Heterodyne.

[Jester]

Turned out they had busted a guy trying to shoplift gloves and things from them, and when they patted him down they found a bunch of purloined red meat and razor cartridges as well. So in the end, he got hit with multiple charges of petty theft and was trespassed from both stores for life.

Dese pipple chust never learn, do dey? Sadly, vunce a bad tief, alvays a bad tief.

There are a surprising number of people who'll hit up our store or theirs, manage to get away somehow, and then decide to try their luck unsuccessfully at the other.

The bad thieves are actually taking a page from the play book of the good thieves. They're just playing it wrong. A good thief can often hit multiple locations without anyone being he wiser. These are clearly the bad thieves, because they got caught.

I speak from experience in my teenage years, where I was a very, very good thief. Though stealing perishable food items seems astonishingly stupid, and would have seemed so even to my young 13-year-old mind.

[Geek King]

I speak from experience in my teenage years, where I was a very, very good thief. Though stealing perishable food items seems astonishingly stupid, and would have seemed so even to my young 13-year-old mind.

Heh. This sounds like something out of The Stainless Steel Rat series, when Slippery Jim DeGritz goes to jail to learn the art of thievery, but realizes that only the people bad at thievery are in there.

[prjkt]

My sister used to steal fruit on her way to school

Biggest achievement was a pineapple

[gerund]

My sister used to steal fruit on her way to school

Biggest achievement was a pineapple

That's rough!

[Jester]

Heh. This sounds like something out of The Stainless Steel Rat series, when Slippery Jim DeGritz goes to jail to learn the art of thievery, but realizes that only the people bad at thievery are in there.

Pretty much true.

Foot in Mouth Department: my friend Slippery Fingers, a fellow magician, was doing his close up act one night, and was talking to this one guy. The guy told SF that he had been a Marine in Iraq, and had received several Purple Hearts. Without thinking, SF said, "Well apparently you weren't very good at your job--you kept getting shot." As soon as the words were out of his mouth, SF realized the complete fuckitude of what he'd just said, but luckily for him, the Marine, who could have easily squashed SF like a bug, just laughed.

[XCashier]

My sister used to steal fruit on her way to school

Biggest achievement was a pineapple

Not exactly something you can nosh on and destroy the evidence on the way to school...