To be Jeremied (from the archives)

[Rapscallion]

There's a new verb in town - to be Jeremied.

I've mentioned Jeremy before - pronounced Jeremayyyyy. He has a loud voice and "TALKS LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME." He house-sits for a customer of ours every so often, and he's a character.

Not just a character, but a pain in the bum, I should say. He managed to stop three customers from shopping while telling us to have a Happy Easter yesterday. He's often on the parade half an hour before we arrive, and he his manners and voice get underneath everyone's skin in a bad way. He's a character.

This morning, we arrived at the shop quite a bit earlier than normal. I settled down across the two front seats of the van for a doze - I tend to do this until we start getting the shop ready just after seven am. You know how it is - you can doze away happily, dreamily ignoring the radio...

BANG!

I started, blinking and staring around to see what had hit the van. I could see nothing. It had sounded like a hand hitting the van, so I suspected the milkman - he happens to be of a hand-banging bent.

He wasn't in sight, so I craned my neck, staring through all windows.

Nothing. Rear-view mirrors? Wing mirrors? Nothing.

Jeremy's face loomed through the driver's window.

"Aaargh!" I shrieked, and I admit this without shame. To see Jeremy shortly after waking up is near enough to loosen the bowels.

He's single, oddly enough.

He gesticulated at me and mouthed something. I assumed he wanted something, but wasn't taking the darkness of the shop, the closed sign, and the fact that I was asleep as a hint that he wasn't going to get anything. (The Boss had gone into the back of the shop to doze on the freezer).

I staggered into the newsagent's to see K, the proprietor. "I've been Jeremied," I wailed. He looked at me curiously and let me explain.

"That's nothing," he said. He began to explain what Jeremy had done the previous day.

"MY FATHER'S VERY ILL," Jeremy said, a mere three inches from K's face. "HE'S BEEN CONSTIPATED FOR A WEEK, NOW, POOR MAN. IT'S ALL DOWN TO HIS PROSTATE CANCER, YOU SEE."

"Do you mind?" K asked, pointing at his dinner. "I'm trying to eat, here."

He eyed the other customers in the shop nervously. Some were beginning to show signs of buggering off.

Contrary to popular opinion, Jeremy does have social skills. They're just crap, that's all.

"OH - I'M SORRY," he bellowed. "ANYWAY, THE NURSES HAD TO..." he continued.

Next time that customer is on holiday, K says, he's stopping her papers so the bugger cannot come in. He doesn't care how much offence he causes, and he doesn't care if he loses the account or not. He's getting rid.

We're all getting Jeremied.

************************

Doctors know that some diseases can disappear for some time, only to re-occur some time later. Such a disease is Jeremy.
Once again, we arrived at the shop well before we would normally start to get ready.

Jeremy, and I am pieceing these details together after the event, arrived at about 6:35 am. He got a paper, apparently in a subdued manner, and then his gaze took in the van in front of the shop. He noted the darkened lights, the sign that said 'Closed', and the sleeping Rapscallion in the front seat of the van.

"I KNOW I SHOULDN'T COME IN AT THIS TIME OF MORNING," he bellowed as he went into the shop through the back door, scaring the Boss rigid.

The front door to the shop is closed, and the sign says closed. Jeremy logic dictates that the back door is therefore acceptable.

***********

"The North wind doth blow,
And we shall have snow,
And what shall the poor Boss do then?"

The answer the the above (if you recognise the original then award yourself ten points) is he buggers off on holiday, leaving the intrepid Rapscallion in charge of the shop for two weeks. Today was the first day.

I got Jeremied.

Jeremy (pronounced 'Jerraymay' with the 'J' as in the start of Dr Zhivago) is a character. He's larger and louder than life. I have mentioned him before, and his most recent accomplishment was to ask for a 'loose of sausages'.

I was scrabbling for my loose change in the newsagent's when he burst in. "ARE YOU OPEN NEXT DOOR?" he bellowed.

The newsagent and I exchanged glances. "The Glamorous Assistant is in," I told him.

"I'LL GO SEE HER, THEN," Jeremy said.

"I'll stay here for a while," I told the newsagent.

"I'll put the kettle on," he offered.

When I returned to my place, Jeremy was chatting away on our phone, inviting someone to breakfast. "I'M TRYING TO DO YOU A FAVOUR," he bellowed at the handset.

"I couldn't very well tell him 'no' when he asked," the Glamorous Assistant whispered.

"Bloody could," I replied.

"I'LL HAVE SOME CHEESE," Jeremy decided, wandering behind the counters without any particular note of permission. He grabbed the first piece of cheese he could find - huzzah for shrinkwrap! - and put it on the scales. His face showed childlike bafflement until he realised that scales are rarely turned on at half past seven in the morning. He wandered off.

"Which cheese is that?" I asked.

"I DON'T KNOW!" he replied. "I'LL HAVE THAT PIECE, THOUGH."

"I need to know which variety it is for the price," I protested.

"I ONLY LIKE WHITE CHEESE," he said, peering. "IT LOOKS LIKE WENSLEYDALE."

"It also looks like Lancashire and Cheshire," I told him.

After much bellowing and pointing, I used deduction to work out that it was indeed Wensleydale. The fact that there was none left in the display had something to do with it.

I phoned the Boss up, hoping that he hadn't left for the airport. He hadn't.

"I was just Jeremied," I told him. "I hold you personally responsible."

***************

Even before eight bells struck this morning, we were Jeremyed. I would introduce Jeremy, but that would take too long.

HE TALKS AT THIS SORT OF VOLUME - INCESSANTLY.

He house-sits for a regular customer of ours and feeds from her account when he does so (the only customer we have who has a regular tab). When he's in the area, we wince. Quite a character, our Jeremy. Sends me into a Donald Sinden impersonation every time his name is mentioned. Don't ask.

Likes his strawberries, I should mention. He wanted some this morning, before the eighth bell had struck. He wasn't the only early riser this morning, for the Boss was serving someone else, but for him this was a late arrival. We've arrived at half past six to find him sat outside the door, waiting to be served. One day I expect to find him in a sleeping bag across our front door with a thermos of cocoa.

Back to this morning. The Boss served the lady with her goods, and then Jeremy came back to the counter.

"MY STRAWBERRIES?" he bellowed. "WHERE ARE MY STRAWBERRIES? I LEFT THEM HERE!"

"Here?" the Boss asked, pointing at the counter. "You mean amongst that lady's goods?"

"YES," Jeremy replied. He didn't seem to understand that sticking them amongst other people's shopping was a bad idea.

The Boss ran out to catch the lady in question who had started to drive off. He apologised and said that he'd bring her the money back if she could dig them out. Oh no, she said. I'll keep them. She didn't mind one bit.

"MY STRAWBERRIES?" Jeremy demanded.

The Boss bit back several choice replies and told him to pick some more. Still, that's another Jeremy week over with.

Rapscallion, Jeremied no more

[Ryu]

wow... ive seen some characters at the movie theater, even some as regular as that, but never that bad

[Rapscallion]

He wasn't malicious - just dafter than a brush.

Rapscallion

[Imogene]

At Chesterfield, we used to have a caller who would call us, at least once a week. And ask about anime.
Now, that, in itself, was no big deal, the call would be handed off to me, as I was the anime geek of the store.
However.
He would go on and on for hours, and usually, it was only about 10% related to what we could do for him in the store. The other 90% was random crud...
I swear, he asked me once: Will I get more anime if I buy a satellite dish?
M: I have no idea, sir. It depends on what type of service package you buy from the company, usually.
We'd chat a little bit longer, and then he'd come up with something like:
"I really like Pokemon and Gundam, are there any series that combines those two?"
M: *racking my brain for a few seconds* "Nothing that has been released stateside to my knowledge, sir."
"Will they ever?"
M: "Sir, your Magic 8 Ball would be more useful in giving you an answer to that. As far as my knowledge runs, there are no such shows in production anywhere in the world."
"If they did decide to bring it over, how long would that take?"
M: "Turnaround on importing foreign titles depends on far too many things to give a set time frame for release. You have to worry about: the rights for whoever's going to release the series, translating, recording new dialogue, recutting the animation so it fits the flow of the new dialogue, is it something there's a market for? Do we need to do a huge advertising blitz, or is it fairly well known already? Should we get someone to make toys? Does this series make my ass look fat? and so on."
And a few minutes later, he'd bring up satellite anime again.

[Silvercat]

Does this series make my ass look fat?

I'm not sure why I find this so funny, but I'm sitting here trying not to attract attention by giggling like a maniac.

Mind if I use it for a sig?

[Imogene]

I'm not sure why I find this so funny, but I'm sitting here trying not to attract attention by giggling like a maniac.

Mind if I use it for a sig?

Feel free. I'm flattered that an off the cuff remark would be used as someone's sig line.

[Silvercat]

I think it's just the utter randomness...

[Mike Taylor]

When I worked for the late, lamented FAO Schwarz on Michigan Avenue in Chicago we had a number of "characters" much like the ones described above. I can't really cast them in a bad light because they had some genuine mental deficiencies, but nonetheless their actions would often disturb other customers, not to mention the staff.

We had one guy defecate and urinate himself and then march through the entire store, all THREE floors, stinking the place up. Another was a phone caller type like one Juwl mentioned above, except this fellow's focus was Star Trek instead of anime. We eventually got the switchboard operator in the main office to stop directing his calls to our floor. Then there was the time that our security staff had to break up a fight between to mentally handicapped guys who were fighting in the Star Wars section.

[Lulu]

Oh how I feel your pain! I've got a Jeremy...only his name is John. John is, at best, boring to the point of coma inducing, at worst, capable of filling you with a rage so tangible you can taste it. It really depends on the mood he catches you in.

His favourite pasttime is to drape himself over the counter and hold forth on his subject matter du jour, usually stopping other actual PAYING customers mid-browse to involve them in the "conversation". It's not so much that he likes to talk, we have lots of customers that like to talk, John's special for two reasons. Firstly, the fact that his subject matter appears to be chosen entirely at random, and secondly, because no matter what his level of knowledge actually is on the chosen subject, he will loudly proclaim himself an expert in it and completely ignore anyone who tries to correct his mistakes.

He gets SO random that there are times you wonder if he's doing it to wind you up, but he does seem to be absolutely straight up...worryingly. Lesse, recent subject matters that he's sworn blind to be true (LITERALLY on a bible he carries around with him I might add) include :

...Jesus being firstly an irishman and secondly, related to John himself.
...Various pharoahs of egypt being in actual fact re-incarnated as modern day politicians.
...All teachers in the country being secretly unqualified.
...Supermarkets keeping track on what he buys by using the fingerprints from his coins.
...Tony Blair being a woman.
...William the Conqueror being firstly irish AND a woman.
...The houses of parliament being built upon a druidic human sacrificial site.
...The government trying to steal his money from him via "technology".

It's probably worth noting that John is in actual fact banned from all but one of the local banks, all the supermarkets, the mobile phone shop, the local museum and blockbusters because he also has a habit of writing letters to companies complaining about service he's had there even when he's never shopped there before in his life. He doesn't do it for compensation tho, he just likes to complain.

Madder than a box of frogs and impossible to get rid of. Merely the mention of his name in the company of a retailer is enough to get a roll of the eyes Perhaps every town has to have one?!

[Imogene]

...Jesus being firstly an irishman and secondly, related to John himself.
...Various pharoahs of egypt being in actual fact re-incarnated as modern day politicians.
...All teachers in the country being secretly unqualified.
...Supermarkets keeping track on what he buys by using the fingerprints from his coins.
...Tony Blair being a woman.
...William the Conqueror being firstly irish AND a woman.
...The houses of parliament being built upon a druidic human sacrificial site.
...The government trying to steal his money from him via "technology".

I'd have to strongly disagree with him on the teachers being unqualified line.I had a teacher for a class called Investment in Success (I swear!) first semester, brand new school, new environment. Investment in Success can easily be the most dry, boring class you could ever have, and little of the info is really of practical use in every day life.
However, I had an amazing teacher, who had just gotten out of the hospital and wanted to come back to teaching, he was peppy and energetic, and he made the class interesting. I still remember very random bits of info from the class, and use them when I can. (For instance, a 'scotoma' is a blind spot created by expecting something to be there, 'Point of escape' is the direction you can go to get away from destruction, for instance, a race car driver in a spin out looks for his point of escape and steers toward it to pull out of the spin.)
After my class finished his class, he was readmitted to the hospital, as his cancer had come back. A few months later, he died.


Sorry for the downer ending, but I think it needed saying. Mr. Loven was a great teacher. And the guy in the story has done him a great disservice.

[headache grey]

...The government trying to steal his money from him via "technology".

whoa...there's a (presumably) paranoid schizophrenic flute lady at my school who terrorizes everybody in defense of the "technology" they are trying to use to get her thoughts and money and stuff.

that totally reminded me of her.


and i totally heard all of jeremy's speaking parts in VOICE IMMODULATION SYNDROME voice.

-b

[chainedbarista]

i feel your pain, raps, for we have our very own version of the jeremy, who goes by troy...and he is just as loud and obnoxious as the original.

you get jeremied, we get troyed...argh.

[Dark Psion]

I don't know if it just me, but everytime I read one of Jeremy's lines, I am hearing the voice of Brak from Space Ghost saying them.

[Pagan]

W've got something along those lines. Luckily, he rarely comes in the store. Just on the phone....a....lot. And....he's got some sort of speech impediment that makes him hard to understand (unbelievably, he's harder to understand in person!). And....he babbles. I've finally learned to pick out the important part of the babbling. The worst part is that he calls multiple times. One morning, between 9am and noon, he had called at least 8 times. I told Ava (Music Mgr), he needs to get a hobby other than calling us! He also does the same thing to Video!