The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Dick Head:

I am enclosing a letter we recently received. I just thought you should know some asshole is signing your name to stupid complaint letters.

Boom,
Roasted

ENC

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Dear Stuff N' Shove Discount Store,

Your nasal spray selection sucks!

Sincerely,
Ron E. Noze

[ParkingWitch]

Mr. Noze,

After reviewing security footage of you latest "shopping" trip and consultation with our product specialists, I must inform you that Fleet brand does not produce any nasal spray. The product that you acquired instead is used at the further end you your torso.

While an imaginative use of said product, such displays are NOT allowed within the store, especially on the sales floor. From this time forth you are banned.

Ms. Seenit All


______________________


Hey stupid airport peoples

Why didnt that parking biatch hold my plane for me?


B.G. Momma

[Daemonmonkey]

Dear Ms Momma

We HAD the plane holding for you, but after watching you to try and park in an empty parking for 30 minutes and failing blatantly,we decided that the pilot couldn't take more (he was having stomach ache after laughing so hard watching you) and had to let the plane go.



Dear Fly&Horror

I was flying in one of your tours, but as we approached our destination the pilot told that a blizzard was going on at the destination, and he was detouring to another airport.

This was totally unacceptable. It made me come two hours late to a dinner with my family. Therefore I demand that you fire that incompetent pilot and furthermore I demand that Fly&Horror gives me and my family free tickets for the rest of our lives!

Sincerely
Mrs A.W. SomBt

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. SomBt,

The weather was unsafe for flying so the plane had to make a detour. Therefore, all of your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

Airline Manager



Dear Bar Manager,

I drank 12 cans of beer right before I came over. When I ordered a margarita, your rude bartender told me that since I looked intoxicated he could only give me the non-alcoholic version. I told him that he was to give me what I wanted and he refused. I want this bartender fired for being rude to me and all the free margaritas I can drink for life or I will never come to your bar again.

Sincerely,

Mr. Drunk

[wraiths_crono]

Mr Drunk.
We have actually been waiting for you to either come back to our bar or contact us so we would know where to send the bill for the items you destroyed, I still do not understand how a person can break three bar stools and two tables upon WALKING INTO the bar let alone break four more tables on their way out after being denied service. It was only a shame the police did not arive in time, how-ever please be advised you will be seeing them soon. As for you request: Hell no and we have also posted a picture of you near the door with the little circle with slash through it to keep you out.

Signed:
Mc. Guinness - Owner



Dear newsgroup:
Why the hell did you stop responding to my tickets after I mentioned copy righted information, in my country they do not care if it is illegal in the US or not so you should still assist me with getting my download of the new Fable 3 game or else I shall tell all my friends about how horrible yous are, and also I shall call your US head quarters and demand to speak to your CEO about such a misleading company! Gimmie my video game and free year of your service!

-I.M.Amoron

(BTW I did not make that up, only change some details)

[Grape The Cat]

Dear I. M. Moron,

We are not going to commit copyright infringement for you. Go ahead and tel of of your friends, the more people who know about our policies regarding copyrighted information the better. In addition, while they mat not care in your country whether something is illegal in the United States. We, being a company based in the United States, do care. Therefore we cannot give you your free video game or a year of free service.
Sincerely,

U.S. Citizen
CEO
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Dear food store manager:
I went to your food store and I was appalled that you had non-Kosher items marked down. Your rude employee told me that you had Kosher items marked down as well but that doesn't matter. Your policy is unfair to Jewish people and is Anti-Semitic. I think you are a bunch of Nazis, otherwise you would be fair to the Jewish people, give me free Kosher products for life or I will call the media and report you for your Anti-Semitic policies and your employment of Nazis.
Sincerely,

Bea Kvetching

[XCashier]

Dear Bea,
Gevalt! I haven't seen you at synagogue in so long, I thought you'd died, God forbid.

And now you're telling me how to run my business? What do you know from business? May you grow like an onion, with your head in the ground!

Sincerely,
Al Eichem-Shalom, manager
Neighborhood Market

*****

Deer theutur manujur,

We went too yore play, "Hamlet". I thot it wuz sposed to be a cute muzical bout a baby pig on the farm. There wernt no muzic an we cuddnt unnerstan a word them akters werr sayin! Whut's wid all taht "thee" and "thou" crap? Yore in Amreica, yore sposed to speek Engalish!

An all that sord-fightin, an that leed aktor talkin too a skull! Scared my childrun!

I wan my munny bak, a publik app aplo say yore sorry to mah fammily, an make yore aktors speek Engalish frum now on!

Sinseerely,
Phil Istine

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Istine,

Enclosed is our Hamlet script. Also, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

Theater Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I handed my grocery list to one of your employees, told her to get those items for me, and she had the nerve to offer to show me where the items were. When I come to your store, I expect your employees to get my items and check them out for me since that's their job and good customer service. I want your employees retrained on the importance of good customer service. I also want my next shopping order for free or I'll shop online from now on.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Lazy

[Andrew B.]

Dear Ms. Lazy,

Our store policy is that a person gathers their own purchases and brings them to the front by themselves. Also you did not include any form of payment with that list. Were we to assume that the employee was supposed to pay for your purchases? Your request for free merchandise is denied.

Management
__________________________________________________

Dear Public School District,

I am furious to hear that one of your teachers cared enough about my grandchildren to try to contact me at home. I can't be bothered to talk to a waste of space like her. I have so many grandchildren in your district that I can't keep track of them all or make sure they go to school. I demand her head on a pike and want all of my relatives to pass to the next grade even if they haven't made the grades or even attended the required number of days.

Ima Psycho

(That is based off of a real grandparent of a couple of my mother's students. I think I actually toned her DOWN in this.)

[MoonCat]

Dear Miss/Ms Psycho,

Thank you for your letter. We have been trying to contact you for days in regard to the "item" your grandchild brought to school for show & tell. Now that we have your attention, please give my regards to the nice police officers and the social worker from the Children's Protective Services office. Have a nice day.

Sincerely, the Public School District of Yourtown

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Dear Theater Manager,

I went to the 4:00 showing of the new movie, Exploding Car Chases, last Saturday afternoon. When I went inside the theater at about, oh, I guess 5:30 or so, the movie was half over. So I went up to the projection room and demanded they start over so I could watch the whole thing from the beginning, and the rude little bastard running the film refused! I have NEVER been so insulted by a peon in my life! He made all kinds of noise about my being late, well, that's just not fair! I paid good money for my ticket at the $2.00 matinee and never got to see the movie! I demand free movie tickets and a lifetime supply of popcorn with extra butter!!!11!!

Yours truly,
A. Dickhead

[Grape The Cat]

Dear A. Dickhead,
You entered the theater fifteen minutes before the end credits. Our box office worker tried to tell you that hr film was almost over but you went into the theater anyway. You tried to intimidate the projectionist and he refused your request as we had another showing of the film in forty-five minutes. In addition, you said you bought a ticket for Exploding Car Chases , but the theater that you entered was showing the romantic comedy My Best Friend's Baby Shower. Your attempted intimidation of our projectionist your profanity laced tirade which followed his refusal, have caused me to ban you from our theater. Therefore your requests for free tickets and popcorn are denied.
Sincerely,

Phil M. Critic
Theater manager
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Dear college library,

Last week i went to your library so that my daughter could do some research for her essay which counts as fifty percent of her grade. I asked one of your employees for help and he only showed us where the books were located and told us how to log onto the computer as guests. When i asked him whether he would do the essay which counts for fifty percent of my daughter's grade he refused. I am outraged that he would treat my child in such a manner. This is a state college and I am a taxpayer. I demand respect from your employees because I pay their salary, i demand that you find this worker make him do my daughters essay and also have him write an hand-written letter of apology. When I asked your librarian to force the worker to write my daughter's essay, which is fifty percent of her grade. Your snooty librarian mentioned that my request amounted to plagiarism. Well, so what? This essay counts for fifty percent of my daughter's grade. it is disheartening and outrageous that you risk the academic carrier of a future taxpayer because your employees are too lazy to do a little work. In addition i would like all of my daughters essays to be written by one of your workers. My daughter has cheer leading, dance, Honor Society, math club and field hockey she way to busy to waste her time unlike your stoned, druggie workers. If you do not do these thing I will sue for $500,000 dollars for emotional trauma and therapy for my daughter.
Sincerely,

Vy Carious

[nicolecj]

Dear Mr. Carious,

As your daughter was so kind as to inform us of the class she was taking and since she blantently attempted to bribe, and then threaten, our employee in order to have him complete her paper, we have reported her to the appropriate ethics committee. Please be watching in the mail for the documents detailing her expullsion from our school.

thank you

The librarians

Dear sir,

I want to file a complaint with your so-called 'adoption center.' I took my little schnookums there on 10/30 to get a small dog to compliment her wizard of oz Dorothy costume. the woman working wanted my information and requested my landlord's contact information as well. She questioned my credetials as if I was under investigation! I feel this was an invasion of privacy that should not stand. How do I know this woman will not stalk my darling little girl and I. Schnookums is only 23, and she needs to have the best costume, and I, as a 57 year old business man, am in a position to get it for her. To ask for me for personal information would be unthinkable, as my wife can't find out about this! I figure I can tell her the credit card bill was from a donation. I promised to return the dog on 11/01 if she was that worried about it and she could consider it a rental fee but she seemed angered. I even explained that the animal would be fed appropriately at my hotel and that we had a plan to get it there. We would have to smuggle it in our luggage to get it on the plane and into the hotel, but that should not be a problem for such a small dog?!?!

In short, I was denied the animal of my choice although I offered sufficient funds. I think this is discriminatory, and I want that front desk girl investigated for possibly stealing people's identity.

Thank you

Sug Erdaddy

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Mr Erdaddy,
We check information to make sure that the applicant is an ideal home for our animals. We ask for landlord information because we need to make sure that pets are allowed at the property. In addition your "plan" for the dog would cause it to be harmed and we cannot knowingly adopt an animal out to a situation where they would be harmed. Also we do not rent animals.
Sincerely

Jack Russell-Terrier
Animal adoption coordinator
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Dear store manager,
I was shopping at your store yesterday and I was highly insulted. I had to get to school to pick up my darling daughter from detention, and there was a teenager in front of me. I got in front of him, and he said that he was next. What's more your cashier had the audacity to agree with him. The kid couldn't be more than seventeen. He's not an adult and was probably a slacker, as well as being some sort of loser. Your cashier was obviously his mother or some other relative because no one else would allow a teenager who spends maybe $50 in your store. to be taken ahead of a loyal customer who spends $500 a week at your store. I demand that the cashier responsible for this grave injustice be fired and that I be given my next purchase for free. If you do not do these things I will never shop at your store again and will tell all of my family and friends never to shop at your store again, and sue you for the emotional distress my darling daughter had to endure because I was two minutes late picking her up. I will also report your family-unfriendly practices to the media.
Sincerely

Helen Ahandbag

[shankyknitter]

Ms. Ahandbag

Though you probably don't remember due to the number of times you spoke over the cashier in question, you dealt with me yesterday. I am the one who refused to cash you out until you got in line and waited your turn. No the gentleman in front of you was not my son but was in stead one of our most loyal customers who is in almost every day for one thing or another. He has also brought us more business than anyone else I know of. So please follow through on your threat to shop elsewhere as my cashiers have been instructed to no longer serve you.

Sincerely,

Manager Buddica
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Dear Boozamahall inc:

I used your product and I demand a full refund. Not only did your product get me black out drunk it caused me to wake up next to an ugly person I'd never met before. This is all your fault! I demand a full refund and a formal apology for ever producing something with such horrible side effects.

No Love,

Donorma Ownlimits

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Ms Ownlimits,
In our commercials we state that you should use your product resposibly. In addition, there are warnings on the package cautioning you about the dangers of said product. Your request for a refund and a formal apology are denied. We are however sending you some booklets regarding the dangers of alcohol and how to consume our product in a safe manner.
Sincerely,

Al Cohol
Customer Service Representative
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Dear food store,
I went to your store the other day and I tried to order a cake for by child's birthday. When i placed my order your rude bakery worker insisted that i spell out my child's name. While my child was there! This was supposed to be a surprise! In addition the cake would take 2 hours! Hello! His birthday was that day! I cannot believe that you would break a child's heart like this and anyway who doesn't know how to spell WillYam?? I want the worker fired and free cakes fo life for everyone in my family and the worker fired. If you do do not do these things I will never shop at your store again!
Sincerely

Ms. I. Bea Procrastinator