The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Ms Bagger,

I am sorry to inform you that we no longer have our cashiers bag for customers. This is in order to keep the lines running smoothly. If you had a disability or a problem other than entitlement, you could have asked the cashier nicely to put out a call for a bagger. Since you didn't do that, then I'm afraid I cannot help you.

Yours, Mr Supermarket Manager.

PS Our prices are cheaper than anywhere you can find online, so tho I wish you'd shop elsewhere, I'm thinking that is probably a vain hope.

~~~

Dear Petrol Station Manager,

Yesterday was a Bank Holiday and I decided to go and fill up my car at 7:35pm. Much to my anger and disgust, the lazy employees refused to allow me to do this! They'd even blocked off the entrance with cones, which I had to drive over in order to get on to the forecourt. The employee I talked to, who was outside spitefully locking up the pumps so that I couldn't use them, told me that since it was a Bank Holiday, they closed at 7:30.

The utter nerve of that girl! She was obviously lying, and shutting up early so that she and her equally lazy collegue could go home early. I deduce this from the fact that she had three upper ear piercings and hair dyed pink. Everyone knows that the petrol station closes when I want it to do so, cuz I'm the customer and I'm always right. Anyway, it's not as tho these peons have a life outside of work, is it? I demand that you retrain these employees, and allow me to fill my Pointlessgiant SUV for free.

Yours,

Mrs U. N. Reasonable.

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. U. N. Reasonable.

After reviewing the tapes, I see that my staff did everything exactly as they should. The reason they closed up a little early is because some idiot ruptured a fuel tank, spilling everywhere, then tried to light up a cigarette. My two employees had to shut off the pumps and cordon off the station.

Latisha, the one with pink hair and earrings, has a mother with a chronic illness that requires someone be with her all the time. Even five minutes alone could be fatal to her, and since it was a bank holiday, Latisha's mother's caretaker was leaving at eight. So I told Latisha she could leave at seven thirty.

As for my other staff, Wallace, he is only a teenager, so I can't keep him too late at night.

I will not be giving you free gas. Certainly not after the way you tried to drive right over Wallace as he was trying to prevent a big fire! But we did get a fabulous picture of your license plate. The police have been notified of your vehicular assault attempt on a teenager.

Ms. Fulla Fuel,
Owner of 'Fill 'er up junction."

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Dear Booger King:

I went to your eatery today, and after all I did was stand there innocently and mull over my choices, your rather rude employees began to shout at me and demanded I pick what I want now or get out of the line. Now, I didn't see any line behind me, and the employees did nothing but chat amongst themselves on headsets, so why should I be rushed when I get to the register?

Now, I asked for my food in the normal way, making just a little change here and there. Your employees behaved as if I were expecting them to make me a three course banquet with the pickiest of ingredients. It was just lunch for me, and a dozen of my co-workers. There was no need for their rudeness and snide remarks. Why, I almost shouted back, but I kept my calm and patience.

Then I tried to pay with a ten dollar bill, but the cashier rudely told me it wasn't enough. I offered him a twenty, and it still wasn't enough. Then I ran Myra . . . my credit card, and it refused. So when he turned his head to chat with a girl employee, I gave him a dollar bill, took my food, and left. Surely you can understand why I'm asking now for the refund of my dollar bill. After what your staff put me through, I wouldn't mind being given some complimentary food tickets as well.

Thank you so much.
Phil T. Lyore.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Lyore,

If you weren't ready to order, you should've stood to the side before getting in line. Also, your changes caused the bill to be $80. Since you took the food without paying the full amount, you will be charged with theft. You are now banned from the restaurant.

Sincerely,
B. Urger
Manager



Dear Department Store Manager,

I came to return some underwear and your rude employee told me that they don't accept returns on underwear. I was steamed so I threw the underwear on the floor, and then threw myself on the floor and started pounding the floor, kicking my legs, and screaming at the top of my lungs. Next thing I knew, I was in a police car. I demand you fire the rude employee, drop the charges, and allow returns on all items or I will come to your store wearing nothing.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Tantrum

[XCashier]

Dear Mrs. Tantrum,

Now now, dear, we mustn't act up when we don't get our way. Use your words and ask nicely, and know that we can't always get what we want.

Enclosed is a nice new pacifier and cuddly soft blankie. Use them as often as you need to, and when you do grow up, you can come shop at our store again.

Sincerely,
Nanny McPhee, manager,
Poppins' Department Store

*****

Dear movie theater manager,

Me and my three- and five-year old kids were up late last night and decided to go to a movie. We went to your midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I had such an awful experience!

Most of the other moviegoers were wearing the most outlandish getups! Some of them weren't even decent! Men in fishnet stockings, women with their bosoms popping out of sequined corsets...what on earth are they thinking?! And how dare they wear such things in front of my little precious children! How will I explain this to them?!

And when the movie started, we couldn't even enjoy it because more costumed idiots were goofing around in front of the screen, and the entire audience was yelling loudly. More than once I demanded that they shut up so we could hear the dialogue, but they ignored me. Several around me laughed at me, and one person bounced a roll of toilet paper off my head!

I am horribly upset by my experience. I demand my money back, another million dollars for the counseling me and my precious children will need, and insist that you ban such perverts from your movie theater from now on!

Sincerely,
Anita Clue

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Clue,

Your children should've been in bed and were too young for the movie. I'm sorry for your experience but you won't be getting anything for us.

Sincerely,

M. Ovie
Theater Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was in your store and your front end was very rude. The checkers were cleaning their registers and stocking candy when they're supposed to stay in their registers. When I went over to an open register, the rude employee told me to load my groceries onto the belt. I threw a box of candy at her and stormed out with my groceries without paying for them. I demand you train your employees to wait on important customers like me hand and foot. If you don't, I will come back and take as many items as I want and not pay for them.

Sincerely,

I. M. Portantshopper

[purplecat41877]

I. M. Portantshopper has received an e-mail stating that the letter was sent to the wrong e-mail address. I. M. Portantshopper finds the correct e-mail address and resends the letter shown above.

[Kristev]

Mr. Portantshopper,

The employee did tell you to put the groceries on the belt, along with the lane closed sign. You see, it was eight fifteen and my store closes at eight, with everyone remaining until eight thirty to get the place clean and prepped for the next day's opening. You ignored the manager's frequent calls for shoppers to come to the front before eight, and the only reason you came up at all is because security found you and directed you to the registers.

We calculate that you have cost us nearly three hundred dollars in stolen goods, and have turned the matter over to the police. Luckily for us, you told security your name when you talked to them. Expect a friendly visit from the boys in blue.

Signed,

Miss No-Non Sence,

Owner of Flavor of Hong Kong grocery store.

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Dear Route 77 Hotel:

I am the mother of seven children. Me and my family showed up last week at midnight, exhausted from a long drive where we hadn't eaten in since six that night. When we get there, I practically have to throw a fit to get your horribly rude clerk there, Alice, to give us a hotel room. She demands that I buy three rooms! Three, I tell you! I do it, and even though she gives me a discount, I don't think it's enough, putting up, first with the drive, and then my bratty kids, and the vacation from Hell, and now this Alice woman!

But my eldest daughter, step-daughter, really, damned fifteen year old, she thinks she knows everything. She begs me to go ahead and take Alice's deal so we can get a place to sleep, and I do it. But I'm not happy. Well, I'm awakened at noon by hotel security. How dare they knock on my door, holding my beloved twin boys Adolph and Benito, in his hands. It seems Adolph and Benito followed one of my other sons, George, and the three of them decided to run wild around the hotel. It's not my fault the boys tore up everything they could. Boys will be boys. My stepdaughter was supposed to be watching them.

When I found her, she gave me the excuse that she was trying to save my youngest daughter from drowning in the pool. My step-daughter told me that the pool wasn't even open and she was trying to find all the kids so she could order lunch for them when she saw my precious Angelica dive in the pool. Where was the lifeguard? My other daughter and my other son, at least, stayed with my step-daughter and didn't make any mistakes.

Then your manager expects me to pay! Well, I get the kids, and we drive off. Except for my step-daughter. I forgot her at the hotel, but that's no loss. A few good weeks left on her own will fix her attitude but good. But how dare your staff be so rude? No, I didn't pay the bill. I told my step-daughter to do it, and drove off with all the kids but her. I even swiped her father's credit card from her first.

I demand recompense for this horrible service!

Signed,

Lou See Mother.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Lou See Mother,

It's your responsibility to watch your children and your stepdaughter was doing a great job. We have called CPS on you and are sending you a bill for the damages your sons caused. Your stepdaughter is staying with me until we can find a foster home for her. She is welcome at the hotel anytime but you and the rest of your family are banned from the hotel.

Sincerely,

Hotel Manager



Dear Candle Shop Manager,

I recently bought one of your herbal scented candles. When I got home, I put the candle on a small ceramic plate, lit the candle, and laid down on the sofa to take a nap. When I woke up a few hours later, the candle had melted on the plate. I demand you replace this defective candle with an herbal scented candle that won't melt or I will come to your store, light all the candles, and knock them over.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Candle

[XCashier]

Dear Mrs. Candle,

Judging from your letter, the candle worked exactly as it was supposed to. Candles melt, have done so since their invention two thousand years ago. That's pretty much the whole point of the candle, to melt so as to fuel the flame. A non-melting candle would be defective, not the one you used.

Thank you so much for letting us know how well our candles work. Have a lovely day!

Perry Finn-Wax, manager,
Chandler's Candle Shop

* * * * *

Deer Grossury Storr Ownur,

Ah wuz shoppin an neded sum cereal. Ther wer three employes standing round doin nothin, so I ignored them an went to the gal stockin olive oil on the shelf. Ah stood behind her an sed nothin, and she dint sea me, jus kep stockin.

So Ah yelled HEY! An she jumped! An nokked bout five jars of oil off the shelf! An spun round tot sea me, an slipped an fell on her fat ass! Well, durn if it wernt the funniest thing Ah ever saw! Ahm laffin mah head off, and she grabs her radeo an calls 4 help!

So Ah grab her radeo and yell YAH COM HELP HER SHES TO STOOPID TO STOCK A SHELF RAGHT an shes all cryin cause Ahm squooshin her hand thats holdin the radeo. An she cut herself on the glass an bled all over the flor but that aint important. Anyway Ah tells her GET A SENS OF HUMUR HUNNY WHARS YORE CUSTUMUR SERVISE SKILLS?

Then a bunch of employes grab me an korral me to the ofice, and the hed honcho calls the polise an haz me arested for a salt! That is no way to run a storr! You giv the custumur what he want, an treet him like a king!

Gimme a millin dolarrs an that gals phone numbr (she got a fat ass, but shes cute) an maek her go on a date with me an I might continoo to shop ther.

Sinseerly,
Jimmy Joe Billy Bob Uncouth

[Kristev]

Jimmy Joe Billy Bob Uncouth

After sending your letter to a linguist to interpret it, we believe we now understand what you were saying to us.

The cameras show us that you saw three of our employees standing around doing nothing except having a smoke. When we asked them why, they informed us that they were on their lunch break, which the CSM confirmed.

Poppy was stocking the oil, as you said, when you screamed at her. Of course she jumped from fear. We don't know how you do things where you come from, but here, screaming in public is not considered polite.

Now, let me get this straight. Someone gets themselves injured on your behalf, and your response is to laught at them? Then to snatch their radio when they call for help? That is shameful, not amusing.

Customer service does not lend itself to being abused by people. Our staff indeed did come to Poppy's defence, and Tasha was right to ring up the police. We don't have a king anymore, but we do have a queen. She and her family get the royal treatment should they elect to shop here. You do not.

We have no intention of giving you £638700, or the million dollars we think you requested in your dollars. Though we will not be giving you Poppy's phone number, you can be expecting a call from her soclicitor. She intends to seek aid from the courts. At least she doesn't have to worry about medical bills, or you'd be out that much money, too.

Having seen you in our store on camera, I think I can now safely say I understand the meaning of "ugly American," for which I almost want to thank you. We hereby ban you from the store, though since you were merely a tourist, we doubt we're going to see you again. So we freely invite you to shop somewhere else, with our blessing.

Respectfully yours,
George Dragonrose,
Owner of Lioncrest Grocers,
Manchester, England.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Temperance pharmacy and herbal remedy shop.

I am writing you this letter to tell you just how angry I am with you. Your store is a combination of a pharmacy and an herbal remedy shop, at least that's what you claim. I visited your shop searching for pot, and when I asked your employee, Fern, if she had pot, she led me to some gardening pots. I demanded she lead me to the real pot, and do you know what she did? She suggested I leave! I refused, saying that I needed to refill my prescription for Palladone, so she directed me to the pharmacy half of the store.

Fern went up to the counter and began whispering something to the technician, then left. After waiting an agonizing hour, I pushed an old lady out of the line and walked over her so that I would be next. The cashier and the technician were very rude. They seemed disgusted with me and wanted the lady to go ahead of me. I ignored them and gave them my prescription.

The cashier looked it over, and he gave it to the technician. She looked at it, too, and gave it to the pharmacist. I saw the technician and the pharmacist talking for a minute, and then the technician comes back and tells me they can't fill my prescription here. I very politely tell them that it comes from Dr. X, and that I've been on this for years. The pharmacist asks me what sort of pain I have, and I tell him that I don't have any pain, I just need my medicine.

At this point, the pharmacist snatches the prescription and tells me to leave. Meanwhile, the cashier has left his register to go help the old lady stand up. She's throwing a fit, crazy old biddy, claiming she's in pain. The cashier calls the pharmacist, and he runs to check the lady. He feels her leg up, how inappropriate can you get? He calls to the tech and tells her to call the paramedics. I ask them when they're going to get around to actually helping their customer?
"I am," the pharmacist says. "Get out!"
How dare he backtalk me! I get so angry that I use my baseball bat and start smashing up the store until I broke everything. I told them I wouldn't go until I was given my Palladone. I grab Fern and demand that the pharmacist give me what I want, so he finally.

I take it and leave with Basil, one of your employees who tried to stop me. I taught him good, hitting him in the head, then grabbing him. He's screaming, so I telling him to shut up. But the next thing I know, the teacher from the karate school next door comes out with a couple of her students. She grabs Basil away from me, and gives him to her students, who take him away. Then she kicks away my bat and beats me up with her crazy karate until the police arrive. Who does she think she is? Batgirl? And how dare they arrest me? She's the who's committing assault! They didn't do a thing to her, but they arrested me like I was some criminal!

I demand compensation, full payment of my medical and legal bills, that Temperance pharmacy and herbal remedy shop drop all charges against me, and that I be given a lifetime supply of Palladone. If I don't get these things, I'm coming back, with a friend of mine who likes to make big bombs!

Signed,
Doug Addikt.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Addikt,

The lady that you pushed was before you and you caused her to go to the hospital. We are also not dropping the charges and you are banned from the store while the karate teacher gets a gift card for helping us out.

Sincerely,

Store Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

When I was checking out, I screamed at the checker, called her horrible names, and told her that she should be lucky to have a job. When she broke down like a baby, I laughed my head off. Your supervisor had the nerve to send her away, cancel my order, and tell me to leave. You need to tell your employees that they are required to put up with customers like me or I will hack into your system and change the prices.

Sincerely,

A. B. User

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. A. B. User: This is a family-run store. That manager was my son and the cashier was his daughter.

Thank you for alerting us to your intentions to hack our systems and wreck our prices. Security has been beefed up and the F. B. I. has been notified. They should be visiting you quite soon.

Signed: Matilda 'Grandma' McMulligan,
Owner of Emerald Ilse mercantile.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Crafty Magic store:

I went to your store the other day with people from my church to throw eggs, tomatoes, and rocks at your store and to carry protest signs and sing Bible hymns. But as we grabbed one of your employees and tried to burn him at the stake, he protested that your store was nothing but a stationary, fabric, sewing & quilting, scrapbooking, and crocheting stores. We refused to believe him.

As we set him on fire, your manager came out and turned the hose on us! How dare she? Two more employees came out, one with a cell phone and one with a camera, and they kept shooting us. We were about to grab them, too, but the police showed up. The police must be corrupt because they ignored our words and arrested us all!

I demand compensation and that your store close down! And that you pay our bails and drop the charges.

Signed, Rev. Funn. D. Mentalist,
On behalf of Church of Holier Than Thou.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Rev. Funn D. Mentalist,

The employee you set on fire was correct about what we sell and is in the hospital. Therefore, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

C. R. Aft
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I put my propane tank in a cart and brought it inside to do some shopping. When I got to the checkout, your rude supervisor told me that the propane tank wasn't allowed in the store and that I had to go to the service desk for the propane tank exchange. The checker was able to add the propane tank exchange to my transaction and arrange for another employee to help me out. I want the supervisor trained on customer service, a $200 gift card, and the checker to be promoted or I'll take my business to a store that allows propane tanks inside.

Sincerely,

P. R. Opane

[purplecat41877]

Letter has been returned to P. R. Opane due to wrong address. P. R. Opane corrects the address and resends the letter shown above.

[purplecat41877]

Dear P. R. Opane,

It's against safety regulations to bring propane tanks indoors. Therefore, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

Store Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I came up to the checkout with 4 dozen cans of corn and your rude checker told me that 4 cans was the limit. I was steamed so I threw the cans at the checker and stormed out. I want the checker fired for being rude to me and for the store to stop putting limits on items. If you don't, I will never shop at your store again.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Greedy