The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Frustrated Customer,

You would need to contact your landlord and then fill us in. We'll do what we can to get your service working as long as the landlord is ok with it.

Sincerely,

Wanda Help
Manager



Dear Fabric Store Manager,

Where do you get off not hiring me? All I did was bawl my eyes out during the interview while saying how badly I need a job. I demand you hire me and allow me to be as emotional as I want on the job. If you don't, I will post on my Facebook page that you hire employees with no feelings whatsoever.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Emotional

[wolfie]

Dear Mrs. Emotional,

The fact that you cried throughout the interview showed that you would be a poor fit for our company. We wish you the best of luck in your pursuit of employment.

Sincerely,

Mr. Calico, manager of Fabric Emporium



Dear satellite TV company,

Don't you even READ people's letters before sending a non-answer? I already told you that the new building blocks line-of-sight to your satellite from the ONLY place my landlord will let me put a dish. Either get the other building out of the way (hence my suggestion for installing a GBU-10 on it) so that I can get line-of-sight between my dish and your satellite, or let me cancel without an ETF.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled (formerly merely frustrated) Customer

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Customer,

Unfortunately, we are not able to get rid of the other building and what you're suggesting is illegal. However, we have enclosed a list of options that don't require a dish being installed so you won't have to cancel your service. If you don't like any of the options, we will issue a full refund and won't charge you an ETF. However, for the inconvenience, we will give you 50% off of the next bill.

Sincerely,

Wanda Help
Manager



Dear Bakery Manager,

I went into your bakery on the way to a party and ordered a list of items. However, your rude employee had the nerve to tell me that I should've given advanced notice for an order as large as mine. I demand you fire the rude employee and give me free items for 2 months. If you don't, I will set your cakes on fire.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Impulse

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Impulse,

Our employee was right to tell you that you should've given advanced notice for ordering practically half of our bakery's stock, especially on St. Patrick's Day, which it was. I know because I was the employee who told you so.
I am also the the owner and manager.
Since I own and run this business entirely on my own, I cannot afford to give you two months of free items, though I think I can manage to give you a free box of cupcakes. That is, I would have, but since you threatened to set fire to my cakes, I will instead deny you anything. But you are free to take your vandalism threats elsewhere.

Signed, Mia Selfandeye, Owner of Solitaire's Bakery.

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Dear Scary Queen Ice Cream Parlor & Restaurant,

I went to your place the other day. Yes, everyone keeps telling me that your food is just plain good fun, even if the place does look like a graveyard and all your employees must wear Halloween costumes. It's so much fun that even your commercials say "You scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream . . . and everything else on our devilishly good menu."
From what I hear, your It's A Real Dilly Bar is just infernally divine, and your fallen angel food cake! Whoever came up with the idea of mixing angel food cake with chocolate ice cream was a real genius!

Unfortunately, the people you have working for you lately are far from geniuses. I am gravely offended! You see, I went to your restaurant, and because I saw a woman bring in her dog, I decided to bring in mine. My dog, a beautiful angel of a dog named Assassin, and he's just the cutest thing you ever saw, came in with me.

Now one of your rude employees told me right off the bat that I couldn't bring my dog in because he didn't have a leash! What gall! What nerve! I don't have a fence around my house and I never leash or tether my Assassin. Why should I? A dog's natural state is to run around free!

Well, I grab that rude employee's mask off of his face, and then let it recoil and hit him. He screams, and calls for the manager. I instead head straight up to the counter and demand that the waitress take my order. But when the little boy whose mother is before me in line turns to pet my Assassin, he grabs the boy and bites him hard, and won't let go!
You hired the worst waitress in the world! She just stood there, wide-eyed, as if she were shell shocked, when she saw my dog playing with that boy, and she didn't say anything. Instead, she stammered.
The boy screamed and screamed, and I told his mother to make him shut up. She instead started beating my poor Assassin with her purse, and yelling at him.
The next thing I know, Assassin does let go of the boy, to go chase a couple of kids running in the playground. He almost catches a little girl, but mid-jump, her father stabs my poor Assassin with a knife.

My poor doggie! I go run to him, but everyone now gathers around me, screaming at me, except for that stupid waitress and that screaming boy and his mother, who stayed with him. One woman, in a witch's mask & costume, puts horrible curses on me. She called me a &8@!*#$ @%$&%*ed )$*%&#@er. Another woman said my dog should have been kept on a leash, while one man chimed in that "That breed of dog shouldn't have even been brought in here in the first place!"
Then in comes the manager, who isn't concerned in the least that that man had a knife and used it to stab my poor doggie! Who knows who else he could've stabbed! He gave some excuse about "protecting his daughter from a savage beast . . ." Poppycock!
Instead of showing any fear about the man with the knife, or showing any compassion for my poor dog, the manager gets out her cell phone and calls first the police and then the paramedics, and then tells me that my dog and I are banned from her store!

I am so angry I just can't stand it! Yes, Assassin survived and I want him to be served free hamburger, as many as he wants, and a place of honor where he is free to run around and play with whomever he wants, when we come back to Scary Queen. And I want you to give me a lifetime supply of free food, and a billion dollars in compensation! Not to mention paying his vet bills and banning the man with the knife, and his daughter, and the woman with her horrid little screaming boy, and firing those two wretched employees, and probably that vindictive manager, too!

If you don't, I will Google your recipes for all your products, and sell them to your competitors! I'm sure McClown's & Burger Queen would love to know your secrets. And I'll tell every group I know, including animal rights extremist groups I know, that you discriminate against dogs! After all, I'm a person who doesn't believe in leashes or fences because it infringes too much on a pit bull's natural rights.

Signed, Freida Rome.

[XCashier]

Dear Freida Rome,

The first dog was a guide dog for that blind customer, and thus is allowed in an establishment such as ours. Your dog is not a service dog of any kind that I can see. And you don't "believe in leashes or fences because it infringes too much on a pit bull's natural rights"? Obviously, you don't believe in properly training and integrating your dog either, otherwise he wouldn't have attacked those children.

You will not be getting anything from us except a restraining order. The ban stands, and we never want to see you or your insane dog anywhere near our store again.

Sincerely,
Liz Bathory, manager,
Scary Queen Ice Cream Parlor & Restaurant

* * * * *

Dear Boutique Owner,

I was in the other day browsing your wares, when I saw that your employee had a beautiful, blonde, waist-length braid. I knew it had to be a hairpiece so I went to grab it off her head so I could buy it for myself. Then she started screaming at me to let go of her hair! It couldn't possibly be her own hair, human hair does not grow that long! And somehow she'd attached the piece so it wouldn't come off!

Now look, I spend lots of money at your store. If I want to buy a fall, I will, and no employee is going to stop me! I demand that you give me a $100,000 for my embarrassment and that lovely fall the employee was wearing, or you will hear from my lawyer!

Regards,
Maya Ownworld

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Ownworld,

The employee's hair is real and we will not give you $100,000. However, we've enclosed a gift card for you to use.

Sincerely,

F. Ashion
Owner



Dear Theatre Manager,

You had no right to have my husband and I arrested and banned. All we were doing was lying on the floor in front of the screen with no clothes on making love. Those customers who complained need to learn that my husband and I were trying to make things interesting since the movie was boring. I demand you lift the ban and give my husband and I free movies and refreshments for life or we will go into the refreshment lobby, undress, and make love on the floor.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Lovemaker

[Tama]

Dear Mrs. Lovemaker,

Why did you come to a screening of Mamma Mia if you don't like dull chick flicks that use every cliche in the book?

Look, I agree it was dull, but you did something illegal. Get over it! Nothing free for you! And if you do that in here you will be arrested again!


~Mrs. Algia Critic




Dear Rlyeh Tailors,


It's been three days! Get your fhtagn butts down here and tailor the holes in my garment or I'll come up there in person and DRIVE YOU ALL INSANE!!!


~Your Most High Overlord, Cthulu

[Sarlon]

All hail our mighty lord,

I am dishonored to report that we have been unable to attend you personally, there apparently exists an evil to rival that of your greatness. She came into our shop while we were preparing the ritual, and threatened to burn us down if we did not attend to her needs right this very second (and promised to pay in the blood of innocents). She wanted this HORRENDOUSLY ugly sweater dry cleaned as there was "red wine" that had soaked in the front.

We had been told it was spilled at a party, but one look at the brown stain and we knew it wasn't red wine. So when she comes to pay with the blood, we promise to be right down to take care of your issues All Mighty Lord, however if you wish to devour her for your own great pleasure, she says her name is Mary Christmas (think thats how she spelled it), at least according to the form she filled out.

Please be patient a little longer oh great one, for we will bring a blood scarifice to further your greatness!

----------------------------

Dear State University,

I want to lodge a formal complaint about your incredibly rude employee, from this morning. I had a MASSIVE paper due that I needed printed out for my 8am class, and the rude bitch in the lab refused to let me in even though the clock said 7:56.

She said she can't let me in till exactly 8am or she could get fired, she THEN told me that the only place I could print off my 200 page report was the library ALL the way across the quad since that was the only place open before then.

There were at LEAST 2 other people in the lab working beside the printers and 2 other people messing around with the computers in the lab itself!

I DEMAND you fire her for being so rude, and not bending the rules for me, let me in to print at ANY time I want, and give me free printing funds for the rest of my college career here!

If you don't i will tell my father who knows the president of the college and personally have everyone in the entire department fired!

Hatefully yours,
Edward Whinamaker III

[Tama]

Dear Mr. Whinamaker,

I'm afraid that we can't do that. You see, we had a bunch of kids doing their huge reports and our printing system completely BROKE. We've had to send students to the local library to print things!

However, the professors are giving a one week extension. Despite this, your threats hold no water. The president is being fired for dating a student.

Sincerely, Mrs. G'dam Ineptt Adminstration






Dear Rlyeh Temple


The time is nigh. Our most loyal follower, Miss Ivy Christmas-Freak (soon to be Ivy Oldgods), has sent samples of her mother's blood. Much depends on this battle, and this will allow us to harness her power.


I faced the woman myself and she was not driven insane. This is all hands on deck. This is war! SO SPEED UP THE WORK!

P.S. Who stitched the green into my garment? It is a pleasing shade.


Prepare to rise from the ocean!,

Cthulu

[purplecat41877]

Dear Cthulu,

My staff is working on analyzing the blood as we speak and we should have the results soon. Glad you like the green in your garment.

Sincerely,

Rlyeh
Temple Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I went up to the service desk employee, demanded a manager, and your employee had the nerve to ask if there was anything she could help with. If I want a manager, your employees should get one no questions asked. I am very important and I don't want to waste time talking to people below my class. I demand you tell employees to get a manager without question when a customer asks or I will burn down your store.

Sincerely,

Ida Snob

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Snob

We will gladly instruct our staff to get a manager every time they see you. If I'm working, I'll handle you myself. And we'll also keep the fire department on speed dial.

Sincerely,

Luke Totake Charge,

Grocery store manager.

__________________________________________________ ____________________

Dear Chilibee's,

I went to your restaurant with my son last night, and we were horrified at what we saw.
Firstly, it's inappropriate for a 50 year old man to be out with a 25 year old woman at the table next to us.
Secondly, it's inappropriate for her to have him bring out a white pharmacy bag, remove a clear liquid and two syringes, use one syringe on an orange, and then have the girl tell this man exactly how to draw out the liquid from the bottle and inject it in himself! Clear drug use and my son had to witness it!
Thirdly, it's wrong that the girl gives him some dolls to look at, and he looks up their skirts! What is he, a pervert?

That was the final straw!

I called the manager, and he talked to them. The manager acted as if he'd known the old man for years! I couldn't believe how chummy they were! I overheard their conversation.
"Father just found out he's a diabetic yesterday. I'm a nurse and I visited him 'cause I've got a three day weekend. I saw how sick Daddy was and made him go to the hospital yesterday, and now I'm helping him learn to draw, measure, and use his insulin, including giving himself some shots. He needed my help because he doesn't know how to do shots and I live out of town. I'm visiting for the three-day weekend. And, that since I'm here since Daddy loves coming to Chilibee's every chance he gets, it's a good place to help him learn what foods he can and can't have anymore, since he knows your menu so well."
And then he said that his daughter bought the dolls at a toy shop as a present for the kids, but that one of the skirts had become crooked and so he was readjusting it. Poppycock!

Well, when your manager came to me and said "Mr. Green is one of our favorite regulars. He's here at least once a paycheck, and it's nice that he can come an extra time because his daughter is visiting from Portland and is picking up the tab, so we will not be throwing him out," I just got mad!

I called the police to report these two and their illicit actions! The police came up, interviewed them, and found nothing wrong except Mr. Green's high blood sugar. Well, that just did it! I was so angry I overturned their table, stormed off and left, and didn't pay for my food! I have no intention of paying for my meal! Not after what we witnessed!

My son is traumatized from the horrible things he's soon! I demand ten million dollars, and a strict no drug, no pervert policy! I also want gift cards for myself and my son so we can eat forever for free, and that that manager who is clearly chummy with drug-using, illicit lover perverts, be fired!

If you refuse, I'll plant drugs and then call the police again. I'll bet we'll see some law and order then, I guarantee!

Signed,

Mrs. Ova Reeact.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Reeact,

The elderly man has been a customer for years and all of our staff like when he comes in since he treats the staff with respect. Since you didn't pay for your food and threatened to plant drugs, you are banned from the restaurant.

Sincerely,

C. Alm
Manager



Dear School Principal,

Where do you get off assigning detention to my daughter? All she did was cut classes because they were boring. I demand you reverse the detention and allow my daughter to attend only the classes she wants. If you don't, I will take my daughter out of school and homeschool her.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Skipper

[XCashier]

Dear Mrs. Skipper,

And this is a threat...how? By all means, homeschool your child. Just realize, she has to pass the state exams or you'll be in a lot of hot water. Considering that your daughter Ima currently has a GPA of 0.01 and that is with trained teachers, I can't imagine how you'll pull that one off.

Good luck,
Ed U. Cation-Rules, principal,
Areyou High School

* * * * *

Deer Prinsipul Kashunrools,

Momie haz bin teeching me 4 a munth nao N I kent keyp up. Lernin is hard! I hav 2 think N evrything! It hurtz! I wan a dip-loama, kent U just gimme 1? Doo it orr I tel evry1 on-line N at the mawl that U suk N shud B fiyered!

Sin Seer Lee,
Ima Skipper

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Skipper,

Enclosed is a phonics book. Hopefully this will help you out so you'll be able to earn your diploma.

Sincerely,

Ed U. Cation-Rules
Principal



Dear Clothing Store Manager,

You rude employee had no right to have me arrested. All I did was try on clothes in the middle of the store since I won't go near the fitting rooms. I demand you drop the charges and allow me to try on clothes wherever I want to. If you don't, I will undress at the checkout and then run around the store wearing nothing.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Exposure

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Exposure

It's a crime to walk around skyclad in the middle of a store, or in any public place. We don't want you to try on clothes anywhere but the fitting rooms, because that's where it's sequestered and safe to try clothes on. We will not be dropping the charges.


Sincerely,

Miss Julia Monarch,

Manager of Emerging Butterfly Clothing Boutique.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Discoveries Amphitheater, and the bar that goes with it,

Bandemonium, your big annual event where local new rock bands that pass your committee's muster gather to play in hopes of making it big has proven to be a big break for many local bands in the last few years that it's been done. It was supposed to be mine, too!

Me and my band, Yvonne and the Banshees, were supposed to be the highlight of the show. My girls and I practiced for almost a year. But the day before our audition before the committee, I went out to a bar with the girls. Half of the girls decided to leave the bar, saying they thought we should rest so we could be fresh and clear-headed for the show, while I and the other half stayed and partied the night away. So Me, Donna, and Julie stayed at the bar partying while Vivian, Wendy, and Kathleen decided to be party-poopers and go home.

The next morning, Donna didn't even show for our audition and I had a hangover. In the last few minutes of rehersal before we were called up to audition, Julie asked to be allowed to sit out because she didn't feel like drumming, so a boy called Erick from the audience who happened to be a drummer but didn't quite make it into the show on his own was asked to take over for her, by Vivian, our keyboardist, and he did.
Vivian, also actually insisted that I stop singing and sit down, and put Wendy, my backup vocalist, in my place!
As for Kathleen, everyone clapped after her guitar solo!

Well, your committee accepted the Banshees, consisting of Vivian, Kathleen, Wendy, and that boy drummer, Erick. What's a boy drummer doing in the Banshees? What about me?

Well, when Bandemonium began that next day, but before the bands started playing I called up Julie and Donna and we met at the stadium bar.
I began to drink, and so did Donna, but Julie didn't drink at all. And I drank and I drank and I drank, to the point where Julie and the bartender both said I'd had enough and needed to leave the bar and get some coffee. Julie said she deserved to be left out and will try again next year, and that we should celebrate the success of our friends.
Donna and I weren't having any of that! I vowed to get revenge.
"I said, if we can't be the stars, nobody can, so here's what we're going to do . . ."
Oh, I had a fantastic plan, and I told Donna and Julie exactly I had in mind.
Next thing I know, Julie's running off to place a phone call to Kathleen. Something about, "Kath, just a heads up. I can see Yvonne getting drunk again and we all know how dangerous she can get when she . . ."
That's all she got to before I knocked her cell phone out of her hands and stomped on it. Julie ran from us and I never saw that coward again.


So I sent Donna to go get our boombox, which has us playing together, with me in the lead and all of us together, no boys, and to play it as loud as it would go when The Banshees began playing. Donna even hooked it up to the sound system. The traitors were completely drowned out, until security came up and ripped the boombox out of Donna's hands and carried her away.

So, I was really mad then. I went up to the concession booth and sprayed pink spraypaint all over our Yvonne and the Banshees shirts, posters, and even our cds. If we all couldn't succeed together, I sure wasn't going to let them succeed alone.

But then security grabs me and carries me away! He tells me "Miss Beethastarr, you're under arrest for public intoxication, malicious mischief on the order of sabotage, and terroristic threats, and obviously vandalism!"

How dare that bartender not cut me off when he saw me getting as drunk as I was? He should have known what I planned to do! This is all his fault!
I demand that you ban Viv, Wendy, Kathleen, and that boy, Erick, from any further events at your theater! I also demand that they all be arrested and locked up in jail with me! I further demand that I and I alone be permitted to perform our entire set in front of cameras and all the local stations, just like at Bandemonium! And I demand that you drop all charges, and that you make some record company give me a ten million dollar solo contract!

And on top of all that, I demand that you remove all of the promotional materials, like the new song I heard playing on the radio by Erick and the Banshees! called Thank you, Julie, about a girl who overhears a conspiracy and, rather than taking part or doing nothing, warns her best friend, then calls the cops. Plus I want a full bottle of aspirin!

If you don't do all those things that I demand that you do, when I get out of here, I'm going to blow up Discoveries Amphitheater, film it, and use that as the background to my next music video, Revenge of Yvonne!

Furiously yours,

Yvonne A. Beethastarr.