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The ISP Horse Race (Bring a lunch, this one's for pages)

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  • The ISP Horse Race (Bring a lunch, this one's for pages)

    Okay. Deeeeep breath, here.

    I recently moved house. In the midst of all the chaos and the noise, which, my roommate bizarrely thought, would REDUCE his stress levels, I phoned up my stalwart ISP to have my broadband service moved to the new area, five miles down the road. The keepers of my E-mail address and blessed providers of online services lo these past eight years asked my new address. I told them. They said, "We don't provide services in that area."

    Bummer.

    There's something you have to know when it comes to choosing an ISP in this area. You will not find a single one that knows what it's doing. Not one. None. You get crappy customer service at one, figure, "All right, I'll go to the competition," only to get worse customer service there.

    I phoned Provider 2. Provider 2 happens to be my phone company, as well, so I figured it should be easy to get broadband service through them as soon as possible. Speed, I felt, was of the essence, and they assured me that the phones in the new place would work as of the day of the move, March 9th.

    However, Provider 2 is rather infamous in these states for buying out all the local phone companies, using its monopoly power to crank up the bills, providing rubbish customer service, and all but destroying the communications infrastructure of rural areas. After completely demolishing the confidence of the consumer public, they declared bankruptcy. And then there were the lawsuits...

    Still, that was in the hoary past of...let's see...2008. Maybe they've completed the upgrades, restored customer confidence, settled the lawsuits, and emerged from bankruptcy. So I called them up.
    --
    "We can't put in an order for a new service until the previous order has been completed. Since your order won't be completed until the 9th, you can't order any new services until then. Call us on the 9th and we'll put you in the queue. You should have service by the 16th at the earliest."

    The 16th? It's the third now. Are you saying I have to wait almost two weeks for high-speed internet at the new place?

    "We can't start a new order until the previous order is completed."

    Fine. I'll call you.
    --
    On the 9th, I called Provider 2.

    Hi, I'm calling to have high-speed internet installed in my new apartment.

    "All right, Mr. Who, we can get you all set up. The installer should be there on March 22."

    Wait a minute, the 22nd? Are you kidding? I've only been offline for three days and I'm experiencing withdrawal. You expect me to last two more weeks?

    "That's the earliest we can get an installer out to your home."

    Okay, fine. See you on the 22nd. And that's the combination phone and broadband package, right?

    "Unfortunately, we can't offer you that deal because you'll be ordering separately. If you'd ordered both services together, we could offer the discount rate, but because you ordered separately, our billing department counts them as separate services."

    Wait a minute. You're selling these two services for fifty dollars each, but sixty dollars for the pair. And I can't get the pair and have to pay forty dollars extra per month because I didn't order them both on the same day?

    "We're terribly sorry, sir, there's nothing we can do."

    ...Fine. I'll see you on the 22nd.
    --
    After I hung up, I got to thinking. There are other fish in the sea. Maybe one of them could deliver broadband sooner than two weeks. And bundle the services. So I called Provider 3.

    Provider 3 was the first broadband provider in the area. It had started broadband because it was desperate to recoup the losses it had incurred when it bought our local cable provider and decided to indulge in a little price-gouging. It is solely responsible for the overwhelming response to the spread of DirecTV in our area. Having lost a third of its customer base by providing crappy cable service, it decided to get into the crappy broadband service, and rushed cable internet into service before it had perfected the technology, or trained its techs. Their service brigade ruined dozens of computers and took dozens of claims before they got the bugs out.

    I stopped using Provider 3 in 2003 when they proved incapable of providing a stable signal to my house. They replaced the entire apartment building's cable system without ever tracking down the fault. Still, new apartment. So i called them, and they were amenable to delivering service on the 19th. Their phone service was cheaper, too, so I could tell Provider 2 to go fly a kite. I told them, yes, I wanted to keep my current phone number. The 18th wasn't a huge improvement over the 22nd, but it was something. Trying to surf the web on an iPhone is the broadband equivalent of scraping the resin.
    --
    Three days after calling Provider 3, they called back in a tizzy, weeping with apology, stating that because of an error in creating my account, they had to do the whole process over again, and now they wouldn't be able to arrive until the 26th. Of course, if I was willing to give up my phone number, they wouldn't have to re-do the account.

    In what was probably not the smartest thing I ever did, I agreed to give up the phone number I'd had for seventeen years in exchange for getting broadband delivered a week early. To say I was cross was putting it mildly, but Provider 2 had called in the interim and told me that for no particular reason they were pushing their delivery date to the 25th, and I didn't really want to deal with them, either.
    --
    So these two communications behemoths were actively competing with each other to see who could provide the crappiest customer service. On the 18th, I set my alarm to wake me up early enough to meet the installer and finally get my broadband on.

    Two and a half hours into the five hour window, I got a call from Provider 3. Anyone want to guess how it went?

    "Hi, there's been an error creating your account, and we need to push your appointment back to the 29th, unless you're willing to change your..."

    Wait wait wait. I just had this exact same conversation three days ago.

    "I'm sorry?"

    I had this exact conversation three days ago with someone who sounded just like you. There's been an error processing my account and it'll take a few extra days to process it unless I surrender my phone number, right? And I have to do that verification thing again?

    "Well, uh..." (rustle rustle) "Yes...we do have you down for delivery on the 24th, but this would push that to the 29th unless..."

    Um NO. Today. You have me down for delivery TODAY. Your installer is supposed to be by between noon and five. Which it is.

    "We...don't have you down for..."

    At this point, my roommate, who had been awakened by the ringing phone and had heard my half of the conversation, started yelling. I'm not of Victorian sensibilities, but I won't repeat his imprecations, save that they were probably picked up by the cheap telephone receiver.

    The turnaround was alarming.

    (rustle rustle) "Oh, look, ha ha we do have your original order right here sir yes! For the 18th! With a new phone number! At our bundle package rate!" She said something rapid-fire about the account being "duplicated" or something.

    I managed to calm my roommate - good thing I still had some of the big elephant tranquilizers - and provided a brief explanation of what I'd been through so far with their "service." She told me that an installer should be on the way and that they'd call me about a half hour before they arrived. She backpedaled so fast I could have harnessed her for electricity.

    Twenty no-kidding minutes later, a white van screeched up to the curb outside the house and the installer knocked on the door.

    Now, as he was installing (and he seemed to be dealing with various technical hiccups of his own along the way, including a journey into the depths of the basement and multiple calls back to home base), I got to thinking. I'd been lectured repeatedly by several different ISP's concerning state and federal law regarding telephone installation. There was no such thing as a one-day turnaround.

    On the other hand, I knew where Provider 3's dispatch office was located, since I used to pay my cable bill there. How far was the drive? ...About twenty minutes.

    Had they gauged the negative reaction of a severely tried client, grabbed a tech off his duly appointed rounds, shoved the equipment in his arms, and sent him straight off to do an emergency install? It was bizarrely likely.

    Even after the installer left, probably to write his own Customers Suck essay ("and there was this one guy standing up in his kitchen with his shirt off and his gut hanging out, eating Fruity Pebbles and glaring at me the whole time"), I had some technical issues with the speed of the service. Annoying. I'm trying to figure out if the problem is my router (likely) or the provider.
    --
    And the saga isn't over yet. When I called Provider 2, having declared Provider 3 the "winner," I was asked why I was calling. I said, "I'd like to cancel my phone service and an install for broadband I have pending."

    The representative on the other end of the phone said, "Certainly, sir, I'll transfer you immediately." I was transferred to a message saying, "All our offices are closed. Please call back during normal office hours."

    I looked at the clock. 3:30.

    I looked at the "normal office hours" on the bill in front of me. 8:00-6:00.

    I looked at the clock. Still 3:30.

    To date, I haven't discovered what constitutes "normal office hours" for Provider 2, since I have yet to catch them open. It's like when a client wants to cancel, they draw the drapes and kill the lights and pretend no one's home. I have a creepy feeling that a grinning installer is going to show up on the 22nd and be dismally surprised.

    Love, Who?

  • #2
    That reminds me of when we moved from an apartment at the beach to the trailer we've been in the last 9 years. We had The Red Check when we were down at the beach, and they provided pretty good service as far as I could tell(But I was 14, as long as I could get on Neopets and some small My Little Pony forums... I was happy as a clam). Then we moved. Hm, service didn't work... So Mommy Retail called to have them check. They said they'd all back.

    ...

    No call back.

    A few days later, called again, same thing.

    ...

    No call...?

    THIRD call back...

    "Oh, we don't have service out there."

    You can imagine, Mommy Retail was not happy, since TGR had been hopping on for a few minutes at a time via dial-up to print out stories posted on Neopets' little newspaper thing they did, just to have something to do all day besides JUST watch TV(It was the start of summer). We had AOL at the time, which was set up on one of their "Free because we're on a high-speed provider". Which meant, since TGR'd been hopping on dial-up... Hi, bill!

    Eventually, we switched to... Either it was White Space Man, or someone else. But when Retail-in-law and sister moved in with us in their move out here, along came a T-1 line, since Retail-in-law does a lot of online work as his job from home.

    Right now, we've got White Space Man, since I'm paying the bill now. The only issues we've actually had have been with our routers
    Look, a signature!

    If every cashier in the world went on strike, retail would come to a screeching halt, even if for a couple hours.

    Comment


    • #3
      Ugh. Cincinnati Object that Rings (not real name) .. I tried four times to get it right with them, and never did. Had to end up going back to TWC out of frustration..and I hate TWC. The first time everything was fine, they had the right services/etc ... nobody showed up. No reason why, no explanation. Called them back.

      "What they should have been there. They were not? We will reschedule."

      The second time, they didn't have the right services, etc. We wanted all three, they came out for phone only. Didn't get anything done mind you, but meh.

      "What, that wasn't the right services, oh looks like our computer fouled up. Be out first thing in the morning."

      They showed, turned on the outside phone line..and left. Didn't even come inside.

      "No no, your services are on, you are good to go!"

      "So despite not having a satellite (they were using a dish network thing), and no router that was promised us..we are good to go?"

      "Yes, yes you are."

      Ok reschedule, reminding them that we need our phone jacks fixed (which is why they were to be paid an extra $100)...and they would need to come inside to do that.

      "We will fix everything."

      Bring out the router, leave it OUTSIDE..with a dish (not installed). Guess what, no jack fixing either. Yeah..no.
      Engaged to the amazing Marmalady. She is my Silver Dragon, shining as bright as the sun. I her Black Dragon (though good honestly), dark as night..fierce and strong.

      Comment


      • #4
        I've decided that utility companies are evil. Not the employees - some seem to genuinely want to help but some feed you so much bullshit - but the companies are *set up* to do this sort of crap.

        Comment


        • #5
          If I can give you a bit of warning, you might want to keep notes of your attempts to cancel the service with provider #2. Dates you talk to them, names of who you talk to, times of day that you get the "closed" message.

          Because they sound like just the sort that might hit your credit with an unpaid collection because you never paid for their "service". It's a pain and a half to dispute something with a credit bureau, but it at least gives you ammo, and you may be able to use it also to dispute any bill with the company, assuming you ever get a hold of them. Also, if you set up any sort of automatic payment out of your account/debit/credit card (which hopefully you did not), you can use the same notes to dispute any charges taken out.

          Comment


          • #6
            Heh. I used to live in Cincinnati and just about fell out of my chair the first time I saw a cable bill from there. It was something like $80 for a service Public Cable in this state provided for $25. Then Cincinnati's cable provider - yes, they're the "Provider 3" in the mess mentioned above - bought out Public Cable and tried to raise the prices to match.

            They fell afoul not only of their entire customer base, but the State Legislature, who not only debated for a while over whether a cable subscription counted as a "utility" but were only too happy to let competing services like Adelphia ply their trade in this state. They also hadn't realized that this state doesn't have the same "I NEED IT TO LIVE!" attitude towards cable as other markets, and a lot of people in rural areas still had their antennas and they worked just fine, thank you very much. No wonder they were so hot to run broadband; they weren't selling anything that their new market was interested in buying.

            Which made it all the more amazing when Provider 2 came along 10 years later and did more or less the *exact same bloody thing.*

            God, I'd hate to be a CSR for a communications company. I wouldn't last a week. No one should be forced to work the front lines of a company that badly mismanaged. You don't think about it while you're on the phone, but later you think, "Damn, I just bent the ear of a CSR who has nothing to do with the idiot policies and scheduling that company has."

            Love, Who?

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth Ben_Who View Post
              They also hadn't realized that this state doesn't have the same "I NEED IT TO LIVE!" attitude towards cable as other markets, and a lot of people in rural areas still had their antennas and they worked just fine, thank you very much. No wonder they were so hot to run broadband; they weren't selling anything that their new market was interested in buying.
              Yeah, I don't have cable. Don't have satellite either. Don't need it. My broadband, however... THAT is a necessity.

              Funny, I'm just with TWC, who doesn't have the best reputation in the world, but they had no issue whatsoever giving me the package deal when I decided to leave my phone company and add the phone to the cable package I already had. One of these days I may just drop the land line, but my super-cheap $15 a month cell phone bill has too limited of minutes to make it my only phone.

              Comment


              • #8
                When we moved, we tried to move the DSL line too. They took the order to move, even send me the confirmation and after the move I called them when I would be connected.

                They didnt have coverage in the new place, so they cancelled the move. No, I had to wait 2 motnhs for cancellation and blahblahblah.

                WTF???? You screwed it up and I have to pay for it? No freaking way, you might think. But then......

                The new compagnie couldnt connect because I allready had a DSL line on record.... AT THE OLD PLACE

                Crappy dutch communication law......

                Comment


                • #9
                  *shudder* I'm moving in a month, and I've had lots of notice of where and when I'm moving, so knock on wood, I'll have a smooth move, as far as my utilities are concerned. But I have made sure that I've kept records of who I told to do what and when. (Since I'm dropping Rogers and picking up Aliant FibreOp at the same time, and I have some overlap in the service periods for that, and for the power). Luckily it is only 3 groups I'm dealing with, and generally speaking I've never really had a problem with any of them, but I've got my eye on each of them.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    We just moved and had a salesguy come to our door to offer us a bundle package of services that we wanted, so we accepted. They sent the install guy out and oh no, they actually don't have that service in our area! So we got a lesser service and two weeks later another salesguy from the same company came by to offer us the service we wanted in the first place. He was surprised when we told him that his service didn't actually work in our area. But my mom gave him some BBQ and they still listened to his spiel. lol.
                    It turns out now they do offer it in our neighborhood.
                    We ask ourselves when we get in a fix, what would Popeye do in a tight spot like this? He'd race for his true love and easily win it, in an old spinach can with a mast stuck in it. -Jimmy Buffett

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Taboo View Post
                      I've decided that utility companies are evil. Not the employees - some seem to genuinely want to help but some feed you so much bullshit - but the companies are *set up* to do this sort of crap.
                      I can back that up 100%. It's not always the grunts on the line that you talk to that make the decisions, but the company that prohibits the grunts from fighting back against sucky SCs or thoroughly helping worthy customers. I used to be a CSR for Dish Network and remember those times.

                      My ex was a buddy (a CSR who is trained to help new employees learn the ropes of the software and handling customer calls). She tells me times that she was working with seniors or those who had a hard time grasping concepts, but would carefully work them through getting their tech problems solved. The command center in Colorado would see her taking a huge amount of time on a call and would page her supervisor to have him remind her to speed up the call. She had to fight tooth and nail against the command center tough. They don't know what the real calls are like, just what they should be in theory. I even told a few managers during training, "you can't have it both ways" (getting handle time down while resolving customer tech issues, programming changes, answering all their questions). I did like the feeling I got when I solved a tough customer problem and could hear the happiness in the customer's voice.

                      Of course, as a rep with any company, you're not supposed to bad-mouth them either, no matter if your manager agrees with you or not. Whenever I've called my ISP, if there's time I'll chat with them a bit and ask them about their worst customer stories, and recommend them to customerssuck.com

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I finally called back my old phone company and managed to get through to sales and service so that I could be properly disconnected. The CSR on the other end was shocked, SHOCKED, that her company wouldn't offer to bundle phone and internet. I didn't tell her about the horse race, that the first person to get a high-speed internet connection to the house would be declared the winner and the other provider had beaten her company by about four days. Nor did I mention that both companies were more or less tied with regards to crappy customer service (though I suppose Provider #2 scored a narrow victory on points in the final round).

                        The new ISP hasn't given us too much trouble, though I did track down a wireless fault in the router which I had initially wanted to blame on someone else. I'm really, really deep in the hole following this move; I did NOT want to have to buy a new router.

                        Love, Who?

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