That mythical store, Everywhere Else

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

At the Everywhere Else fast food restaurant, they never, ever screw up your order. And they never make you pull over to the side to wait for your food, because it's always waiting at the window when you pull up.

[powerboy]

At EveryPlace Anime, we have every single thing item containing to Anime

[bars.of.a.rhyme]

At Everywhere Else Movie Rental...

...There are no late fees, ever. Even if you keep a movie out for twelve years.

...You can return movies to any other branch of the store, even in different states. If you rented a movie in, say, Arizona, you can return it to my store in Virginia with no penalty. (Yes, this actually happened. Arizona to Virginia.)

...Their inventory is updated every ten minutes, so it's totally permissible to call back four times a day asking for the same item.

...They rent Nintendo DS games.

...Shift Directors plan, pick, and price the month promotions, so at EE it's perfectly legitimate to place blame on the MOD because they "don't do anything special for existing customers."

...They always void your late fees (even though they don't have them - see item one), because you're Such A Good Customer. Have a lollipop.

[Plaidman]

and of course all these places get their stock from "In the back" corp, who have the magical powers to teleport any and all objects instantly to your place, for free, at a discounted price because you had to wait.

[BlakeMP]

You guys need a subscription to the Everywhere Else Gazette.

Only one person works for this newspaper: "The Editor." When you call the newspaper, "The Editor" is the only person you ever have to ask for, no matter what the call is in reference to -- news, sports, lifestyles, editorial, advertising, classifieds, subscription... The Editor does it all.

The Everywhere Else Gazette has been published for 158 years. It has multiple copies of every daily edition on hand, available for you to take, for free. Furthermore, if you don't know what edition you need, The Editor can read your mind and produce it immediately.

The Everywhere Else Gazette will gratefully publish every picture you send in. Your vegetable garden? Your kids built a snowman? Your cat has a towel on its head and you think it's the CUTEST thing? Of course they'll print it. In color. On the front page.

No need to send the Everywhere Else Gazette your information for an obituary to ensure it gets published. The Editor has staked out every funeral home, hospital and hospice in the country. He personally interviews everyone just before they die, to make sure the obituary is completely accurate.

EverywhereElseGazette.com is updated every 13 seconds.

[Spiffy McMoron]

At Everywhere Else Parts:

-We'll be more than happy to process your return! No receipt? No problem! You say you bought it in April at this store? Well, our computer claims that we haven't sold one since last December, but you know what? I never liked that computer, and you have a totally honest face. I'll just need your phone number...

-We'll take core charges (money back for your old, broken, part, which we'll send off to get refurbished -Spiffy) for everything in the store. Even stuff that can't be refurbished.

-10% just-because-you're-special discount. On everything.

-We'll never hesitate to recommend a roll of duct tape instead of recommending that you get a proper alternator/brake pads/oil filter, just so you have an extra $10 to spend on cheap beer.

-Feel free to talk about how much new cars suck, because they contain plastic. Feel free to ingore how new cars are designed to protect you in a crash, whereas cars from the 60's and 70's had such safety features as optional lap belts, and glass that would shred your face. Feel free to talk about how it used to cost you $10 to fix it, even though, adjusted for inflation, it's now cheaper to fix your car. Also, feel free to say that old cars are faster, longer lasting, more reliable, and more fuel efficient, even thought they are not.

[toolbert]

At the everywhere else botique, you can find a plethora of services that best fit your everyday needs. Some of our services include:

~Every known piece of pda part imaginable. Cracked your screen? Lost some screws? Accidently popped off a button? Look no further than us here. You'll never have to send it into repairs again because we'll also fix it on site at no cost to you!

~Need a babysitter while you're roaming around the mall? Look no further cause our pattened Everywhere Daycare System™, we'll take care of all your kid's needs as well as run our store in a happy nature.

~At the Everywhere Botique we will also carry all of the old, out of production cables and accessories that you can't find anywhere that's not the internet. Our underground machines can re-create anything within a matter of minutes so you'll never have to even dream of finding anything for yourself...EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Also, our employees will gladly take any returns no matter how old they are....even if you destroyed it yourself! Now, take a sledge hammer, baby slobber, water, cola, we'll even allow the return if you don't have the receipt!

So, come on down to the Everywhere Botique, where we throw our intuition out the window!!!!

[Yossarian]

Here at Every Other Bank, we are open 24/7. This includes all known holidays.

We recognize all our customers on sight, even those who have never been here before. Of course we don't need your ID to cash that check.

At Every Other Bank, we know that sometimes you just felt like buying that big screen TV today, even though you don't get paid until Friday. We'll totally cover you until then.

Our ATM is constantly being refilled by gnomes, so we never have to shut it down to refill and balance it.

Of course you don't have to pay for our Every Other Bank cashier's checks. We get them free, after all. Likewise, you can have unlimited boxes of checks for your account completely free.

We charge only Prime -5% for our loans, and give you Prime +5% for your savings account. Don't worry about keeping any minimum balance in there, either...we'll give you money anyway.

At Every Other Bank, we never have lines inside or in our drive through. We know exactly what you want when you throw your check down on our counter, we psychically know your account number, and we'll always have plenty of brand-new bills.

And yes, of course we give out free samples.

[Byronthebanker]

But wait there's more . ...at Every Other Bank's branch office:

We notarize your wife/mother/brother/uncle/dog's signature without witnessing their signing the documents because they are too sick/busy/in jail/hurt foot in the car/drving a truck on the road to come in. We also will notarize documents written in languages we don't speak or read.

We also ignore that the prime rate has gone up 17 times in a row and still charge the same 4% on your credit lines as when you opened them.

At our office, feel free to take the nice pens at our desks because you like how smooth they write.

Every Other Bank's new free checking now includes waiving every fee, because we have to "by law (according to you, the customer is always right)" since we call it free. This includes but is not limited to: overdraft fees, fees for using your debit card in foreign countries, fees for using ATMs owned by other banks, the cost to order checks with pcitures and your initials in gold foil and a cutsie line over the signature line that says something like, "how can I be overdrawn, I still have checks left." We further don't charge free account holders for money orders, cashiers checks, travelers checks, gift cards, statement research, copies of all checks you paid to your landlord in 1999. We also do international wires free when you are sending the money back to Nigeria where you just won a lottery you never played.

New service we offer is that we allow customers to just write down the part of the account number they know - and we can be sure to get the money to and from the right account every time.

Every other Bank's (branch office) hold policy is that we don't hold funds from any check. Even if you just settled your old account with our collections department, and are giving us a check from your late aunt's estate that just happened to be settled 2500 miles away on a bank that is closed for lunch when I called them. - no hold .instant $20,000 in your account.

Did I say free toasters? yep, that's right . .just what you always needed - open an account with Any Other Bank's branch office, and get a free toaster.

[blas]

At the Everywhere Else Gas Station:

Here at the Everywhere Else Gas Station, we do things a little differently. We KNOW that the customer is always right, and we will never consider the customer wrong. Here are some of the reasons that we are just the best gas station to go to:

Don't want to pay for your gas? Just feel like taking a risk and driving off? Have at it! We at the Everywhere Else Gas Station make so much money with our enormous clientel that we can afford any and all drive offs. So go ahead, run your Suburban down to E and then fill up, on us! Go ahead, drive off, we won't dare write down your plates or call it in to the police.

Need a good place to do your drug deals? The side of our building is the perfect place to do that! No, we won't feel suspicious at all when multiple cars pull up to the side of the building. Go ahead, make your deals, make your money. We don't dare call the cops. After all, drug dealers need a safe, public place to do their business.

At the Everywhere Else Gas Station, we don't card. We'll honestly take your word that you are at least 18, despite how young you may look. We don't card for anything, cigarettes, beer, lotto, or Sudafed. In fact, take as many boxes of Sudafed as you need. There are complimentary coffee filters, batteries, and all your other meth making needs right by the door! Help yourself! We won't dare suspect anything or call the cops!

At the Everywhere Else Gas Station, our employees remember every customer. Every employee knows what cigarettes each customer smokes, what kind of beer they drink, and which lotto games they play.

Go ahead, scratch away. At the Everywhere Else Gas Station, we have tables and chairs where customers can play scratch off games for hours and hours. Still want to scratch after closing time? Fine by us! Just let the employee know that he/she will have to stay open for YOU. Of course, the employee will be happy to stay hours late to let you feed your habbit!

It's after midnight, but you just won $2 on a scratch off and want to validate it to buy more? No problem! Our lotto machine doesn't do "downtime". There is no time where lotto validation cannot be done. After all, our customers should be able to gamble and validate whenever the heck they feel like it!

Is the pop in the cooler too warm? No problem! Ask the employee behind the counter to turn on the remote, and the cooler will revolve like a door and show older, colder sodas. After all, that employee should have known better than to stock the cooler anyways, considering YOU were coming and YOU want a nice, cold pop.

Coffee/cappuccino/hot cocoa/tea is only 25 cents (even the large cups) and refills are free!

Here at Everywhere Else Gas Station, we let children take matches and buy lighters. After all, these are nice looking children that know better than to play with fire and set houses ablaze.

EBT? You betcha! In fact, you can buy cigarettes/beer/lotto with your EBT card at the Everywhere Else Gas Station!

[Dips]

Here at Every Other Bank, we are open 24/7.

<snip>

I haven't worked at a bank since 1982 [it was the only job I was ever fired from, long story ], but those look very familiar. Here are some other things that Every Other Bank did back in the early eighties.

Don't forget that safety deposit box holders at Every Other Bank can just waltz into the vault unescorted if they don't want to wait for an an available employee to take them to the vault.

As a matter of fact, there are no off-limits area at Every Other Bank. Customers can walk into any office or behind the tellers' counter if they want to use the office equipment, need a pen or need to use the phone.

Every Other Bank also will credit deposits and mortagage payments for any day the customer decides. There is no cutoff. If your mortgage is due today and you show up after the doors are locked and the tellers are settling, just shove you payment between the door and the jam and drive off at top speed befor they can say anything. They will HAVE to take you payment or deposit for that day.

Every Other Bank will also willingly take counterfeit bills. After all, it's not YOUR fault that someone passed them to you; why should YOU be out the money?

Every Other Bank's terminals hardly ever go offline. Even when they do, no problem! EOB's tellers are trained to channel your account balance using their mind powers as soon as you whine the magic incantation, "What do you meeeaaan, they're offline? I neeeeeeeed to know my balance right nooooow." After all, why should YOU have to bother keeping track of you balance in your register?

[Moirae]

At Everywhere Else Call center..

-We can push a single button and fix ANY problem you happen to have with your computer from 2000 miles away by just taking your word that you are who you say you are.

-You don't have to pay for any of our services because you're just so wonderful even if you're the nastiest possible person that's been screaming at me for the last hour. And we'll just automatically know when someone else calls in trying to mess with your account and you don't know them.

-Our fees will never change or go up because, for our company, inflation doesn't exist.

-You'll never have to wait in que because we can automatically clone every single one of our employees at an eyeblink so you're call will automatically get answered on the first ring.

-Yes we are responsible for your power going out, for your dog deciding that the modem is a toy, for your kid trying to shove an ice cream cone into the CD drive, and putting your fingers inside the computer when it's running is a great idea.

[I_Hate_SCs]

This post has some elements from a previous incarnation of this board, but some are new. At the Everywhere Else retail store:

- Interested in checking the backroom for an item? No problem! Walk through the backroom doors and you find another fully-replenished store just for you. Still don't see what you need there? A store employee will read your mind immediately and send the product from the nearest store in the blink of the eye, since you are the all-important customer!

- Need help? Well there's no reason to look for an employee. We have an employee stationed on the end of every aisle of the store...on both sides! But hark! Is that still not good enough? Located on every item's shelf label is a 'customer assistance' call button that will page the closest employee to you for help. Of course the employee will run at top speed to get to you as fast as possible since we'd hate for you to wait a second for help!

- Too lazy to walk? At the Everywhere Else retail store, we offer an (obviously free) service where any employee of your choice (the smaller, the better) will personally carry you throughout the store so you don't have to walk. Additionally, a second employee will push your cart for you and retrieve any items you need.

- Worried about your car getting hit by a cart at the store? At your request, we will activate our magical & invisible car barriers that reflect any incoming carts onto other customer's cars. Who cares if another customer's car gets totalled by a runaway cart ... as long as your car is left undamaged its okay!

- Hate the long checkout line? We have a register at the end of every aisle, next to the employee standing at the same spot already mentioned. Is the employee busy helping somebody else? Don't worry ... a clone cashier will suddenly appear out of nowhere and will be eagar to serve you.

- At the Everywhere Else store's fitting room, the limit of items you can bring in is as much as your arms can hold. Still not good enough? Bring in your group of friends, each with an armful of clothes for you to try on. The more the merrier!

- Was an employee mean to you? Finally fulfill your dream of 'having their job'! At the blink of an eye, you can trade places with the employee and you can have their job for a day. The only downside is the employee will now have your (probably) much higher-paying job and will get to keep any wages earned.

- Everywhere Else has a vast product selection. Can't find that rare thimble at your local Target? Don't worry ... we have 10 aisles of thimbles and thimble-themed accessories! Don't forget to check out our extensive eraser department, which is next to our 20-aisle big cufflink department!

-Price matches are done on the type of item, not the exact item. You want the $500 Dyson vacuum for the price of the cheap Dirt Devil hand vac? Sure! Why shouldn't we honor it ... they ARE both vacuums, right? The other store sells blank DVDs for 99 cents, but you want the season 4 DVD set of '24' (that costs $42.99) for only a dollar? Sure, they are both DVDs, who cares if one of them has stuff pre-recorded on it!

[Pongydog]

Why not come watch a movie at .......The Everywhere Else Multiplex Cinema

where:

-The latest Star Wars/pixar/spiderman/whatever movie is allready showing even though it isn't released for another two weeks. and......Some movie from 6 months ago that you can now rent at Blockbuster is stillshowing.

-You can even come one hour late to the movie and still get in.

-Plus you also buy a child ticket for your 26 year old son, and your daughter can get a student discount with her college card that expired june 1998.

-And they let un-accompanied 8 year old kids in adult horror movies at 10pm at night who are allowed to talk, smoke and drink cans of beer on the back row.


And..
-You can have both cheese and salsa with your nachos for no extra charge.

[BlakeMP]

Actually, at my movie theatre nachos DO come with cheese and salsa... but I'd never throw a stink if they were extra. Heck, I never eat the salsa anyway...