Tweet
Aquarius
Like a badly mixed cocktail in a Chelsea pub, the stars are producing two distinct flavours for your future. The bad news first; in one week’s time, you will die. The good news; you won’t be dead-dead, you’ll be one of the living-dead, more commonly referred to as “zombies”. Life (is this the right word?) as a zombie can be quite comfortable nowadays, with high strength moisturisers and rare-cooked steaks essential commodities. Whilst returning home to your parents at Christmas as one of the undead may be awkward to explain at first, they will surely get used to it; they expect their offspring to get up to strange shenanigans at university. Be careful not to drink too much wine at Christmas dinner however, as losing your inhibitions and trying to eat Grandma’s brains will not win you any favour amongst the family.
Pisces
Pluto is waning in such a way that suggests that in the next week you should beware of ghosts and ghouls that plan on bursting from the underworld and dragging you down into the world of the dead. In every strange nook and crevice lies danger; the dark space under your bed, the mysterious corners of your lecture theatres, the common rooms of certain colleges… Then again, Pluto has been acting stroppily ever since it was demoted from planet status, so it could just be making it up in a cry for attention. Don't take this the wrong way, but you are so dumb, you could be outwitted by a goldfish. Never mind. Perhaps the New Year has something better in store for you... but I wouldn't hold your breath, if I were you.
Aries
Wear the ugly knitted sweater, please. Do it for Grandma… and also for your karma bank, which is woefully low at the moment. Don't worry, ugly Christmas sweaters are very "in" this year and all the supermodels are wearing them, so you won't look too stupid despite the fact that you, obviously, are not a supermodel. Being nice around the holidays isn’t worth anything if you are a Grinch the rest of the year. Quit acting like such a pain in the neck every once in a while and maybe people will start inviting you to parties instead of sending you knocked down Christmas-themed snow globes from the pound store. You are threatening to become a real bore next month, as you drone on about how much you hate January. Quit it. Everyone hates that month, they don't need you reminding them.
Taurus
Thick headed bull that you may be, you will do some good in the world this month as you will manage to talk a suicidal jumper out of killing himself. This bodes well both for him, and also for your karma bank. However, don't overdose on either the smugness or the eggnog. Remember what happened last Christmas? With the holiday season upon us all, use this time to clean up the messes that you caused during the year. People will be happy to hear that you have matured and will look to the future rather than dwell on the past. Your strength will come from being close to those you love. Unfortunately for you, most of them are dead, so you might be spending a lot of time in a graveyard. Which sucks, because it’s cold outside.
Gemini
Being two-faced comes in handy round Christmas, as you smilingly thank Great Aunt Maude for the bright yellow jumpsuit she bought you, while simultaniously wondering just how much it would fetch on ebay. Stop looking to your magic eight ball for help. It can't tell you anything that I can't tell you. With that out of the way, your magic eight ball is usually right. See what I did there? Yeah, I’m good. Someone you know is going to seriously disappoint you. Don’t be nasty to them, just accept the fact that they might not be as awesome as you thought they might be. Both of you will be better off for it. I am sorry that you put all your hope into the world ending on the 21st, but let that be a lesson to you. In future, try not to read too much into trivialities such as the ending of calendars.
Cancer
When you get sun and rain, you get a rainbow. When you get sun and snow, you get a snowbow. If you’re lucky, you’ll be counting the snowbows. But seeing a snowbow won’t mean that you’ll get lucky, and does not mean you’ll have gotten a good haul this Christmas. Be your own Santa, buy a present for yourself! Try the sale aisle, which will be full of marked down Christmas presents. December is a good drinking month for you; lots of parties, and don't forget New Year's Eve. Don't worry, no-one really knows any of the words to "Auld Lang Syne" at all, they're just pretending they do, just like you are, and are too drunk to really care. Remember I mentioned snow earlier? Yup, snow is on the way which is bad news for anyone around you, cuz crabs really don't like the cold AT ALL and aren't shy about showing it.
Leo
Try and get your Christmas tree put away in a timely fashion this year. Last year, if I recall, you only got round to putting it away in late August, you slob. Your family is going to drive you nuts this month. What else is new? Just shut the hell up and quit complaining about it. Everyone is in the same boat this year. You are in grave danger. Avoid the colour white at all costs. If you don’t it will only kill you faster. If it snows where you are, just walk around blindfolded the whole time. The elves are out to get you, and I don't mean the ones who appear on fantasy movies looking superior and making you want to pelt them with snowballs. I mean Santa's slaves, who have fixated you as the symbol of vast consumerism which means they have to work their fingers to the bone making toys. Keep an eye out for patches of bright red and green following you, and keep a stick handy.
Virgo
You need to assert yourself more than you already do. People notice the bold. Being front and center will draw others to you, and they will be able to help you down the line. Don’t be scared of success. Acting like a doormat will only encourage people to walk all over you. And wipe their feet. And leave milk bottles on you. Am I taking this metaphor too far? Anyway, back to the horrorscope. My advice to you is to buy a new cookbook, cuz otherwise you will be driven mad from eating turkey leftovers for every meal. Besides, a cookbook is a good investment for when you desperately need to impress someone. Thinking of making soft toys for extra cash? Do it. It's a much better get rich quick scheme than your last one. You know what I'm talking about, missus.
Libra
With the holidays here, it’s time to remember what love really means. It means you’re willing to give your life, or spare it, for another. It means you’ll always be willing to lend a hand, a shoulder or knuckle sandwich when needed. Hopefully, this information will come in handy for Libras, since they sometimes think love only means not saying things like, “You are a total moron!” Here's some handy advice for next month; when you hit the mall for the January sales, try not to draw blood in your mad quest for bargains, as blood is murder to get out of soft cloth. Try using a blunt instrument wrapped in plaster instead. After all, it worked for Lord Lucan. As always, you will spend far too much and spend the next few months living off baked beans and chips.
Scorpio
The stars suggest that the universe is plotting against you dear Scorpio, what’s it like knowing everyone hates you? It is time to face the music. That thing you have been putting off will catch up with you. Keep this in mind and 2013 will be your year. The world can be a horrible place. Despite your best efforts, your plans will only come to fruition if others can get their butts in gear and back you up. If they don’t, then all your efforts will go to waste and you may as well spend the rest of your life in bed ignoring them. Get over it. You’re not in a position to bargain any further. Did I mention that the universe really doesn't like you? Must be that past life you had where you spent your time annoying people til they were forced to assassinate you.
Sagittarius
You will lose something very important, but you won’t remember that you’ve even lost it until you desperately need it. It may be your birth certificate, it may be your car keys, but most likely, it will be your mind. On the bright side, that new outfit you bought is very "you". Interpret that however you like. You are kind, you are compassionate and always willing to take a diversion to help someone else. These are all qualities to be proud of. If you feel bad about drawing the line with someone face to face then wait until they’re asleep and do it then instead with a biro over both cheeks. This Christmas when you’re drinking and eating to excess please spare a thought for the real victim of the season: the turkey. Every year, their family and friends are killed so that we can eat them. Poor sods!
Capricorn
Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle is sweet and understandable. You’ve always been one to follow tradition, but beware that it may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going to the supermarket. With a bit of cunning and guile you can save a fortune on expensive washing machines and laundry bills. Just give all your dirty shirts to your local Oxfam shop. They will wash and iron them and then you can buy them all back for fifty pence each. After seeing the latest Twilight movie you will realize what a waste of time those books and movies have been. You will finally take the Taylor Lautner poster down from above your bed and burn all your books and Twilight merchandise. Welcome to the sanity club.
Like a badly mixed cocktail in a Chelsea pub, the stars are producing two distinct flavours for your future. The bad news first; in one week’s time, you will die. The good news; you won’t be dead-dead, you’ll be one of the living-dead, more commonly referred to as “zombies”. Life (is this the right word?) as a zombie can be quite comfortable nowadays, with high strength moisturisers and rare-cooked steaks essential commodities. Whilst returning home to your parents at Christmas as one of the undead may be awkward to explain at first, they will surely get used to it; they expect their offspring to get up to strange shenanigans at university. Be careful not to drink too much wine at Christmas dinner however, as losing your inhibitions and trying to eat Grandma’s brains will not win you any favour amongst the family.
Pisces
Pluto is waning in such a way that suggests that in the next week you should beware of ghosts and ghouls that plan on bursting from the underworld and dragging you down into the world of the dead. In every strange nook and crevice lies danger; the dark space under your bed, the mysterious corners of your lecture theatres, the common rooms of certain colleges… Then again, Pluto has been acting stroppily ever since it was demoted from planet status, so it could just be making it up in a cry for attention. Don't take this the wrong way, but you are so dumb, you could be outwitted by a goldfish. Never mind. Perhaps the New Year has something better in store for you... but I wouldn't hold your breath, if I were you.
Aries
Wear the ugly knitted sweater, please. Do it for Grandma… and also for your karma bank, which is woefully low at the moment. Don't worry, ugly Christmas sweaters are very "in" this year and all the supermodels are wearing them, so you won't look too stupid despite the fact that you, obviously, are not a supermodel. Being nice around the holidays isn’t worth anything if you are a Grinch the rest of the year. Quit acting like such a pain in the neck every once in a while and maybe people will start inviting you to parties instead of sending you knocked down Christmas-themed snow globes from the pound store. You are threatening to become a real bore next month, as you drone on about how much you hate January. Quit it. Everyone hates that month, they don't need you reminding them.
Taurus
Thick headed bull that you may be, you will do some good in the world this month as you will manage to talk a suicidal jumper out of killing himself. This bodes well both for him, and also for your karma bank. However, don't overdose on either the smugness or the eggnog. Remember what happened last Christmas? With the holiday season upon us all, use this time to clean up the messes that you caused during the year. People will be happy to hear that you have matured and will look to the future rather than dwell on the past. Your strength will come from being close to those you love. Unfortunately for you, most of them are dead, so you might be spending a lot of time in a graveyard. Which sucks, because it’s cold outside.
Gemini
Being two-faced comes in handy round Christmas, as you smilingly thank Great Aunt Maude for the bright yellow jumpsuit she bought you, while simultaniously wondering just how much it would fetch on ebay. Stop looking to your magic eight ball for help. It can't tell you anything that I can't tell you. With that out of the way, your magic eight ball is usually right. See what I did there? Yeah, I’m good. Someone you know is going to seriously disappoint you. Don’t be nasty to them, just accept the fact that they might not be as awesome as you thought they might be. Both of you will be better off for it. I am sorry that you put all your hope into the world ending on the 21st, but let that be a lesson to you. In future, try not to read too much into trivialities such as the ending of calendars.
Cancer
When you get sun and rain, you get a rainbow. When you get sun and snow, you get a snowbow. If you’re lucky, you’ll be counting the snowbows. But seeing a snowbow won’t mean that you’ll get lucky, and does not mean you’ll have gotten a good haul this Christmas. Be your own Santa, buy a present for yourself! Try the sale aisle, which will be full of marked down Christmas presents. December is a good drinking month for you; lots of parties, and don't forget New Year's Eve. Don't worry, no-one really knows any of the words to "Auld Lang Syne" at all, they're just pretending they do, just like you are, and are too drunk to really care. Remember I mentioned snow earlier? Yup, snow is on the way which is bad news for anyone around you, cuz crabs really don't like the cold AT ALL and aren't shy about showing it.
Leo
Try and get your Christmas tree put away in a timely fashion this year. Last year, if I recall, you only got round to putting it away in late August, you slob. Your family is going to drive you nuts this month. What else is new? Just shut the hell up and quit complaining about it. Everyone is in the same boat this year. You are in grave danger. Avoid the colour white at all costs. If you don’t it will only kill you faster. If it snows where you are, just walk around blindfolded the whole time. The elves are out to get you, and I don't mean the ones who appear on fantasy movies looking superior and making you want to pelt them with snowballs. I mean Santa's slaves, who have fixated you as the symbol of vast consumerism which means they have to work their fingers to the bone making toys. Keep an eye out for patches of bright red and green following you, and keep a stick handy.
Virgo
You need to assert yourself more than you already do. People notice the bold. Being front and center will draw others to you, and they will be able to help you down the line. Don’t be scared of success. Acting like a doormat will only encourage people to walk all over you. And wipe their feet. And leave milk bottles on you. Am I taking this metaphor too far? Anyway, back to the horrorscope. My advice to you is to buy a new cookbook, cuz otherwise you will be driven mad from eating turkey leftovers for every meal. Besides, a cookbook is a good investment for when you desperately need to impress someone. Thinking of making soft toys for extra cash? Do it. It's a much better get rich quick scheme than your last one. You know what I'm talking about, missus.
Libra
With the holidays here, it’s time to remember what love really means. It means you’re willing to give your life, or spare it, for another. It means you’ll always be willing to lend a hand, a shoulder or knuckle sandwich when needed. Hopefully, this information will come in handy for Libras, since they sometimes think love only means not saying things like, “You are a total moron!” Here's some handy advice for next month; when you hit the mall for the January sales, try not to draw blood in your mad quest for bargains, as blood is murder to get out of soft cloth. Try using a blunt instrument wrapped in plaster instead. After all, it worked for Lord Lucan. As always, you will spend far too much and spend the next few months living off baked beans and chips.
Scorpio
The stars suggest that the universe is plotting against you dear Scorpio, what’s it like knowing everyone hates you? It is time to face the music. That thing you have been putting off will catch up with you. Keep this in mind and 2013 will be your year. The world can be a horrible place. Despite your best efforts, your plans will only come to fruition if others can get their butts in gear and back you up. If they don’t, then all your efforts will go to waste and you may as well spend the rest of your life in bed ignoring them. Get over it. You’re not in a position to bargain any further. Did I mention that the universe really doesn't like you? Must be that past life you had where you spent your time annoying people til they were forced to assassinate you.
Sagittarius
You will lose something very important, but you won’t remember that you’ve even lost it until you desperately need it. It may be your birth certificate, it may be your car keys, but most likely, it will be your mind. On the bright side, that new outfit you bought is very "you". Interpret that however you like. You are kind, you are compassionate and always willing to take a diversion to help someone else. These are all qualities to be proud of. If you feel bad about drawing the line with someone face to face then wait until they’re asleep and do it then instead with a biro over both cheeks. This Christmas when you’re drinking and eating to excess please spare a thought for the real victim of the season: the turkey. Every year, their family and friends are killed so that we can eat them. Poor sods!
Capricorn
Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle is sweet and understandable. You’ve always been one to follow tradition, but beware that it may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going to the supermarket. With a bit of cunning and guile you can save a fortune on expensive washing machines and laundry bills. Just give all your dirty shirts to your local Oxfam shop. They will wash and iron them and then you can buy them all back for fifty pence each. After seeing the latest Twilight movie you will realize what a waste of time those books and movies have been. You will finally take the Taylor Lautner poster down from above your bed and burn all your books and Twilight merchandise. Welcome to the sanity club.