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  • #16
    Quoth Lace Neil Singer View Post
    Since the store ended up burning completely to the ground, I'm afraid we can't give you the pound of flesh you want.
    Off topic for 2 seconds, but Merchant of Venice ftw?

    Back on topic.

    Dear Ms. Minnie,

    We apologize, but most of our staff is Pagan or Satanist and I am Jewish. We do not appreciate you stomping on OUR rights to enjoy OUR holidays. Christmas is based on several pagan solar day festivals, such as Saturnalia, Yuletide and the birth of Mithras on December 25. Due to the lack of suitable pagan songs for the occasion, we have to make do with what we have. If you are still not satisfied, we have earplugs in aisle 12, or several CDs of lovely music by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, along with CD players and batteries, in aisle 24.

    Happy Hanukah and Blessed Solstice,

    Chaim David.

    *

    Dear Burger Hut,

    I find your slogan, "Coz it's there" to be highly offensive. As both a popular author and renowned teacher at Big Honking University, the spelling of the word "Coz" to annoy my delicate sensitivities. The phrase should be "Because it's there" to be grammatically correct. I wish for this glaring typo to be fixed or I will advertise a chain wide boycott on my blog, Facebook and Twitter pages.

    With warm regards,

    John Derriere
    Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.-Winston Churchill

    Comment


    • #17
      Dear Mr. Derriere:

      Thank you for bringing this error to our attention. To ensure it does not happen again, we have changed our slogan to "Fuck you, I'm eating!"

      Burger The Hut

      ================================================== ================

      Dear Big Stu's House of Clothes N' Stuff:

      I bought a powder blue tuxedo from you in 1977. I went to put the tuxedo on this evening, because it's Prime Rib night at the supper club and I wanted to wear something special, and the pants split right in the seat!

      "One Size Fits All" my butt! I may have gained about 60 pounds since I last wore that tuxedo, but that does not excuse you from selling an obviously defective product.

      Gimme a refund for the tuxedo since I cannot wear it anymore, and store credit or else I'll take my business to The Plaid Palace from now on.

      Hubert Jass
      Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

      "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

      Comment


      • #18
        Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh View Post
        To ensure it does not happen again, we have changed our slogan to "Fuck you, I'm eating!"
        Idiocracy FTW!

        Dear Mr. Jass,

        Regarding your request: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

        No.

        And good luck taking your business to the Plaid Palace, as they closed down in 1985.

        Welcome to the 21st century.

        Sincerely,
        Big Stu

        * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

        Dear Shop Mart,

        I was in your store yesterday, waiting in line to buy a cartful of stuff, when the customer in front of me grabbed his chest, gasped and slumped to the floor. Several employees and managers swarmed all around him, making calls on the cellphone and pumping his chest. Fifteen minutes later, two paramedics had put him on a stretcher and wheeled him out of the store.

        Meanwhile, I was ignored! I am a loyal customer of two months, waiting to purchase lots of things, and I was pushed aside for you to tend to that drama queen! How dare you ignore a paying customer!

        I am outraged at your insensitivity, and I won't return to your store unless you give me a $10,000 gift card and free gasoline for a year.

        Sincerely,
        Ann Titlement-Whore
        I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
        My LiveJournal
        A page we can all agree with!

        Comment


        • #19
          Dear Mrs Titlement-Whore

          I'm sorry that you think that you feel that you were inconvenienced in this way and that you think that your shopping is more important than trying to prevent the death of our other paying customers.

          After consideration I have decided that there is no way in hell that I am going to give you, who thinks that it was insensitive to attend to someone in distress rather than treat you like the princess that you are, what you want. So clear off somewhere else.

          Sincerely,
          Shop Mart


          Dear Superstore Manager

          I attended your closing down sale and was outraged to discover that everything was ONLY 60% off! When a store closes you should pass it on to your customers! Yes I along with many others stopped attending your store to go to the cheaper competitors store down the road several years ago, but when we found out you were closing we came here to see what bargains we could pick up on the cheap, and we were all angry to discover that even when you are closing forever, you still weren't prepared to put your customers first at the expense of everything else.

          I demand a full apology for the distress this caused me or I will never shop with you again, and I mean it!

          Sincerely,

          A. Skinflint.

          Comment


          • #20
            Dear Skinflint,

            Before I address your concerns I have a few of my own. Primarily, how the hell did you get my home address?

            The store closed down three months ago, with all new mail being delivered to corporate, yet I wake up to find this among my Holiday cards. I'm actually quite scared at the moment.

            It truly saddens me to hear you will not be shopping at our store anymore. Almost as much as it saddens me that no one will be shopping at our store anymore. As it has been closed, for three months.

            Thank you for your completely empty threat;
            Ms. Manager

            --------------------------------------------
            To the management of Belle's Gowns and Dresses;

            The other day I went to your store to purchase a size 9 ballgown to wear to my sister's holiday party. I was shocked to find that NONE of your size 9 dresses fit.

            I demanded the sales girl search the store for a size 9 that would fit me, and she has the audacity to tell me to try on a size 11. ELEVEN

            I am not some bloated cow who doesn't know how to put away the fork when she sees a slice of cake, no matter what the snotty brats you employ may think. I have never been so hurt in all my life.

            I demand a full apology in the form for a minute long TV spot during the Super Bowl, a $100,000,000 gift certificate, the immediate extermination of that horrible sales girl, and a lovely size 9 gown for free. And this one had better fit.

            My brother's wife's best friend's hairdresser knows the secretary of the biggest law firm in town. If you don't give into my totally reasonable demands, I will sue you for everything you are worth.

            Signed;
            Suevera Huffy
            Hinakiba777- Student of Divinity-Always trying to get laid.

            Annoying student=I pay tuition here so I pay your salary!
            Desk Worker=I pay tuition here, too. So I guess I pay myself.

            Comment


            • #21
              Dear Ms Huffy,

              Enclosed is a size 9 tag, a needle and a reel of cotton. Please feel free to sew the tag into whichever size dress you choose to purchase. I trust that is satisfactory.

              Yours,

              Mrs Manager.



              Dear Card Shop Manager,

              I bought my son a helium balloon from your store. When we went outside, he let go the string and the balloon went into the sky. Your shop assistant was very rude and would not give us a free balloon to replace the one that was lost. I hope she's satisfied; she has ruined my son's entire life and he will require years of therapy due to this incident. I demand that you fire this witch or I will sue you for everything you have.

              Yours sincerely,

              Helle Copterparent.


              Quoth ralerin View Post
              Off topic for 2 seconds, but Merchant of Venice ftw?
              Shakespeare is always ftw. XD
              People who don't like cats were probably mice in an earlier life.
              My DeviantArt.

              Comment


              • #22
                Dear Helle:

                I live in a cardboard box. Your threat does not scare me in any way.

                Card Shop Manager, who must've been downsized but hasn't been informed of this yet.

                ================================================== ================

                Dear Shop Mart:

                I was in your store the other day buying some last-minute Hanukkah gifts, and the putz checking me out told me "Merry Christmas."

                Oy gevalt! I was buying a Jenga game and an MP3 player! How could she not know I'm Jewish.

                What a schlemiel she your cashier is! I demand you fire her! Now I'm all verklempt!

                Hymen Hyman
                Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

                Comment


                • #23
                  (This looks like fun)

                  Dear Mr Hymen Hymen,

                  Since you seem so offended at the idea of someone wishing you a Merry Christmas, than have a crappy Christmas and a shitty new year.

                  Sincerely, Shop Mart Manager.



                  Dear Gas Mart

                  Three months ago when I was on vacation in Las Vegas, I bought a bag of chips worth 99 cents with a dollar bill at your store and the clerk never offered my one penny in change. I demand that my change be airmailed back to my home across the state or I will make sure to never set foot in your store again.

                  Signed, Jack Kass.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Dear Mr. Kass,

                    See this stamp on the top of your envelope? That is your one penny. Now please go and donate that same penny to a child who could use it.

                    Sincerely, Gas Mart Peon.

                    Dear Large Supermarket,

                    I was at the checkout the other day and the person who served me wore a Muslim headscarf and was offended at having to touch pork! I demand that you fire or place her out of sight as we are a Christian nation and no Muslim person should be allowed to work at a checkout...

                    Sincerely,

                    Miss Ray Cist.
                    The best professors are mad scientists! -Zoom

                    Now queen of USSR-Land...

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Miss Cist,

                      You may want to re read your bible, particularly the part about loving your neighbor. I don't think Jesus would condone firing a cashier of a different faith.

                      Sincerely, a non Christian Manager.

                      PS: Are you going to demand my termination now that I said I wasn't Christian?



                      Dear Burger King.

                      I went to your restaurant to purchase a Whopper. Everyone laughed at me! When the manager came, he told me they don't serve whoppers there, saying something about a "big mac". I demand that everyone of your employees at that restaurant be fired for their rude behavior! Since when do they stop serving whoppers?

                      Yours truely,

                      Moe Ron.

                      (Can you guess what happened to this guy?)
                      Last edited by rageaholic; 12-23-2009, 05:10 PM.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Dear Mr Ron,

                        I believe your problem could be solved if you'd gone to the opticions before heading off to purchase fast food. A new pair of glasses could solve the problem you had when you mistook McDonalds for Burger King .

                        Yours sincerely,

                        Mr Manager.


                        Dear Crapmart Manager,

                        I went to buy cigarettes at the kiosk today and the girl had the nerve to ask me for ID. I am sure that she only asked me for ID cuz I'm black. I demand that this racist clerk be fired at once.

                        Yours,

                        Ms Racecardpuller.
                        People who don't like cats were probably mice in an earlier life.
                        My DeviantArt.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Dear Ms. Racecardpuller,

                          if you look under 25 our staff have to ask. It's the same whether you are white, black or blue with pink spots. I regret to have to inform you that on this occasion your race card has been declined.

                          Yours sincerely,
                          Crapmart Manager


                          Dear Manager,

                          I had come out of the post office when I saw one of your employees across the street, so I went over to him to ask him about one of the promotions that you are doing. Before I had finished talking to him a car pulled up and he got inside. I informed him that I hadn't finished and wanted more information he said that he had to go as he was going to a funeral.

                          How dare he think that anything is more important than talking to his customers! He clearly doesn't know anything about customer service so he should be fired and I should receive a £500 gift voucher for my inconvenience.

                          Sincerely,

                          A.N. Idiot.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Dear Idiot:

                            Thank you for informing us of your issue. Rest assured, we have addressed it to your satisfaction. We dragged that particular employee's direct manager out of his office and beat him to death. The funeral is Tuesday.

                            Some Suit

                            ================================================== ================

                            Dear Fun-O-Rama Toys:

                            I recently purchased one of your Really Really Flatulent Man action figures for my son. Like many young boys, he is into all those super heroes with the punching and the kicking and the pulling of the hair and the blaster rays and all that.

                            My son thought the action figure would make him fly, so he climbed up to the third-floor balcony, held the action figure over his head, and jumped off. He's dead now.

                            Give me a coupon for a free toy of my choice and put warnings on the action figures telling people they will not make them fly, or else I will sue you back to the stone age.

                            N.O. Brain
                            Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                            "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Dear No Brain,

                              We have much sympathy for your loss. However, we cannot be held responsible for your son's belief that he and the toy could fly, as being a parent requires you to monitor and teach your son. We sincerely hope that you never yourself insinuated that humans can fly.


                              Dear Lubes And Leaks,

                              I went to your station to have my oil changed because I'm new in town. The tech had the nerve to tell me that I needed to take better care of getting my oil changed, because the engine was smoking when I rolled the car in and the little oil that was in there was black and sticky.

                              They then proceeded to make me feel like an idiot by trying to recommend a transmission flush, because my fluid was darker than a super plus tampon on day 5 of my period. I told them I hadn't a clue that there was fluid for that, and how dare they try to upsell when all I want is an oil change!

                              Because I'm cheap and stubborn, all I wanted was the "Quick and Wet" package, where they just change your oil and check your fluids. I think they should top them off or flush them for free!

                              Now, a year later, my car doesn't run.

                              I demand a new car from Lubes and Leaks!

                              Ridin The Cotton Pony
                              You really need to see a neurologist. - Wagegoth

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Dear Ms Pony-

                                I'm sorry to hear of the bad experience you had with us. However upon an investigation of the incident you described, we've determined that the cause of the demise of your vehicle is not with any fault on the part of our employees and is, in fact, due to a PEBSAS error.

                                To be more precise, Problem Exists Between Steering wheel and Seat.

                                Might we suggest taking public transportation from now on, as we are at liberty to contact every automotive dealer within a 100 mile radius and have you placed on the "Do Not Sell To " list.

                                Regards-

                                G.E.T. Bent
                                VP - Lubes and Leaks Corporate Office

                                ------------------------------------------------------------------

                                Dear Garden of Eden Toys-

                                I was recently in your store in Doucheville on 12-24 and was not able to find the Strawberry Licorice flavored lube cream, nor was I able to find the matching body spray. Your salesperson was most unhelpful, simply shrugging her hairy shoulders and saying "Well, it's Christmas Eve and we've sold out."

                                Not acceptable. I wanted the Strawberry Licorice cream specifically 'cause it's the one flavor that doesn't leave an aftertaste and it's the only one my partner likes. So now my Christmas is ruined and I've had to go without any from my partner. Not even the John Holmes Footlong vibrating toy could get me out of my mood . . .

                                I demand as compensation a truckload of the strawberry licorice cream, a $1,000,000 gift card, a spot on the Board of Directors and also your retirment pension. And if I don't get what I want, I'll tell everybody on Facebook and MySpace not to shop at your stores.

                                Sincerely-
                                Miss B. N. Laid . . .
                                Human Resources - the adult version of "I'm telling Mom." - Agent Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo (NCIS)

                                Comment

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