A friend of mine on another forum posted this, and gave me permission to share it. I was laughing so hard I had tears. I'd have loved to be a fly on the wall when the recipient reads his reply!!!
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Alright, you guys don't know my friend Daisy. She's super cool and you should know her, but whatever. That's neither here nor there. She's looking for a job, and she put her resume on Craigslist. She keeps getting idiots emailing her THEIR resume, as if she is a company and wants to hire someone. People can't even read.
So I decided to have some fun with one of them. I made a new email account and went over this woman's resume and cover letter. I composed the email below and sent it to her in reply to her inquiry about a position with Daisy's lovely non-existent company.
Name has been changed to protect the identity.
Enjoy.
--------------------
Greetings, Judy.
I recently received your resume in response to our Craigslist ad. Please forgive my delay in responding, as we have received quite a few resumes for this position. It is my duty to go through each one thoroughly and choose the most worthy candidates for interview. I intend to leave no stones unturned.
When I made my way through my Inbox, your email shone out like a star on a dark night. Your subject, as I'm sure you recall, was simply "interested canitdate." Your casual use of all lowercase letters lets me know that you are a youthful applicant, and we very much enjoy youthful enthusiasm here. However, your misspelling of the word "candidate" in the subject line itself did not bode well. This job requires attention to detail. My heart sank as I noticed your typo, but I persevered on. We have all made our share of typos. Who am I to judge? I soldiered on and read your cover letter.
You opened coldly with "Dear Employer." Yes, a stark and minimalistic approach. Intriguing. Most "canitdates" would have taken care to put the prospective employer's actual name in the salutation. But not you, Ms. Mohr. You brazenly address your cover letter to "Employer." A harsh commentary on today's heartless employer/employee relationship, wasn't it? I didn't want you to think I didn't notice. You are an artist, pouring your heart into this cover letter. You start with facts only. No flummery. No balderdash. A pure acknowledgement of the power differential between us, should the relationship come to fruition. At this point I realize you are no ordinary canitdate. You have thrown down the gauntlet, dispensing of corporate niceties. We both know what we're playing at here.
Then, just when I think I have you sussed out, you throw in a generous line: "I am interested in your company because I have heard lots of great things about it." Indeed! Mere moments after breaking the fourth wall, you acquiesce to business customs after all. You offer our company a compliment. Or do you? Not so fast! I can almost sense the sarcasm coming through my monitor. You have heard great things about our company. Have you, Judy? Have you truly? Does our reputation precede us? Or is this another bitter salvo from your court? A subtle nod to parody the tendency of people to believe what they hear and not to judge for themselves? This cover letter has truly become a riddle for me to solve.
You describe your skills as "Tolerant and flexible to different situations." How coy we are, Ms. Mohr! The subtext on this one is as understated as a jackhammer through the cranium. One cannot take this line literally, for no employer would expect an employee to just encounter one situation every day. No, I get your meaning here. You are tolerant and you are flexible. I understand. A wink's as good as a nod to a blind man, eh? You're a feisty one. We could use someone like you.
Having momentarily set your cover letter to the side, I went on to peruse your resume. The top right-hand corner immediately caught my eye. Your email address, Judy. Oh, you clever dog. Your email ends with "@yahoo.co" Yes, I noticed the final "m" missing. I see you clearly. You say "This resume is incomplete! I cannot be judged as a whole person by some sheet of paper! You see some of me here, but not all of me. I am large, I contain volumes." Well-played.
What's this on the last line of your Skills? "Quick leaner and self starter." Quick leaner? Quick leaner, really, Ms. Mohr? Heavens. How quickly do you lean? At this point I cannot determine whether you are offering a hint about how you like to become part of a team and lean on your co-workers for support, or if you are describing some sort of scoliosis. Quite a puzzle box you are.
I have a chuckle to myself as I see "Great accuracy and attention to detail" in the Skills section. My, aren't we modest? Judy, you're a writer so cunning I could stick a tail on you and call you a weasel. Attention to detail my arse. Your words are laced with innuendo and despair, with a shy taunting and such a forlorn sense of obligation that I am nearly moved to tears.
I go on. Under your Education: "Bachelors or Science." Oh, how very right you are! Bachelors or Science. Bachelors or Science? What does it matter? Learning is learning, is it not? If one learns about bachelors, it is no less worthy a study than the study of Science. My heart beats faster as I wait to see what hidden gem comes next.
Work Experience: Lassus Brother's Oil. Oh ho ho, you almost got me there. You almost slipped that one past me. But then I saw it. That apostrophe. Oh, that apostrophe. So much meaning lies behind it. I Googled it just to be sure that my hunch was correct. Indeed - the name of the business is simply "Lassus Brothers Oil" with no apostrophe. Once again, you amaze me. You are trying to tell me that one Lassus Brother felt himself the sole proprietor, to the exclusion of his sibling(s). Social custom will not allow this disregard of a previous employer's reputation, but you found a sly way to express your disdain tactfully.
Well, I'm nearly sold on tossing the rest of the resumes in the Recycle Bin and just offering you a job. However, due diligence. Due diligence. It is an age of social media, as I'm sure you're aware. As part of the process, I must investigate your Facebook presence.
And there it is. Your profile picture. Four people at a bar. I wonder - which one is you? Are you the woman with the dog collar? The juicehead with the AC/DC t-shirt? I have decided I don't care. Whatever you look like, your mind is a fascinating and wonderous place and we cannot continue to operate without it.
I need to see no more. We are ready to move on this. Please get back to me with your salary requirements immediately.
Mark Greenway,
Human Resources
SC Inc.
---------------------------
Alright, you guys don't know my friend Daisy. She's super cool and you should know her, but whatever. That's neither here nor there. She's looking for a job, and she put her resume on Craigslist. She keeps getting idiots emailing her THEIR resume, as if she is a company and wants to hire someone. People can't even read.
So I decided to have some fun with one of them. I made a new email account and went over this woman's resume and cover letter. I composed the email below and sent it to her in reply to her inquiry about a position with Daisy's lovely non-existent company.
Name has been changed to protect the identity.
Enjoy.
--------------------
Greetings, Judy.
I recently received your resume in response to our Craigslist ad. Please forgive my delay in responding, as we have received quite a few resumes for this position. It is my duty to go through each one thoroughly and choose the most worthy candidates for interview. I intend to leave no stones unturned.
When I made my way through my Inbox, your email shone out like a star on a dark night. Your subject, as I'm sure you recall, was simply "interested canitdate." Your casual use of all lowercase letters lets me know that you are a youthful applicant, and we very much enjoy youthful enthusiasm here. However, your misspelling of the word "candidate" in the subject line itself did not bode well. This job requires attention to detail. My heart sank as I noticed your typo, but I persevered on. We have all made our share of typos. Who am I to judge? I soldiered on and read your cover letter.
You opened coldly with "Dear Employer." Yes, a stark and minimalistic approach. Intriguing. Most "canitdates" would have taken care to put the prospective employer's actual name in the salutation. But not you, Ms. Mohr. You brazenly address your cover letter to "Employer." A harsh commentary on today's heartless employer/employee relationship, wasn't it? I didn't want you to think I didn't notice. You are an artist, pouring your heart into this cover letter. You start with facts only. No flummery. No balderdash. A pure acknowledgement of the power differential between us, should the relationship come to fruition. At this point I realize you are no ordinary canitdate. You have thrown down the gauntlet, dispensing of corporate niceties. We both know what we're playing at here.
Then, just when I think I have you sussed out, you throw in a generous line: "I am interested in your company because I have heard lots of great things about it." Indeed! Mere moments after breaking the fourth wall, you acquiesce to business customs after all. You offer our company a compliment. Or do you? Not so fast! I can almost sense the sarcasm coming through my monitor. You have heard great things about our company. Have you, Judy? Have you truly? Does our reputation precede us? Or is this another bitter salvo from your court? A subtle nod to parody the tendency of people to believe what they hear and not to judge for themselves? This cover letter has truly become a riddle for me to solve.
You describe your skills as "Tolerant and flexible to different situations." How coy we are, Ms. Mohr! The subtext on this one is as understated as a jackhammer through the cranium. One cannot take this line literally, for no employer would expect an employee to just encounter one situation every day. No, I get your meaning here. You are tolerant and you are flexible. I understand. A wink's as good as a nod to a blind man, eh? You're a feisty one. We could use someone like you.
Having momentarily set your cover letter to the side, I went on to peruse your resume. The top right-hand corner immediately caught my eye. Your email address, Judy. Oh, you clever dog. Your email ends with "@yahoo.co" Yes, I noticed the final "m" missing. I see you clearly. You say "This resume is incomplete! I cannot be judged as a whole person by some sheet of paper! You see some of me here, but not all of me. I am large, I contain volumes." Well-played.
What's this on the last line of your Skills? "Quick leaner and self starter." Quick leaner? Quick leaner, really, Ms. Mohr? Heavens. How quickly do you lean? At this point I cannot determine whether you are offering a hint about how you like to become part of a team and lean on your co-workers for support, or if you are describing some sort of scoliosis. Quite a puzzle box you are.
I have a chuckle to myself as I see "Great accuracy and attention to detail" in the Skills section. My, aren't we modest? Judy, you're a writer so cunning I could stick a tail on you and call you a weasel. Attention to detail my arse. Your words are laced with innuendo and despair, with a shy taunting and such a forlorn sense of obligation that I am nearly moved to tears.
I go on. Under your Education: "Bachelors or Science." Oh, how very right you are! Bachelors or Science. Bachelors or Science? What does it matter? Learning is learning, is it not? If one learns about bachelors, it is no less worthy a study than the study of Science. My heart beats faster as I wait to see what hidden gem comes next.
Work Experience: Lassus Brother's Oil. Oh ho ho, you almost got me there. You almost slipped that one past me. But then I saw it. That apostrophe. Oh, that apostrophe. So much meaning lies behind it. I Googled it just to be sure that my hunch was correct. Indeed - the name of the business is simply "Lassus Brothers Oil" with no apostrophe. Once again, you amaze me. You are trying to tell me that one Lassus Brother felt himself the sole proprietor, to the exclusion of his sibling(s). Social custom will not allow this disregard of a previous employer's reputation, but you found a sly way to express your disdain tactfully.
Well, I'm nearly sold on tossing the rest of the resumes in the Recycle Bin and just offering you a job. However, due diligence. Due diligence. It is an age of social media, as I'm sure you're aware. As part of the process, I must investigate your Facebook presence.
And there it is. Your profile picture. Four people at a bar. I wonder - which one is you? Are you the woman with the dog collar? The juicehead with the AC/DC t-shirt? I have decided I don't care. Whatever you look like, your mind is a fascinating and wonderous place and we cannot continue to operate without it.
I need to see no more. We are ready to move on this. Please get back to me with your salary requirements immediately.
Mark Greenway,
Human Resources
SC Inc.
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