How to Grow a Spine? (aka personal growth and stuff)

[WishfulSpirit]

Hi everyone

So I no longer have a blog, or a journal (should start one of those again) so I'm posting this here (also because I could use advice). I'm running into an issue at work where my lack of a spine is causing problems. I'm conflict-adverse, mostly just due to my natural personality, some from never really having been taught how to handle it. Any disagreement or unhappiness in my guests and I feel like I'm about to be screamed at or knocked across the room, so I give in.

I placate guests more than I should. Like if they didn't book a balcony room and start whining because they didn't get one I'll give them cookies from our little shop just to keep them from getting mad. The AGM doesn't like that (he said it's not a huge deal but he is correct we shouldn't be losing money for something not our fault).

So, how do I grow a spine and say "no" when I need to? I know the only way to really get over a fear is to face it, so I think I just need to start actually saying no (in a work-appropriate, customer-focused way, adding what I *can* do), and let what happens happen. I have a boss who will back me, and cops not far away, but it's still scary.

Anybody have any other suggestions? I'd really like not to be such a jellyfish without losing my natural empathy and willingness to help.

[Kittish]

Really, it sounds like you're on the right track. At this point it's a matter of taking a deep breath and doing it. The first time will be just about the scariest thing ever. The second time is not quite as scary. And so on. But yea, that first step is a doozy.

[Seshat]

"Fake it till you make it" actually works in situations like this. The more times saying 'no' actually works, the more confident you become.

Another approach is to pause before responding to the customer, decide what the goal of your interaction is, and then think about strategies which will help you achieve that goal. This, however, requires some research and advance planning on your part, so it is a longer term project.

So.

Start by 'faking it till you make it' with understanding friends and work colleagues. Perhaps during a quiet moment, ask your boss to pretend to be a customer who wants a balcony room but didn't book it; and practice saying no. And ask your boss for feedback about how to say 'no' and make it look more firm.

One tip: imagine your shoulder blades support wings. Spread those wings. That action gives you 'authority shoulders'. Better than squaring the shoulders, which can be interpreted as aggressive.

If you're standing, put your hands flat on the bench, and lean just slightly forward. Another authority-stance.



Internal thinking technique:
Look at the people who are angry as if they're toddlers throwing a temper tantrum. Consider their tantrum techniques, critique them, determine how appropriate they are for a grown adult.
Look at people who are acting aggressively as if they're toddlers as well; but read a book like "The Gift of Fear" so you can detect the warning signs that signal that you need to call security. While they're not showing the warning signs, amuse yourself with how silly they look.



Negotiation:
Someone who comes along and is politely assertive is open to a negotiation. Know what you're permitted to give, and what your boss is permitted to give, and what is reasonable. Take some time to learn negotiation techniques, and try to come up with a win-win.
If a fair compromise would require something you need to call your boss for, you're justified to do that.


Preparation:
1. Make sure you know how to keep yourself safe if someone does get dangerously aggressive. This, alone, will help you handle people who get angry.

2. Come up with a number of situations you've experienced in the past; different types of people with different types of angry and different expectations. Come up with 'what I want to get out of this conversation' goals.
With the help of others, come up with strategies to achieve those goals.



Then ....

Practice. Practice on your customers. Practice on other employees. Practice on your boss. Practice on your friends. Practice in front of a mirror.
Run strategies and ideas past us (perhaps in this thread). Some of us will have ideas or improvements.

Consider how you dress and do your face and hair, as well. I look young for my age, so I have a makeup-technique and hairstyle that 'ages' me five years or so. Enough to give me a more authoritative look. (it's not a stage-makeup thing, just picking colours carefully.)
If you're female, look at makeup techniques from when you were 15. Using just one of those techniques will imply that you were young adult then. Don't push yourself to wear a type of makeup you don't normally wear, just find a flattering but 'dating' technique. Appearing to be older than you are can add authority.
(If you want to 'date' younger, use a technique that was in fashion when you were 25.)

[Catwoman2965]

My advice as well is the less said, the better. There's a phrase I've learned that works well. JADE - don't justify, argue, defend, or explain. If they whine about not getting a balcony room because they didn't book one, just say "I'm sorry there are none available" and stop talking. You don't need to tell them WHY or HOW or placate them wiht anything, esp if its through no fault of yours or the hotel.

I found, in retail, that simply saying "I'm sorry, but the return policy is 90 days, and this is past that, so I'm unable to take it back" and then not saying anything else works. I had CWs who would then go on to say "well, we can't sell it, its last saeaason, etc." totally unnecessary, and only serves to irk the customer more. '

short and sweet, and def practice. and once you do it a few times, its much easier.

[RealUnimportant]

No is a complete sentence, but if you're uncomfortable with it try experimenting with more complete answers: I'm afraid all the balcony rooms are already booked. Our policy was detailed in full on the website. I've explained your options, if you're unwilling to take one then there's nothing more I'm able to do for you. Short, to the point, not quite as blunt but open to little or no negotiation.

I hate confrontation, and always want to run & hide, but I've become adept at the faking it part. It really works™

[Kogarashi]

I've found that "I'm sorry but" and "I'm afraid that" are useful phrases. The sympathetic apology approach, basically. You want to sound sympathetic to their problem, but at the same time stand your ground about what your company will and will not allow you to do.

For instance, when I was a cashier at the Mart of Wal, I'd get the occasional customer who insisted a price was such-and-such on the shelf. Price-check would happen, showing the item was misplaced by another customer (it was the only one in the wrong spot), so I couldn't give a "sorry we put the products in the wrong place" discount. So I would continue to tell them, "I'm sorry, but I can't change the price. What the register says is correct."

Directing the customer to management is also good, for when they just won't listen to you. Management is given the leeway to make concessions to the customer anyway, while rank-and-file employees aren't so much. So if the customer would continue to throw a fit about the price, I would direct them either to the nearest CSM (if I could find one) or recommend they stop at Customer Service where management could be called in easier.

[MoonCat]

These are all good suggestions. Here's one that worked for me. I had to work with someone who had been rude and hostile toward me (for no reason that I could find). My customers are all on the phone, so a demanding CW was the problem for me.

I made up my mind that he wasn't going to intimidate me and I was going to stand up for myself. I knew I was in the right, was doing my job correctly, and he was no higher up the chain than I was. To get the right mindset, I made sure to wear "power colors" for the week I worked with him. Bright red and black, colors that show authority and strength. Sometimes that kind of thing helps to give you confidence, along with the excellent techniques described by others in this thread!

[Headset Hellion]

If your AGM is so upset about you giving away cookies to placate customers, then maybe you should direct any future complaints to him. He'll learn real quick that those $.50 cookies are worth their weight in gold when it comes to fending off complaints and bad surveys.

[Food Lady]

My advice as well is the less said, the better. There's a phrase I've learned that works well. JADE - don't justify, argue, defend, or explain. If they whine about not getting a balcony room because they didn't book one, just say "I'm sorry there are none available" and stop talking. You don't need to tell them WHY or HOW or placate them wiht anything, esp if its through no fault of yours or the hotel.

I found, in retail, that simply saying "I'm sorry, but the return policy is 90 days, and this is past that, so I'm unable to take it back" and then not saying anything else works. I had CWs who would then go on to say "well, we can't sell it, its last saeaason, etc." totally unnecessary, and only serves to irk the customer more. '

This is how I tend to operate, but not 100% of the time. I didn't know there was a name for it. I generally don't apologize for something that isn't my fault. Some of my bosses haven't liked that, but I've outlasted them.

[EricKei]

Agreed all around. I actually like the cookie thing -- Look at it this way: If their grievance is so petty/minor/insignificant that a couple of free cookies will fix the issue, guess what? YOU WIN. You know, without question, that they were just whining to be whiny, and more importantly -- that YOU did not do anything wrong. Let that give you the spark of confidence you need to say "No" to future invalid complaints that really do seem important.

In the meantime, ask your boss(es) for examples of how they have successfully handled this sort of thing in the past (not how they WOULD HAVE done so; how they HAVE), and ask if it's OK for you to handle things in those specific ways, if they'll back you up on them unconditionally, etc. If they don't wanna deal with complaints themselves, they need to provide you with the tools and the authority to do so yourself.

[Kristev]

You could always buy your own cookies and keep them there just for that reason. That way the hotel isn't losing any money.

There was actually an episode of an old show called "Hi, Honey, I'm Home," where Honey couldn't say no, even when she took a class to stop being a doormat. She had to sing it at first.

Now, the focus of the episode is that she learned who it really was that was taking advantage of her. But really, the point is that you can practice saying no. Sympathetic works, and having your manager 'train' you in standing up to people is also a good idea. He can't go after you if you do what he told you to do.

[bhskittykatt]

I would see if your manager would be willing to role-play through some scenarios to help you with your verbiage.

For the scenario you suggest, I would say, "I'm sorry, we are out of balcony rooms. Our balcony rooms are at a premium cost and have to be special-booked."

If they booked through a website or OrbiPricePedia, I would ask if they had their confirmation stating they had booked a balcony room. That's a good way to nip a lot of argument in the bud, because their print-out will show no balcony. Then you can say, "I'm sorry, but you booked our standard room, which is what I have you in now. I am unfortunately sold out of our balconies. I would upgrade you if I could but I have no balconies left tonight. Next time be sure to look for our balcony rooms when booking, or call us directly so we can make sure you get the room you desire next time."

If their print-out *does* show a balcony, or if they say, "I called and told the person I talked to I specifically wanted a balcony!", then you can start bringing in the cookies or whatever guest recovery stuff you need to, and then note in the reservation why you justified it.

[wolfie]

And if the mention of balcony room is in the notes (as in customer wrote "I need a balcony room") rather than in the room type field, they're SOL, since that's a free-form text field that isn't looked at by the reservation system.

[bhskittykatt]

And if the mention of balcony room is in the notes (as in customer wrote "I need a balcony room") rather than in the room type field, they're SOL, since that's a free-form text field that isn't looked at by the reservation system.

I can't tell you how many times I get a reservation come in like that. A lot of times it's a booking for a non-view room with a note like, "Please upgrade us to a waterview it's my birthday."

(1) We only look at those notes when we go through the next day's arrivals, so it's very likely we're sold-out of that room type by the time we actually read the note, and (2) Shell out the extra $50 for the waterview and we can talk. Otherwise you can wait until check-in and if, IF there is something left we can do a special-occasion upgrade. (and you must keep in mind that if it's a low occupancy night, then everyone else who booked a non-view room who checked in before you gets the spiel, "I do have some waterview rooms left that are normally an extra $50 a night, but I can do it for $25 tonight", because I get commission on upsells and I'm hungry, so even if you see waterviews available online before you leave, I've been working to fill them all before you arrive.)

If you want a guaranteed waterview, you need to book a waterview. If you want a specific room type, you have to actually book and pay for that room type. Otherwise you're taking your chances.

[WishfulSpirit]

I did it! I stood up to a customer, or rather dealt with him, and it was over why he had his car towed (no handicapped placard). I wasn't scared, I didn't run, though I was a bit nervous. I also got to hear some of Argabarga's favorite lines first-hand!