No, We Don't Sell That Here, Pervert!

[MadMike]

My wife used to work at a drug store ages ago. She got a lot of prank calls there, which we later found out were our one friend's idiot brother.

The one time, he called asking about condoms, in extra large sizes. He was asking for ones for "12 inches." One of her coworkers took the call, and acted completely nonchalant about the whole thing, even inviting him to the store so they could measure it for him.

Naturally, he never showed up.

[dalesys]

The one time, he called asking about condoms, in extra large sizes. He was asking for ones for "12 inches." One of her coworkers took the call, and acted completely nonchalant about the whole thing, even inviting him to the store so they could measure it for him.

Would that be in Testor scale, for his Revells?

[Shalom]

The one time, he called asking about condoms, in extra large sizes. He was asking for ones for "12 inches."

"Lemme find out for ya ... Hey John, we got any Mediums in stock?"

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I've seen commercials for these kinds of things, and they end up being called "personal" massagers

They're also called that in the Harriet Carter catalogs, too.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

For a Valentines Day promotion or something, we got in a KY Date Night displayer. The monthly sales plan called for the displayer to be hung on a rack at the back end of an aisle.

This week, an urgent memo came down from corporate telling the stores to check the placement of this displayer and make sure it was in health and beauty aids and not near the kiddie candy and valentines.

Which probably means that in at least one of our stores, some herp-a-derp put this thing by the Valentines Day stuff meant for children to pass around in school, and people complained about it.

What can I say, it's retail. No skills, experience or even common sense necessary.

[AmbrosiaWriter]

New Years Eve at the store we had a bunch of young hopefuls stopping by to grab condoms, there were three types.

Type A: *Strides right in, right to the condoms, snatches on, drops it on the counter and proceeds to stare at me as I ring it up.*
Response A: *Smile, make no reaction, ring it up as if it was a bottle of soda and not a pack of condoms.*
Reaction A: *Guy deflates, pays, and leaves.*

Type B: *Walks in, ambles around, tries to sneaky grab a box of condoms, grabs a bunch of other stuff to hide it in and doesn't look at me while its ringing up*
Response B: *Same as response A*
Reaction B: *Guy relaxes, pays, leaves.*

Type C (My favorite): *Guy walks in, grabs condoms, sees me at the counter, stops, puts it back and grabs the "Magnum" (supposedly for larger men) instead and drops it on the counter with a grin.*
Response C: *Grin, ring it up all while resisting the urge to say "I hope you don't fall out"*
Reaction C: *Also a deflation, and also the realization that he'll probably have to go and buy more condoms as he can't properly fill out the Magnum size.*

It was an awesome day.

[EvilEmpryss]

Daughter and I went to a local Goodwill the other day. She picks up a "personal massager" that had somehow managed to get through the processing room without getting thrown away.

Her: Mom, what is this?
Me *grinning*: It's a massager, honey.
Her: But why's it shaped so funny? It's got a bend in the middle.
Me *doing my best not to laugh*: Well, you could use it to massage your shoulders.
Her *realizing something is up, stares at me for a moment before realization dawns and she quickly drops it back on the shelf*: Eewwww!!! Who would donate something like that?!?!

I couldn't say for certain what it had been used for in the past, because it was one of those models that could have been a legitimate muscle massager, but could have been used for so much more.

[AmbrosiaWriter]

Her *realizing something is up, stares at me for a moment before realization dawns and she quickly drops it back on the shelf*: Eewwww!!! Who would donate something like that?!?!

The person who knows that everyone deserves a little pleasure in their lives but can't always afford it new.

[EvilEmpryss]

Yes, but how does one sanitize it?

No, no, never mind. I don't want to know!

[AmbrosiaWriter]

That's the easy part! The same way you'd sanitize a toothbrush!!

[RayvenQ]

Yes, but how does one sanitize it?

No, no, never mind. I don't want to know!

Fire, lots and lots of fire, with a side of thermite.

[Jay 2K Winger]

Fire, lots and lots of fire, with a side of thermite.

Nuke it from orbit.



It's the only way to be sure!

[Miss Maple Leaf]

When I worked at the drugstore I would sometimes get prank calls from teenage boys asking about condoms. I used to delight in telling them that we don't carry any in extra-extra small and then hanging up on them.

Funny, after a while the calls stopped coming.

[Jester]

I think I flustered them more by being able to keep a professional manner to my voice as if this was an every day occurrence.

I've been known to be able to keep a straight face, sometimes to my detriment, as sometimes my humor flies way under the radar.

At the one phone job I ever had ("Thank you for calling 1-800-DAYS INN, this is Jester speaking, how may I help you?"), I actually used my deadpan delivery to great advantage, most notably this one time....

JESTER: "...and that includes a complimentary continental breakfast."
CALLER: "Holy shit!"
JESTER: "No, ma'am. A complimentary continental breakfast."
CALLER: "..."
CALLER:

Needless to say, whenever anyone asks me a "can you" question, such as "Can you tell me where the bathroom is," or "Can you tell me how to get to Argabarga's Roadside Tavern?" or "Can we order some food?" the response is always a simple "Yes."

Another standard line of mine....
CUSTOMER: "Can we eat at the bar?"
JESTER: "Only if you order food."

[MoonCat]

Yes, but how does one sanitize it?

No, no, never mind. I don't want to know!

Well, according to the ads in the Doctor Leonard's Catalog....they are "dishwasher safe." Now there's a heck of an image for ya...