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For #1 it helps to know that I am actually male:
The first one comes from when I was a cashier a few days ago! Got a good chuckle out of the 3 guests in my line!
I was checking out the guest, scanning items, making small talk, and the guest notices my nametag.
"Hey, you're not chelsea! What did you do to chelsea?"
(my actual nametag got fubar'd in the wash and I've been too lazy to ask HR for another one, plus I can joke and tell my coworkers and guests that the witness protection program changes my name so much yet doesn't change where I work
So I look the guest in the eye, and say in a semi sad/serious/joking tone, "Sir, I just got out of prison for that...."
Queue immature laughs from the guest, myself, and my coworker 2 registers down from mine.
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This next one comes from a closing cart attendant shift I had a few weeks ago. The closing LOD was the ETL-GE, a pretty fun person who has since transferred to another store. I miss her. AAAAAnyway...
I brought the trash and defectives to the back, meanwhile the LOD was throwing crap into the compactor, and asks for my help in lifting an ungodly heavy bag from produce into the compactor with this line:
"Hey Jeff, can you come here for a second and lift this bag in here? I think there's a body in it"
I let out a nice chuckle, walk over to said cart...
"(LOD name) you cannot be serious..."
I try and pick up the bag and in God's great name it's the heaviest damned thing I have ever had to lift...
(And I'm a pretty big dude, even I had a hard time lifting it...)
I mouth the words "Mother!@#$er this is heavy" without letting a sound escape my lips...
I look at her and says "This feels like the body of one of my ex girlfriends. Please for the love of all that is holy do not report this? I've been looking for a place to hide the body for months..."
I kid you not she turns red in the face and laughs her ass off right then and there.
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I was buggering off a week ago during my lunch, put it on my head and tie the feet around my neck..
I run up behind the AP person at my store, and go "GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE!" repeatedly, she turns looks at me and gives me the most horrid look ever...
Then she says "That looks like a penis on your head..."
I laugh hysterically and take it off my head, then AP lady starts walking away and I jokingly place it on her head, saying "Now the penis is on your head (NAME)!"
The other coworker in the break room at that moment bursts out laughing and says "(name) probably would not mind that one.."
I look at other coworker in the eye mortified that she would even say that, and then I burst out laughing so hard my sides and stomach end up hurting.
The first one comes from when I was a cashier a few days ago! Got a good chuckle out of the 3 guests in my line!
I was checking out the guest, scanning items, making small talk, and the guest notices my nametag.
"Hey, you're not chelsea! What did you do to chelsea?"
(my actual nametag got fubar'd in the wash and I've been too lazy to ask HR for another one, plus I can joke and tell my coworkers and guests that the witness protection program changes my name so much yet doesn't change where I work
So I look the guest in the eye, and say in a semi sad/serious/joking tone, "Sir, I just got out of prison for that...."
Queue immature laughs from the guest, myself, and my coworker 2 registers down from mine.
-----
This next one comes from a closing cart attendant shift I had a few weeks ago. The closing LOD was the ETL-GE, a pretty fun person who has since transferred to another store. I miss her. AAAAAnyway...
I brought the trash and defectives to the back, meanwhile the LOD was throwing crap into the compactor, and asks for my help in lifting an ungodly heavy bag from produce into the compactor with this line:
"Hey Jeff, can you come here for a second and lift this bag in here? I think there's a body in it"
I let out a nice chuckle, walk over to said cart...
"(LOD name) you cannot be serious..."
I try and pick up the bag and in God's great name it's the heaviest damned thing I have ever had to lift...
(And I'm a pretty big dude, even I had a hard time lifting it...)
I mouth the words "Mother!@#$er this is heavy" without letting a sound escape my lips...
I look at her and says "This feels like the body of one of my ex girlfriends. Please for the love of all that is holy do not report this? I've been looking for a place to hide the body for months..."
I kid you not she turns red in the face and laughs her ass off right then and there.
-----
I was buggering off a week ago during my lunch, put it on my head and tie the feet around my neck..
I run up behind the AP person at my store, and go "GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE!" repeatedly, she turns looks at me and gives me the most horrid look ever...
Then she says "That looks like a penis on your head..."
I laugh hysterically and take it off my head, then AP lady starts walking away and I jokingly place it on her head, saying "Now the penis is on your head (NAME)!"
The other coworker in the break room at that moment bursts out laughing and says "(name) probably would not mind that one.."
I look at other coworker in the eye mortified that she would even say that, and then I burst out laughing so hard my sides and stomach end up hurting.
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