Prayers/Good wishes/Advice/Booze welcomed

[Kanalah]

Okay so Gma has Alzheimer's. She fell and fractured her hip on January 28th. After a week in the hospital, she was sent to a rehab facility (nursing home).

The entire time Gma was in the hospital/rehab my mom refused to leave her side. I don't know if it's because she thought Gma couldn't be alone (the rehab facility specializes in Alzheimer's care) or she wanted an excuse to not do anything, or what. (Looks I can't clean my house or get anything done because I have to live in a rehab facility with my mom.) She was always complaining that no one would "come up and sit with Gma" so she could get a chance to run errands. I went up there many times to "babysit".

Gma finally came home on Tuesday. She doesn't recognize the cottage she's lived in with mom for the past 5 years. She keeps insisting on wanting to go home, but when mom asks her where "home" is, Gma gets angry and curses at her. Gma insists that mom focus 100% of her attention on Gma's nonsensical ramblings. Gma is also "praying" for mom constantly because she thinks mom is evil/the devil for keeping her away from her home/paying her bills without asking/taking care of her.

Here's the problem. I want to help my mom out, but I am working extra hours this week and the next. I know that any help I do give her won't really be appreciated. - example: If I come up and just "hang out" for a while then I get to hear Gma's nonsensical ramblings and mom bitching about Gma/everything. If I go and "hang out" while mom goes to run errands, then mom will stay out for hours and I will be neglecting my own family at home.

So basically whether I help or not I will get yelled at and accused of not helping my family. I'm very heartsick over this, understandably. Hubs says that maybe it is time to put Gma in a Alzheimer's care facility, however if that happens, it will open another can of worms that mom doesn't want to deal with.

So any prayers/ well wishes/ good thoughts/ advice/ alcohol/ chocolate/ fabric welcome.

[Ellain]

Alzheimer's is rough. We had to move Grandpa into a home about 6 months back. *hugs*

[MoonCat]

As hard as it will be, I absolutely agree it's time for grandma to move into a facility for dementia patients. Both you and your mom will soon be pulling your hair out over the stress. What if Gma gets up in the middle of the night and goes looking for "her real home"? Caring for someone with dementia is a 24 hour job. It will make your mom ill, too. I have seen it happen.

You may want to start researching what's available. Check with the hospital's social worker and see if they can offer advice. Your city may also have a senior affairs office with people who can help.

Dementia does not go away (provided it's not being caused by medication for something else). It will advance and Gma will need someone with medical training to be there 24/7.

Sympathy and cookies to you all!

[Sapphire Silk]

Brother and I put Mom in assisted living (Alzheimer's Unit) almost four years ago. It was the best thing we could do for her. Brother has three kids and couldn't take care of Mom. I lived 300 miles away, and Brother didn't want her that far away from her grand kids (not that they ever go visit her).

Fortunately, Mom can afford it. The cost eats up her pension every month, plus a little bit more, but unless she really gets physically sick, we can afford it.

So that's the real question for Kanalah: can Gma afford the rehab long term? Medicare only pays for 21 days, then it's private pay. Medicaid only pays if Gma is destitute. If Gma owns the cottage and Mom just lives there, it will have to be sold for Gma to get Medicaid to pay for LTC facilities.

Here's why I say this. Caring for someone with dementia is draining work. It will not get easier. It will get harder. Gma is really better off in a facility if she can afford it, especially while she gets rehab. You guys need to be able to rest and live a normal life, especially if the long term plan is eventually for her to come home.

If Kanalah enables Mom by allowing herself to be drafted into being the primary care giver, things will not get better and Mom will not have to face the reality that she can't handle this kind of care.

[Kanalah]

I don't think gma/mom can afford to put gma in a specialized care facility.

Mom has been gma's full time caregiver for the past 5 years. Uncle is refusing to man up and do anything to help take care of gma - other then mooching. (this is the same uncle who sweet talked gma out of her house and nearly all of her money.) Uncle is the kind of guy to let gma wander into traffic so he can get his inheritance that much faster.

Mom is unemployed and if gma goes into a special care facility, mom will be essentially homeless. Mom does own and pay the mortgage on a 4 bed house about 2 miles south of me. Sis lives in this house rent free. I highly doubt mom will have the balls to tell sis that it's her house and she's moving back in.

Mom has asked me if she can move in. We don't have the extra room for her, plus mom is a hoarder and I won't let her do that if she lives with us. Mom also has a huge martyr complex.

Right now it's just a huge clusterfuck.

[morgana]

I can't think of a damn thing, Kanalah; I'm sorry. Just, don't let mom move in; You don't need the hassle. If Mom can't stand up to Sis . . .

I've got a candle lit that some sort of solution will present itself.

Another reason to be grateful that my family are not as dysfunctional as so many I hear about; when we had to put my mom in the home, everything went so smoothly . . .

[Aragarthiel]

The only thing I can think of is that your mom can try to contact your local Department for Aging/whatever it's called and force your uncle to help pay for grandma's assisted living. Other than that, my best idea is to just cut everyone off for a while. I know it sounds harsh, but this is a toxic situation for you and you don't need the stress, especially if there's nothing you can do. Let the situation sort itself out while you go on with your life, then check back in in a few years. If you don't answer the door, or your phone, or your emails, everyone will get that you're not willing to enable their problems that they could take care of themselves. Grandma is really the only one who doesn't need to be cut off, but in the state she's in, I don't think she'd care if you did or didn't.

[Kanalah]

Uncle's not working. He's on welfare, while living rent free in Gma's house and collecting rent payments from renting out his other house(s).

Gma doesn't really remember me or know who I am.

With hub's problems at work (forced overtime w/o pay, promising to pay a bonus and then "forgetting" to send the check) it's highly likely we'll be moving out of state in the next year.

I always wanted to become a shut-in.

[wolfie]

Uncle's not working. He's on welfare, while living rent free in Gma's house and collecting rent payments from renting out his other house(s).

WTF? He's got significant assets and an income, but he's still getting welfare? Does the welfare office know about the house(s) he's renting out?

[Kanalah]

From what I know, he is claiming the 1/2 duplex and tiny house he owns. He is renting out both of those. The house he is currently living in is in Gma's name. She is paying the property taxes on it. He is also renting out the mother-in-law suite in Gma's house. The man has no shame.

Honestly, this wouldn't be so godawful to deal with if the adults in my family would freaking act like adults. But no. *I'm* the weirdo because I handle my own business.

[MoonCat]

Ugh, I think I agree with Aragarthiel. You can't fix everybody's problems. That said, if you can't keep from worrying about Gma then my suggestion would be for every family member that you can scrape together to have a sit-down with sister and tell her that the free ride is over, the family's starting the process to get Gma into a facility, and that means that mom is moving into her own house whether sis likes it or not. Her name is on the deed, it's her property, she has rights. The important thing is to present a united front to sis. If that's not possible, then yeah - back away.

[Sapphire Silk]

I have a different take on this than Moon Cat and Argathiel.

Mom is on her own. She's an adult. If she can't grow a pair and get her daughter out of her own house, that's her problem. Kanalah should not under any circumstances let Mom move in with her.

My recommendation is to talk to Legal Aid for some low cost legal help and petition the Court to appoint a Guardian for Gma, and handle her finances, and get her into a care facility. The Guardian can sell Gma's home and use that money and any other money Gma has to pay for her care until the money runs out, then Gma's care can be paid for by Medicaid.

Uncle will probably want to fight this, but he'll have to hire a lawyer and a judge will not look with sympathy on his living in Gma's house rent free while renting out TWO places and living on welfare. So he'll lose.

Once Kanalah petition's the Court, the Court should appoint another lawyer to represent Gma's interests (Kanalah is asking Legal Aid to represent Kanalah's petition, not Gma, because you never go into court without a lawyer if you can help it). That lawyer will want to talk to Gma alone; if Uncle tries to interfere, the court will not look favorably on that so let him hang himself if he's that dumb.

What Kanalah should tell the judge is, "I'm the grand daughter, not the daughter. Gma's children are not stepping up to take care of her, and they really aren't able to. I'm not able to (IIRC Kanalah has health issues of her own), so I'm asking the Court to appoint a responsible person to look out for Gma's interests financially because no one in the family can do it or is willing to do it."

The state will protect Gma from Uncle from then on out (hopefully).

Uncle and Mom are on their own for their housing situations. Seriously, Kanalah, throw them under the bus. Uncle deserves it, and Mom will never learn how to take care of herself if the family refuses to make her.

[MoonCat]

Thank you, SapphireSilk. I didn't even remember about legal guardians. Sounds like an excellent idea.

[Kanalah]

Thanks guys, you've given me a lot to think about.

[RootedPhoenix]

*squishy-hugs Kanalah*

I have no advice, but Sapphire Silk's sounds like the best place to start.