Go Back   Customers Suck! > Community > Jokes

Closed Thread
Thread Tools Display Modes

40 Chuck Norris facts
Old 06-25-2007, 11:20 PM
DigitalEngine's Avatar
DigitalEngine DigitalEngine is offline
Stellar Skylines
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In your head
Posts: 28
Default 40 Chuck Norris facts

Well, someone's bound to post them sooner or later, so here goes:

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
23. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
24. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
25. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a beverage. We know this drink as Red Bull.
26. How many CHUCK NORRIS’S does it take to screw in a light bulb?
WHAT!? CHUCK NORRIS doesn’t need light. Light needs CHUCK NORRIS.
27. CHUCK NORRIS died 10 years ago, but Death is too afraid to tell that CHUCK NORRIS
28. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
29. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
30. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
31. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
32. Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
33. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
34. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
35. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
36. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
37. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
38. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
39. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
40. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
-It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
-I see the strongest and smartest men who have ever lived. And these men are pumping gas and waiting tables.-Fight Club

Old 06-27-2007, 12:07 AM
Greenday's Avatar
Greenday Greenday is offline
Professional Slacker
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 553

I love the one where he ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

My senior year of high school, for Battle of the Classes, we were the Walker Texas Rangers. All spirit week, before the Battle of the Classes, we printed out tons of Chuck Norris facts and posted them all over the school.

Chuck Norris went to a Burger King, and he got a Big Mac.
"I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone, that someone is probably the last person you should ask." - House

Old 06-28-2007, 12:43 PM
protege's Avatar
protege protege is offline
Super Moderator
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 6,138

There are several copies of that list floating around the office. My favorite is "Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris"
Aerodynamics are for people who can't build engines. --Enzo Ferrari

Old 06-28-2007, 08:48 PM
tacohuman tacohuman is offline
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 45

a friend and i came up with a whole bunch of these at work one day to pass the time. my personal favorite of that day was 'chuck norris performed his own caeserian section by roundhouse kicking his way free of his mother's womb.
My Space

Old 07-01-2007, 03:44 PM
Gawdzillers's Avatar
Gawdzillers Gawdzillers is offline
widdly scuds?
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 801

Chuck Norris does not have a house. He has a throne in a flying volcano.
"We were put on this Earth to fart around, and don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise." -Kurt Vonnegut

Old 07-03-2007, 02:27 PM
KMMCurly's Avatar
KMMCurly KMMCurly is offline
Till Monkey
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Posts: 167

Chuck Norris doesn't need pickup lines. He simply says 'Now.'
"Honestly officer, he asked for a shot and I gave him one. Why do you need the handcuffs?" - MannersMakethMan

Old 07-03-2007, 06:56 PM
Aldous's Avatar
Aldous Aldous is offline
Keeper of The Great Old Ones
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Anywhere the Wind Blows
Posts: 278

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his mother.
It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
~~~H.L. Mencken

Old 07-13-2007, 05:55 AM
Ex_W-M Ex_W-M is offline
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 4

When Chuck Norris picks up the phone and says "Now", it is not the time for you to speak, it is the time for you to run.

Old 07-13-2007, 03:01 PM
Becks's Avatar
Becks Becks is offline
Member of the T Plush fan club
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: adding to the male harem
Posts: 9,798

There's a whole website of these. I try to leave one a week as a comment on a friend's MySpace page.
Unseen but seeing
oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
3rd shift needs love, too
RIP, mo bhrionglóid

Old 07-19-2007, 03:58 AM
derangedperson's Avatar
derangedperson derangedperson is offline
Front End Supervisor
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 186

Chuck Norris' birthday isn't on March 10th--March 10th is on Chuck Norris' birthday.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris made his first kill when he was five seconds old. NOBODY slaps Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the sun--an ice age followed.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

If Chuck Norris is late, time had better slow the fuck down.
The New Orleans Saints are your 2009 NFL champions.

Believe dat.
Closed Thread

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 10:37 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.