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40 Chuck Norris facts
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Old 06-26-2007, 12:20 AM
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Default 40 Chuck Norris facts

Well, someone's bound to post them sooner or later, so here goes:


1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
23. Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
24. There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
25. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a beverage. We know this drink as Red Bull.
26. How many CHUCK NORRIS’S does it take to screw in a light bulb?
WHAT!? CHUCK NORRIS doesn’t need light. Light needs CHUCK NORRIS.
27. CHUCK NORRIS died 10 years ago, but Death is too afraid to tell that CHUCK NORRIS
28. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
29. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
30. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
31. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
32. Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
33. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
34. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
35. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
36. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
37. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
38. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
39. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
40. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
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  #2  
Old 06-27-2007, 01:07 AM
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I love the one where he ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

My senior year of high school, for Battle of the Classes, we were the Walker Texas Rangers. All spirit week, before the Battle of the Classes, we printed out tons of Chuck Norris facts and posted them all over the school.

Chuck Norris went to a Burger King, and he got a Big Mac.
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Old 06-28-2007, 01:43 PM
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There are several copies of that list floating around the office. My favorite is "Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris"
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Old 06-28-2007, 09:48 PM
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a friend and i came up with a whole bunch of these at work one day to pass the time. my personal favorite of that day was 'chuck norris performed his own caeserian section by roundhouse kicking his way free of his mother's womb.
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Old 07-01-2007, 04:44 PM
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Chuck Norris does not have a house. He has a throne in a flying volcano.
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Old 07-03-2007, 03:27 PM
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Chuck Norris doesn't need pickup lines. He simply says 'Now.'
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Old 07-03-2007, 07:56 PM
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Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his mother.
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Old 07-13-2007, 06:55 AM
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When Chuck Norris picks up the phone and says "Now", it is not the time for you to speak, it is the time for you to run.

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Old 07-13-2007, 04:01 PM
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There's a whole website of these. I try to leave one a week as a comment on a friend's MySpace page.
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Old 07-19-2007, 04:58 AM
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Chuck Norris' birthday isn't on March 10th--March 10th is on Chuck Norris' birthday.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris made his first kill when he was five seconds old. NOBODY slaps Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the sun--an ice age followed.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

If Chuck Norris is late, time had better slow the fuck down.
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