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The Customer Complaint Letter Game

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  • #61
    dear ms Coupon,

    TERRIBLY sorry to hear that you will be leaving us. Hope you find joy in your new supermarket. I hear they opened one on the corner of Bull and Crap.

    Management.

    Dear BIG blue store,

    I AM UTTERLY OUTRAGED!!!!!!1111!! FOR MONTHS I HAVE BEEN SPENDING LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN YOUR STORE AND USING YOUR REWARDS CARD SO THAT I MAY EARN REBATE CHECKS! AFTER A FEW MONTHS OF NEVER GETTING ANYTHING BACK i CALLED AND WAS TOLD THAT BECAUSE I NEVER GAVE THEM AN EMAIL ADDRESS I FOREFEITED MY POINTS! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! I DEMAND A $10,000 GIFT CARD AND ALL MY POINT REFUNDED!!

    CAPTN LOCKE!

    (sadly this is fairly close to what happened to me but I talked calmly and got a much better deal.)
    It is by snark alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of the coffee bean that thoughts acquire 'tude, the lips acquire mouthiness, the glares become a warning.

    Comment


    • #62
      Dear Mrs. Coupon;

      You actually have never made a purchase in our store. You keep coming in with year old coupons, and then leaving when they get rejected. You've sent us this letter 64 times. So I will say again;

      We can not miss your business if you never buy anything. As you have not spent a single red cent in our store, I don't think your not coming back will a problem for us.

      Though I get the sinking feeling I'll be hearing from you soon.

      Good-bye (for now);
      Grocery Town Management
      ----------------------------------------------------
      Dear Mr. Manager Man;
      My daddy says I can't have a Suzy Peealot doll because your store is full of poopyheads who make the prices too high. Daddy has told me all about how evil store type people are. He's told me you never let him use his coopons. It's very hard for him to make them. You won't stay open in the middle of the night so Daddy and Mommy can buy things. ANd many other bad stupid head things.

      Daddy told me I should write you a letter about how bad you mean people are. So I did. I want a FREE Suzy Peealot doll, and for you to do what my Daddy says. he's VERY important.

      Hugs and Kisses;
      Miss Rebeka Entitlementhoorson
      Age 4
      Hinakiba777- Student of Divinity-Always trying to get laid.

      Annoying student=I pay tuition here so I pay your salary!
      Desk Worker=I pay tuition here, too. So I guess I pay myself.

      Comment


      • #63
        Dear Rebeka,

        Please tell your daddy to grow a set, fight his own battles and stop teaching his child to be an entitlement whore.

        Very sincerely,
        Dee L. Withit, Store Manager

        = = = = =

        STORE,

        U SUK! GIMME MUNNY! NOW!!!!111!!!!111!!!

        SINSEERLEEY,
        CAP ZLOCK
        I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
        My LiveJournal
        A page we can all agree with!

        Comment


        • #64
          Dear Mr. CAPZLOCK;

          I'm afraid we were unable to mail your later as you didn't put an address on it. Could you tell us what store you wanted that sent to?

          Your Postal Service

          -----------------------------------
          Dear Mr. Roberts;

          Recently your 12 year old daughter came to babysit my 8 year old daughter. I paid her very well, more then a girl that age should be earning. Yesterday I fired her because she wasn't brushing my daughter's hair for her. This is totally unacceptable.

          When i said fire, I meant come work for me for free, not to just stop coming around. I demand you send your daughter back here to watch my little angel. And she should Pay me for the honor of carrying for my beautiful child. 200 dollars a day should be enough.

          Sincerely;
          Anita Slave


          (Sadly, something like this happened when I first started babysitting, I worked for a few days and then I got fired because I wasn't brushing the girl's hair. She was 8, with no developmental issues. It was WEIRD.)
          Hinakiba777- Student of Divinity-Always trying to get laid.

          Annoying student=I pay tuition here so I pay your salary!
          Desk Worker=I pay tuition here, too. So I guess I pay myself.

          Comment


          • #65
            ~envelope has been returned to house with address crossed out as undeliverable.~

            Dear BIG blue store,

            I AM UTTERLY OUTRAGED!!!!!!1111!! FOR MONTHS I HAVE BEEN SPENDING LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN YOUR STORE AND USING YOUR REWARDS CARD SO THAT I MAY EARN REBATE CHECKS! AFTER A FEW MONTHS OF NEVER GETTING ANYTHING BACK i CALLED AND WAS TOLD THAT BECAUSE I NEVER GAVE THEM AN EMAIL ADDRESS I FOREFEITED MY POINTS! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! I DEMAND A $10,000 GIFT CARD AND ALL MY POINT REFUNDED!!

            CAPTN LOCKE!

            (sadly this is fairly close to what happened to me but I talked calmly and got a much better deal.)
            It is by snark alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of the coffee bean that thoughts acquire 'tude, the lips acquire mouthiness, the glares become a warning.

            Comment


            • #66
              Dear Mrs. Slave,

              My daughter doesn't babysit for free so she won't be babysitting your daughter again. Also, your daughter is old enough to learn to brush her own hair.

              Sincerely,

              Mr. Roberts


              Dear Mr. Locke,

              We have enclosed a form and envelope. Please fill out the necessary information and send it back in the envelope so we can refund your points.

              I'm afraid we can't give you a $10,000 gift card. However, we will send you a $100 gift card once we get the form from you.

              Sincerely,

              Big Blue Store Manager


              Dear Grocery Store Manager,

              I came into your store first thing in the morning and there were other customers shopping in the store. I can't shop while other customers are in the store because they might laugh at my purchases which is why I come to shop as soon as the store opens. Next time I come in, I want your employees to tell the other customers to leave the store and stay out until I finish my shopping. If I find another customer in the store again when I'm shopping, I will never come into your store again and do all my shopping online.

              Sincerely,

              Ineed Myspace
              Last edited by purplecat41877; 03-13-2010, 10:14 AM.
              My Fanfic Page
              My Fiction Page
              My Social Group
              My Pet Social Group
              My You Tube Channel

              Comment


              • #67
                Dear Ms. MySpace,

                I looked up your purchase history in our computer, and I -



                Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it today.
                Store Manager

                --------

                Dear Store,

                I was shopping today and everything went perfectly. An employee helped me find what I needed, the cashier was quick and accurate, and the bagger helped load my items in the car. I have nothing to complain about.

                I live for complaining, please teach your employees to be a little more difficult, as it is the only thing that makes my life worth living. How can I demand unreasonable compensation when no one does anything wrong?

                Thank you for your consideration,
                A. Customer
                I don't go in for ancient wisdom
                I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
                It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

                Comment


                • #68
                  Dear Customer:

                  You want an employee of the company to be difficult? Okay, here goes:

                  F--- you, you f------ f--- f--- f--- b---- f---- scrawny a-- s--- head. F--- you!

                  There you go. Of course, I will not be compensating you for doing what you told me to do anyway.

                  ================================================== ================

                  Dear Crap Mart:

                  How dare you kick me out of your store when I wasn't doing anything wrong!

                  All I was doing was following little boys around the store with my hand inside my pants waistband. There's nothing wrong with that! Nor is there anything wrong with talking to those little boys and asking them what kind of toys they like! Boys like toys!

                  I am a good customer! I would take my business elsewhere, but every other store in town has banned me for following the little boys around. That's not fair! How do those other stores know I'm not their dad?

                  Patrick O. File
                  Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                  "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    Dear Mr. File,

                    We're sorry you feel you've been treated unfairly. If you'll give us your address, we'll send along a nice person in a blue uniform and badge to give you precisely what you deserve.

                    Sincerely,
                    Hans Offthekids, Manager

                    *****

                    Dear Store Manager,

                    I bought some beautiful fish for my aquarum during that very hot week last summer. But I had a lot of errands to run, and I left them in the car all weekend. When I went back to the car to get them, they were all floating around.

                    I can't believe you'd sell me such sickly fish! I demand a full refund, new fish that won't die if I leave them in a car parked in the sun for a weekend and a public apology for your weak merchandise.

                    Your customer,
                    Mr Bernie Hotcarr
                    I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
                    My LiveJournal
                    A page we can all agree with!

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      Dear Mr. Hotcarr,

                      Please remember that fish are living breathing things, just like humans. Humans will die if left in a suffocated area for a whole weekend. Therefore you will not e getting your fish.

                      Thank you,

                      Ms. Spinelady, Store Manager.


                      Dear Store Manager,

                      Your company sells stupid products! The mints are so minty, the freezer area is cold and the employees keep molesting the fruits and vegetables! I want my fruits and vegetables non-molested, the freezer area to a temperature that I can stick my hands in without freezing them off and for the mints area to not smell like mint! Is that so hard.

                      Sincerely,
                      Miss Diff. E. Cult.
                      The best professors are mad scientists! -Zoom

                      Now queen of USSR-Land...

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        Ms. Cult,

                        Yes your request is too difficult!

                        If the freezer was any colder, all the food would melt or go bad.
                        If the mints were less minty, we would get complaints about them not being minty enough.
                        And If our employees didn't handle our produce, then we wouldn't be able to transport it, or check to see if it has gone bad.

                        I'm pretty sure that no one wants melted, bland tasking, rotten products.

                        Please find some place else to complain;
                        Ihaffa Backbone

                        --------------------------------------------------------
                        Dear Night Pleasures;

                        Recently I purchased a very lovely adult toy from you. It is amazing. I have absolutely no issues with it. Sadly, my current boyfriend could not keep up with my new accessory so I denied him relations until he improved. He then dumped me.

                        I do not want any monetary Recompensation for this tragic event. I just believe you should send the cute black haired boy with the tongue stud who works your cash to fill my bed until I can find a way to win my boyfriend back. I don't think that is so unreasonable. You are an Adult Toy Store after all, and I want to play with that boy.

                        I'll be waiting;
                        Imma Nympho
                        Hinakiba777- Student of Divinity-Always trying to get laid.

                        Annoying student=I pay tuition here so I pay your salary!
                        Desk Worker=I pay tuition here, too. So I guess I pay myself.

                        Comment


                        • #72
                          this game is getting better by the minute!!!
                          The best professors are mad scientists! -Zoom

                          Now queen of USSR-Land...

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            Quoth fireheart17 View Post
                            this game is getting better by the minute!!!
                            For sufficiently (UN) even values of "better"!
                            I am not an a**hole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate a**holes!
                            Procrastination: Forward planning to insure there is something to do tomorrow.
                            Derails threads faster than a pocket nuke.

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              Dear Nympho,

                              I'm afraid that Josh is unavailable to play with you, as he is quite happy with his new boyfriend. Funny, said boyfriend said he couldn't keep up with his demanding nymphomaniac harpy girlfriend. Life is weird, huh?

                              Sincerely,
                              Connie Lingus, Manager, Night Pleasures Emporium

                              *****

                              Deer Manujur,

                              Mah son bott some malt vinugur from youse and drunk it all. He then pyooked all over teh howse. Why din you tell him not 2 drink it? Why you sell it 2 him in teh furst plase? I want lotsa munny, a millin dollurs 4 comp kommp because yoo hurt mah boy!

                              Sinseerlee,

                              Vinnie Garboy
                              Last edited by XCashier; 02-02-2010, 05:01 AM.
                              I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
                              My LiveJournal
                              A page we can all agree with!

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                ROFL! I had completely forgotten about the "Vinegar Boy" Saga. I can't think of an awesome letter to make in response. XD

                                Comment

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