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  • "Britain is Repossessing the U.S."

    My mom forwarded this to me.

    One of the funniest expressions of British humour by one of Monty
    Python's best actors.

    Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

    A Message from John Cleese

    To the citizens of the United States of America:

    In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

    Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
    Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
    South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

    12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

    Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

    14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

    God save the Queen.

    Only He can.

    John Cleese
    Testing
    "I saw a flock of moosen! There were many of 'em. Many much moosen. Out in the woods- in the woodes- in the woodsen. The meese want the food. The food is to eatenesen."

  • #2
    *splutter* *giggle* *lose it completely*


    I love it!
    Seshat's self-help guide:
    1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
    2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
    3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
    4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

    "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

    Comment


    • #3
      I'll have my tea & crumpets now...lol.

      Comment


      • #4
        Ewwwwwwwwwwww...vinegar.
        Unseen but seeing
        oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
        There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
        3rd shift needs love, too
        RIP, mo bhrionglóid

        Comment


        • #5
          Quoth Caveat Emptor View Post
          or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).



          AHAHAHAHAHA!!! *TPG falls our of her chair clutching her stomach and nearly lands on a cat.*


          I could hear Cleese's voice in my head reciting the entire thing in that Basil Fawlty smug voice...
          Because as we all know, on the Internet all men are men, all women are men and all children are FBI agents.

          Comment


          • #6
            Finally, people are listening to my speech from high school History I Honors class! Huzzah!
            "I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone, that someone is probably the last person you should ask." - House

            Comment


            • #7
              I know it is meant to be funny, and I did giggle, because I love John Cleese (who else could give that haughty aire of Sir Nicholas De Mimsy Poppington?) and I can just hear him saying this stuff in a bit on TV, and some things are essentially true (while some are not).
              But I could easily pick apart that whole thing and point out reasons why many of them are bad ideas. However that is for "Fratching" and not here.
              "We go through our careers and things happen to us. Those experiences made me what I am."-Thomas Keller

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Caveat Emptor View Post
                7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

                8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
                Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
                I loved it!

                See? This is what you get for dumping tea in a harbour!
                I pray for the strength to change what I can, the inability to change what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference -Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes

                Being a pessimist and cynical wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't right so often!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Funny that I just read that our major networks are now watching all the British reality shows so that they can copy them and make "Americanized" versions of them (ad nauseum).

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth ditchdj View Post
                    Funny that I just read that our major networks are now watching all the British reality shows so that they can copy them and make "Americanized" versions of them (ad nauseum).
                    You poor, poor so-and-sos... They're crap over here, so they're going to be even worse over there. I saw what your producers did to 'Dear John'.

                    Rapscallion

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Cleese is a genius. I love him.


                      Quoth Caveat Emptor View Post
                      1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
                      YaaaaaaaY! I actually cannot pronounce this word the American way and get endless grief from my kids and husband for it. It always comes out as either a-LOOM-ni-um or a-LOO-mee-um. I have absolutely no idea why this is, but there you go - no a-LOO-min-um for me. I try to just say tin instead. So how should we be saying it?

                      Quoth Caveat Emptor View Post
                      3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
                      Should we just switch to Innit?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth justZu View Post
                        So how should we be saying it?

                        <snip>

                        Should we just switch to Innit?
                        Firstly, "aluminum" as it appears on the periodic table in the US is pronounced "a-'loo-mi-num" but "aluminium" as it appears in British periodic tables is pronounced "al-yoo-'min-ee-um". Either way is technically correct, but might sound strange to the natives of the country you're in, depending on which country that is.

                        Secondly, if we add "innit?" we'd also have to change the standard greeting between friends to "auright?" which, while fairly easy to understand once it's been explained, might confuse them poor ol' yokels 'at maig up a purd' big porshin o this here country.

                        "Auright?" could be a good first question on the Presidential ballot, though. If you answer "yes" you understand, and therefore your vote will be counted. If you answer "no" or "I don't know" you clearly aren't in the right state of mind to vote, and your vote will be discarded. A perfect system to weed out the people who can't name the presidential candidates without reading them off the ballot.
                        "I'm not a crazed gunman, dad, I'm an assassin... Well, the difference being one is a job and the other's mental sickness!" -The Sniper

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Rugby's for people who are too weak to play Australian football.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I wholeheartedly endorse this motion. Especially the bit about getting rid of American cars, with a few possible exceptions (Puegot hatchbacks for the cops? No thank you, that two tons of anger and steel that the Crown Vic is is a much nicer idea. If anybody needs a car that is built to outrun you, fuck up your car and keep cranking, it's the cops).

                            And they get to keep their food. American food may be boring and unhealthy, but it's still better then British. And eventually that preference will trickle up to Canada, as all things American do, and then I won't get to eat Poutine, which makes me sad.
                            Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me!

                            I like big bots and I cannot lie.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth Caveat Emptor View Post
                              You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
                              LOL, I love it. I pictured Cleese doing this in one of his more authoritative roles (Though I'd leave those to Graham Chapman, he was a pro at those type of roles) I find myself saying football nowadays. And England did get beat by the Springboks (South Africa) in the Rugby World Cup Final last year.

                              Random boring footy fact: Cleese is a Chelsea fan, Eric Idle is too from what I've heard.

                              edible_hat: Rugby's for people who are too weak to play Australian football.
                              Still bitter about losing to England in your own backyard? Aussie football is an okay sport though.
                              The Grand Galactic Inquisitor hears all and sees all.

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