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Which depending on your country of origin may be one in the same.
Soap
Ahh….there was something gloriously wrong with the Skytrain when I got to the station ( Edmonds doesn't typically have some odd 30 people waiting for a train at 10:30pm. ). By the time the train actually arrived it was of course packed, and every subsequent station had an arseload of people waiting. Long story short I ended up being crammed into a corner by 3 large Spanish men with no sense of personal space. If prison movies are any indication it was not a situation that would bode well for me. 3 out of 4 us would enjoy it, but I would not be one of them. Luckily, two got off at Main Street so I was able to elude the soap dropping affections of the third.
867
Me: "Good Evening, <company name>"
SC: "I want the jacket and the boot."
That doesn't really narrow it down. We have a wide selection of jackets to choose from. I am however quite willing, able and desperately eager to provide you with the boot part of your request.
Wrong Number
Me: "Good evening, <company name> Emergency Line"
SC: "My name is Chris and……I don't know."
Psst, you're in the wrong place. The Alzheimer's Anonymous meeting is down the hall on the left.
867
Me: "Ok, I only have that item in Crimson and Steel Blue. Black is out of stock. Which colour would you like?"
SC: "Uh….do you have it in red?"
Ah, right….sorry. I used a word with more then one syllable for the colour there didn't I? I should have taken the empty, crumb laden bread box that is the inside of your skull into account. I apologize. So yes, we do have it in "red".
Wait, what?
SC: "Every transactions we does goes in the mails an-"
I'm can't figure out if you're about to tell me to put the lotion in the basket ( or I gets the hose ) or if you're about to offer to guide me into Mordor.
Little Lamb
Me: "Alright, your confirmation number is M as in Mary."
SC: "9?"
..what? That’s not even a letter. You're not even over here in the alphabet with me, you're over there snorting a line off a hooker's chest with the numerals. There is no correlation between the two. I could understand if maybe you thought I said "N". But 9? 9 as in Mary? Unless your parents seriously read you "9ary has a little lamb" as a child, I suggest you back up, give her back her bra and try again.
...ok?
Me: "Good evening, <my company's corporate line>-"
SC: "I lost my umbrella at the bath house."
Me: "..pardon?"
There are many things I can assist you with: Water leaks, computer problems, hotel reservations, lottery tickets, hiding the bodies….but sneaking into a room full of wet naked people to retrieve your plastic rain shield is not one of them. You're on your own this time, Robin. Do me proud.
Epic Failure
As I journeyed to the sale mines this evening 3 girls got on my Skytrain at Broadway station. I recall them vividly because one is wearing one of the eye searing fashion crime pink camo shirts we always sell to the 867ers. They chitter like spider monkeys until Stadium Station where they get off. They all stop and begin looking around in total confusion until a Skytrain cop takes pity on them and comes over to ask them if they're lost.
Answer of course is yes.
Cop asks them what station they were trying to get too.
They say, wait for it.....Broadway
Because I am a caring, helpful soul I shall point out how many levels of failure this is:
To get to Broadway station you must walk up Broadway street. You must then pass under a gigantic sign that says Broadway Station. Go up a flight of stairs ( Which say Broadway station at the top ), walk past the giant Skytrain route map ( Which of course points out you are at Broadway station. ) and then stand on the platform, in front of the tracks, which have giant signs that say BROADWAY right above the tracks directly in front of you.
On top of that, while you're on the Skytrain there's another transit map above every door that tells you where Broadway is. Oh, and the Skytrain announces over the PA what every station is as you approach. So it said "Stadium" and they got off thinking it was Broadway.
That is just an amazing level of fail. That is gold star failure. That is medal of honor failure. That is storming the beaches, evading the mortar fire of logic, scaling the cliffs of reading comprehension, brutally repelling the forces of reason, marching on the capital of Common Sense and planting the flag of "Durrr" in front of the tourist information booth.
Geography
SC: "Where's your office located?"
Me: "We have offices all across North America."
SC: "…..where's tha?"
….alright, haul your rotting whale carcass up off the couch and begin the arduous process of pulling yourself to your feet. Try not to spill your beer. Take a moment to let the dizziness pass. Now, look down. See that thing you're standing on? Yeah, that. That's North America. Congratulations. You just passed grade 2. Have a Tootsie Pop.
PS. The fact you can vote terrifies me.
Weather Report
When I left it was just spitting a bit outside so I figured I could get away with shorts. Of course, 2 blocks from my house the Heaven's parted and drained their celestial bladder upon my person like a bloated race horse. I now know what it feels like to drown standing up. Thank you, meteorology.
Paranoia
Me: "Good evening,<company>-"
SC: "Yeah, I can get a...you still there?"
Me: "…yes."
I'm still here. Do you need me to hold your hand? I know the world is a dark, scary place, but I am here for you. ( Long as my paycheque keeps showing up anyway ). Now what was it you wanted again? Do you need me to check under the bed for monsters? No? What about the closet? They're always in the closet. ( Because thats where the panties are. ). No? Hmmm, did you need a glass of water then? No? Ok, well I guess that narrows it down. However I warn you I draw the line at letting you sleep with me tonight because you had a bad dream. You can sleep on the floor. Outside. In the street out-front. Until the neighbors call the cops on you. But don't worry, I will completely deny having ever seen you before in my life.
Pleasantries
( This is a security dispatch for a burglar alarm... )
Me: "Alright, I'll send the mobile patrol"
SC: "Great, thanks. You enjoy your evening now! Bye bye."
Me: "…you too, bye."
I think you need to re-evaluate the pleasantries you use on the line. That was like telling a stab wound victim on his way to the ER to "have a good one.".
Days off, yay~
Soap
Ahh….there was something gloriously wrong with the Skytrain when I got to the station ( Edmonds doesn't typically have some odd 30 people waiting for a train at 10:30pm. ). By the time the train actually arrived it was of course packed, and every subsequent station had an arseload of people waiting. Long story short I ended up being crammed into a corner by 3 large Spanish men with no sense of personal space. If prison movies are any indication it was not a situation that would bode well for me. 3 out of 4 us would enjoy it, but I would not be one of them. Luckily, two got off at Main Street so I was able to elude the soap dropping affections of the third.
867
Me: "Good Evening, <company name>"
SC: "I want the jacket and the boot."
That doesn't really narrow it down. We have a wide selection of jackets to choose from. I am however quite willing, able and desperately eager to provide you with the boot part of your request.
Wrong Number
Me: "Good evening, <company name> Emergency Line"
SC: "My name is Chris and……I don't know."
Psst, you're in the wrong place. The Alzheimer's Anonymous meeting is down the hall on the left.
867
Me: "Ok, I only have that item in Crimson and Steel Blue. Black is out of stock. Which colour would you like?"
SC: "Uh….do you have it in red?"
Ah, right….sorry. I used a word with more then one syllable for the colour there didn't I? I should have taken the empty, crumb laden bread box that is the inside of your skull into account. I apologize. So yes, we do have it in "red".
Wait, what?
SC: "Every transactions we does goes in the mails an-"
I'm can't figure out if you're about to tell me to put the lotion in the basket ( or I gets the hose ) or if you're about to offer to guide me into Mordor.
Little Lamb
Me: "Alright, your confirmation number is M as in Mary."
SC: "9?"
..what? That’s not even a letter. You're not even over here in the alphabet with me, you're over there snorting a line off a hooker's chest with the numerals. There is no correlation between the two. I could understand if maybe you thought I said "N". But 9? 9 as in Mary? Unless your parents seriously read you "9ary has a little lamb" as a child, I suggest you back up, give her back her bra and try again.
...ok?
Me: "Good evening, <my company's corporate line>-"
SC: "I lost my umbrella at the bath house."
Me: "..pardon?"
There are many things I can assist you with: Water leaks, computer problems, hotel reservations, lottery tickets, hiding the bodies….but sneaking into a room full of wet naked people to retrieve your plastic rain shield is not one of them. You're on your own this time, Robin. Do me proud.
Epic Failure
As I journeyed to the sale mines this evening 3 girls got on my Skytrain at Broadway station. I recall them vividly because one is wearing one of the eye searing fashion crime pink camo shirts we always sell to the 867ers. They chitter like spider monkeys until Stadium Station where they get off. They all stop and begin looking around in total confusion until a Skytrain cop takes pity on them and comes over to ask them if they're lost.
Answer of course is yes.
Cop asks them what station they were trying to get too.
They say, wait for it.....Broadway
Because I am a caring, helpful soul I shall point out how many levels of failure this is:
To get to Broadway station you must walk up Broadway street. You must then pass under a gigantic sign that says Broadway Station. Go up a flight of stairs ( Which say Broadway station at the top ), walk past the giant Skytrain route map ( Which of course points out you are at Broadway station. ) and then stand on the platform, in front of the tracks, which have giant signs that say BROADWAY right above the tracks directly in front of you.
On top of that, while you're on the Skytrain there's another transit map above every door that tells you where Broadway is. Oh, and the Skytrain announces over the PA what every station is as you approach. So it said "Stadium" and they got off thinking it was Broadway.
That is just an amazing level of fail. That is gold star failure. That is medal of honor failure. That is storming the beaches, evading the mortar fire of logic, scaling the cliffs of reading comprehension, brutally repelling the forces of reason, marching on the capital of Common Sense and planting the flag of "Durrr" in front of the tourist information booth.
Geography
SC: "Where's your office located?"
Me: "We have offices all across North America."
SC: "…..where's tha?"
….alright, haul your rotting whale carcass up off the couch and begin the arduous process of pulling yourself to your feet. Try not to spill your beer. Take a moment to let the dizziness pass. Now, look down. See that thing you're standing on? Yeah, that. That's North America. Congratulations. You just passed grade 2. Have a Tootsie Pop.
PS. The fact you can vote terrifies me.
Weather Report
When I left it was just spitting a bit outside so I figured I could get away with shorts. Of course, 2 blocks from my house the Heaven's parted and drained their celestial bladder upon my person like a bloated race horse. I now know what it feels like to drown standing up. Thank you, meteorology.
Paranoia
Me: "Good evening,<company>-"
SC: "Yeah, I can get a...you still there?"
Me: "…yes."
I'm still here. Do you need me to hold your hand? I know the world is a dark, scary place, but I am here for you. ( Long as my paycheque keeps showing up anyway ). Now what was it you wanted again? Do you need me to check under the bed for monsters? No? What about the closet? They're always in the closet. ( Because thats where the panties are. ). No? Hmmm, did you need a glass of water then? No? Ok, well I guess that narrows it down. However I warn you I draw the line at letting you sleep with me tonight because you had a bad dream. You can sleep on the floor. Outside. In the street out-front. Until the neighbors call the cops on you. But don't worry, I will completely deny having ever seen you before in my life.
Pleasantries
( This is a security dispatch for a burglar alarm... )
Me: "Alright, I'll send the mobile patrol"
SC: "Great, thanks. You enjoy your evening now! Bye bye."
Me: "…you too, bye."
I think you need to re-evaluate the pleasantries you use on the line. That was like telling a stab wound victim on his way to the ER to "have a good one.".
Days off, yay~
That or baked goods.
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